Senior Speakoff Nominations Result in 455-Way Tie

Screen shot 2014-03-11 at 8.27.09 PMAMHERST, Ma. – In an unprecedented turn of events, Senior Speakoff nominations have resulted in a 455-way tie, evenly splitting the 455 votes that were up for grabs.

“I’m a quiet, shy type, so I never imagined I would tie for first place,” said a visibly delighted Anthony McDonald ’14. “To tell you the truth, I just sort of wrote myself in at the last minute as a joke.”

Others were less surprised by their success. “Frankly, I knew the senior class was behind me,” said Sarah Ziska ’14, explaining that she felt she really “understand[s] what it means to go to Amherst.”

The 455 candidates will deliver short samples of their speeches before the class. The event is scheduled to begin March 26 and to end on June 7th, 2020.

Another round of voting will follow the event, but some candidates feel the Speakoff won’t change much. Says Ziska, “I feel like everyone already knows who they’re voting for.”


Keefe Condom Dispensers Empty After “Wild” Casino Night Orgy

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AMHERST, Ma. – The condom dispensers in Keefe Campus Center’s second floor men’s and women’s restrooms, believed to have been untouched since the building’s 1987 opening, were found to be empty this morning following the Campus Activities Board’s “Vegas Casino Night” on Friday evening.

The event, which included table games, raffle prizes, a photo booth, and a 21+ room for students of legal drinking age, devolved into what one anonymous attendee described as “some real Caligula shit” around 11 PM, when the 21+ room “opened up” for the rest of the attendees. In accordance with the Board’s thematic “what happens in Keefe STAYS in Keefe…” policy, most security camera footage from Friday night was promptly destroyed, but leaked footage shows the graphic nature of the proceedings, which spilled out of the Friedmann Room into all corners of the campus center.

It seems unlikely that the dispensers will be refilled. According to Director of Facilities James Brassord, the last known owner of the key to the dispensers died in 1995, meaning they are, in Brassord’s words, “just for show now.” Asked if he thought the depletion of Keefe’s condoms might cause a campus-wide prophylactic shortage, Brassord declined comment.

The game room, WAMH studio, Women’s and Gender Center, and Schwemm’s grill are all closed indefinitely for sanitizing.