“Oh, It’s Snowing Again,” Reports Shell of a Person

shity-weather

AMHERST, Ma — Noticing renewed snowfall today, Chapman resident and hollowed-out human Bo Walker ’17 made reference of this fact to his roommate.

“Yep, it is definitely snowing. Quite a bit, looks like quite a bit. Better get my boots,” remarked the empty vessel, by now stripped of both humanity and will to live.

Staring out into the window as though it were the abyss of his own soul, Bo also noted the greyness of the unfeeling skies: “Skies are pretty grey today.”

Looking for his misplaced Canada Goose, he briefly contemplated walking out into the snow and burying his exposed flesh beneath the blinding whiteness.

“Oh, here it is,” Walker ’17 said, happening upon both his jacket and the realization that the nightmare of eternal recurrence may indeed be reality.

At presstime, Bo’s roommate Tucker Weinstein ’17—expressing at once an enormous amount of existential dread and a feeling of utter nothingness, the snow accumulation representing his accumulating desire to end this barren existence—agreed.

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Campus Republicans Lead Campaign for White Ice Awareness

allicematters

AMHERST, Ma. – Following warnings from administrators to be cautious of black ice, the Amherst College Republicans issued a press statement announcing their intention to start a white ice awareness campaign.

“We feel like white ice has been underrepresented in campus communications, publications, and general sentimentation. We demand a re-evaluation of this misrepresentation lest we suffer the devaluation of a large population of this fine campus nation,” read the statement released in the wake of rampant ice risks.

The campaign, the statement went on, “will encourage student awareness to the dangers of white ice, which also poses some risk of slipping.”

Whereas black ice typically poses far greater risks because of its limited visibility on pavement, white ice can provide its own unique challenges—namely, its tendency to be both cold and wet and the same time, and its capacity to make socks soggy.

“This is ridiculous,” junior ACVoice contributor Henrietta Greenwood declared in an email correspondence with the Muck-Rake. “Everyone sees white ice. Everyone knows about white ice. Heck, we usually just call it ‘ice.’ And that’s the problem right there.”

“To all the naysayers,” campus Republican representative Stephen Broadstott wrote in a 250-word Facebook status update, “I would just like to point out that white ice is actually the biggest cause of slips and falls. And no, this isn’t some kind of white-black race thing. That would be juvenile and dumb.”

New Snowman Guidelines To Fight Racial Misrepresentation

snowman

Amherst, MA—In the wake of winter storm Juno, the Amherst Grounds Department has announced a new policy concerning the construction of all snowmen on campus.

Following complaints that the average Amherst snowman was of a white and predominantly male background, the Grounds Department released a new, 30-page handbook updating the guidelines for snowmen on campus, including the milestone requirement that, for every white snowman constructed, three snowmen of color or mixed ethnicity must be erected.

“The campus community is encouraged to strive for an equal snowman-to-snowwoman ratio,” said Mr. Corry Colonna, Associate Director for Residential Life. “Snowpeople within a ten foot radius of another snowperson must also bear a different vegetable or fruit nose from a list of approved foodstuffs. These foodstuffs will include zucchini, eggplant and Jamaican Jerk Chicken.”

A proportionally representative number of cultural traditions, gender identity and political views are to be displayed through the attire worn by snowpersons.

“I’m very excited,” said Robert Rafeal ’17. “It will be great to see body positivity in our snowpeople. Not everyone is born with the ideal body type of three spheres and a carrot nose. Seeing those features in snowpeople sets unreal expectations.”

The policy will be enforced by a dedicated “Snow-patrol,” who should be notified at least 3 hours in advance of snowman construction. Snowpersons will be rigorously investigated to verify that their sexualities and religious practices both match their paperwork and avoid stereotypes. Those who fail to comply with the updated standards will be melted down into slush and thrown into the Val ice machine.

“We boast an incredibly diverse student body, and we don’t believe that the current selection of snow-based individuals accurately represent it,” remarked President Carolyn “Biddy” Martin. “With our new rulebook, we expect to see a greater variety of ethnic representation.”

When asked about the future of snow angels, President Martin was less certain.

“We are sensitive to concerns about religious imagery in public places, but we also feel that students should be able to celebrate their faith by diving into the snow and furiously swinging their limbs back and forth. Similarly, Menorahs, Festivus Poles, and sacred depictions of Hannah Arendt—we want them all in the snow.”