Cardi B Renamed Ford Hall

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Cardi A, Cardi C, and Cardi D will remain without identity until Amherst has been suitably bribed.

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Pop Star Offers Inspirational Words to Friends Back Home

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AMHERST, MA – During her most recent performance, Chelsea Cutler had the opportunity to speak to the crowd of her former classmates. In this moment, Chelsea did something incredible. She told a satirical newspaper at a small liberal arts college to go fuck itself. “She had the floor to talk about truly anything,” says Natasha Mendez ‘19. “My friends and I stood in anticipation of a Cardi B-esque call out, you know, something like: ‘Amherst College is the littest.’ But in an act of sheer bravery she paused for a brief moment towards the beginning of her set, took a swig from her Poland Spring, and was daring enough to call out the Muck-Rake, Biddy, and something about her leg.”

Cutler’s escape from Amherst into semi-superstardom has provided a source of inspiration and hope for a student body trapped in a grey fantasy world. Others, however, remain unfazed. “We’re just happy to be here,” said The Main Squeeze.

CAB Drops Last Minute Spring Concert Bomb

As you may have heard, this spring concert Amherst will be celebrating the return of some of its former members: join us in welcoming back college dropouts Chelsea Cutler and Corry Colonna (having just released his newest album, “Unplugged, Unemployed, and Unashamed”). You may be wondering why he’s playing an electric guitar on his album ‘Unplugged.’ Unplugged doesn’t mean he can’t plug in, it just means no WATTS.

And it’s not only the dynamic duo Corry and Chelsea that are stopping in for the concert! Other names we already know and love are also returning, like Those Students Returning from Abroad (aka the Chainsmokers), the Dan Brown Band, and the iconic trio of Stone, Crossett, and Pond (aka The Weeknd). Unfortunately, we were unable to book Logic, and thus will be featuring Suzanne Coffey (aka Absence of Logic). Representatives from the Campus Activities Board have said “We are so so sorry, we didn’t think we would get this desperate. Again, sorry”

A Little Unsettling: Val’s Only Entrée for the Past 3 Days Has Just Been “Birds”

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AMHERST, MASS
Well this is a little concerning. Reports from Valentine Dining Hall say that the salad bar and the sandwich fixings have vanished. The soup stations are open but they’re just scalding hot water with a bunch of little papers cut from hundreds of books and magazines with the word “vase” on them. “The pasta stations had a greater variety of pasta than I had ever seen, and it was practically overflowing with the stuff. But there were a bunch of two by fours nailed to it and a really nice little sign that said ‘not eat’ so I figured I should steer clear” said Drat Bortles ‘20.

But thankfully there’s a steaming hot unplucked bird sitting up on the counter of the “traditional” line. Better grab it quick though! There’s nothing else cooking and not a soul in sight, so it must be the tail end of the dinner rush! “Honestly, I just think they’re trying a little too hard to compete with all the new Grab n’ Go updates. I mean, have you seen the sushi bar on Thursdays? It’s world class!” said Jack O’Harrid ‘18, who wished to remain anonymous. Wow. First those quick new swipe machines and now a stylish new décor update complete with fancy birds for dinner! What extremely disconcerting updates will Val attempt next?!

Heartwarming: Accepted Students Experience the Magic of Amherst for the First Time

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Do you remember where you were the first time you walked on the quad? Try to think back. You were on the quad.

Yes, oh yes. Remember how you felt when you first stepped foot onto this earthly paradise, this ice kingdom of the liberal arts? In that moment, you knew Pomona could never compare to the slick wonderland of Western Mass.

Admitted students weekend was more than just an opportunity to get your feet wet. It was an opportunity to get your shoes wet, your socks wet, your hair wet, your pants wet, and your awesome (free!) Amherst drawstring bag utterly drenched. You come from 49 states, 112 countries, and now you have all been submerged in the frigid, invigorating hailstorm of higher education.

As you walked around the bucolic, frozen quad, you saw your future peers: people from around the world to whom you already felt connected. Finally, you could see yourself reflected in others, and others reflected in the pool of melted slush collecting outside of Merrill.

Journeying past Merrill, the power of the Amherst education struck you, as did the sign for Keefe Campus Center untethered in the 35 miles-per-hour wind. While the torrential downpour washed away the ink on your program of events, you could feel the ignorance washing away from your entire being.

Finally, you saw students and professors alike running for shelter in the deluge. Knowledge! A refuge from the cold, hard tears of incomprehension! Students! On the same frozen field as their wise teachers! Amherst! Holding you close to its Frosty bosom!

Bundle up, nerds. It’s gonna be a cold four years. Whatever terras is being irradiented, it’s definitely not here.