Seven Steps to Acing Those Last Few Finals

STRESS

We’ve all been there: Finals are underway and now you’ve got to figure out how to prepare for finals.  Fear not, because the Muck-Rake has you covered. Here are seven easy tips for acing those terminal assessments!

1. Get Midnight Breakfast at Val

Studies show a full stomach makes for a full examination. Swing by Val for a few hours before you get cracking; the soothing aroma of three-day-old chicken soaking in dish soap will provide invigorating brain-fuel for your studies!

2. Slip into one of Keefe’s massage chairs

Let the sweat-encrusted leather of the Friedman Room massage chairs envelop your limp flesh prison in a night of rest and relaxation! The Office of Student Life has shipped three bonafide Lazy Boy PowerReclineXR’s to the Friedman room, and those greasy boys are fired up and ready to go. Work the knots out of your deteriorating back before your big test, you won’t regret it.

3. Take up Jogging

Everyone knows finals week is the best time to pick up jogging. You might think you’re too busy, but that’s just you tricking yourself into not jogging, like you always do. Jogging is a great way to relax and take your mind off work, especially because there are still two hours left in the day to go over your three review sheets!

4. Attend the Chipotle Burrito Drop at the Powerhouse

Watch as thousands of burritos darken the sky from the safety and comfort of the Powerhouse! Literally the only structure capable of withstanding this terrible display of power, the Powerhouse is the perfect place to watch in horror as two thousand dollars of Chipotle burrito fixings are dropped from a height of 4,000 feet.

5. Clean your dorm

Whether you live with a roomie or not, your dorm is probably a filthy, pestilent sty. Recent studies have proven that you’re a dirty, filthy, nasty bit of Jenkins shower scum, and taking the time to clean your workspace is the fifth step to becoming that baby genius you’ve always been told you are.

6. Don’t Panic

Things may seem bleak, but we promise, everyone’s been there. The sense of crushing defeat, like everything is falling and time is slipping through your fingers? That’s ok. What’s important is taking good care of your mental health. Take deep breaths, and research yoga classes to try out next semester. After you register for a couple, boil a cup of tea for yourself and check your socials. Remember: everyone earns a break now and again. Oh jesus, the sun’s really set. Oh god, oh man. That’s not good. We haven’t even begun giving you our study related tips!

7. Contact an Extraplanar Entity Capable of Taking Your Finals For You

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Look, we know this is exactly how things went last semester. We’re sorry. Maybe you should have started studying sooner, but don’t worry! Klargon, your new class dean has you covered.

All you need to ace your exams this time around is to bind an eldritch being to your service and let them dominate your physical form. Lucky for you, this Tuesday, from 1-3pm, Klargon and Paul Gallegos will be handing them out for free in the Keefe atrium. These ghastly creatures use their access to higher dimensions of reality to acquire all the information necessary to slam dunk your finals for you! Sponsored by the Office of Student Life!

We hoped you enjoyed our seven easy steps for acing your finals. Be sure to take a nice bath after Ammutseba, Devourer of Stars, has been inside you – you earned it!

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Keefe Masseuse Not Trained to Relieve this Much Tension

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Amherst, MA – As part of their pre-finals programming, the Office of Student Activities is hosting a team of massage therapists wholly unequipped to alleviate the months of crippling stress your body has experienced.

“This will be a great way to help students relax [though there’s no real possibility that a massage will undo the physical tolls of a semester’s worth of panic],” stated one administrative representative.

“I’m just happy I can help,” said one masseuse in Keefe who after feeling your back for one second laughed, “Oh god, I would actually need a power drill to get rid of some of these knots.”

Following tonight, this week’s de-stressing activities will include calling your mom while in fetal position and pouring water on an A-level computer out of frustration.

Meet Klargon, Your New Class Dean.

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AMHERST, MA — In an exciting change of pace for her administration, President Carolyn “Biddy” Martin has announced the appointment of a new dean, following an extensive hiring search into the planets of the TRAPPIST-1 solar system and Omega Centauri star cluster. The New York-based consulting firm hired by the administration to make its decisions confirmed that this area of deep space contains biochemical environments conducive to life forms with experience in the residential college model.

“Our previous administrators have lacked sufficient prior exposure to the liberal arts, and many have felt alien to the student body,” lamented President Martin. “That’s why we picked Klargon, Harbinger of Dark Matter and Destroyer of the Seven Suns, to serve as our next freshman class dean.”

“My door is always open!” said Klargon, who plans to hold weekly office hours. “In this dimension, that is,” he added with a wink.

Klargon, as President Martin highlighted in her campus-wide email, has extensive academic and administrative experience. He has worked on numerous curricular revisions, overseen far-reaching academic programs, and, famously, spearheaded the unionization of the Neutrino mines in Galaxy Sector-B. Klargon also knows what all students are doing at all times because for him, time functions backwards and in a flat disk. It is advised that you not email him asking for extensions, because he literally will not understand!

Administrators report that Klargon has already started to engage with the student body in a way that feels very productive. “Tusks up!” said Klargon, raising his all twelve of his hands to his third face.

On Klargon’s arrival to campus, Dean Gendron remarked, “The guy is magnetic. Really, my computer exploded the moment he walked into Converse. As soon as I saw gravity reverse itself in his presence and all my documents fling themselves onto the ceiling, I thought, ‘this guy knows what he’s doing.’”

Last month, Klargon, who actually bleeds purple, was present at President Martin’s speech to a group of accepted students. Students reported Klargon’s incredible warmth at the reception, measuring 900 Kelvin and incinerating one of Val’s fruit and cookie platters.

“Terras Irradient!” President Martin told the students. “May you light up the world.”

“All of them,” added Klargon.

As students filed out, Klargon was heard muttering “Good luck lighting up Kepler-69c. There’s a black hole two light-years away. Not even David Foster Wlargon could shine a candle on that place.”

“Stop Babysitting Amherst Students; We’re Responsible Adults,” says Bully Who Plastered Val with Stolen Suzanne Coffey Photoshop

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Clayton Bryant ’18, a former baseball player suspended for forcing a recruit to use his dong as a bat during batting practice, has taken credit for posting pictures of Suzanne Coffey as the Grinch all over Val.

“I’m so tired of this patronizing administration. Amherst students are responsible adults who don’t need to be chaperoned every weekend,” Bryant slurred through a haze of Juul smoke. “I mean, I drink 25 beers a night, introduce myself to women by grabbing their ass, and know how to reallocate my extremely limited cocaine budget to protest an administrator who I don’t like. Could a child have done that? NO! As a kid I could only drink 6, 7 beers, max. I am clearly an adult, and given that my step-father pays full tuition, I deserve to be treated like one.”

“There’s just no reason to hold our hand all the time,” Bryant continued. “The administration should only treat me like a helpless child when it comes to getting me a job at Goldman, dramatically inflating my grades, and cutting me slack in any of my several disciplinary hearings.”

EDITOR’S NOTE: The Muck-Rake would like to acknowledge that we were, in fact, responsible for creating the high-quality and hilarious Coffey ‘Shop. However, we would like to stress that its placement across Val was not our doing. First of all, we can not afford color printing. Second, under no circumstances do we ever leave our musty hovels to go outside. We affirm that criticism of school administrators should only come from Dr. Seuss parodies on collegiate humor websites, not Mean Girls-esque bullying.

How Suzanne Coffey Stole Christmas

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Gather ‘round children, for it’s time you all hear,
How one frightful dame stole our holiday cheer.

‘Twas the one time of year to forget all our woes,
To toast life before essays for Franks and for Poes.

There we stood laughing, a pure joyful sight,
Drinking responsibly to start our safe night.

Meanwhile in an office, not too far away,
Coffey worked out her plan to ruin our day.

To Hitchcock she drove with a smile most unpleasant,
Scheming ill schemes ‘gainst the joy of the present.

Coming closer with cronies who came right behind,
Coffey crept up the stairs with this one goal in mind:

“I must crush the fun, oh how it’s awful!
I don’t even care if their glee is lawful!”

She walked through the dorm, tearing down paper and light–
Yes, Coffey took pleasure in her one form of might!

She then plotted to upset the most innocent of souls,
For unjust targeting is one of her main goals.

There she appeared, eyes looking crazed-
We were all speechless; we were truly amazed.

We then uttered, “Isn’t it late? Shouldn’t you be resting?”
To which she cried, “Be quiet, there’s no use protesting!”

Everyone remained still; this was really weird.
Coffey stood her ground too, hoping she was feared.

At last we asked, “Can you please give us but one safe space?”
She replied, “I swear to you all, this is not about race!”

And so we laughed, “You’d rather us join the Jenkins crowd?”
To which she squealed, “Just leave now! This isn’t allowed!”

And so we left glum, though not quite surprised.
This is Amherst, for God’s sake, not one thing goes unsupervised.

But more than anything we pity poor Suzanne-
Did she think she was useful, executing this plan?

Coffey, please know, that no matter what you say or think,
Students will continue to dance, sometimes to drink.

If anything your intrusion made us a little bit mad-
I mean, come on, our social life is already pretty bad!

And so children I urge you to please remain wary,
For Suzanne might appear anytime you feel merry.

Yes, at the end of the night, Coffey’s heart remained small-
And that, my friends, is the most tragic Christmas story of all.

 

 

New Cryptocurrency Emerges: Stolen Coats

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AMHERST, MA – Last night so many coats were stolen from Jenkins that the stolen coat has become its own cryptocurrency. Stolen Jenkins Coats (SJC) is open-source, its design is public, and everyone can take part. Mining coats is easy. Simply show your Amherst ID to the strange bouncers nobody hired, enter the building, and then have at it. Economists project coats stolen from Jenkins last night will become more valuable than bitcoin by 2018, especially the ones that had wallets in the side pockets! Yahtzee! Get started with SJC today. There are no consequences.