[SPONSORED] Amherst College Laundry Expands Services to Dressing, Spoonfeeding

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Dear Amherst Students:

Any college-aged student comes to understand certain realities about student life; in particular, given your busy rotation of homework, exercise, and socializing, that dressing and feeding yourself can be the last things you want to worry about.

To help free up some of your time, All College Laundry offers two especially efficient and practical programs: Pamper’s Soft and Here Comes the Choo-Choo Train. Here’s how it works:

  1. Leave your dirty diapers on the floor.
    Choose from cloth or disposable!
  2. At-your-door pick up.
    Ride to Val in style in a custom-fit baby carriage.
  3. Spoonfeeding.
    All food comes pre-chewed!
  4. Who’s a big boy?
    You are.

All College Laundry has a proven record of top-quality service to Amherst College students. We hope that you will consider giving up any sense of shame and letting yourself be coddled into your twenties.

If you have any questions, please contact us at (888) GOO-GAGA or tmoore@allcollegelaundry.com.

Best Regards,

All College Laundry

Amherst Temporal Diversity Initiative a “Rousing Success”

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Amherst, MA – Amherst administrators have been touting the school’s unprecedented efforts to increase the college’s chrono-diversity, which brings students and faculty arriving from times as familiar as the roaring 20’s to those as distant as the Machine Wars of the 2270’s, as an enormous success.

“Here at Amherst we value learning about different points of view,” said Dean of Admissions Katie Fretwell.

She believes that the benefits of an Amherst education should not be limited only to those lucky enough to have been born while Amherst existed, and that “someone who was the captain of their high school lacrosse team can learn from someone who had to defend their village from roving Marauders during the fall of the Zhou dynasty.”

“And vice-versa,” she added with a smile.

“Since Amherst’s founding in 1821, all students were born within twenty years of their admission, thus precluding the crucial perspectives of those who have seen C-beams glitter near the shoulder of Orion, or when man first controlled flame,” said Mick Mackey ’15. He fully supports the initiative, saying that it finally breaks the cycle of the “unbearable presentness” of Amherst College.

“Plus, those ancient Romans knew how to party.”

There are some who disagree with the new policy, like Fred Wilkers ’18:

“My roommate keeps smoking fish and game in the room, and leaving offerings to his Sun-god Oktar,” he said while trying to avoid the firepit in the center of his room. “This was not agreed upon in the roommate contract.”

While campus dialogue continues about the policy, Amherst is committed to its mission of “molding leaders from the future and the past.” Their next goal is to establish dimensional diversity, and they are looking for ways to help beings from alternate planes of existence adjust to undergraduate life without disrupting the social structure or the space-time continuum.

Students Panic after Conversations about Summer Exhausted

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VALENTINE DINING HALL, Amherst, MA — As the second week of September came to a close, students across Valentine Dining Hall sat in stunned silence as the last of everyone’s summer plans were finally revealed Monday afternoon.

“…and so yeah, that was my summer,” revealed Samantha Trillin ’17, officially concluding all discussion of summer plans and leaving casual acquaintances with absolutely nothing to talk about until after winter break.

After 15 minutes of silence, Andrew Jenkins ’16 excused himself from the table, muttering, “Shit—I know this girl’s classes and how much she made at Goldman this summer. …now what?”

For most Amherst College students, their summer jobs, those jobs’ locales, and whether they got to “spend any time at home?” provided a welcome reprieve from substantial conversation. With all those topics exhausted, students—and even faculty and staff—have found themselves at a loss for words.

Math professor Tina Reyes said she has spent the past two classes standing at the front of the room in silence.

“Once I found out everyone’s name, everything just awkwardly slowed down. Maybe I can ask them what classes they’re taking next semester?”

At press time, Professor Reyes was continuously opening and closing her mouth in what resembled speech, though no sounds were coming out.

Incoming Class of 2018 Excited to Spend Four Years Complaining About Amherst

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AMHERST, Ma. – Calling it a “problematic environment” that is “probably super boring,” students in the Amherst College graduating class of 2018 have begun anticipating begrudgingly serving their four-year sentences at the prestigious hellhole.

Class member Mark Williams, an Atlanta native and prospective Economics major whose Twitter bio reads “Poet. Activist. Brother. Son. Friend. AC ’18.,” explained in an interview with his high school newspaper:

“I’m so blessed to have the opportunity to come in and start complaining right away at a college as hateable as Amherst. I’ve spent the past three years reading up about the place—HuffPo, Jezebel, AC Voice, all of it—and I feel ready to give it my all. Just the other day I took a look at the First-Year Orientation schedule and thought, ‘Hey, I don’t want to do some of that stuff.’ That was when I knew I’d made the right choice.”

He added, “I still remember getting the brochure in the mail about a year ago and thinking, ‘Man, I bet the grass doesn’t even look that good.’ This is a dream come true.”

In her supplemental admission essay, since shared as a note on her Facebook page, class member and prospective Economics major Regina McIntyre (Scarsdale, NY) declared that she is looking forward to complaining about the quality of available food options at the school notorious for its prison food and promotion of patriarchal power structures:

“I have heard that the food at Valentine Hall is really unhealthy and also deleterious. At my high school, I started the Institute for Sustainable International Seeding, which held three extremely successful combination carwash-farmers’ markets to promote healthy food diversity in the Tri-State area; I hope I can call attention to the importance of locally-sourced foods in the Pioneer Valley Area, in the same way that I introduced kale to the suburbs of New York City; I know that the Five College Coalition exists to bring students from Amherst, UMass, Hampshire, Smith, and Sarah Lawrence Colleges together in meaningful ways, and I hope that the Coalition, in concert with my passion for healthy and affordable foods, can spark a movement in the Pioneer Valley Area to have better food policy; it may sound crazy but in my dreams, Amherst College students forego Wall Street Investment Banking Internships for organic farm jobs!”

Brandon Baldwin, a recruited linebacker and prospective major in Economics from Just Outside of Boston, MA, said in a Facebook status addressed to “Friends, family, and future classmates,” that he is most excited to jealously stare at Instagram photos posted by his friends at large state schools while regretting every decision he has ever made, adding:

“When I visited Amherst, I could not have heard more discouraging things about the social scene. I’m really looking forward to buying into everything students told me about how bad the party scene is before I applied, and to doing everything in my power to make it even worse. It’s a great time to be a Jeff.”

Sanders Shines at Fraternity Refugee Scouting Combine

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COOLIDGE CAGE, Amherst, Ma. – Luke Sanders ’15, the “can’t-miss” friendship prospect and consensus number one overall pick in the upcoming Fraternity Refugee Draft, continued to wow representatives of the over 40 student social groups participating in the draft with his performance at Thursday morning’s Fraternity Refugee Scouting Combine in Coolidge Cage.

Among the general drills held in the Cage were assessments of each prospect’s ability to hang posters, throw a frisbee, sing/beatbox, create a Facebook event, and run a laser timed 40-yard dash. Amherst Political Union vice president and scout Carter Hayes described the scouting process in a post-Combine press conference: “We can all see the raw potential in most of these guys, but most of us have no idea what they’ve been up to behind closed fraternity doors. It’s our job as scouts to make sure they’re ready to adjust to the world of College-sanctioned fun. These are the big leagues.”

Other traits observed in the Cage included prospects’ ability to shotgun a beer quickly (“But not too quickly,” according to a scout from the Amherst Christian Fellowship), complain about the food at Valentine Dining Hall, and interact with members of the opposite sex. A group of scouts representing the “First-Year Girls Who Aren’t Varsity Athletes But Sit in the Back Room of Val Anyway,” or FYGWAVABSITBROVAs (first pick: round 1, pick 23), were “blown away” by how quickly Sanders was able to ask for and receive all five of their phone numbers, with one of the scouts noting that Sanders “didn’t even introduce himself” before handing the group an iPhone with the “New Contact” screen open. She added that the FYGWAVABSITBROVAs would not hesitate to trade “whatever it takes” to improve their draft position and chances at welcoming the social dynamo into their ranks.

Sources indicate that Sanders also impressed scouts in his one-on-one interviews with each group, most of which included an evaluation of each prospect’s ability to match the dominant sense of humor on the group’s email chain and his comfort level at the group’s preferred table in Valentine Dining Hall. An anonymous scout remarked that Sanders has “an impossibly high ceiling,” adding that the junior is “a natural social chair, but you can plug him into any E-board position on day one and be happy with his production.”

“I just wanted to come out here and show all of these groups that I’ve got what it takes to hang out with them next year,” said Sanders, who was the only ex-fraternity member that elected not to order a party pizza in front of scouts. “Now that DKE’s illegal, there’s going to be a lot of pressure on me as a senior next Fall to step into whichever one of these groups selects me and start being friends with them right away. I think I proved today that I’ve done it before, and I can do it again.”

Dean of Students Office Announces Fraternity Refugee Draft

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AMHERST, Ma. – Immediately following the release of the Board of Trustees’ decision to ban student membership in on- and off-campus “fraternities and sororities and fraternity-like and sorority-like organizations,” the Dean of Students Office and the Association of Amherst Students announced a Fraternity Refugee Draft, to be held in the Hitchcock ballroom from May 9-11. The draft, which seeks to redistribute first-year, sophomore, and junior fraternity members from their now-illegal groups of friends into different campus social groups, is believed to be the first event of its kind.

In her Tuesday evening announcement of the draft, Chief Student Affairs Officer Suzanne Coffey granted the number one overall pick to the Amherst College Fencing Club, for being what she called a “perennial social scene underperformer.” The Chinese Students Association, the Zumbyes, Humphries House, the women’s squash team, and the Amherst Muck-Rake round out the top six picks.

Fifteen of the most promising and newly friendless prospects at the College are expected to be in attendance for Friday night’s opening ceremony and first round, including highly-touted DKE president-elect and projected first overall pick Luke Sanders ’15. Sanders, a junior Religion major who took the Amherst College party scene by storm this March with his successful campaign to “bring back” Swedish DJ and producer Avicii’s 2011 smash hit “Levels,” officially announced his decision to enter the draft via Facebook on Wednesday morning:

“I’m going to miss my friends, the brotherhood, and the bonds we’ve built together over the past three years, but I know that leaving them behind and entering this draft is what’s best for me and my family.”

In an interview with Boston-area sports talk radio station WEEI (93.7FM), president, treasurer, and acting social chair of the fencing club Olivia Wu ’15 made no secret of her team’s intention to officially befriend the dynamic junior from Scarsdale, NY with its first selection:

“Prospects with friendship potential like Luke’s come around maybe once in a generation. We want to make it clear that we are no longer in rebuilding mode. Our team and our fans have waited long enough for us to make our entrance into the campus mainstream, and we believe he has what it takes to get us there on day one.”

Tickets to all three days of the draft are free for Amherst College students and $10 for Five College students with a valid student ID. The event will also be streamed live online via JeffCast.

Campus Jokester “Doesn’t Care”, “Loves It”

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AMHERST, Ma. – Riffing off the chorus of Icona Pop’s hit song “I Love It”, self-proclaimed campus funnyman Arthur Lau ’16 expressed both apathy and passion in regards to all Spring Concert-related topics this afternoon.

“I don’t care,” Lau said to his friends in the front room of Valentine Dining Hall when Spring Concert was mentioned. “I love it,” he added after a slight pause.

The joke, which he credits himself with developing, has been told by him to most of his social group, his professors, and several campus police officers.

“I think Arthur can be really funny,” reported friend and Mr. Gad’s member Josh Pasco ’16. “And this is one instance where he is very funny, clever, and original. Thank you, Arthur.”

Candidates Reportedly Spend “Way Too Much Time” on Campaigns

Screen shot 2014-04-12 at 6.41.04 PMAMHERST, Ma. – In the latest scandal to upset an E-board election, an anonymous tip to the Judiciary Council (JC) has led senators to believe that all four candidates for AAS President and Vice President have vastly exceeded the amount of time one should really spend on such things.

“We put a time cap on election preparation as a matter of fairness,” said acting JC Chair Joseph Kim ’14, “and also because who gives a shit, right? This is college. There are better things to do: party, socialize, have sex—I mean, have you tried sex? There’s a reason we have these rules in place.”

“Going back to their respective freshman years,” added Liya Rechtman ’14, “we found several candidates had spent far too much time laying the groundwork to secure these ultimately pointless positions, making connections and political moves just to set up their election bids. It’s truly disgusting to anyone with morals or a life.”

The JC report also admonished candidates for caring way too much, and recommended that everyone just chill out a bit, check out Extravaganja, crack open a cool, refreshing Miller Genuine Draft, and kick back for once in their goddamn lives.

Peter Crane to Announce Icona Pop for Spring Concert

Screen shot 2014-04-01 at 11.42.52 PMAMHERST, Ma. – Sources indicate that Swedish DJ duo Icona Pop will soon be announced as the headliner of this year’s Spring Concert, and that the person who will make that announcement is Peter Crane ’15. Crane, who is otherwise not newsworthy this week, is suspected to make this announcement apropos of nothing, as this is the time of year that he traditionally makes such announcements.

“I’m really happy that it will be [Peter Crane who is announcing] Icona Pop,” reported Theo Alberti ’15. “[Peter Crane’s] huge futurist sounds, soaring emotions, dancefloor confessions, and unabashed honesty will make [his announcement of] Spring Concert great!”

There seems to be widespread agreement with Alberti’s sentiments. Asked about the forthcoming event, Emily Sipser ’14 said, “I think [Peter Crane’s timing is not at all politically motivated, that he did not deliberately take on the role of announcing Spring Concert his freshman year so that he could one day leverage it for the sake of his presidential bid, and that] it’ll be awesome!”