AMHERST, MA – Following the discovery of a rope tied into a noose on Pratt Field, racial climate scientists have released a statement calling the amount of oppression this early in the year “unprecedented.” “Usually racism, sexism, and transphobia emerges in the later fall and early winter, when people are cold and have nothing better to do than post on the internet or write slurs on bathroom mirrors,” says Danielle Hall, a researcher with the NOAA (National Ombudsmen of Amherst Alienation). “Now people aren’t even waiting until add-drop ends to tear down posters denouncing the KKK.” To avoid the most extreme effects of Amherst’s racial climate, officials recommend students stay off Facebook, be a straight white man, or put your fingers in your ears whenever anybody discusses marginalization.
Many returning Amherst students have high hopes for the upcoming year. Some students, though, have already had those hopes dashed by a cruel, regressive new policy at Valentine Dining Hall. The once-customizable smoothie station has been replaced with a narrow range of pre-made smoothies. Students with non-conforming and atypical smoothie recipes will be forced into this pre-made dichotomy.
Jessica Wetherby ’21, whose smoothie includes spinach, mango and lighter side chicken, expressed fear that her needs wouldn’t be met by the new system. “I’ve always been marginalized for my food choices,” Wetherby confessed. “I thought Amherst would be a safe smoothie space for me. But now I fear that Amherst’s smoothie fascism will be biased towards protein-rich ingredients in deference to athletes.”
As a protest of the regressive policy, students have placed a large mural of 4 empty glass cups over the drink station in the Back Room. On the bottom of the mural, there is a message written in blended yogurt and blueberries: “These Four Cups Symbolize All The Unrecognized and Uncelebrated Smoothie Recipes of Amherst College.”
As the first day of classes comes to a close, sources have confirmed that this year’s freshman class contains the greatest number of try-hard freaks in Amherst College history. With an acceptance rate of just 13.0 percent and an average SAT score of 2232, Katherine “Katie” Fretwell, Dean of Admissions, declared last Tuesday that the class of 2021 is the biggest batch of losers she’s ever seen. She went on to say that these young men and women are tirelessly curious about think pieces, TED talks, fracking, kidney disease, and 18th century Japanese poetry, with a sizable number cult-ishly participating in games of Magic: The Gathering.
“I can say with confidence that this year is by far the smartest and most boring group of people that we’ve ever admitted,” Fretwell stated, noting that while 43 percent of the class say they are people of color, 14 percent of that group are really just white people claiming to be one eighth Cherokee. 75 percent of the young men have never seen a naked woman before, 66 percent have never tasted beer before, and, of that 66 percent, 90 percent will think that it tastes ‘yucky’ upon their first sips.
Alumni interviewers report that an overwhelming number of admitted students claimed that The Great Gatsby was their favorite book, and that their AP Language teacher “totally changed their lives for the better.” In an attempt to seem relatable, many of these robots joked that in their free time they loved volunteering for Habitat for Humanity and napping (“haha!”).
Upperclassmen will be happy to know that these admitted students have fully integrated into the party scene at Amherst College, with a cool 40 percent having woken up three days into orientation covered in their own jungle juice vomit.
As this tiny, geeky hoard explores the campus, avoid eye contact. It scares them. Approach with caution and stray from conversation about a certain school that rhymes with “Schmarvard.”
Following an internal restructuring, the Loeb Center for Career Exploration and Planning has announced that it will permanently vacate its offices in College Hall and relocate to a table in the trendy New York City nightclub PHD.
“To properly deliver guidance to Amherst students, we need to be at the heart of their professional journeys,” explained Career Center director Emily Griffen. “It’s impossible to get anyone to come in to the Center, but if you tell these kids that you’ve got a table at a club, they’ll come like bees to honey.”
“And it doesn’t hurt,” Griffen added in a whisper, “that these students are super hopped up on Adderall and cocaine. Their information retention goes through the roof.”
Rising Senior Jessica Werther, who is currently a Summer Associate at J.P. Morgan, praised the Career Center’s rebranding.
“90% of Amherst students choose their careers just so they can afford to go to places that will be impressive Instagram locations,” Werther explained. “So why not make the Career Center an impressive Instagram location in its own right?” Werther quickly glanced down at some faded writing on her hand titled “Literally Any Elevator Pitch” and added, “It’s simply a comprehensive target-demographic synergistic viral marketing appeal that has upside-potential across all platforms. In summation, Career Center x PHD is just Uber for college career services.”
In an attempt to streamline its staff, the Loeb Center for Career Exploration and Planning has also fired all profession-specific advisors. The Center will instead employ the fathers of the Men’s Squash team, who can send an email to Gary at Goldman explaining how your grades are not at all a reflection of your professional capabilities.
“These Muck-Raker trophies will make a fine addition to the new exhibit I’m opening at the Mead,” said President Martin as she sipped from her scotch tumbler. “I think it will be titled, ‘Don’t Ever Fucking Cross Biddy Martin’, or something tasteful like that.”
“Hi Professor God,” Brendan Franklin ’17 said in an email to email@example.com. “I know you told us in advance that adulthood would be happening after graduating, but I just completely spaced on it… Would it possible for me to start taking care of myself sometime around 2024? Thanks, Brendan”
Only the ACEMS Volt and Jeeps with Vineyard Vines stickers will be allowed access to parking, roads, gas stations, garages, mechanics and DMVs within a 400 mile radius of the campus.
Students who would like to leave their dorm rooms will have to repel down the sides of their buildings with tied up bed sheets.