Symposium Successfully Prepares English Majors for Lifetime of Nobody Giving a Shit


Pictured: Something that should be captioned, but whatever.

Amherst, MA – Amid a chorus of yawns, sighs, and rolling eyes, Director of Studies Lisa Brooks proudly announced that the second annual English Capstone Symposium successfully modeled what it means to be a writer in the modern day, in that pretty much nobody gives a shit.

“For six decades, each senior English major had to pass a written exam, and nobody gave a flying fuck about that,” Brooks told the Muck-Rake in the back of the CHI classroom during some dumb presentation about the human condition or whatever. “But it’s much more effective to culminate the English experience by allowing students to watch classmates’ eyes gloss over in real time while they struggle to come up with a question about your short story you couldn’t convince them to skim.”

“It couldn’t capture the life of the mind more accurately,” Professor Sanchez-Eppler added, looking up from the scarf she was knitting.

During the day-long symposium held in Frost Library on February 9th, students presented the best critical or creative work they could manage to vomit out on February 8th to an audience of overcaffeinated seniors, each of whom had done the same.

Each senior English major gave a ten minute presentation that felt like twenty, followed by a Q&A session during which the professors nobly attempted to get the ball rolling by discussing their own thoughts, pausing for questions, receiving none, and rolling the ball further until the Q&A time had elapsed.

An astonishing diversity of ideas was presented during this year’s symposium: Martin Perkins ‘18 failed to get anyone to pretend they cared about “Totalities of Guilt in Ulysses”, while Katelyn Moon ’18 presented on “Kate Chopin’s Intersectional Becomings,” about which the audience couldn’t muster a single solitary fuck.

Blinking herself awake after nodding off for a while, Janet Malcolm ‘18 eagerly compared her doodles of Professor Sanborn as a whale to another student’s drawing of Professor Parham as a terminator. When asked for comment, she gazed into her open notebook and assumed an expression of deep contemplation.

“… the way in which…problematize…,” said Sanborn to the Muck-Rake’s correspondents, who had been lost in their own train of thought. “For students, you graduated without knowing how little people cared about your writing if they weren’t employed by a liberal arts college. For faculty, we felt we couldn’t honestly let the students go out into the quote unquote [sic] ‘real world’ with untarnished hope for a viable writing career. It’s more truthful for all of us to watch the light drain from their eyes right then and there.”

During the closing celebration, the English majors were provided champagne to drown out the knowledge that it would be the last time they could afford it.


Architectural Studies Department Reveals “Hardest Comp Yet”


architectural studies comp


You’ll Never Believe What That Guy From Your Freshman Seminar Looks Like Now

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Remember Greg from your Freshman Seminar, Intro to Bees? He was always really quiet and hardly ever wanted to touch the bees. Well a lot has changed around Amherst since Freshman year and Greg is no exception! Scroll down to see the what he looks like now!












Wow! What a transformation. We almost didn’t recognize Greg for a second there. Seems like everything about a person can change completely in just a few short years. Remember this, reader: time is fleeting and all of us, even Greg, will one day return to dust. Don’t you wish you took him to a formal?


The Muck-Rake’s Guide to the New Party Policy

umbridge coffey

The Chief Student Affairs Officer pictured here in front of her new policy. Yes, our reference pool comes exclusively from movie adaptations of children’s books.


The college has once again updated its party policy in an effort to further empower students to chug Rasberry Rubinoff at 10 PM, and ensure administrative job security. To save you time, The Muck-Rake has compiled the highlights.

  • You must meet with a Dean of residential life to register the party: the ResLife office will shorten its doorway by half to Encourage Student Choice to crawl on hands and knees.


  • Drinking  games may only occur at parties if Suzanne Coffey is allowed to #rollthru again.


  • Alcohol may only be served from the barrel of ACPD Chief John Carter’s gun.


  • You may possess up to six alcohol units at any given time. By possess, we mean hold, own, or conceive of it. One unit consists of:
    • Half a crushed can of keystone light
    • A mole of wine
  • For each guest over capacity, the Party Sponsor will receive ten lashes.


  • A Party Sponsor must submit for review at least 72 hours (3 business days) in advance, unless you are a member of Registration Prime, allowing you to register parties only 48 hours in advance.


  • The Party Sponsor must call the ACPD every fifteen minutes, and ask us how we’re doing for a change.
  • Complex parties may not be held until a committee search for a visiting professor of Crowd Management is completed.


  • No drinks in locations of increased safety risk, like on porches, balconies, stairwells, kitchens, bathrooms, floors, walled rooms.


  • No talking.


  • If floor is dirty an hour after the approved end time, it must be licked clean.


  • If any rules are violated, the sponsor must pay tuition for each student not invited.


  • Underage drinkers will be forcibly aged.


  • No Music,  unless it is on the approved song list:

Approved Songs

“Ride of the Valkyries” by Wagner

“I Got a Feeling” by The Black Eyed Peas


Top 5 Signs You Totally Missed Your Chance to Meet Richard Wilbur


1You preregistered for “Reading Poetry” but decided to follow your heart toward a fulfilling career in medicine, necessitating an extra biology course. Dummy!

2. You didn’t think you’d have enough time to eat lunch if you took “Reading Poetry” with Richard Wilbur at 12:30. Hey fatso! Try grab n’ go next time the best poet of our goddamn generation is teaching a course. Idiot!

3. You thought you saw Richard Wilbur in Jenkins last weekend, but he was standing next to your ex, so you bolted. Stupid, stupid you!

4. Mistaking the Pulitzer prizewinner for the man who shot Alexander Hamilton, you challenged Richard Wilbur to a duel and won, without ever asking him what inspired his latest collection of poetry. You killed Richard Wilbur. You are an ignoramus!

5. You’re Zephaniah Swift Moore, first president of Amherst College, and you died before Wilbur was born. What a lack of foresight! Moron!

Better luck next time!


Sophomore Writes Ultimate Cover Letter!


The following is courtesy of The Loeb Center for Career Exploration and Planning.

January 21, 2018

Bob Hanson
Director of Operations
Conglomo Corporation
2486 4th Avenue


Effective immediately, my name is Smith Johnson. I hope this letter finds you well, effective immediately. I am reaching out to express my sincere and effective interest in your immediately posted opening for associate effectivity analyst. I am effective and immediately qualified to assume this position, which I will do with relish, zeal, and effective immediately. As an economics and Spanish double major, I have the sincere and immediate qualifications necessary to effectively fulfill the duties of this position, and to do so with immediate effectiveness. In addition to my sincerely immediate academic capabilities, I bring to the table upwards of one years of extracurricular experience, with effective immediacy, effective immediately.

Dear future employer: We have now reached the point in my cover letter in which I grant you three wishes. I hope this finds you well. Please note that given the way I work, the wishes will be granted effective immediately. When I was young, it was immediately apparent that my head was just too big. The boys in school used to taunt me, “Fatty fat head dummy dumb, fatty fat head effective immediately!” I have been effective immediately ever since. Now you might wonder: what is the moral of this tale? The moral of this tale is do not wish for more wishes.

Thanks again. My qualifications should be immediately apparent. Let me give you an example. I am allergic to nothing. But YOU are now allergic to wheat. It is permissible to use one of your wishes to reverse your gluten intolerance, and while I cannot guarantee effectiveness on this matter I can guarantee that if you eat bread your colon will be effective immediately.

Thanks again. I hope this point of my cover letter in particular finds you well. May you build a ladder to the stars and may you stay forever young, effective immediately.

Sincerely immediately, S.J.