AMHERST, MA – For Amherst Athletics, equestrian and crew are relatively small-time affairs; they don’t fill stadiums, drive the college’s notoriety, or win championships. That is why they are at the center of what was described as the broadest college admissions fraud the U.S. Justice Department has uncovered. In its investigation, codenamed “Junior Varsity Blues,” the government focused on nine different colleges and universities who held a similar athletic reputation as Amherst, including Salve Regina University, Cal State Dominguez Hills, and ITT Technical Institute. Unlike in football and basketball, there is little widespread knowledge of or general interest in who might be good at what are seen as minor sports, so admissions officials usually have to take coaches at their word when they tell them an applicant is worthy. Continue reading
Some things will never be understood. Who built the pyramids? Where do birds come from? Well, fear no more: one of history’s great mysteries is about to be solved. The Val Ice Cream Machine is about to be fixed, once and for all.
The cream of the crop is here to cream this crop and stop that cream from cropping up where we don’t want it. That’s right, the cream team has arrived. Bullshit you say? More like bull’s milk, of the same ilk, as cow’s milk (iced cream). It’s the crème de la crème, here to restart the clock on Big Ben, and by that I mean fix this damn machine.
Soon it’ll be all peaches and cream, or rather, pernil al horno and cream. Get in the queue because it’s time to suckle one by one at the teet of Mother Milk. And oh baby am I gonna milk it for all it’s worth.
I’m out of order? No, you’re out of order, ice cream machine. In fact, I do have an order and it’s “one ice cream please.” Can you make that happen? Didn’t think so.
Still not fixed? How is that possible? Isn’t this a brand new machine? The tease of Madagascar Vanilla is enough to make me cream my jeans, and believe me I would if I could if this machine were in order. But I can’t, so I shan’t. And that’s the Amherst way.
Good luck team. We’ll be rooting for you.
MUCK-RAKE INVESTIGATIVE CENTER, Amherst, MA — Boy oh boy, look at what we’ve found. Hot off the presses, it looks like—and this could be wrong—but it looks like the Mount Holyoke version of Moodle is called ISIS. Just like the terrorist organization.
Just imagine, right? ISIS is a big deal in the news. Is it still called ISIS? ISIL? All I know is this is a hot scoop if I’ve ever seen one. Me and the boys on the Muck-Rake Investigative team are going nuts with questions.
First off, is Mount Holyoke’s ISIS the same as the terrorist organization? It seems like it would be a weird coincidence otherwise, so we called ’em up. No answer. We learned, through our investigations, that everyone at Mount Holyoke had the day off to get some exercise and fresh air. All right, sounds good, but that brings us to the next question.
Are today’s coordinated training “exercises” related to the ISIS infiltration of Mount Holyoke College? Clearly the conspiracy here runs deep, and right when we start asking questions, the entire school basically up and leaves.
More questions still remain: has ISIS been gaining ground outside of its Mount Holyoke stronghold? Will Obama respond with strategic air strikes around the Blanchard Campus Center? Is the ISIS service user friendly for Mount Holyoke students?
Now, this could be overblown. ISIS could merely be an information network for the school to share class schedules and the like, as the site explicitly explains, but the Muck-Rake is going to keep asking questions to get you, our dear readers, the answers you deserve.