AMHERST, MA – For Amherst Athletics, equestrian and crew are relatively small-time affairs; they don’t fill stadiums, drive the college’s notoriety, or win championships. That is why they are at the center of what was described as the broadest college admissions fraud the U.S. Justice Department has uncovered. In its investigation, codenamed “Junior Varsity Blues,” the government focused on nine different colleges and universities who held a similar athletic reputation as Amherst, including Salve Regina University, Cal State Dominguez Hills, and ITT Technical Institute. Unlike in football and basketball, there is little widespread knowledge of or general interest in who might be good at what are seen as minor sports, so admissions officials usually have to take coaches at their word when they tell them an applicant is worthy. Continue reading
Some things will never be understood. Who built the pyramids? Where do birds come from? Well, fear no more: one of history’s great mysteries is about to be solved. The Val Ice Cream Machine is about to be fixed, once and for all.
The cream of the crop is here to cream this crop and stop that cream from cropping up where we don’t want it. That’s right, the cream team has arrived. Bullshit you say? More like bull’s milk, of the same ilk, as cow’s milk (iced cream). It’s the crème de la crème, here to restart the clock on Big Ben, and by that I mean fix this damn machine.
Soon it’ll be all peaches and cream, or rather, pernil al horno and cream. Get in the queue because it’s time to suckle one by one at the teet of Mother Milk. And oh baby am I gonna milk it for all it’s worth.
I’m out of order? No, you’re out of order, ice cream machine. In fact, I do have an order and it’s “one ice cream please.” Can you make that happen? Didn’t think so.
Still not fixed? How is that possible? Isn’t this a brand new machine? The tease of Madagascar Vanilla is enough to make me cream my jeans, and believe me I would if I could if this machine were in order. But I can’t, so I shan’t. And that’s the Amherst way.
Good luck team. We’ll be rooting for you.
The peaceful gathering of all the world’s nations, which qualifies as a “complex event,” will be shut down by 11:45pm.
The college has once again updated its party policy in an effort to further empower students to chug Rasberry Rubinoff at 10 PM, and ensure administrative job security. To save you time, The Muck-Rake has compiled the highlights.
- You must meet with a Dean of residential life to register the party: the ResLife office will shorten its doorway by half to Encourage Student Choice to crawl on hands and knees.
- Drinking games may only occur at parties if Suzanne Coffey is allowed to #rollthru again.
- Alcohol may only be served from the barrel of ACPD Chief John Carter’s gun.
- You may possess up to six alcohol units at any given time. By possess, we mean hold, own, or conceive of it. One unit consists of:
- Half a crushed can of keystone light
- A mole of wine
- For each guest over capacity, the Party Sponsor will receive ten lashes.
- A Party Sponsor must submit for review at least 72 hours (3 business days) in advance, unless you are a member of Registration Prime™, allowing you to register parties only 48 hours in advance.
- The Party Sponsor must call the ACPD every fifteen minutes, and ask us how we’re doing for a change.
- Complex parties may not be held until a committee search for a visiting professor of Crowd Management is completed.
- No drinks in locations of increased safety risk, like on porches, balconies, stairwells, kitchens, bathrooms, floors, walled rooms.
- No talking.
- If floor is dirty an hour after the approved end time, it must be licked clean.
- If any rules are violated, the sponsor must pay tuition for each student not invited.
- Underage drinkers will be forcibly aged.
- No Music, unless it is on the approved song list:
“Ride of the Valkyries” by Wagner
“I Got a Feeling” by The Black Eyed Peas
We’ve all been there: Finals are underway and now you’ve got to figure out how to prepare for finals. Fear not, because the Muck-Rake has you covered. Here are seven easy tips for acing those terminal assessments!
1. Get Midnight Breakfast at Val
Studies show a full stomach makes for a full examination. Swing by Val for a few hours before you get cracking; the soothing aroma of three-day-old chicken soaking in dish soap will provide invigorating brain-fuel for your studies!
2. Slip into one of Keefe’s massage chairs
Let the sweat-encrusted leather of the Friedman Room massage chairs envelop your limp flesh prison in a night of rest and relaxation! The Office of Student Life has shipped three bonafide Lazy Boy PowerReclineXR’s to the Friedman room, and those greasy boys are fired up and ready to go. Work the knots out of your deteriorating back before your big test, you won’t regret it.
3. Take up Jogging
Everyone knows finals week is the best time to pick up jogging. You might think you’re too busy, but that’s just you tricking yourself into not jogging, like you always do. Jogging is a great way to relax and take your mind off work, especially because there are still two hours left in the day to go over your three review sheets!
4. Attend the Chipotle Burrito Drop at the Powerhouse
Watch as thousands of burritos darken the sky from the safety and comfort of the Powerhouse! Literally the only structure capable of withstanding this terrible display of power, the Powerhouse is the perfect place to watch in horror as two thousand dollars of Chipotle burrito fixings are dropped from a height of 4,000 feet.
5. Clean your dorm
Whether you live with a roomie or not, your dorm is probably a filthy, pestilent sty. Recent studies have proven that you’re a dirty, filthy, nasty bit of Jenkins shower scum, and taking the time to clean your workspace is the fifth step to becoming that baby genius you’ve always been told you are.
6. Don’t Panic
Things may seem bleak, but we promise, everyone’s been there. The sense of crushing defeat, like everything is falling and time is slipping through your fingers? That’s ok. What’s important is taking good care of your mental health. Take deep breaths, and research yoga classes to try out next semester. After you register for a couple, boil a cup of tea for yourself and check your socials. Remember: everyone earns a break now and again. Oh jesus, the sun’s really set. Oh god, oh man. That’s not good. We haven’t even begun giving you our study related tips!
7. Contact an Extraplanar Entity Capable of Taking Your Finals For You
Look, we know this is exactly how things went last semester. We’re sorry. Maybe you should have started studying sooner, but don’t worry! Klargon, your new class dean has you covered.
All you need to ace your exams this time around is to bind an eldritch being to your service and let them dominate your physical form. Lucky for you, this Tuesday, from 1-3pm, Klargon and Paul Gallegos will be handing them out for free in the Keefe atrium. These ghastly creatures use their access to higher dimensions of reality to acquire all the information necessary to slam dunk your finals for you! Sponsored by the Office of Student Life!
We hoped you enjoyed our seven easy steps for acing your finals. Be sure to take a nice bath after Ammutseba, Devourer of Stars, has been inside you – you earned it!
AMHERST, MA – Last night so many coats were stolen from Jenkins that the stolen coat has become its own cryptocurrency. Stolen Jenkins Coats (SJC) is open-source, its design is public, and everyone can take part. Mining coats is easy. Simply show your Amherst ID to the strange bouncers nobody hired, enter the building, and then have at it. Economists project coats stolen from Jenkins last night will become more valuable than bitcoin by 2018, especially the ones that had wallets in the side pockets! Yahtzee! Get started with SJC today. There are no consequences.
AMHERST, Ma. – The Amherst College Student Health Educators (SHEs) have announced their latest workshop, “Hot, Long-awaited, and Flavorless: Valentine Sex Toys.” The workshop, which only recently received approval to leave the trial stage, aims to serve the lower-income population of Amherst, who have in the past struggled to gather the necessary supplies for the SHEs’ original sex toy workshop.
The new sex toys make use of materials ranging from bagels to social mugs to a modification of a Val classic, the Apple Fork. The workshop itself will highlight uses of Val supplies to promote safe sex; notable additions include panini paper dental dams and hummus spermicide. BDSM practitioners will also learn tips for pleasing, or horrifying, their partners through Noodle Bar Intimidation.
Valentine staff have denounced the move, citing that stolen Val silverware and dishes have already cost the dining hall more than $50,000 this year alone. Their official complaint came in the form of a passive aggressive note bundled with candy placed in students’ mailboxes, which announced, “Your foreplay will cost Val over a hundred grand, money that could be better spent on sushi, fruit or a flat-screen for our break-room.”
Students have been mostly unsympathetic to Val’s complaints. Many have argued that offering better food would remedy the problem, as most end up overindulging their sexual appetite to satisfy their physical hunger
“I’d much rather have popped cherries than fresh berries!” said likely virgin Henry Thurst ’17 while stocking up on pineapple slices and disposable plastic spoons.
The SHEs’ new course is also struggling to gain traction with more ecological and health-minded students. Concerns over BPA presence in Val plastics have left some students worried for their sex health.
“All of our toys are completely compostable and safe for the environment,” said junior SHE Alicia Tarry ’16. “Likewise, fear of unnatural toxins can be a great motivator for safe sex— the mystery really sets the mood for the night. And remember, you can always get yourself tested for post-coital mercury poisoning in the Health Center!”
AMHERST, MA — Ryan Strobl ’15, after years of research, is finally ready to present his thesis in Psychology, “Love the One You’re With: An Examination of Amherst Dating Culture,” in which he analyzes the aesthetic and cultural value of the Facebook page of Stacy Fowler, his longtime crush.
It was difficult to get hold of Strobl, since he spends much of his time investigating his topic. One can often find Strobl in deep concentration about Fowler’s Timeline in Frost’s C-Level, in his dorm room in King, or in bathrooms around campus.
“I’ve always been interested in the topic and have been doing personal research since Freshman year,” remarked Strobl while scrolling through the ‘iOS Photos’ album. “Only now am I able to dedicate the time and effort I need to hone in on the important moments of her life, all the way from her Hawaii 2013 album to her high school senior portrait, and everything in between.”
His thesis advisor, Professor Catherine A. Sanderson, believes strongly in the value that this thesis will contribute to existing scholarship:
“Its exploration of Fowler’s Facebook profile really opens up new avenues for other scholars to build upon. For example, I wasn’t aware that in 2012, Stacy posted about how she thought older men were cute. These are the questions that have been plaguing my mind for years, and now we’re finally getting answers.”
It is important that there would be some collaboration with Stacy, Strobl told the Muck-Rake, but according to him, she has not responded to the hundreds of messages, which he has sent for research purposes.
“I’ve tried everything,” he said while caressing a tattoo of Fowler he has on his bicep. “But I recognize that she’s only trying to help me out. After all, ignoring my calls and unfriending me on social media just makes my analysis more objective.”
After graduation, Strobl ’15 hopes to eventually earn a PhD in Stacy Fowler.
Amherst, MA — Following last night’s GAP (Gay Amherst Party) entitled “Queer Prom,” GAP (Green Amherst Project) issued a statement denouncing the efforts as “unnecessary, wasteful, and unsustainable.”
“Were you there? Did you see the glitter? That stuff doesn’t just come off. You really have to kind of just pick each individual piece off one at a time,” added GAP member Trevor Dickey ’16. “And even then, it sticks to your fingers—anyway, what I’m saying is, these GAP practices affect the environment long after they’re through.”
Many GAP-affliated students found themselves in agreement.
“It’s absolutely unsustainable, and totally unnecessary,” said queer activist and GAP-organizer April Torres ‘18 in regards to the press statement. “We already have one GAP on campus, another GAP is redundant, wasteful, and frankly hypocritical. If such practices continue, who knows how many GAPs we will have. 3? 4? even 5, maybe.”
“The Amherst social ecosystem can’t keep pace,” Torres concluded.
The issue was not without debate, however, as some students found themselves unable to take sides.
“I think I agree?” said Environmental Studies major and QRC staff member Edgar Paelmann ’17. “Definitely, uh, the GAP raises some issues that the GAP needs to address. What was the question again?”
At press time members of the GAP were reportedly teaming up with other GAP members in a joint statement applauding GAP’s commitment to bringing people together and offering quality slacks at an affordable price.
Amherst, MA — The “Amherst Spirit Scavenger Hunt,” touted as one of the major initiatives of AAS President Tomi Williams, is being met with increased skepticism and widespread reluctance as students across campus scramble to fulfill its demands.
“It seemed like a pretty nice idea at first,” reported scavenger hunt-participant and sophomore field hockey player Cheryl Schrichte ’17. “I think we really do need more events that mobilize the Amherst student body.”
Cheryl, among others, has found that it has not been so easy to comply.
“It’s kinda fun, actually. You just take a selfie at three events from each of the four categories: club events, student performances, sports games, and efforts to make better and more prosperous the great nation of Amherst,” explained fellow participant Brian Gonzalez ’16. “So far I’ve sat with the Russian table, went to a thesis theater performance, watched a men’s rugby game, and participated in an choreographed card stunt at a rally in honor of our leader, Tomi.”
“Stuff every Amherst college student should be doing, really,” Gonzalez paused for a moment, before adding, “And you get a free piece of Amherst gear for doing it, or entered into a raffle for an Ipad mini.”
“I’m happy to attend so many great events!” Schrichte ‘17 continued. “I’m just confused by some of these in the last category: ‘Sacrifice the Mascot of a NESCAC Rival Upon the Altar of Johnson Chapel’? Seems a little extreme. But then again, I already went to that philosophy lecture—which, unlike my slaughter of that purple cow, was neither quick nor painless!”
Still, some remained adamant that they would be finishing the spirit activity, regardless of the cost.
“It’s a hunt,” reported Matthias ‘Matt’ Stork ‘18. “It’s like, what did you expect? Not to ‘Bring Me the Skulls of Three Bowdoin Professors’? This is about school spirit, adding to the iron throne of our president Tomi Williams, and the opportunity to win an Ipad mini.”
At press time, President Williams’s cabinet was reportedly crafting a response to the mounting criticism, including the promise to give everyone a free piece of Amherst gear in return for unflinching fealty to the Williams regime and “for liking the Scavenger Hunt Facebook page, http://www.facebook.com/2015AmherstSpiritScavengerHunt/!”