Heidi Gilpin Announces New Course: COURSE


Note: This is preliminary information about this course. Final course information will be published shortly before the start of the semester.



Listed in: European Studies, as EUST-369, | Film and Media Studies, as FAMS-482 | German, as GERM-666 | Studies Studies, as STUD-111

Heidi Gilpin (Section 01)


Over an eclipsed period of geologic space-time, we will chronologically and epistemologically investigate the ontology of teleology, making full use of the Writing Center. From a distinctly interdisciplinary standpoint we will collaboratively inquire into the nature of COURSE: its sense of touch, sound, sight, smell, hearing, audio, video, taste, electromagnetism, geopolitics, and HDMI capability. Modeled on Richard Linklater’s groundbreaking cinematic achievement, “Boyhood,” students who choose to enroll in COURSE will commence a ten-year commitment to nonstop psychoanalysis of those students who have chosen to enroll in COURSE. Over the course of those ten years we hope to divine epistemically concrete answers to the following ancient questions: where does COURSE meet, and when? Should you be scared that this is cross listed as a 600-level German seminar? Yes, of course you should. Writing attentive. 


Limited to 15 students: Enrollment requires attendance at the first class meeting, which has been happening continuously since 1821. Spring Semester. Professor Gilpin.

If Overenrolled: preference given to seniors, then juniors, then flat-earthers, then sophomores.

Note: There is a laboratory section of this course, but you are already in it.


Attention to writing, Attention to speaking, Attention to looking, Attention to listening, Attention to hearing, Attention to stealth, Attention to bio-mechanical equilibration, Attention to Heidi Gilpin, Attention to COURSE.

Cost: 0 ?


Course Time: When you least expect it. 
Offerings: Fall 2018-Spring 2029, Omitted 2021-2025 for WWIII.


All of the Floors of Frost Ranked in Terms of How Close They are to the Sky

Frost Sky

1. C Level

  • Look up. What do you see? Whatever you see, it’s still way underground. In terms of being close to the sky, C Level is blowing it.

2. The Mariana Trench

  • The deepest part of the world’s oceans, and one floor above C level.  Accessible only by submersible and Dunstan McNutt.  Ask him for a tour, but be warned: you will be really far from the sky.

3. B Level

  • Fairly unremarkable and fairly far from the sky. Avoid.

4. A Level

  • It may be A level, but I can think of a level even closer to the sky! Spoiler alert – I can actually think of several. If you really crane your neck out of your cubicle and all the way up the stairs, you might be able to see some sweet, sweet sky.

5. 1st Floor

  • Hello my little cicadas. At long last you’ve reached ground level. Ready to forage? Look outside! On a good day, you can see the sun. On a bad day, you can see exactly who you don’t want to see.  Don’t you wish you were closer to the sky?

6. 2nd Floor

  • Feel the air getting thinner? Smell your ears clogging up? You’re at cruising altitude, baby! Look at all those little ants scurrying about on the quad. Oh wait, those are people down there. You can now use your approved portable electronic devices, but not too loudly – Zeus himself is studying for a bio exam up here!  

7. 3rd Floor

  • Watch out, Icarus! You are in the sky, where Amelia Earheart has been hiding all along. Think you can hear the pearly gates a-creakin’? That’s just Dunstan “God” McNutt guest-swiping deserving souls into eternal paradise. Once you’ve tasted the forbidden rice of heaven, there will be no doubt in your mind that 3rd Floor Frost is the closest floor in Frost to the sky. Say, is that Bird Pritchard?

Beneski Adds DVD Box Set of TV Show Bones to Fossil Collection


bones beneski


AMHERST, MA – Following an anonymous alumni donation, Beneski Museum of Natural History completed its collection of long dead fossils this week by adding a full DVD box set of Bones. “Booth and Bones had incredible sexual tension,” museum educator Alfred Venne explained to an eager boy in his tour group. “They’re the key to this whole thing. They had a real will-they-won’t-they relationship in the earlier seasons that drove people capital-W Wild. Not to spoil too much, but they totally bang. Forget this fossil junk kid,” he said, resting a Season 1 Disk on a Dryosaurus rib. “This stuff right here is the real deal.”

When asked how he felt about the new exhibit, Mr. Venne stated “All the old dinosaur skeletons never really did much for me. I mean, they’re dead, big whoop. But when we got this DVD box set, complete with deleted scenes and cast commentary, I knew my years of toil in this glorified mausoleum were worth it.”

Mr. Venne, slowly caressing his face with a Bones Season 3 DVD, also revealed his plan to remove each Beneski exhibit until only the Bones box set remains. “I’m still writing the petition, but once I get enough signatures the museum fat-cats will have to toss these creepy skeletons out of here.” When Muck-Rake correspondents pressed him to explain his reasoning, Venne became defensive. “Kids keep getting distracted by the mammoth skeleton and other fossils during my tours. They ignore my list of the top ten Bones Season 2 production mistakes and imagine live mammoth births instead. This is supposed to be a place of learning, and the fossils are getting in the way of that.”

Although many share Venne’s enthusiasm for the new exhibit, there do exist critics within the Amherst community, namely Professor Murphy of the Geology department. Professor Murphy voiced her concerns in an interview with the Muck-Rake earlier today in Beneski. Professor Murphy asked that she remain anonymous. To respect her wishes, we ask that you do not read her name when it appears in this article. “I’m worried that a huge attraction like the Bones DVD box set might overshadow the exhibit I curated: Rocks, An Evolving Technology?” said Professor Murphy, gesturing toward the pretty big geode she had on display. “See this? Well, I think it’s cool!”

Trembling as she spoke, Professor Murphy added: “When I voiced my concerns to Biddy, she talked me down by calling in another professor and firing her on the spot. ‘There there’ she said.”

Other critics have emerged as well. “To be honest, it’s a real missed opportunity,” lamented  Ricky Morrison ‘19 as he looked wistfully through Beneski’s glass panes. “With the money Beneski spent on this exhibit, they could have easily afforded to purchase the full box sets for both NUMB3RS and The Mentalist.”

Idiot Thinks Signing Up For 8:30 Class Will Make Him Wake Up Earlier


AMHERST, MA – Sending in his schedule with a big idiot grin on his face, idiot sophomore Elliot Sizemore proudly told himself, “this oughta give me enough motivation to wake up at a reasonable hour,” as he ignored the wisdom of his friends, relatives, and personal experience. “This course looks so interesting, I’ll WANT to wake up early” Sizemore thought, despite having already slept through his ten o’ clock class twice this semester. “It takes me about ten minutes to walk from Tyler, five minutes to shower, three minutes to shave, two minutes and three quarters to brush my teeth, forty-five seconds to get dressed, and five minutes to do the reading before class,” the idiot said to himself as he went to sleep after emailing his advisor at three in the morning. “Which leaves me ten minutes to have breakfast at Val! Easy!” At press time, he was convincing himself he would be able to go to bed at four in the afternoon.