Crack Team Assembles to Fix the Ice Cream Machine Once and For All


Some things will never be understood. Who built the pyramids? Where do birds come from? Well, fear no more: one of history’s great mysteries is about to be solved. The Val Ice Cream Machine is about to be fixed, once and for all.

The cream of the crop is here to cream this crop and stop that cream from cropping up where we don’t want it. That’s right, the cream team has arrived. Bullshit you say? More like bull’s milk, of the same ilk, as cow’s milk (iced cream). It’s the crème de la crème, here to restart the clock on Big Ben, and by that I mean fix this damn machine.

Soon it’ll be all peaches and cream, or rather, pernil al horno and cream. Get in the queue because it’s time to suckle one by one at the teet of Mother Milk. And oh baby am I gonna milk it for all it’s worth.

I’m out of order? No, you’re out of order, ice cream machine. In fact, I do have an order and it’s “one ice cream please.” Can you make that happen? Didn’t think so.

Still not fixed? How is that possible? Isn’t this a brand new machine? The tease of Madagascar Vanilla is enough to make me cream my jeans, and believe me I would if I could if this machine were in order. But I can’t, so I shan’t. And that’s the Amherst way.

Good luck team. We’ll be rooting for you.

Other Candidates for Dean of Students Included Dolores Umbridge, Severus Snape

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AMHERST, Ma. – After James Larimore became the fourth Dean of Students to leave Amherst College in as many years, President Caroline “Biddy” Martin considered offering the position to such candidates as Chemistry Professor Severus Snape and Interim Dean of Student Conduct Dolores Umbridge, according to sources inside the administration.

“Honestly, people are starting to think the position is cursed,” said Head Librarian Irma Pince. “And after what happened to Dean Boykin-East in the Forbidden Forest, I can’t say I blame them.”

Some students were shocked by the appointment of Suzanne Coffey, whom many considered under-qualified for her previous position as Title IX Coordinator. “I mean, I know she wrote Wanderings with Werewolves and Gadding with Ghouls, but she also wrote that atrocious op-ed for The Student last year,” recalled Lee Jordan ’14.

Other students were more sympathetic to President Martin’s position. “I guess they were getting kind of desperate,” suggested Colin Creevey ’15. “There’s not a lot of people who want that job these days.”

As of press time, Dean Coffey was last spotted in the gym parking lot handing out signed portraits of herself to students.