Brian Hamm Introduced as New Title IX Coordinator

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AMHERST, Ma. – Brian Hamm, the 2011 NESCAC Coach of the Year and preeminent head coach of the men’s baseball program since 2008, has been named Amherst College’s new Title IX Coordinator according to an official press release.  Suzanne Coffey will step down from the position effective immediately, but will retain her position as Athletic Director of the College.

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EDITORIAL: Relocate the Gym to the Second Floor of Keefe

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MUCK-RAKE CENTER, Amherst, Ma. – It is time to give athletes the respect they deserve. Professor Thomas L. Dumm’s hurtful Amherst Student editorial, “The Elephant in the Room,” opened our eyes to the war on sport that is waged against varsity athletes at this college every day, and we cannot continue to stand idly by as rampant discrimination occurs before our eyes. As long as people of sport are expected to spend their time in a bleak, distant, state-of-the-art, multilevel dungeon like Alumni Gymnasium, their professors and classmates will continue to view them as mysterious human death machines. Therefore, we must move the gym to a more visible location, one where all students can socialize, work, and exert themselves to the point of physical sickness together.

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Hampshire Follows Amherst’s Lead, Bans Pilates

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SOUTH AMHERST, Ma. – Hampshire College descended into controversy Monday after calls by a senior professor to disband the college’s varsity Pilates team.  Calling it “the nexus of Hampshire’s rancid athletic social order,” Globalization/Third World Studies Professor Terry F. Ellison demanded the disbandment of the school’s preeminent athletic program following widespread calls by student groups to address Hampshire’s “jock-centric” party scene.

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College Disbands Football Team After Landmark Editorial

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AMHERST, Ma. – Amherst College athletics officials announced the termination of the school’s football program Monday after learning from a professor that the sport promotes male chauvinism and death.  “We were stunned to hear that football encourages masculine stereotypes and can lead to serious injury,” said Amherst athletics director Suzanne Coffey.  “When we did, we had to shut it down.”

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Political Science Department Introduces Physical Component to Thesis Prerequisites

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AMHERST, Ma. – Starting with the Class of 2015, Amherst College students who wish to be considered for graduation with departmental honors in Political Science will have to pass a physical fitness test administered twice during the thesis process and potentially once more upon graduation, according to internal departmental emails leaked to Muck-Rake editorial staff yesterday.  According to William H. Hastie ’25 Professor of Political Science Thomas L. Dumm, the physical component to the thesis prerequisite will be comprised of seven parts: push-ups, sit-ups, a timed two-mile run, deadlifts, full supination concentration curls, two-twitch speed push-ups (four fast, three slow), and 80/20 siebers-speed squats.  Students seeking to graduate with department honors will have to achieve a minimum score of 60 on each event, measured in compliance with the standards detailed in Chapter 14 of Army Field Manual 21-20, Physical Fitness Training. Continue reading

College Adds Asterisk To ‘Bird Sanctuary’ Name

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AMHERST, Ma. – In keeping with standards of transparency promoted by college president Carolyn “Biddy” Martin, Amherst College has released a statement clarifying that there are no actual, live birds in its “bird sanctuary.”  The disclosure notes that the 113-acre space on the southeast side of the bucolic New England campus is and has since its inception remained The Robert C. Byrd Rifleman’s Sanctuary, a hunting preserve named in honor of the late West Virginia senator and leased in perpetuity to the college by the New England Sportsman’s Alliance.  Martin acknowledged that disclosure of the sanctuary’s purpose as a wild-game preserve was a necessary component of the school’s attempts to conform to Title IX.