Hero: Grab N’ Go Chris has Made the Ultimate Sacrifice to Defeat the Self Swipe Machine


AMHERST, MA – When Chris from Grab N’ Go heard that an automatic card swiper was going to replace him and help decrease line congestion, he challenged it to a swipe off to the death. Talk about taking a stand!

“I’d never heard anything like it. I was in Converse when suddenly shouts of ‘Rock on, dude,’ and ‘Have an incredible lunch, bro,’ deafened everyone and shattered the windows. I had to go see what was going on” said Chuntley Hunt ‘20, star lacrosse player and inbound summer analyst at very cool investment bank according to his LinkedIn.

But he wasn’t all bark and no bite, according to other Muck-Rake sources. “He had two cards spinning in the air on his right, and was swiping a third one with his left hand. I’ve never seen anything like it. It’s like he was the Austin Sarat of swiping you in, but not an asshole” said Tom Gomez ‘21.

In order to determine if Chris really could beat the machine, President Martin encouraged students to get back in line as soon as they got their food, saying “There can only be one! Forget the slop that you shovel into your mouth every day! This is bigger than you, this is about HONOR, about POWER, about TRUTH,” as thunder crashed throughout the campus center.

After flipping and swiping 3000 cards and emitting several hundred cold, robotic variations of “Enjoy your lunch, dude,” the machine finally sputtered and died, resulting in an explosion that destroyed most of the new Schwemm’s pub.

Chris stood victorious amidst the rubble, his hands blistered from swiping an incredible 3001 cards. He couldn’t enjoy his victory for long however, because the second the relief of victory washed over him, he collapsed to the ground and his heart exploded. As he lay dying, he triumphantly lifted his arm and let out one last “Rock on, dude”.

Wow! Rock on to you too, Chris!


HotAsFuckAMHERST, MA – A week long Muckrake investigation culminated in the discovery that it is, indeed, hot as fuck. Additionally, due to the truly breathtaking number of fans in the Moore windows, the building has moved nearly 4 inches off its foundation. The Muckrake predicts that it will take flight within the next 24 hours if just 2 more fans are added. Many members of the Amherst community are dismayed about the heat, for differing reasons. “The heat is really annoying,” said Bruntley Gantchee ‘21. “On the one hand, it’s sunny, and sunny equals outdoor beer pong. But on the other hand, it’s hot, so if I play, I’ll totally sweat through my vintage Vince Carter Raptors jersey.”

Josh Meyers ‘20, an environmental studies major, had some other thoughts: “This heat is incredibly dangerous! In fact, it’s actually the hottest it’s been in a geologically significant time span and it’s all because–” (This quote was all our reporter heard before they fell asleep with their eyes open, but we can report that Mr. Meyers was still talking about carbon footprints when they awoke 40 minutes later.)

Some Amherst College community members, however, were not so concerned with the heatwave. “It’s not even that hot! It was way hotter in Bangkok.” said Ellen Rutlege ‘19, who recently studied abroad in Thailand and has neglected to shut up about it. “It’s just a little heatwave, nothing we can’t manage,” said Professor Sarat, as he sat in one of his three heavily air-conditioned offices and breathed fresh air imported from his summertime chalet in the Slovenian Alps (provided for him by the College, of course.)

Biddy Reassures Freshmen: “All of you belong here, except for the one idiot we let in as a joke.”


AMHERST, MA – “You’ll know when we hand you your diploma, because it’ll have a big fucking smiley sticker where my signature should be,” said President Martin at the President’s Welcome for Students, Families & Guests on last Tuesday. According to the Office of Admissions, 491 students were enrolled to the Class of 2022 – 492 if you count the doofus that got by because they thought it’d be funny.

This revelation came as a shock to many students, especially those insecure enough to worry that they might be the dumb idiot. “I know I’m not a legacy kid, but it wouldn’t be me, right?” asked Ronald McCormack ’22 nervously. “When I studied clowning, I thought it would add to my portfolio,” he added. Others have taken the high road, including Jesse Steves ’22, saying, “Look, even if I’m the joke admission, at the end of the four years, they can’t take away the knowledge I’ve gained at the school. Especially the knowledge that one of my classmates only got in because their application was dumb enough to give the admissions team a big hoot.”

“We welcome all kinds of people to Amherst,” continues President Martin in her address, “but, again, I just want to give a huge, warm welcome to the jester who doesn’t belong.”

CULTURE SHOCK: Senior Desperately Trying to Kick Grab n’ Go Yoghurt Addiction Before Graduation


AMHERST, MA – With only two days left of Grab n’ Go service, many seniors are dreading the withdrawal that will come when their supply gets cut off of yoghurt from SideHill Farm.

“I have a two-a-day habit,” said Timothy Carroll ’18. “Let’s just say it’s a situation.”

In a heart-wrenching interview, Muck-Rake staffers asked Carroll to recount his life story, and how he ended up in such a deep, dark pit. “I used to look down on Grab n’ Go. Only a loser would eat on the run! Be social! Go to Val, the social hub of campus! But then one day I was too afraid to go to Val and not have anyone to sit with, so I thought I would go see what everyone was raving about. That’s where I saw them, The SideHills, glistening under the refrigerator lights. So I took one. Of course, I didn’t realize at the time that the stuff is literal maple meth.”  

“And now, here I am,” he added, as he tore the lid off a SideHill and inhaled it without a spoon.  

We asked Chris from Grab n’ Go if he knew about Carroll’s condition. Chris said candidly, “I just want him to have a groovy day, every day. And if a sandwich and three yoghurts is what it’s gonna take, I’m swiping it.”

“Chris helps me out,” said Carroll. “But he doesn’t even know that I fill my backpack when no one’s looking with 12 extra yoghurts every day.”

Sadly it seems Timothy Carroll isn’t the only one to have fallen prey to the nightmarishly thin yoghurt of SideHill Farm. The epidemic has spread to Amherst’s youth.

“You can drink it like milk!” said Elisabeth Pender ‘21. “At first I was a little nervous that the yoghurt was made from whole milk. Now I’m nervous that I am made from whole milk. I haven’t had anything to eat except yoghurt since the start of the semester.”

In a statement released yesterday, President Martin offered the following:

“The Yoghurt Epidemic is at the forefront of my agenda. The Counseling Center will remain open this weekend to help students cope with the closing of Grab n’ Go. Please know that you are not alone, and please know that those yoghurts are in fact so goddamn good.”

Biddy’s promise that “you are not alone” proved ominous. Hours after her statement, Muck-Rake reporters spotted President Martin shotgunning a SideHill in Converse lobby.

Sign Outside Val Confirms: There is a Concert Tonight

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AMHERST, MA – Live music lovers rejoice! There is a concert tonight, now and forever. All you need to know are the Five W’s: what when what when and when. What? A concert. When? Tonight.

As physics professor Jonathan Friedman excitedly explained, because of Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle we may know if a concert is happening, and the time of said concert, but never both at once. “This is what makes The Concert Tonight so unusual,” said Professor Friedman. “I’ll be there.”

The Concert Tonight, strategically advertised just outside the dining hall, has been a useful talking point for tour guides broaching the subject of the social scene at Amherst. “Amherst students do still like to party,” said head tour guide Albert Plackard ’18 with a wink as he led his tour group past Valentine. “As you can see, there’s a concert tonight.” Asked by a prospective student who would be performing, Plackard responded, “it’s tonight.”

Dean of Concerts Tonight Hannah Fatemi eagerly handed out Mardi Gras beads and Concert Tonight-themed sunglasses in advance of the much-anticipated and much- tonight concert. “Concerts can heal the social divides that plague this campus,” she remarked, “especially the one tonight.”

Others are less enthused. “It’s not for me,” lamented a wistful Bill Pritchard. “I remember when the concert was still yesterday.”

Theatre Kid Apparently Going to Talk This Loudly for the Rest of Class


AMHERST, MA – Self-described “Theatre Kid” Huey Toastini (née Toastenschmitz—his agent suggested he change it) has been “discussing last night’s reading” at full blast since the professor made the fatal error of calling on him. Hardly had the students settled into their chairs before Toastini, chipper as a baby squirrel with facial hair, opened his big mouth and started jabbering away. “It was mesmerizing,” Melissa Harkness ’20 told us after the 8:30am lecture had come to a close. “It was like a jet taking off. I think I have tinnitus.”

Truly, Toastini has the gift of gab. Ever since playing Algernon in an adapted version of Wilde’s The Importance of Being Earnest in the seventh grade, Toastini has had a passion for the theatre. From that moment forward, his normal indoor speaking voice has rested consistently at or above 100 decibels, sometimes rising to a truly ear-shattering 130. During this particular lecture, it became apparent within the first five minutes that Toastini’s volume was not going to decrease, despite the obvious protestations of his professor and the very foundation of the building itself.

Toastini welcomed an interview, but unfortunately the recording device we usually use was unable to pick up any distinct words.