CHICAGO – More stressful moments at Badri campaign headquarters late Thursday as national polls indicated that the race for AAS president had narrowed markedly, with Will Savino coming within four points of Shruthi Badri and likely preventing the first-year challenger from reaching the 50% threshold needed to avoid a runoff.
MUCK-RAKE ELECTION CENTER –The AAS presidential race was turned upside down this afternoon by reports that Shruthi Badri ’16, the front-runner in the contest for student-body president, is a member of one of Amherst College’s infamous “underground fraternities.”
MUCK-RAKE ELECTION CENTER – AAS presidential candidate George Tepe ’14 scored a major political coup this morning with reports that the Amherst College junior has secured the endorsement of senior Alex Propp’s hair.
AMHERST, Ma. – The headquarters of the Savino campaign filled with boisterous applause Wednesday morning as news arrived that the vaguely Italian native of Buffalo, New York had received the all-important endorsement of the Multicultural Resource Center.
AMHERST, Ma. – Unemployed politician and former United States senator Scott Brown (R-Ma.) delivered a rousing speech in Amherst College’s Johnson Chapel on Saturday, deriding the Association of Amherst Students for funding the honorarium for former United States senator Scott Brown (R-Ma.). Citing minutes from the AAS Budgetary Committee meeting on January 30, Brown noted that not a single member of the committee expressed concern about the long term financial impact of a $10,000 expenditure, and that calculations into the present discounted value of the transaction were done without attention to future interest rates and Amherst’s declining S&P credit rating. “Ultimately, it is you students and you alumni who are going to be picking up the tab for this,” the former Massachusetts state senator said. “And let’s be honest: This isn’t going to be cheap.”
MUCK-RAKE ELECTION CENTER – The Amherst Muck-Rake projects that Barack Obama has won re-election as president of the United States, defeating former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney to retain his office for four more years. The Muck-Rake bases its projection on preliminary vote totals and a variety of state and national exit polls. Obama’s victory marks the re-election of the first African American president and the culmination of a hard-fought, nearly-two-year contest. However, The Muck-Rake also projects that the Republican Party will retain control of the U.S. House of Representatives in the 113th Congress, presumably empowering the president’s opponents in critical year-end negotiations over the pending “fiscal cliff.”
COMMON ROOM, Charles Pratt Dormitory – With less than two weeks to go before the nation plunges over the so-called “fiscal cliff,” freshman politics expert Ryan Lehrman ’16 spent Friday treating his classmates to his informed perspective on the looming deadline. “Democrats and Republicans have to reach a deal,” he warned. “The economy is going to face some real problems if they don’t.” Lehrman noted that both sides want different things out of a fiscal deal, meaning that they must compromise in order to reach a deal. This is different than a situation in which both parties want the same thing, when an agreement is highly likely.
JOHNSON CHAPEL, Amherst College – Michael Steele is currently addressing the Amherst community, half an hour ago. This is breaking live then:
JOHNSON CHAPEL, Amherst College – Amherst Political Union speaker Michael Steele accidentally missed his flight, scraped his rental car, and set his tie on fire en route to his appearance in a series of fitting representations of his existence. Tripping on the final step to the dais of Johnson Chapel and colliding with his podium, the former Republican National Committee chairman also acknowledged choking on an airport muffin, drawing the hotel room next to the ice machine, and accidentally driving south down I-91 to New Haven before despondently turning around. Steele, who was not invited to this year’s Republican National Convention despite having chaired the party less than two years ago, made his remarks during a presentation cut short to thirty minutes due to a room-reservation conflict with the Amherst Outing Club.
In its 192nd year, Amherst College faces a challenge unprecedented in its history. What once served as a religious training ground for the privileged elite now aspires to inform and educate a student body diverse in myriad forms. The college recognizes that the time has come to more forcefully and openly embrace such diversity. As the publication of record for Amherst College since 1908, The Amherst Muck-Rake agrees with that sentiment. For that reason, The Muck-Rake endorses the relocation of the Keefe Campus Center game room to make way for the MRC.