Senior “Too Busy Working on Thesis” to Turn in Thesis

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Amherst MA — Just minutes after his thesis deadline had passed, Psychology major Ryan Strobl ’15 regretfully informed his advisor, Professor Catherine A. Sanderson, as well as the rest of the Amherst Psychology Department, that he was a “bit too preoccupied” working on this thesis to turn in his thesis right now.

“It’s coming along really well, though,” he added.

Strobl ’15, who has been conducting an extensive research and analysis projecting, is rumored to “just need a little more time on the conclusion” as well as “get that last layer of polish.”

Professor Sanderson, when reached for contact, requested that The Muck-Rake’s sources please bring Ryan home as soon as possible “wherever he may be. His family is worried.”

Senior to Present Thesis Based on Extensive Research of Crush’s Facebook Page

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AMHERST, MA — Ryan Strobl ’15, after years of research, is finally ready to present his thesis in Psychology, “Love the One You’re With: An Examination of Amherst Dating Culture,” in which he analyzes the aesthetic and cultural value of the Facebook page of Stacy Fowler, his longtime crush.

It was difficult to get hold of Strobl, since he spends much of his time investigating his topic. One can often find Strobl in deep concentration about Fowler’s Timeline in Frost’s C-Level, in his dorm room in King, or in bathrooms around campus.

“I’ve always been interested in the topic and have been doing personal research since Freshman year,” remarked Strobl while scrolling through the ‘iOS Photos’ album. “Only now am I able to dedicate the time and effort I need to hone in on the important moments of her life, all the way from her Hawaii 2013 album to her high school senior portrait, and everything in between.”

His thesis advisor, Professor Catherine A. Sanderson, believes strongly in the value that this thesis will contribute to existing scholarship:

“Its exploration of Fowler’s Facebook profile really opens up new avenues for other scholars to build upon. For example, I wasn’t aware that in 2012, Stacy posted about how she thought older men were cute. These are the questions that have been plaguing my mind for years, and now we’re finally getting answers.”

It is important that there would be some collaboration with Stacy, Strobl told the Muck-Rake, but according to him, she has not responded to the hundreds of messages, which he has sent for research purposes.

“I’ve tried everything,” he said while caressing a tattoo of Fowler he has on his bicep. “But I recognize that she’s only trying to help me out. After all, ignoring my calls and unfriending me on social media just makes my analysis more objective.”

After graduation, Strobl ’15 hopes to eventually earn a PhD in Stacy Fowler.

Report: Thesis Writer Now More Caffeine Than Human

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MERRILL SCIENCE CENTER, Amherst, MA — “The caffeine molecules have overtaken the human ones,” observed an astounded Assistant Professor of Biology Ethan Graf while examining the latest urine sample.

The Amherst professor is at the forefront of studying what he believes might be the first chemical-hybrid person.

“The DNA has practically spliced together. At this rate, we can expect him to be pissing about once every few minutes. Jittery as all get out. Oh and sleep? His sleeping days are long over. That’s not to say he won’t be tired and feel like shit, but this guy,” Professor Graf said, tapping a test tube of yellow liquid, “he’s not going to bed any time soon.”

The medical breakthrough comes despite the fact that the actual subject remains at large, though the samples have pinpointed his location somewhere around C-level of Frost Library.

“We didn’t even have to gather the urine samples—they’re just pissing and shitting everywhere. Definitely a thesis writer, probably ’cause that floor doesn’t have a bathroom. Unfortunate…but whoever it is,” Graf concluded, “I expect their Zotero is looking really impressive right now.”

Thoughts on Theses: Erik Dourville ’15

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Erik Dourville ‘15 is a physics and math double major, and is writing a physics honors thesis. His results will be on display on the first floor of Frost Library from April 13th-17th, in an exhibition titled “Rolling Forward.”

Q: Tell me a bit about your thesis.
A: Well, the first thing I should say is that it’s really complicated. And it’s not really possible to dumb it down, but I’ll do my best. Basically, we’re a society on the go, right? So I wanted to use physics to get us places… faster.

Q: That’s so interesting.
A: Yes.

Q:Can you explain a little more about what you mean by “get us places?”
A: Well, I wanted to theorize a new paradigm—I’m sorry, “object”—to aid in the passage of matter-based substances across gravity-bound planes. And I’ve done it.

Q: Wow! So what shape has this paradigm, or object, taken?
A: It’s funny that you used the word “shape” just now, because back in October I started to think about circles. Specifically, I started to think about circles, and about how you can draw an infinite number of tangent lines at an infinite number of angles along a circle’s circumference. Once I started thinking about those tangent lines as, like, vectors of force and/or friction, it was a no-brainer. But again, this is all pretty complex, so don’t feel like you have to keep up.

Q: So… is it a circle?
A: Ha, it’s a little more complicated than that. Picture a circular object, fixed to a stable point at its hollow center and free to rotate. That object, when placed beneath a matter-based substance, could theoretically help to counteract the forces of friction by rotating in one of two directions and helping to “roll” that matter toward its desired destination. It’s truly groundbreaking, and I couldn’t have done it without my advisor’s tireless support and constant challenging of my ideas.

Q: So, like, a wheel? Is it fair to say you re-invented the wheel?
A: Haha, that’s silly. No. Or, well… I guess when you put it like that, yes. Yes I did.

Q: Do you have any advice for students who are considering writing a thesis?
A: Fuck you. This interview is over.

Senior “Too Busy Working on Thesis” to Attend Final Thesis Meeting

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Amherst, MA — Confined to C Level, Ryan Strobl ’15 regretfully informed his advisor yesterday that he was “too busy” working on his thesis to attend his final thesis meeting with advisor Professor Sanderson. Strobl’s psychology thesis, “Love the One You’re With: An Examination of Amherst Dating Culture,” is due in just under a week.

Strobl reached out to Sanderson just before missing this last meeting, promising that the “thesis is going great, making a lot of progress, won’t be able to make it in today, though. Same time next week?”

However, little is known about either Strobl or his recent progress. Witnesses have reported muttering coming from the cubicle where Strobl was last seen, as well as an accumulation of coffee cups and foul odor in the general vicinity.

Tyler Ward ’15, a senior living on the second floor of King with Strobl, says that he has not seen his floor mate in three days, but he had received multiple e-mails begging him to take “Ryan’s stupid thesis survey about dating.”

Professor Sanderson has requested that any student who encounters Strobl to direct him to her office.

12 Things Thesis Writers are Tired of Hearing

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1. “Do we have to talk about your thesis right now?”
Thesis writers are drowning in pressure and deadlines! Can’t you just let your friend let off some steam?

2. “How is your thesis going? Are you managing OK?”
This is literally the worst. Just because you’re writing a thesis doesn’t mean you want to talk about it.

3. “Please check-out books. Don’t just take them from the library.”
If thesis writers had a page of their thesis for every time they heard this one, they’d have an enormously-sized thesis.

4. “Shouldn’t you be citing that 28-page passage you took from Marx’s Das Kapital?”
Is it impossible that two people have the same idea? Besides, Marx wrote in German.

5. “I value your friendship, but I just don’t think we should be seeing each other anymore. You cheated on me, and I just can’t forgive that.”
This drives thesis writers up the wall! It’s incredibly rude to say this when someone is trying to nail down that tricky second chapter.

6. “Dude, you shouldn’t have made PDFs of those books you stole and then uploaded them to the internet. That’s like, a problem.”
Thesis writers know how the internet works, brah.

7. “Things were going so well, and I just wish you hadn’t had to go and sleep with my best friend. And you haven’t even apologized…I just don’t understand.”
Apologize for what??? Trying to be a good student???

8. “Can you stay behind for a minute before your next class? I need to chat with you about something. There’s no easy way to say this…You need to change your clothes. You’ve been wearing them every class session this week, and the smell is disrespectful to your classmates. Frankly it makes it difficult to lecture.”
This one just makes thesis writers want to weep and then die.

9. “Oxford University Press hereby informs you that unauthorized copying and/or distribution of its books, including Lucy’s Secret Reindeer & The Law & Practice of International Banking, constitutes a violation of the U.S. Copyright Act, 17 U.S.C. 106. For this reason, request is hereby made that you immediately and permanently cease uploading these materials to your website, quickstudyhackz.com.”
Lucy’s Secret Reindeer? Seriously? What’s that got to do with my thesis?

10. “No. Absolutely Not.”
It’s ridiculous that you wouldn’t get back together with a thesis writer, just because he slept with your best friend.

11. “We’ve rescheduled three times. You need to come to your thesis meeting tomorrow, with a completed chapter.”
Cool it. Jesus.

12. “This chapter of your thesis is exactly the same as Marx’s Das Kapital. You didn’t even translate it. I can’t let you submit this to the department until you cite it properly. Jesus, what is that smell?”
Not even thesis advisers understand.