Lower Profile Sports Spotlighted At Last: Equestrian and Crew Teams Implicated in Sweeping College Admissions Scandal

AMHERST, MA – For Amherst Athletics, equestrian and crew are relatively small-time affairs; they don’t fill stadiums, drive the college’s notoriety, or win championships. That is why they are at the center of what was described as the broadest college admissions fraud the U.S. Justice Department has uncovered. In its investigation, codenamed “Junior Varsity Blues,” the government focused on nine different colleges and universities who held a similar athletic reputation as Amherst, including Salve Regina University, Cal State Dominguez Hills, and ITT Technical Institute. Unlike in football and basketball, there is little widespread knowledge of or general interest in who might be good at what are seen as minor sports, so admissions officials usually have to take coaches at their word when they tell them an applicant is worthy. Continue reading

Crack Team Assembles to Fix the Ice Cream Machine Once and For All


Some things will never be understood. Who built the pyramids? Where do birds come from? Well, fear no more: one of history’s great mysteries is about to be solved. The Val Ice Cream Machine is about to be fixed, once and for all.

The cream of the crop is here to cream this crop and stop that cream from cropping up where we don’t want it. That’s right, the cream team has arrived. Bullshit you say? More like bull’s milk, of the same ilk, as cow’s milk (iced cream). It’s the crème de la crème, here to restart the clock on Big Ben, and by that I mean fix this damn machine.

Soon it’ll be all peaches and cream, or rather, pernil al horno and cream. Get in the queue because it’s time to suckle one by one at the teet of Mother Milk. And oh baby am I gonna milk it for all it’s worth.

I’m out of order? No, you’re out of order, ice cream machine. In fact, I do have an order and it’s “one ice cream please.” Can you make that happen? Didn’t think so.

Still not fixed? How is that possible? Isn’t this a brand new machine? The tease of Madagascar Vanilla is enough to make me cream my jeans, and believe me I would if I could if this machine were in order. But I can’t, so I shan’t. And that’s the Amherst way.

Good luck team. We’ll be rooting for you.

Professor Poe Fined $125 for Dominating Text of Stop Sign

Amherst, MA — Political Science Professor Andrew Poe received a $125 Fine for dominating the text of the stop sign at the intersection of Main Street and Pleasant Street, sources confirm.

“He raced right by,” said Officer Bradley Dennison-VaTontsky. “I had to pull him him over.”

“As I approached the text,” said Poe, “I want to engage with it fully, and not let it dominate me. I think there’s a way in which this led to my misinterpretation.”

To compensate for his error, Poe has agreed to spend the weekend re-reading the text of the sign, to better understand its nuances.

Robert Lucido “Welcomes Debate” with Robert Lucido

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A-LEVEL WASHROOM, Frost Library, Amherst, MA — In part of his ongoing struggle to “make sure all voices are heard,” and “welcome debate from any party,” Robert Lucido ’15 of the Amherst College Republicans spent 45 minutes of today deeply engaged in debate with Robert Lucido ’15 in the men’s washroom on the A-Level of Frost Library.

Lucido first noticed Lucido standing alone in the reflection of the A-level bathroom mirror and felt as though he represented a voice that needed to be heard.

“There is not greater minority on campus than Robert Lucido,” Lucido was overheard explaining to Lucido.

“I agree,” retorted Lucido to himself. “And I, Robert Lucido, welcome debate with Robert Lucido on the issues that Robert Lucido most cares about. The fundamental importance of this, I think we can all recognize.”

Robert Lucido was reportedly very pleased with the progress he had made, and in fact called Robert Lucido “perhaps the greatest thinker of our time” and remarked that “we really see eye to eye. It was great to have a talk where half the people didn’t walk out on Robert Lucido, for once.”

Robert Lucido, on the other hand, was unavailable for comment, though sources believe he is penning an editorial response for the Amherst Student.

Students were surprised to hear about the debate—Lucido alleges advertisements for the event were torn down—though some stumbled in during the course of the 45-minute back-and-forth.

“I really thought he was just one of those homeless people, like, talking to himself,” remarked Howard Cord ’16. “But, no, as far I could tell, he’s not homeless.”

“The weirdest part, though, was that Lucido kept on trying to simultaneously distance himself and defend the more controversial actions of Lucido,” Cord continued. “Particularly when Lucido used underhanded tactics to try to silence the voice of Lucido. Why defend that?”

At press time, Robert Lucido was reportedly working hard to secure funding to invite Robert Lucido to speak again for the campus.

“I think all voices should be heard,” he wrote in a preliminary request to the AAS Budgetary Committee. “Particularly Robert Lucido’s.”

AAS Student Body President Candidate Statements

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Oluwatomi (Tomi) Williams ’16

Before I decided to run for President of the AAS, I had to take some time to consider a question that has weighed on me ever since I lost an election for President of the AAS four months ago. The question was simple: for all its talk of building a diverse community that is accepting of students of all colors, creeds, backgrounds, and interests, is this College actually ready for a Mock Trial president?

Now, I know what a lot of you may be thinking: “It’s 2014, Tomi. Of course this student body is ready for a President who is a member of the Mock Trial team.” But you’d be surprised. Recently, I’ve been asked questions like, “What is the Mock Trial team like?” and, “Are you guys an exclusive group?” and, “We have a Mock Trial team?” To all of those questions I say, “I’m not sure.” I’ve only been at this school for two years. But I do know what is possible if Mock Trial members and non-Mock Trial members put aside their differences and work toward common goals.

Some have expressed concern that, as President, I will have a “divided loyalty” between the Mock Trial team and the College as a whole. I object! I am a member of the Amherst College community first, and a proud member of the Mock Trial team second. I believe in an Amherst where the separation of the Mock Trial team and everything else is absolute, where no member of the Mock Trial team would tell the student body president (should he also be a member of the Mock Trial team) how to lead, and where no student group is granted political preference for any reason.

Ladies and gentlemen of the student body, whatever issue may come before me as president, I will make my decision in accordance with these views, in accordance with what my conscience tells me to be in the student body’s interest, and without regard to outside Mock Trial pressures or dictates.

I rest my case. Thank you, and please remember to vote.

Peter Crane ’15

So a lot of people have come to me saying “Hey Peter, you had a great campaign last year, unfortunately fell short of winning a popular election by your peers, and ended up in a nasty parliamentary debate over the validity of an election based on the argument that posters that weren’t hung up influenced the outcome. Many people were upset that the popular vote was invalidated by a minority of vocal senators and judiciary council members, which—however successful—tainted the election process in general and destroyed any remaining good faith the student body had in the AAS as a functional representation of their interests. In turn, the debate became so virulent that the temporary president Amani Ahmed ’15 decided not to run again, as both her and your names became forever attached to the nastiness in the Spring—her as acting president and you as a senator inextricably involved in the closely contested deliberations to invalidate her election. So why are you deciding to run again?”

To that I would say, firstly, those are really, really, extremely, valid concerns. And secondly, that it just feels right to run again.

Listen, I’ve been in some position of power since I first ran for senate four weeks into freshman year. As moderator of the Class of 2016, 2017, and 2018 Facebook groups, I’ve been the gate-keeper to nearly everyone’s campus experience. Doesn’t it just feel wrong to not leverage that groundwork in some way or another? And what about Spring Concert? All that work getting Macklemore for me not to become AAS president?

Now, once again, some people might say that I was pulling the strings behind the efforts to dismantle the Ahmed presidency. Now that feels wrong to say. After all, I’m not some kind of Frank Underwood type. This isn’t House of Cards. I’m not going to push my opposition in front of a subway train. That’s ludicrous. Amherst doesn’t have a subway.

And hey, hopefully things work out right. I hope that this election proves that I have the support of the student body, once and for all. If not, the third time’s the charm.

Thank you. And let’s get back to work.

Anarchy Reigns as Presidential Crisis Continues


AMHERST, Ma. — Students across campus were surprised today when reminded that the AAS still lacked a president. The presidential crisis and uncertainty has been in effect since the newly-elected Judiciary Committee over-turned the decision of their predecessors, thus nullifying the election of Amani Ahmed ’15.

“I’ve actually been pretty content with the way we’ve been settling funding and policy disputes thus far,” said one student. “And by that I mean, of course, in the Thunderdome.”

The Thunderdome, an expansive metallic sphere built from the wreckage of the Plaza and Waldorf dormitories, has been the primary method through which students have sought to settle debates with their peers and even administration.

“I didn’t believe it would really work until Hans Caldwell ’16 challenged [former Director of Student Activities] Dean Fatemi,” the student added. “May she rest in peace.”

For the Class of 2018, the Thunderdome remains the primary way in which to address grievances in the lack of an effective AAS and presidency. The main appeal for student participants is the permanence of all Thunderdome decisions, embodied in its single-phrase constitution: “Two may enter, one may leave.”

Several more high-profile disputes are set to take place in “The ‘Dome,” including a showdown between “Frat Champion” Les Bainbridge ’15 and a representative of the Board of Trustees. As well, students anticipate a resolution to the long-fought battle between La Causa, the student organization dedicated to raising awareness of Latino issues, and La Casa, the Latino cultural house.

“There can only be one,” grunted former AAS Vice President and La Casa champion Juan Gabriel Delgado Montes ’16 while sharpening what looked to be a spear. “Two may enter, one may leave.”

Judiciary Council Complaint: “Too Many Judiciary Council Complaints”

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AMHERST, Ma. – At 3:22 PM yesterday a formal complaint  was submitted to the Judiciary Council concerning the number of Judiciary Council complaint emails flooding student inboxes. Today, the JC deliberated and found the complaint to be valid.

According to the AAS constitution, “In case of an obscene number of tedious complaints filed against the AAS, an irrelevant institution designed to bolster the egos of its student senators, all students involved in both filing and evaluating such complaints must cease immediately, and must generally stop being such blowhards.”

An open hearing will be held this Saturday and attended by no one.

Phillip Qu: “I Was Already a Senator?!”

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AMHERST, Ma. – Phillip Qu ’16 was delighted Monday afternoon to discover an email from the Judiciary Council indicating that he had already been an AAS senator for a full year. “This is wonderful news!” exclaimed a visibly elated Qu. “The whole time I’ve been at Amherst—and ever since I was a child, really—I’ve dreamed of becoming an AAS senator. I never would have guessed that my dream had previously been a reality!”

Given this extraordinary news, Qu, respected by his peers for his undying commitment to all things AAS, has reevaluated his current campaign. He says that, even if elected, he will not attend further meetings. “Looking back, I’ve spent a long time as a senator,” explained Qu. “What I need now is to take a little personal time, stay out of the public eye for a bit. At least I can rest easy, knowing I’ve served my class to the best of my ability.”