AMHERST, Ma. – In the wake of the expanding scandal now known as “Valgate,” President Martin has defended her decision to fire staffer James “Jim” Larimore over his alleged involvement in a deliberate effort to create a traffic bottleneck in Val earlier today by closing all lines except the Lighter Side serving station.
An email thread released this afternoon shows Larimore writing to fellow staffer Patricia O’Hara, “Time for a traffic jam in Val.” O’Hara responded, “Got it.”
O’Hara later wrote to Larimore expressing concern that students were unable to both eat and get to class on time after waiting in lines that stretched to Keefe Campus Center: “I feel bad for the kids.” Larimore replied, “They are the children of Williams alumni.”
President Martin, although acknowledging this lunch hour’s extreme line lengths, denied knowledge of a deliberate effort to disrupt service in Val.
When questioned about the impact that “Valgate” might have on her reputation as a bully and her possible bid for the college presidency of Harvard, Martin called the reporter an “idiot” and told him to “mind [his] own fucking business and keep [his] nose out of other people’s shit.”
While the controversy has some student leaders up in arms, a few eye-witness reports indicate that today’s unusually long lines may be due to nothing more than a shortage of Egg McCharlies.
AMHERST, Ma. – Arriving on campus for his upcoming lecture, former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich expressed excitement for his recent contract with Amherst.
“I am thrilled at the opportunity to speak at Amherst College,” Gingrich reported. “Having fulfilled my side of the bargain, I will finally be able to reap the benefits of my contract.”
Gingrich was proud to share a copy of his contract with Amherst with the Muck-Rake. The contract entitles Gingrich to collect a payment totaling over six figures in exchange for an approximately thirty-six minute lecture. “This contract,” he explained, “will serve as a lasting lesson to this liberal arts college to be fiscally responsible.”
In addition to the former Speaker’s exorbitant receipts, notable stipulations in Gingrich’s contract with Amherst include six adjoining rooms at the Lord Jeffery Inn, a personal beverage attendant, three bowls of Peanut M&Ms Candies (no blue M&Ms), and transportation to and from Bradley International Airport in Robert Lucido’s personal limousine.
Gingrich hopes, however, that his trip will be worth more than just his contract with Amherst: he and his wife Callista will be selling and signing books after the talk.
WASHINGTON, D.C. – In an emergency press briefing, US President Barack Obama issued a stern warning, declaring that he would not tolerate the use of chemical warfare—including, but not limited to the use of Yellow No. 5, Blue No. 1, or Red No. 40—in GlobeMed’s escalating Color Wars.
“Let me be clear,” Obama instructed the press, “This advertised use of chemicals changes the calculus. The United States, as a world leader, cannot tolerate this kind of warfare on our own soil. We are closely monitoring the situation.”
This press briefing came after Isreali Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu took to the floor of the UN General Assembly to explain the impending threat.
“We will not—I repeat—will not hesitate to use force to control this situation,” Obama added. “Drones are on standby.”
GlobeMed insists that any use of chemicals is a matter of internal affairs—not a war crime. Spokespeople for the regime also mentioned that “the event will have Sugar Jones cookies, as well as pizza.”
The mononymous politician is the breath of fresh air the AAS needs and this school deserves.
‘Nice Work, Adam,’ Martin Sneers at Public Hearing
AMHERST, Ma. – Saying he was “chomping at the bit” to “roll up his sleeves and get to work,” Association of Amherst Students President-elect George Tepe pledged Monday to “hit the ground running” “on Day One.”
CHICAGO – More stressful moments at Badri campaign headquarters late Thursday as national polls indicated that the race for AAS president had narrowed markedly, with Will Savino coming within four points of Shruthi Badri and likely preventing the first-year challenger from reaching the 50% threshold needed to avoid a runoff.