Football Team Thrilled To Qualify For Massachusetts High School Playoff

15743348205_b2c790a209_z

PRATT FIELD – Following a resounding 17-9 win against archrival Williams, the Amherst men’s football team solidified a spot in the 2014 MIAA Division 1 Football Playoff, where they will face the top high school programs in the state.

“It’s a thrill,” said senior linebacker Brock Matthews ’15. “We’ve worked hard all season and are really excited for the opportunity to perform on a bigger stage.”

The road to the Massachusetts high school football state championship will be an uphill battle. The Lord Jeffs, coming from the weak NESCAC conference, will likely face powerhouse Xaverian Brothers High School in the first round.

Xaverian is led by heartthrob quarterback and odds-on Homecoming King Jack Anderson, who recently committed to play at Tulane next fall.

“Yeah, it’ll be tough,” said Matthews. “But, you know, I actually played against them once in back high school. Didn’t see much playing time, like not a single minute, even on special teams, but I definitely remember watching a play or two from the sidelines. So that should help us gameplan.”

Advertisements

Report: Sophomore Has Two Midterms on the Same Day

snapchat-540x810

In what she has been calling her “most stressful week ever,” Samantha Young ’17 revealed to sources that she has two midterms on the same day.

She told her friends, family, acquaintances, Facebook, Twitter, Snapchat, and the Muck-Rake that she is probably going to have to pull, like, two all-nighters in a row to study for both her Biology and Calculus midterms.

“I’m not even sure if I want to be a doctor anymore, if I’m going to have to sacrifice my health,” she told friends during a short break from like three hours of studying, “I bet people at other schools never have to deal with this.”

“At first I didn’t think that it was all that serious,” said local acquaintance Alison Carruthers. “But then I saw her Snapchat,” she told us, referring to a Snapchat story Ms. Young sent out at approximately 11:30 PM on Thursday, showing her visibly exhausted face with the caption “dead” underneath, followed by a picture of what appear to be class notes with the caption “#turnt.”

“She drew three tears on her face in that Snapchat,” Carruthers noted. “She’s really suffering.”

Young’s unfortunate error of having two things to do has majorly gotten in the way with her scheduling, sources say.

Young had to turn down invitations to dinner, coffee, and several Amherst events so that she could study for the upcoming same-day exams, even though she would allegedly get way behind on her readings for her other classes.

“Like 300 pages of it,” the future General Studies major told our sources.

“I’m probably the most stressed out person at Amherst College. I slept like five hours in the past two days,” she said for the benefit of the people that didn’t hear it before, “Five hours,” she added.

The Muck-Rake has yet to confirm reports that Young was seen at the Powerhouse on Saturday.

Senior Really Leaning on Sunday’s Extra Hour

AR-304109971 (1)

POND DORMITORY, Amherst, MA — Despite a weekend of planning out and partying for Halloween, senior Adam Arnaudo ’15 is putting all his eggs in the “extra hour” basket today.

“I think it’s gonna really pay off for me, this extra hour. Yea, I have a lot to do, but those sixty minutes were a real game-changer. Gonna get a lot done after I finish this season of the CW’s Vampire Diaries,” he explained to press, blissfully unaware of how much of an idiot he was being.

“I don’t even like the show! I just have soooo muuuuchhh tiiimmmmmee to kill,” the bone-headed fourth year Environmental Studies major added while kicking back his arms and legs.

Take It From an 18th-century British Military Officer: There’s Nothing Offensive About Amherst College’s Mascot

James_Murray_from_NPG
An opinion by Sir James Murray, a British commander during the French and Indian War and the first civil governor of the Province of Quebec.

These days, you can’t go two minutes without hearing somebody complain about how offensive the Amherst College mascot is. It’s always “Lord Jeff is an insensitive name for a college mascot!” this and “Change the mascot now!” that. Well, I’d like to try and put a stop to that. As an 18th-century British military officer, I want to go on record as saying that the “Lord Jeff” mascot is not offensive to my people and I at all. In fact, we consider the name an honor.

Now, I’m as colonialist as they come—my parents were both full-blooded 18th-century British colonialists, just as their parents were, and just as my children will be. So when I say that the Lord Jeff mascot doesn’t offend me, know that my opinion carries a little more weight than that of some bleeding heart liberal whackjob who thinks he knows what’s best for my people and me. I’m supposed to be offended that my people’s rich history as brutal agents of genocide has been caricatured and paraded around as a college mascot? Well, I’m not. I think it’s great, actually.

Look, I understand that sensationalism sells newspapers these days. But when are we going to take a step back and say “enough already”? You’ve already given us the honor of having a mascot named after one of us for this long, and now you want to take it away? That’s called “Indian Giving,” and I’ve killed men for far, far less.

Every time someone yells “Let’s go Jeffs!” at a sporting event, or wears an article of clothing that says “Amherst College” on it, the legacy of my people is being preserved. I don’t know about you, but I think that’s really awesome. Every day, I’m astounded to remember that an elite and respectable institution like Amherst College is doing its part to keep the memory of little old Jeffrey Amherst alive and well.

Sure, turning Lord Jeffrey Amherst into a cartoon isn’t exactly the most respectful way to preserve his legacy, but so what? You can’t exploit your savage and exterminate it too. Do you think anybody remembers who I am? Of course they don’t. But if Bowdoin’s mascot were Sir James, you can bet I would be remembered just as fondly as Lord Jeffrey is.

Besides, “Lord Jeffrey Amherst” doesn’t even mean what it used to mean. What used to be an offensive shorthand for “biological terrorist” is now nothing more than a college mascot name. It’s not like people walk around hurling around the term “Lord Jeff” like they do “the n-word” or “Redskin.”

Call me old-fashioned, but I just think we need to slow down on the political correctness a bit. It’s time we put aside our ideological differences for a little while and reflect on what brought us all together in the first place: mutual interest in the total extermination of the native Indian race, by any means necessary.