Crack Team Assembles to Fix the Ice Cream Machine Once and For All


Some things will never be understood. Who built the pyramids? Where do birds come from? Well, fear no more: one of history’s great mysteries is about to be solved. The Val Ice Cream Machine is about to be fixed, once and for all.

The cream of the crop is here to cream this crop and stop that cream from cropping up where we don’t want it. That’s right, the cream team has arrived. Bullshit you say? More like bull’s milk, of the same ilk, as cow’s milk (iced cream). It’s the crème de la crème, here to restart the clock on Big Ben, and by that I mean fix this damn machine.

Soon it’ll be all peaches and cream, or rather, pernil al horno and cream. Get in the queue because it’s time to suckle one by one at the teet of Mother Milk. And oh baby am I gonna milk it for all it’s worth.

I’m out of order? No, you’re out of order, ice cream machine. In fact, I do have an order and it’s “one ice cream please.” Can you make that happen? Didn’t think so.

Still not fixed? How is that possible? Isn’t this a brand new machine? The tease of Madagascar Vanilla is enough to make me cream my jeans, and believe me I would if I could if this machine were in order. But I can’t, so I shan’t. And that’s the Amherst way.

Good luck team. We’ll be rooting for you.

Keefe Condom Dispensers Empty After “Wild” Casino Night Orgy

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AMHERST, Ma. – The condom dispensers in Keefe Campus Center’s second floor men’s and women’s restrooms, believed to have been untouched since the building’s 1987 opening, were found to be empty this morning following the Campus Activities Board’s “Vegas Casino Night” on Friday evening.

The event, which included table games, raffle prizes, a photo booth, and a 21+ room for students of legal drinking age, devolved into what one anonymous attendee described as “some real Caligula shit” around 11 PM, when the 21+ room “opened up” for the rest of the attendees. In accordance with the Board’s thematic “what happens in Keefe STAYS in Keefe…” policy, most security camera footage from Friday night was promptly destroyed, but leaked footage shows the graphic nature of the proceedings, which spilled out of the Friedmann Room into all corners of the campus center.

It seems unlikely that the dispensers will be refilled. According to Director of Facilities James Brassord, the last known owner of the key to the dispensers died in 1995, meaning they are, in Brassord’s words, “just for show now.” Asked if he thought the depletion of Keefe’s condoms might cause a campus-wide prophylactic shortage, Brassord declined comment.

The game room, WAMH studio, Women’s and Gender Center, and Schwemm’s grill are all closed indefinitely for sanitizing.