CULTURE SHOCK: Senior Desperately Trying to Kick Grab n’ Go Yoghurt Addiction Before Graduation

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AMHERST, MA – With only two days left of Grab n’ Go service, many seniors are dreading the withdrawal that will come when their supply gets cut off of yoghurt from SideHill Farm.

“I have a two-a-day habit,” said Timothy Carroll ’18. “Let’s just say it’s a situation.”

In a heart-wrenching interview, Muck-Rake staffers asked Carroll to recount his life story, and how he ended up in such a deep, dark pit. “I used to look down on Grab n’ Go. Only a loser would eat on the run! Be social! Go to Val, the social hub of campus! But then one day I was too afraid to go to Val and not have anyone to sit with, so I thought I would go see what everyone was raving about. That’s where I saw them, The SideHills, glistening under the refrigerator lights. So I took one. Of course, I didn’t realize at the time that the stuff is literal maple meth.”  

“And now, here I am,” he added, as he tore the lid off a SideHill and inhaled it without a spoon.  

We asked Chris from Grab n’ Go if he knew about Carroll’s condition. Chris said candidly, “I just want him to have a groovy day, every day. And if a sandwich and three yoghurts is what it’s gonna take, I’m swiping it.”

“Chris helps me out,” said Carroll. “But he doesn’t even know that I fill my backpack when no one’s looking with 12 extra yoghurts every day.”

Sadly it seems Timothy Carroll isn’t the only one to have fallen prey to the nightmarishly thin yoghurt of SideHill Farm. The epidemic has spread to Amherst’s youth.

“You can drink it like milk!” said Elisabeth Pender ‘21. “At first I was a little nervous that the yoghurt was made from whole milk. Now I’m nervous that I am made from whole milk. I haven’t had anything to eat except yoghurt since the start of the semester.”

In a statement released yesterday, President Martin offered the following:

“The Yoghurt Epidemic is at the forefront of my agenda. The Counseling Center will remain open this weekend to help students cope with the closing of Grab n’ Go. Please know that you are not alone, and please know that those yoghurts are in fact so goddamn good.”

Biddy’s promise that “you are not alone” proved ominous. Hours after her statement, Muck-Rake reporters spotted President Martin shotgunning a SideHill in Converse lobby.

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Sign Outside Val Confirms: There is a Concert Tonight

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AMHERST, MA – Live music lovers rejoice! There is a concert tonight, now and forever. All you need to know are the Five W’s: what when what when and when. What? A concert. When? Tonight.

As physics professor Jonathan Friedman excitedly explained, because of Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle we may know if a concert is happening, and the time of said concert, but never both at once. “This is what makes The Concert Tonight so unusual,” said Professor Friedman. “I’ll be there.”

The Concert Tonight, strategically advertised just outside the dining hall, has been a useful talking point for tour guides broaching the subject of the social scene at Amherst. “Amherst students do still like to party,” said head tour guide Albert Plackard ’18 with a wink as he led his tour group past Valentine. “As you can see, there’s a concert tonight.” Asked by a prospective student who would be performing, Plackard responded, “it’s tonight.”

Dean of Concerts Tonight Hannah Fatemi eagerly handed out Mardi Gras beads and Concert Tonight-themed sunglasses in advance of the much-anticipated and much- tonight concert. “Concerts can heal the social divides that plague this campus,” she remarked, “especially the one tonight.”

Others are less enthused. “It’s not for me,” lamented a wistful Bill Pritchard. “I remember when the concert was still yesterday.”

Theatre Kid Apparently Going to Talk This Loudly for the Rest of Class

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AMHERST, MA – Self-described “Theatre Kid” Huey Toastini (née Toastenschmitz—his agent suggested he change it) has been “discussing last night’s reading” at full blast since the professor made the fatal error of calling on him. Hardly had the students settled into their chairs before Toastini, chipper as a baby squirrel with facial hair, opened his big mouth and started jabbering away. “It was mesmerizing,” Melissa Harkness ’20 told us after the 8:30am lecture had come to a close. “It was like a jet taking off. I think I have tinnitus.”

Truly, Toastini has the gift of gab. Ever since playing Algernon in an adapted version of Wilde’s The Importance of Being Earnest in the seventh grade, Toastini has had a passion for the theatre. From that moment forward, his normal indoor speaking voice has rested consistently at or above 100 decibels, sometimes rising to a truly ear-shattering 130. During this particular lecture, it became apparent within the first five minutes that Toastini’s volume was not going to decrease, despite the obvious protestations of his professor and the very foundation of the building itself.

Toastini welcomed an interview, but unfortunately the recording device we usually use was unable to pick up any distinct words.

Pop Star Offers Inspirational Words to Friends Back Home

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AMHERST, MA – During her most recent performance, Chelsea Cutler had the opportunity to speak to the crowd of her former classmates. In this moment, Chelsea did something incredible. She told a satirical newspaper at a small liberal arts college to go fuck itself. “She had the floor to talk about truly anything,” says Natasha Mendez ‘19. “My friends and I stood in anticipation of a Cardi B-esque call out, you know, something like: ‘Amherst College is the littest.’ But in an act of sheer bravery she paused for a brief moment towards the beginning of her set, took a swig from her Poland Spring, and was daring enough to call out the Muck-Rake, Biddy, and something about her leg.”

Cutler’s escape from Amherst into semi-superstardom has provided a source of inspiration and hope for a student body trapped in a grey fantasy world. Others, however, remain unfazed. “We’re just happy to be here,” said The Main Squeeze.

CAB Drops Last Minute Spring Concert Bomb

As you may have heard, this spring concert Amherst will be celebrating the return of some of its former members: join us in welcoming back college dropouts Chelsea Cutler and Corry Colonna (having just released his newest album, “Unplugged, Unemployed, and Unashamed”). You may be wondering why he’s playing an electric guitar on his album ‘Unplugged.’ Unplugged doesn’t mean he can’t plug in, it just means no WATTS.

And it’s not only the dynamic duo Corry and Chelsea that are stopping in for the concert! Other names we already know and love are also returning, like Those Students Returning from Abroad (aka the Chainsmokers), the Dan Brown Band, and the iconic trio of Stone, Crossett, and Pond (aka The Weeknd). Unfortunately, we were unable to book Logic, and thus will be featuring Suzanne Coffey (aka Absence of Logic). Representatives from the Campus Activities Board have said “We are so so sorry, we didn’t think we would get this desperate. Again, sorry”

A Little Unsettling: Val’s Only Entrée for the Past 3 Days Has Just Been “Birds”

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Well this is a little concerning. Reports from Valentine Dining Hall say that the salad bar and the sandwich fixings have vanished. The soup stations are open but they’re just scalding hot water with a bunch of little papers cut from hundreds of books and magazines with the word “vase” on them. “The pasta stations had a greater variety of pasta than I had ever seen, and it was practically overflowing with the stuff. But there were a bunch of two by fours nailed to it and a really nice little sign that said ‘not eat’ so I figured I should steer clear” said Drat Bortles ‘20.

But thankfully there’s a steaming hot unplucked bird sitting up on the counter of the “traditional” line. Better grab it quick though! There’s nothing else cooking and not a soul in sight, so it must be the tail end of the dinner rush! “Honestly, I just think they’re trying a little too hard to compete with all the new Grab n’ Go updates. I mean, have you seen the sushi bar on Thursdays? It’s world class!” said Jack O’Harrid ‘18, who wished to remain anonymous. Wow. First those quick new swipe machines and now a stylish new décor update complete with fancy birds for dinner! What extremely disconcerting updates will Val attempt next?!