Daily Mail Releases YA Novel: “Are You There God? It’s Me, Suzzane Coffey”

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The AC Press has announced a 5-year compilation of the Amherst Daily Mail, which chronicles the unanswered messages of a college administrator descending into madness as she attempts to commune with a religious figure and student body who may not even exist.

 

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Trio of Hopeful Freshmen Embark on Quest to Find the Missing Social Scene of Amherst

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The brave band of visionaries reportedly sought to save Amherst from the Swarthmore-like Spell that had fallen over campus after the Social Scene vanished mysteriously over the summer. Winston Kimberly, a third-generation legacy with a lovable lisp, claimed that “the Social Scene is in, like, another dimension and no one believes us but we’ll totally be heroes when we prove everyone wrong and get it back!” By press time, all three had transferred to Dartmouth.

An Old Science Center, Avocados Among Possible Items to be Bought with $100,000 Cable Savings

US100000dollarsbillobverseTo help put the savings of a new cable policy into perspective for students, the Amherst IT department has released a list of potential purchases that could be made with the savings. The list, which many experts are heralding as “accurate,” “redundant,” and “I know how much $100,000 costs,” is as follows:

  • Giant clothespins in every dorm
  • An old science center
  • The avocados Val promises us if we would stop stealing plates
  • Another office for professor Sarat
  • An actual mammoth
  • Only Brazzers on every TV on campus
  • A Robocop suit for a certain Amherst College police officer
  • Less than half the monetary value of an Amherst education
  • Infinitely more than the real value of an Amherst education
  • 100,000 $1 bills
  • 60 channel-cable for every student on campus

Choose wisely, Amherst!

“I just don’t want to sign my soul away to a bank,” says Senior with Worthless Soul

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Steadying his elbow with his offhand during a game of beer pong, Theodore Piedros ’18 told the Muck-Rake that he doesn’t want to sign his undesirable soul away to a bank. “I just think it would be so spirit-crushing and oppressive” Piedros explained as he stomped on an empty Keystone and threw it at a Freshman on his team. At press time, Piedros’ soul was mansplaining Communism to his superego.