Senior to Present Thesis Based on Extensive Research of Crush’s Facebook Page


AMHERST, MA — Ryan Strobl ’15, after years of research, is finally ready to present his thesis in Psychology, “Love the One You’re With: An Examination of Amherst Dating Culture,” in which he analyzes the aesthetic and cultural value of the Facebook page of Stacy Fowler, his longtime crush.

It was difficult to get hold of Strobl, since he spends much of his time investigating his topic. One can often find Strobl in deep concentration about Fowler’s Timeline in Frost’s C-Level, in his dorm room in King, or in bathrooms around campus.

“I’ve always been interested in the topic and have been doing personal research since Freshman year,” remarked Strobl while scrolling through the ‘iOS Photos’ album. “Only now am I able to dedicate the time and effort I need to hone in on the important moments of her life, all the way from her Hawaii 2013 album to her high school senior portrait, and everything in between.”

His thesis advisor, Professor Catherine A. Sanderson, believes strongly in the value that this thesis will contribute to existing scholarship:

“Its exploration of Fowler’s Facebook profile really opens up new avenues for other scholars to build upon. For example, I wasn’t aware that in 2012, Stacy posted about how she thought older men were cute. These are the questions that have been plaguing my mind for years, and now we’re finally getting answers.”

It is important that there would be some collaboration with Stacy, Strobl told the Muck-Rake, but according to him, she has not responded to the hundreds of messages, which he has sent for research purposes.

“I’ve tried everything,” he said while caressing a tattoo of Fowler he has on his bicep. “But I recognize that she’s only trying to help me out. After all, ignoring my calls and unfriending me on social media just makes my analysis more objective.”

After graduation, Strobl ’15 hopes to eventually earn a PhD in Stacy Fowler.

GAP Denounces GAP

“Unnecessary and Wasteful”
no one at queer prom but the dj was good I hear

Amherst, MA — Following last night’s GAP (Gay Amherst Party) entitled “Queer Prom,” GAP (Green Amherst Project) issued a statement denouncing the efforts as “unnecessary, wasteful, and unsustainable.”

“Were you there? Did you see the glitter? That stuff doesn’t just come off. You really have to kind of just pick each individual piece off one at a time,” added GAP member Trevor Dickey ’16. “And even then, it sticks to your fingers—anyway, what I’m saying is, these GAP practices affect the environment long after they’re through.”

Many GAP-affliated students found themselves in agreement.

“It’s absolutely unsustainable, and totally unnecessary,” said queer activist and GAP-organizer April Torres ‘18 in regards to the press statement. “We already have one GAP on campus, another GAP is redundant, wasteful, and frankly hypocritical. If such practices continue, who knows how many GAPs we will have. 3? 4? even 5, maybe.”

“The Amherst social ecosystem can’t keep pace,” Torres concluded.

The issue was not without debate, however, as some students found themselves unable to take sides.

“I think I agree?” said Environmental Studies major and QRC staff member Edgar Paelmann ’17. “Definitely, uh, the GAP raises some issues that the GAP needs to address. What was the question again?”

At press time members of the GAP were reportedly teaming up with other GAP members in a joint statement applauding GAP’s commitment to bringing people together and offering quality slacks at an affordable price.

Community Spirit Scavenger Hunt Raises Eyebrows


Amherst, MA — The “Amherst Spirit Scavenger Hunt,” touted as one of the major initiatives of AAS President Tomi Williams, is being met with increased skepticism and widespread reluctance as students across campus scramble to fulfill its demands.

“It seemed like a pretty nice idea at first,” reported scavenger hunt-participant and sophomore field hockey player Cheryl Schrichte ’17. “I think we really do need more events that mobilize the Amherst student body.”

Cheryl, among others, has found that it has not been so easy to comply.

“It’s kinda fun, actually. You just take a selfie at three events from each of the four categories: club events, student performances, sports games, and efforts to make better and more prosperous the great nation of Amherst,” explained fellow participant Brian Gonzalez ’16. “So far I’ve sat with the Russian table, went to a thesis theater performance, watched a men’s rugby game, and participated in an choreographed card stunt at a rally in honor of our leader, Tomi.”

“Stuff every Amherst college student should be doing, really,” Gonzalez paused for a moment, before adding, “And you get a free piece of Amherst gear for doing it, or entered into a raffle for an Ipad mini.”

“I’m happy to attend so many great events!” Schrichte ‘17 continued. “I’m just confused by some of these in the last category: ‘Sacrifice the Mascot of a NESCAC Rival Upon the Altar of Johnson Chapel’? Seems a little extreme. But then again, I already went to that philosophy lecture—which, unlike my slaughter of that purple cow, was neither quick nor painless!”

Still, some remained adamant that they would be finishing the spirit activity, regardless of the cost.

“It’s a hunt,” reported Matthias ‘Matt’ Stork ‘18. “It’s like, what did you expect? Not to ‘Bring Me the Skulls of Three Bowdoin Professors’? This is about school spirit, adding to the iron throne of our president Tomi Williams, and the opportunity to win an Ipad mini.”

At press time, President Williams’s cabinet was reportedly crafting a response to the mounting criticism, including the promise to give everyone a free piece of Amherst gear in return for unflinching fealty to the Williams regime and “for liking the Scavenger Hunt Facebook page,!”

Trapped in the Val Booth Chapter 1


Six o’clock in the evenin’
I’m stretchin’ and eatin’
In a Val booth on my own
When a voice yells, “Can I sit here? You’re all alone.”

Then a girl sits across from me
Don’t know this person, can I get free?
But then her friends sit down
I move over, trying not ta frown

Like, what have I done?
I wish that I could run
Now I’ve got this dumb look on my face
How could I be so stupid to have sat in this place?

Must of lost track of time
Oh, what was on my mind?
When I entered the Val throng
Didn’t plan to stay this long

Now here I am tryin’ to put on my jacket
Searchin’ for my I.D., tryin’ not to make a racket
Then another girl slides in too
I say, “Sorry can I get pass you?”

She says, “Come on now, don’t be sour
I’ll be done in less than an hour”
Stared at her like she was crazy
Said, “Look, I know everyone’s lazy

“But I have a lot of stuff to do
So please just let me get through”
She says, “You can’t go this way
Look more of our friends are coming to stay!”

Still don’t know anyone at this table
Would leave if I was able
For now, I guess I’ll just keep quiet
Wait I’m still hungry—I hate this Val booth diet!

Maybe I can slide under?
Would these people notice, I wonder?

Shit! someone sees what I’m doing
I sit back up; pretend I’m still chewing
And then I think I can climb out on top
Nope, this orange covering makes me stop!

So now I’m in the booth, like man, what the fuck is going on?
Who are they even talking about?
Never even heard of this guy named Sean.

So sick of this dinner conversation
The inside of this booth is the worst location
Plus I feel like I’m dyin’ of starvation

Then the people next to me get up to look for Sriracha
This is my moment, freedom—I finally gotcha
And just when I think I can slip out
This big guy sits down; yep, he blocks my route

He starts arguing with a girl sitting across
I try to interrupt, but I’m at a loss
They’re a couple, havin’ a meetin’
The guy thinks the girl is cheatin’

And then he suddenly notices me
Oh god, now I have to flee
He says, “Have you been seein’ this one, too?”
She says, “No, I would never cheat on you.”

I say, “I’m sorry I don’t know you guys”
He says, “Don’t tell me all your stupid lies”
I say, “Look, I never even met her”
And I pull out my Beretta.

I say, “I really need to leave
Could you just stand up please!?”
He says, “This ain’t gon’ fly!
I gotta know the reason why
You’re sitting in this Val booth
And we’re not leaving ‘til I know the truth”

So, yeah I’m in this Val booth
Pretty much trapped in this this Val booth
Guess I’m never leaving this Val booth (Val booth…)

Point/Counterpoint: “I had coffee at Rao’s” vs. “We were on a date!”


“I had coffee at Rao’s.” by Rachel Black ‘15

It was finals week last semester, so Frost was super packed and I wanted to work somewhere else. Amherst Coffee was even more packed than Frost and Starbucks is trashy, so I settled on Rao’s. I ordered a Chai latte and then couldn’t find an open table, so I asked some guy who was sitting at a big table by himself if I could sit at the other end of it. Literally as far away from him as I could possibly be while still being “at” the table.

“We were on a date!” by Jamie McClansky ‘18

It was magical. I had been messing around on Facebook as a warm-up before I started working, and one of the profiles I was checking out was this super cute senior named Rachel Black. Sure enough, five minutes later, I looked up and there she was in the flesh! Then she said, “Do you mind if I sit here?” It felt like something out of a movie.

I was too nervous to say anything, so I just nodded. When she sat down and pulled out her laptop, I noticed that she had a Macbook too! I thought about how to bring up how much we had in common, then I started running through how an entire conversation between us would probably go. It went super well!

All that thinking got me really excited and I started to sweat a bit. That made me self-conscious, which made me nervous, which made me sweat even more. It was a little embarrassing. I still hadn’t said anything to her, but “Lose Yourself” by Eminem had just come on Shuffle so I felt pretty inspired. It was pretty loud in Rao’s so I kind of had to shout to make sure she could hear me. I said, “Do you have any towels?” She must have had an emergency, because she packed up pretty quickly and left without saying anything. Anyway, I’m super excited for our second date!

A Crossett Christmas Carol

screen-shot-2013-12-08-at-4-46-56-pm + Grinch

“Please could you tell me, have you seen a Northface?
I’ve looked up and down and all over the place.
I attended the party in Crossett last night;
When I woke up without it I had quite a fright.”

“Well where was it placed? When was it last worn?
If these are not known, its loss you must mourn.
You need it if you want to survive this December.
For this reason, please, I implore you, remember.”

“The whole night is hazy, my headache is splitting.
I’ll take an Advil so the room will stop spinning.
Please fetch me some water to drink from the faucet.
Ahh that hits the spot. Here’s what happened at Crossett.

The athletes in Crossett were throwing a party
With camaraderie and booze and singing quite hearty,
But people from UMASS heard it might be fun
To crash into Crossett and our stairs overrun.

‘They love to be rowdy and revel and fight’,
Said the athletes who planned this most ambitious night.
‘They ruined it last year; they’ll do it again.
They’ll make our poor party a one out of ten.’

‘But why do they come?’ I wondered aloud.
I now have a theory, of which I’m quite proud.
Their alcohol policy’s now very strict;
They come here to avoid Subbaswamy’s edict.

Staring out from their campus, dry as a bone,
They knew it’d be awkward to come here alone.
From Facebook to Twitter and back went the news:
At Amherst you practically swim in the booze.

They put on their Ugliest Christmassy sweaters,
And don’t forget hats; the more matching the better.
With leggings all wrapped up in stripes red and green,
They planned to enliven Amherst’s party scene.

But some of them plotted nefarious plans:
They gathered around, then their evil began.
“When Crossett’s doors open at half past eleven,
We’ll find ourselves smack-dab in jacket thief heaven.

To the tune of Swift, Trainor, Grande and Shmurda
We’ll take and we’ll rage ‘til they scream bloody murder!
When we get inside, oh! The things we will do!
We’ll take Northface and Southpole! Patagonia too!

The doors will stay open, the alarms will start ringing
We’ll stand in the way, And the cans we’ll start flinging!
We’ll throw things at windows and climb on the walls
Our shouting will echo through Amherst’s dull halls!”

The athletes got wind of this sinister plot
It happened last year; they had not forgot.
They tried to prevent word from spreading too far,
But it was posted on Facebook; these things always are.

They came here on car, bike, and every which way,
But by far the most popular was PVTA
They packed in the buses from driver to rear:
The sound of their rumbling shook Amherst with fear.

They spilled onto campus like froth from a stein,
And took it as quickly as the Reich did the Rhine.
They swarmed onto campus: a great plague of locusts.”
“And what happened then? Come on, you must focus!”

“I’ll finish the story; don’t rush me dear friend.
Like all things this fable must come to an end.
The alarms were set off, the police gathered round;
They discussed what to do when they heard klaxons sound.

‘Always have we waited and longed for this day
To show Biddy Martin we deserve better pay.
All this shouting and nonsense we must stop at once
We’ll get rid of these squealing intolerable runts.’

A small voice spoke out, I like to imagine.
“Must we ruin their party in such ruthless fashion?”
They considered a while, rapt in brief contemplation
But then the chief spoke to end all rumination.

“First of all Jim, no-one’s talking to you.
Secondly Jim, this is why we wear blue.
There’re no other outlets to exercise power;
Don’t do this now Jim, not in our finest hour.”

They sent out an email and rushed to the Quad,
Got a glimpse of the crowd and exclaimed “Oh My God!”
To be heard above hubbub and din they did shout
“Students of UMASS go home, GET OUT!”

The socials were emptied, the Powerhouse filled;
The event was no more: Crossett Christmas was killed.
But who bore the blade and the brunt of the blame?
Were the athletes playing a dangerous game,
When they tried their darndest to earn campus-wide fame?
The UMASS kids just wanted fun; so they claim,
Their only crime: thinking their campus was lame,
‘Til rabble rousers arrived to kindled the flame.
Or maybe the cops, though just doing their job,
Didn’t need to disperse the still-massive mob.

All I know’s that they made an intolerable racket,
And after all this, alas, still no jacket!
I think I saw some UMASS girl wearing it then.
Or maybe a guy, perhaps it could be a ‘Ben’.”

“Ben or some girl, two fantastic clues,
with your faulty recall I’m surprised you have shoes.
Lets look around for it; forget about Crossett.
Just where might it be? Have you checked your closet?”

“Of course I have checked it! Are you calling me dumb?
Or did I? Remember, my mind is still numb.
Let’s look inside now, and, oh! Just my luck!
It was here all along!”

“Of course, you dumb fuck.”