“I did not realize this was a hockey game,” said senior and well-known horndog Kyle Jefferson.
At this tumultuous time in Amherst College’s history, an avatar of peace and happiness has emerged to end the mascot debate once and for all. Continue reading
COOLIDGE CAGE, Amherst, Ma. – Luke Sanders ’15, the “can’t-miss” friendship prospect and consensus number one overall pick in the upcoming Fraternity Refugee Draft, continued to wow representatives of the over 40 student social groups participating in the draft with his performance at Thursday morning’s Fraternity Refugee Scouting Combine in Coolidge Cage.
Among the general drills held in the Cage were assessments of each prospect’s ability to hang posters, throw a frisbee, sing/beatbox, create a Facebook event, and run a laser timed 40-yard dash. Amherst Political Union vice president and scout Carter Hayes described the scouting process in a post-Combine press conference: “We can all see the raw potential in most of these guys, but most of us have no idea what they’ve been up to behind closed fraternity doors. It’s our job as scouts to make sure they’re ready to adjust to the world of College-sanctioned fun. These are the big leagues.”
Other traits observed in the Cage included prospects’ ability to shotgun a beer quickly (“But not too quickly,” according to a scout from the Amherst Christian Fellowship), complain about the food at Valentine Dining Hall, and interact with members of the opposite sex. A group of scouts representing the “First-Year Girls Who Aren’t Varsity Athletes But Sit in the Back Room of Val Anyway,” or FYGWAVABSITBROVAs (first pick: round 1, pick 23), were “blown away” by how quickly Sanders was able to ask for and receive all five of their phone numbers, with one of the scouts noting that Sanders “didn’t even introduce himself” before handing the group an iPhone with the “New Contact” screen open. She added that the FYGWAVABSITBROVAs would not hesitate to trade “whatever it takes” to improve their draft position and chances at welcoming the social dynamo into their ranks.
Sources indicate that Sanders also impressed scouts in his one-on-one interviews with each group, most of which included an evaluation of each prospect’s ability to match the dominant sense of humor on the group’s email chain and his comfort level at the group’s preferred table in Valentine Dining Hall. An anonymous scout remarked that Sanders has “an impossibly high ceiling,” adding that the junior is “a natural social chair, but you can plug him into any E-board position on day one and be happy with his production.”
“I just wanted to come out here and show all of these groups that I’ve got what it takes to hang out with them next year,” said Sanders, who was the only ex-fraternity member that elected not to order a party pizza in front of scouts. “Now that DKE’s illegal, there’s going to be a lot of pressure on me as a senior next Fall to step into whichever one of these groups selects me and start being friends with them right away. I think I proved today that I’ve done it before, and I can do it again.”
AMHERST, Ma. – Late last night, President Martin announced that Chief Student Affairs Officer, Title IX Coordinator, and Athletic Director Suzanne Coffey will assume the role of AAS President for the 2014-15 academic year.
“In these troubling times, we need someone with administrative experience and unimpeachable integrity to step in and implement the changes necessary to make the AAS run smoothly,” explained Martin. “Suzanne Coffey has shown herself to be an extremely competent administrator in her roles as CSAO, Title IX coordinator, and Athletic Director, and I am confident that she will do a tremendous job in taking on this additional responsibility. Protest over this appointment can only serve to cause further unrest. Students will have to trust me—this decision is in their own best interests.”
THE BACK ROOM OF VAL, Amherst, Ma. – Amani Ahmed ’15, candidate for AAS President, was reportedly “hanging out” in the back room of Valentine Dining Hall yesterday when varsity athlete Stephen Hardy ’17, a major donor to her campaign, went off on a now-controversial rant that has gone viral after being caught on video tape. The “fucking Melvins” video, as it is now known, has threatened Ahmed’s ability to maintain her voting base and left many wondering whether she will recover before polls close tonight.
Hardy, an Amherst baseball player and alleged Amherst student, railed against “NARPS, nerds, GDIs, Biddy Martin, Barista Tony, Egg McCharlies,” and several other subjects that Front-Roomers, a key demographic for Ahmed, hold dear. “It’s not ‘Terras Irradient,‘ it’s ‘Tear ass and make your lift,'” shouted Hardy at the conclusion of his rant, “Seriously, fuck these fucking Melvins. I hate this place. Hardy, out.” The Muck-Rake regrets that the rest of the tirade is not appropriate for our family friendly audience.
Stephen Yee ’15, spokesman for the Crane campaign, explained why Ahmed’s association with Hardy and undesirables like him is devastating for her campaign: “Amani was back there [in the back room] for four consecutive hours yesterday. Does she go to class? I don’t know. What was she doing back there? I don’t know. I usually just get my drinks and then speed walk out of there. Those people terrify me. But clearly they don’t scare Ms. Ahmed, and that makes me question her loyalty to the real students at this College.”
Ahmed’s connections to “the back room” allegedly extend back at least two years, with accounts of conversations between the candidate and fraternity members, varsity athletes, and other campus undesirables cropping up as early as her first-year orientation. Her persistent presence in “the back room” has led some to question whether Ahmed herself is in an all-male underground fraternity.
“Concerns about Amani being in a frat are totally unsubstantiated and laughable,” said Jeremiah Wright ’16, an Ahmed for President campaign staffer. “She doesn’t drink. She’s never had a sip of [cool, refreshing Miller Genuine Draft] in her life. And she cares too much about this community to hide anything from it. She was outraged and saddened by Mr. Hardy’s words and has since cut all ties from that particular table.”
AMHERST, Ma. – Brian Hamm, the 2011 NESCAC Coach of the Year and preeminent head coach of the men’s baseball program since 2008, has been named Amherst College’s new Title IX Coordinator according to an official press release. Suzanne Coffey will step down from the position effective immediately, but will retain her position as Athletic Director of the College.
MUCK-RAKE CENTER, Amherst, Ma. – It is time to give athletes the respect they deserve. Professor Thomas L. Dumm’s hurtful Amherst Student editorial, “The Elephant in the Room,” opened our eyes to the war on sport that is waged against varsity athletes at this college every day, and we cannot continue to stand idly by as rampant discrimination occurs before our eyes. As long as people of sport are expected to spend their time in a bleak, distant, state-of-the-art, multilevel dungeon like Alumni Gymnasium, their professors and classmates will continue to view them as mysterious human death machines. Therefore, we must move the gym to a more visible location, one where all students can socialize, work, and exert themselves to the point of physical sickness together.
SOUTH AMHERST, Ma. – Hampshire College descended into controversy Monday after calls by a senior professor to disband the college’s varsity Pilates team. Calling it “the nexus of Hampshire’s rancid athletic social order,” Globalization/Third World Studies Professor Terry F. Ellison demanded the disbandment of the school’s preeminent athletic program following widespread calls by student groups to address Hampshire’s “jock-centric” party scene.