Voter Moved by Impassioned Facebook Event

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AMHERST, Ma. – Through enormous crocodile tears, Lewis P. O’Leary ’16 read to the bottom of Blaine Patrick Werner’s AAS election platform, exclaiming, “There is hope yet!” upon reaching the section about “improving the Val experience.”

“I’ve read a lot of Facebook pages about AAS candidates’ platforms,” explained O’Leary, “but nothing has touched the depths of my soul like Blaine’s comments about how much he wants to make the AAS work for me.”

“The next thing I did was call my mother,” said O’Leary, dry-eyed from an evening of epiphantic sobbing. “I’m going to memorize the whole page. I just feel like I need to make it mine.”

At press time, O’Leary’s Facebook status, “Vote for Blaine Patrick Werner for AAS Senate!!!!”, had garnered four likes.

President Martin Appoints Suzanne Coffey as AAS President

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AMHERST, Ma. – Late last night, President Martin announced that Chief Student Affairs Officer, Title IX Coordinator, and Athletic Director Suzanne Coffey will assume the role of AAS President for the 2014-15 academic year.

“In these troubling times, we need someone with administrative experience and unimpeachable integrity to step in and implement the changes necessary to make the AAS run smoothly,” explained Martin. “Suzanne Coffey has shown herself to be an extremely competent administrator in her roles as CSAO, Title IX coordinator, and Athletic Director, and I am confident that she will do a tremendous job in taking on this additional responsibility. Protest over this appointment can only serve to cause further unrest. Students will have to trust me—this decision is in their own best interests.”

Candidates Reportedly Spend “Way Too Much Time” on Campaigns

Screen shot 2014-04-12 at 6.41.04 PMAMHERST, Ma. – In the latest scandal to upset an E-board election, an anonymous tip to the Judiciary Council (JC) has led senators to believe that all four candidates for AAS President and Vice President have vastly exceeded the amount of time one should really spend on such things.

“We put a time cap on election preparation as a matter of fairness,” said acting JC Chair Joseph Kim ’14, “and also because who gives a shit, right? This is college. There are better things to do: party, socialize, have sex—I mean, have you tried sex? There’s a reason we have these rules in place.”

“Going back to their respective freshman years,” added Liya Rechtman ’14, “we found several candidates had spent far too much time laying the groundwork to secure these ultimately pointless positions, making connections and political moves just to set up their election bids. It’s truly disgusting to anyone with morals or a life.”

The JC report also admonished candidates for caring way too much, and recommended that everyone just chill out a bit, check out Extravaganja, crack open a cool, refreshing Miller Genuine Draft, and kick back for once in their goddamn lives.

Election Watch: Ahmed Fraternizing with “Back Room Undesirables”

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THE BACK ROOM OF VAL, Amherst, Ma. – Amani Ahmed ’15, candidate for AAS President, was reportedly “hanging out” in the back room of Valentine Dining Hall yesterday when varsity athlete Stephen Hardy ’17, a major donor to her campaign, went off on a now-controversial rant that has gone viral after being caught on video tape. The “fucking Melvins” video, as it is now known, has threatened Ahmed’s ability to maintain her voting base and left many wondering whether she will recover before polls close tonight.

Hardy, an Amherst baseball player and alleged Amherst student, railed against “NARPS, nerds, GDIs, Biddy Martin, Barista Tony, Egg McCharlies,” and several other subjects that Front-Roomers, a key demographic for Ahmed, hold dear. “It’s not ‘Terras Irradient,‘ it’s ‘Tear ass and make your lift,'” shouted Hardy at the conclusion of his rant, “Seriously, fuck these fucking Melvins. I hate this place. Hardy, out.” The Muck-Rake regrets that the rest of the tirade is not appropriate for our family friendly audience.

Stephen Yee ’15, spokesman for the Crane campaign, explained why Ahmed’s association with Hardy and undesirables like him is devastating for her campaign: “Amani was back there [in the back room] for four consecutive hours yesterday. Does she go to class? I don’t know. What was she doing back there? I don’t know. I usually just get my drinks and then speed walk out of there. Those people terrify me. But clearly they don’t scare Ms. Ahmed, and that makes me question her loyalty to the real students at this College.”

Ahmed’s connections to “the back room” allegedly extend back at least two years, with accounts of conversations between the candidate and fraternity members, varsity athletes, and other campus undesirables cropping up as early as her first-year orientation. Her persistent presence in “the back room” has led some to question whether Ahmed herself is in an all-male underground  fraternity.

“Concerns about Amani being in a frat are totally unsubstantiated and laughable,” said Jeremiah Wright ’16, an Ahmed for President campaign staffer. “She doesn’t drink. She’s never had a sip of [cool, refreshing Miller Genuine Draft] in her life. And she cares too much about this community to hide anything from it. She was outraged and saddened by Mr. Hardy’s words and has since cut all ties from that particular table.”

Valgate: Biddy Staffer Fired Over Serving Line Closings

Screen shot 2014-01-29 at 6.58.17 PMAMHERST, Ma. – In the wake of the expanding scandal now known as “Valgate,” President Martin has defended her decision to fire staffer James “Jim” Larimore over his alleged involvement in a deliberate effort to create a traffic bottleneck in Val earlier today by closing all lines except the Lighter Side serving station.

An email thread released this afternoon shows Larimore writing to fellow staffer Patricia O’Hara, “Time for a traffic jam in Val.”  O’Hara responded, “Got it.”

O’Hara later wrote to Larimore expressing concern that students were unable to both eat and get to class on time after waiting in lines that stretched to Keefe Campus Center: “I feel bad for the kids.”  Larimore replied, “They are the children of Williams alumni.”

President Martin, although acknowledging this lunch hour’s extreme line lengths, denied knowledge of a deliberate effort to disrupt service in Val.

When questioned about the impact that “Valgate” might have on her reputation as a bully and her possible bid for the college presidency of Harvard, Martin called the reporter an “idiot” and told him to “mind [his] own fucking business and keep [his] nose out of other people’s shit.”

While the controversy has some student leaders up in arms, a few eye-witness reports indicate that today’s unusually long lines may be due to nothing more than a shortage of Egg McCharlies.

Newt Gingrich Excited for Contract with Amherst

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AMHERST, Ma. – Arriving on campus for his upcoming lecture, former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich expressed excitement for his recent contract with Amherst.

“I am thrilled at the opportunity to speak at Amherst College,” Gingrich reported. “Having fulfilled my side of the bargain, I will finally be able to reap the benefits of my contract.”

Gingrich was proud to share a copy of his contract with Amherst with the Muck-Rake. The contract entitles Gingrich to collect  a payment totaling over six figures in exchange for an approximately thirty-six minute lecture. “This contract,” he explained, “will serve as a lasting lesson to this liberal arts college to be fiscally responsible.”

In addition to  the former Speaker’s exorbitant receipts, notable stipulations in Gingrich’s contract with Amherst include six adjoining rooms at the Lord Jeffery Inn, a personal beverage attendant, three bowls of Peanut M&Ms Candies (no blue M&Ms),  and transportation to and from Bradley International Airport in Robert Lucido’s personal limousine.

Gingrich hopes, however, that his trip  will be worth more than just his contract with Amherst: he and his wife Callista will be selling and signing books after the talk.

Obama Draws Red Line on Color War

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – In an emergency press briefing, US President Barack Obama issued a stern warning, declaring that he would not tolerate the use of chemical warfare—including, but not limited to the use of Yellow No. 5, Blue No. 1, or Red No. 40—in GlobeMed’s escalating Color Wars.

“Let me be clear,” Obama instructed the press, “This advertised use of chemicals changes the calculus. The United States, as a world leader, cannot tolerate this kind of warfare on our own soil. We are closely monitoring the situation.”

This press briefing came after Isreali Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu took to the floor of the UN General Assembly to explain the impending threat.
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“We will not—I repeat—will not hesitate to use force to control this situation,” Obama added. “Drones are on standby.”

GlobeMed insists that any use of chemicals is a matter of internal affairs—not a war crime. Spokespeople for the regime also mentioned that “the event will have Sugar Jones cookies, as well as pizza.”