As Tuition Increases, More Amherst Parents Forced to Refinance Vacation Homes

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AMHERST MA- To keep up with the liberal arts college’s comprehensive fee increases, 3.5% over last year’s, more Amherst College parents are being forced to refinance their vacation homes. “I’ve had to rent out my cozy Connecticut cabin just to make ends meet,” said Howard Beauregard, Amherst class of ’86. “The tuition goes up again and, god forbid, we might have to lease our cabana in Barbados.

“After the last fiasco, Lord knows I’m not going to summer in Florida,” he added.

Beauregard, whose son is currently attending the college, is one of many Amherst parents who have recently been forced to take out mortgages on Lake Cabins, Swiss chalets, and hunting lodges. “A buddy of mine whose kid goes there had to cut his employees’ sick days to afford to go to Cape Town,” he told Muck-Rake reporters. “Why not just fire one?”

Beauregard’s son, sailing team member Gregory Beauregard, says the money troubles have impacted his ability to  “get crispy with the rock.” “It’s just difficult to focus,” says Beauregard, “when you know that your backup synchilla Patagonia doesn’t vibe well with the season, and you can’t do anything about it. It just hurts.”

Beauregard’s dog’s half-birthday also had to come late this year.

First-Gen association President Brooke Porochek, whose name we have changed in order keep anonymous, explained to the Muck-Rake that low income students are also feeling the squeeze.

“I’ve felt more pressure to justify diversity than I ever have before,” Porochek whispered so as not to be overheard in the busy dining hall, choked with men carrying marbled cups of baby blue Powerade. “There are only so many dances I can teach, y’know? How many tear-stained tales of triumph over tragedy do I have to tell to get them off my back? ”

At press time, Porocheck was finishing a survey, the preliminary findings of which suggest that low income students have been experiencing a 3.5% decrease in eye contact.

Freshman Cracking Under Pressure of English Department’s Pro-Phallic Agenda

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Amherst, MA – One and a half months into a semester ripe with discussions of 19th-century literary symbolism, Craig Blandino ‘20 is having a serious predicament: literally everything represents a phallus. Ever since Professor Rabinowitz made that point about the letter opener in Anna Karenina, Val workers report seeing Blandino lost in tortured thought midway to picking up a hotdog with a pair of tongs and nervously avoiding eye contact with the tiny bin of carrots at the salad bar. One observer recently witnessed Blandino shriek, “What the fuck dude?!” before diving into a snow bank to avoid an old man with a cane crossing Route 9.

Sources close to Blandino, but not like close in a gay way, say that he’s recently changed his profile picture from a *timeless* cigar-puffing shot to a grainy zoom-in on one of his perfectly rectangular abs at a Toby Keith concert. “He’s had to take certain measures to combat the profusion of phallic symbols in daily life,” Blandino’s roommate Vince Brotein ’20 confirmed, “Everything in our sick man cave is now shaped like a cube, sphere, or triangular prism. I had to throw out all my lava lamps, but it was worth it to preserve psychological safety in our friendship.” An unconfirmed report also places Blandino in the WGC after hours last Friday, stealing duct tape, glue, and other supplies to help reinforce his fragile masculinity.

Though Blandino declined to comment on the rumors, phalluses, or cylindrical shapes in general, he did affirm his cutting-edge views on gender and sexuality to the Muck-Rake while wiggling into a tank top that said ‘No Homo.’ “My manliness has always been strong and will continue to thrive despite continued threats from forces that wish to do me harm. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have twelve steaks to grill.”

Res Life Changes Room Quota: 75%Of Rooms on Campus Now Reserved for Students With Pink Eye

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“Ooohh-weee,” said chief of Residential Life, Gary Plumb,  “did we make a boo-boo with that last decision. Why…why did we do that again?”

“Because we’re bad at our jobs!” interjected Stanley Fark, a Res Life administrator, who was spinning himself in a chair.

“Yep, yep, yep,” said Plumb, “also, I got a fortune cookie yesterday that said 75 was my lucky number. It also told me that the Chinese word for dog is ‘Gou’, but I haven’t figured out how to turn that into a housing policy yet. Anyway, I liked 75 and I’ve always wanted to create some sort of quota. Other schools have quotas. Why can’t we have quotas!? Isn’t quota a funny word. Q-u-ooo-ta.”  Plumb’s eyes twitched wildly.

“So, after we got so much push-back about the cis-gender trans-gender quota, I decided to scrap that policy and come up with a new one. But what new group to make a quota for? The answer is obvious, isn’t it? So obvious! Hahaha. Ob-viiiii-ous.” Plumb shook with excitement.

“I was having a conversation the other day with Professor Temeles, an ecologist in the biology department. He told me he had run some models on this recent campus pink-eye epidemic. He said his models showed we’d experience one of two outcomes: either everyone on campus would die, or, slightly more likely, pink-eye would persist within the campus population at high levels in perpetuity. After he told me that, he drank an entire bottle of red zinfandel in one swig. It was impressive and scary.”

Stanley Fark continued to spin in his chair.

“And that’s when it hit me. Let’s make a ‘students with pink-eye’ quota’. 75% of rooms will be reserved for students with pink-eye. And nobody can get mad and yell at me over that, because pink-eye is the great equalizer. Anybody can get it. Cis or trans, tall or short, black or white, all of our eyes can turn crusty and pink. It’s pretty genius of me, if I do say so myself. Ge-niiiii-ous.”

Fark fell out of his chair and hit his head on a desk.