AMHERST, Ma. – At 3:22 PM yesterday a formal complaint was submitted to the Judiciary Council concerning the number of Judiciary Council complaint emails flooding student inboxes. Today, the JC deliberated and found the complaint to be valid.
According to the AAS constitution, “In case of an obscene number of tedious complaints filed against the AAS, an irrelevant institution designed to bolster the egos of its student senators, all students involved in both filing and evaluating such complaints must cease immediately, and must generally stop being such blowhards.”
An open hearing will be held this Saturday and attended by no one.
AMHERST, Ma. – Phillip Qu ’16 was delighted Monday afternoon to discover an email from the Judiciary Council indicating that he had already been an AAS senator for a full year. “This is wonderful news!” exclaimed a visibly elated Qu. “The whole time I’ve been at Amherst—and ever since I was a child, really—I’ve dreamed of becoming an AAS senator. I never would have guessed that my dream had previously been a reality!”
Given this extraordinary news, Qu, respected by his peers for his undying commitment to all things AAS, has reevaluated his current campaign. He says that, even if elected, he will not attend further meetings. “Looking back, I’ve spent a long time as a senator,” explained Qu. “What I need now is to take a little personal time, stay out of the public eye for a bit. At least I can rest easy, knowing I’ve served my class to the best of my ability.”
AMHERST, Ma. – Through enormous crocodile tears, Lewis P. O’Leary ’16 read to the bottom of Blaine Patrick Werner’s AAS election platform, exclaiming, “There is hope yet!” upon reaching the section about “improving the Val experience.”
“I’ve read a lot of Facebook pages about AAS candidates’ platforms,” explained O’Leary, “but nothing has touched the depths of my soul like Blaine’s comments about how much he wants to make the AAS work for me.”
“The next thing I did was call my mother,” said O’Leary, dry-eyed from an evening of epiphantic sobbing. “I’m going to memorize the whole page. I just feel like I need to make it mine.”
At press time, O’Leary’s Facebook status, “Vote for Blaine Patrick Werner for AAS Senate!!!!”, had garnered four likes.
AMHERST, Ma. – Late last night, President Martin announced that Chief Student Affairs Officer, Title IX Coordinator, and Athletic Director Suzanne Coffey will assume the role of AAS President for the 2014-15 academic year.
“In these troubling times, we need someone with administrative experience and unimpeachable integrity to step in and implement the changes necessary to make the AAS run smoothly,” explained Martin. “Suzanne Coffey has shown herself to be an extremely competent administrator in her roles as CSAO, Title IX coordinator, and Athletic Director, and I am confident that she will do a tremendous job in taking on this additional responsibility. Protest over this appointment can only serve to cause further unrest. Students will have to trust me—this decision is in their own best interests.”
AMHERST, Ma. – In the latest scandal to upset an E-board election, an anonymous tip to the Judiciary Council (JC) has led senators to believe that all four candidates for AAS President and Vice President have vastly exceeded the amount of time one should really spend on such things.
“We put a time cap on election preparation as a matter of fairness,” said acting JC Chair Joseph Kim ’14, “and also because who gives a shit, right? This is college. There are better things to do: party, socialize, have sex—I mean, have you tried sex? There’s a reason we have these rules in place.”
“Going back to their respective freshman years,” added Liya Rechtman ’14, “we found several candidates had spent far too much time laying the groundwork to secure these ultimately pointless positions, making connections and political moves just to set up their election bids. It’s truly disgusting to anyone with morals or a life.”
The JC report also admonished candidates for caring way too much, and recommended that everyone just chill out a bit, check out Extravaganja, crack open a cool, refreshing Miller Genuine Draft, and kick back for once in their goddamn lives.
THE BACK ROOM OF VAL, Amherst, Ma. – Amani Ahmed ’15, candidate for AAS President, was reportedly “hanging out” in the back room of Valentine Dining Hall yesterday when varsity athlete Stephen Hardy ’17, a major donor to her campaign, went off on a now-controversial rant that has gone viral after being caught on video tape. The “fucking Melvins” video, as it is now known, has threatened Ahmed’s ability to maintain her voting base and left many wondering whether she will recover before polls close tonight.
Hardy, an Amherst baseball player and alleged Amherst student, railed against “NARPS, nerds, GDIs, Biddy Martin, Barista Tony, Egg McCharlies,” and several other subjects that Front-Roomers, a key demographic for Ahmed, hold dear. “It’s not ‘Terras Irradient,‘ it’s ‘Tear ass and make your lift,'” shouted Hardy at the conclusion of his rant, “Seriously, fuck these fucking Melvins. I hate this place. Hardy, out.” The Muck-Rake regrets that the rest of the tirade is not appropriate for our family friendly audience.
Stephen Yee ’15, spokesman for the Crane campaign, explained why Ahmed’s association with Hardy and undesirables like him is devastating for her campaign: “Amani was back there [in the back room] for four consecutive hours yesterday. Does she go to class? I don’t know. What was she doing back there? I don’t know. I usually just get my drinks and then speed walk out of there. Those people terrify me. But clearly they don’t scare Ms. Ahmed, and that makes me question her loyalty to the real students at this College.”
Ahmed’s connections to “the back room” allegedly extend back at least two years, with accounts of conversations between the candidate and fraternity members, varsity athletes, and other campus undesirables cropping up as early as her first-year orientation. Her persistent presence in “the back room” has led some to question whether Ahmed herself is in an all-male underground fraternity.
“Concerns about Amani being in a frat are totally unsubstantiated and laughable,” said Jeremiah Wright ’16, an Ahmed for President campaign staffer. “She doesn’t drink. She’s never had a sip of [cool, refreshing Miller Genuine Draft] in her life. And she cares too much about this community to hide anything from it. She was outraged and saddened by Mr. Hardy’s words and has since cut all ties from that particular table.”