Crack Team Assembles to Fix the Ice Cream Machine Once and For All


Some things will never be understood. Who built the pyramids? Where do birds come from? Well, fear no more: one of history’s great mysteries is about to be solved. The Val Ice Cream Machine is about to be fixed, once and for all.

The cream of the crop is here to cream this crop and stop that cream from cropping up where we don’t want it. That’s right, the cream team has arrived. Bullshit you say? More like bull’s milk, of the same ilk, as cow’s milk (iced cream). It’s the crème de la crème, here to restart the clock on Big Ben, and by that I mean fix this damn machine.

Soon it’ll be all peaches and cream, or rather, pernil al horno and cream. Get in the queue because it’s time to suckle one by one at the teet of Mother Milk. And oh baby am I gonna milk it for all it’s worth.

I’m out of order? No, you’re out of order, ice cream machine. In fact, I do have an order and it’s “one ice cream please.” Can you make that happen? Didn’t think so.

Still not fixed? How is that possible? Isn’t this a brand new machine? The tease of Madagascar Vanilla is enough to make me cream my jeans, and believe me I would if I could if this machine were in order. But I can’t, so I shan’t. And that’s the Amherst way.

Good luck team. We’ll be rooting for you.

Report: Thesis Writer Now More Caffeine Than Human


MERRILL SCIENCE CENTER, Amherst, MA — “The caffeine molecules have overtaken the human ones,” observed an astounded Assistant Professor of Biology Ethan Graf while examining the latest urine sample.

The Amherst professor is at the forefront of studying what he believes might be the first chemical-hybrid person.

“The DNA has practically spliced together. At this rate, we can expect him to be pissing about once every few minutes. Jittery as all get out. Oh and sleep? His sleeping days are long over. That’s not to say he won’t be tired and feel like shit, but this guy,” Professor Graf said, tapping a test tube of yellow liquid, “he’s not going to bed any time soon.”

The medical breakthrough comes despite the fact that the actual subject remains at large, though the samples have pinpointed his location somewhere around C-level of Frost Library.

“We didn’t even have to gather the urine samples—they’re just pissing and shitting everywhere. Definitely a thesis writer, probably ’cause that floor doesn’t have a bathroom. Unfortunate…but whoever it is,” Graf concluded, “I expect their Zotero is looking really impressive right now.”