College Disbands Football Team After Landmark Editorial

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AMHERST, Ma. – Amherst College athletics officials announced the termination of the school’s football program Monday after learning from a professor that the sport promotes male chauvinism and death.  “We were stunned to hear that football encourages masculine stereotypes and can lead to serious injury,” said Amherst athletics director Suzanne Coffey.  “When we did, we had to shut it down.”

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Political Science Department Introduces Physical Component to Thesis Prerequisites

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AMHERST, Ma. – Starting with the Class of 2015, Amherst College students who wish to be considered for graduation with departmental honors in Political Science will have to pass a physical fitness test administered twice during the thesis process and potentially once more upon graduation, according to internal departmental emails leaked to Muck-Rake editorial staff yesterday.  According to William H. Hastie ’25 Professor of Political Science Thomas L. Dumm, the physical component to the thesis prerequisite will be comprised of seven parts: push-ups, sit-ups, a timed two-mile run, deadlifts, full supination concentration curls, two-twitch speed push-ups (four fast, three slow), and 80/20 siebers-speed squats.  Students seeking to graduate with department honors will have to achieve a minimum score of 60 on each event, measured in compliance with the standards detailed in Chapter 14 of Army Field Manual 21-20, Physical Fitness Training. Continue reading

College Adds Asterisk To ‘Bird Sanctuary’ Name

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AMHERST, Ma. – In keeping with standards of transparency promoted by college president Carolyn “Biddy” Martin, Amherst College has released a statement clarifying that there are no actual, live birds in its “bird sanctuary.”  The disclosure notes that the 113-acre space on the southeast side of the bucolic New England campus is and has since its inception remained The Robert C. Byrd Rifleman’s Sanctuary, a hunting preserve named in honor of the late West Virginia senator and leased in perpetuity to the college by the New England Sportsman’s Alliance.  Martin acknowledged that disclosure of the sanctuary’s purpose as a wild-game preserve was a necessary component of the school’s attempts to conform to Title IX.

AC After Dark T-Ball Stand Pitches Perfect Game

KEEFE CAMPUS CENTER, Amherst, Ma. – The t-ball stand purchased by Hannah Fatemi for Thursday’s AC After Dark “O’Connor Commons World Series” event secured its legacy as pitcher of the first perfect game in After Dark league history.  The unflappable 4’3″ opponent clinched its victory after striking out freshman batter Brian Durkow, who flailed rabidly on an 0-2 pitch in the middle of the zone.  “I want to commend the t-ball stand for this historic achievement,” said Dean Fatemi.  “This easily goes down as the program’s greatest athletic success.”