“I sure do like drinking copious amounts of alcohol at those socials and smoking that dank kush with my peers. Val sustenance is terrible and I’m very much upset at the fact temperatures are beginning to lower,” said John Smith ’17 before licking his own eyeballs and melting a passing squirrel with his saliva.
AMHERST, MA — Richard Maroney ’18 has a cold.
We’re having coffee at Schwemm’s and the first-year senator, heralded by many as the “campus savior” and “super senator,” can’t stop blowing his nose. He’s drinking Earl of Bengal Tea and repeatedly apologizing as he pulls out kleenex after kleenex.
Around us, Grab-n-Go buzzes and a girl in a walking boot tells her friend she’s never ordering wings again. Out a window, foliage appears to have hit its peak. Between sniffles, Moroney tells me that “fall break wasn’t as relaxing as I’d have liked. I had a lot of work to do.”
If you know Maroney, this doesn’t come as much of a surprise. Two weeks into his term as first-year senator, Maroney has drastically improved campus culture behind an assortment of radical initiatives truly unlike anything the campus has ever seen.
The shortlist? Two-ply toilet paper in every bathroom on campus. More transparency in the AAS. Revamped party policy. Athlete/non-athlete divide bridged. Amherst Awkward a thing of the past. Valentine menu revamped with exclusively local, free range food. Not to mention all-new hours. I could go on.
From afar, Maroney’s just another tenderfoot first-year that unironically wears A.J. Hasting’s T-shirts and might, as you wait behind him in line at Val, make you think, where did all those years go?
But Magical Maroney is more than a starry-eyed first-year on the right side of the Freshman-15. His initiatives are making immediate impacts and, as he puts it after taking a lengthy swig of tea,”I’m just getting started.”
“You know, I’ve really just been trying to think outside the box,” he explains after I ask him where his unthinkable ideas like better Val hours come from. “Steve Jobs is a real hero of mine.”
Veteran senators from both sides of the Red Room have spoken out in support of the Maroney’s success.
“Two-ply toilet paper? I mean, that’s just unheard of,” said Janet Jacobson ’15. “Who know’s what he’s going to do next. I’m honestly just as excited as everyone else!”
Maroney’s success has, perhaps unsurprisingly, already led to rumors swirling about a potential presidential bid this spring. When I ask him about this, Maroney takes a long gaze out the window before finishing his tea.
“Wow,” he says. “It’s really just an honor to hear my name in the same breath as AAS President. But right now I’m just focused on getting things done for the students of Amherst College.”
Before I know it, Maroney’s telling me he’s got to run to a meeting with Dean Vazquez and Professor Temeles to discuss how to improve campus sustainability. I shake my head, impressed with how nonchalantly he’s just dropped this truth bomb.
As he leaves, he gives me a firm handshake and tells me, “thanks for the tea.”
No, I say. Thank you, Senator Maroney. Thank you.
Consider a very bad day. There is a paper due tomorrow. A few hundred pages of reading ahead of you tonight. A problem set has been assigned, but the solutions seem
out of reach of any mind that isn’t communicating directly with a calculator. You will do it all, but to what end? Even more, is this condition not a preview, a taste, a harbinger of suffering to come for all your life?
If someone afflicted by these gnawing questions was standing on the edge of a tall building and I could have only one attempt at giving him something worth living for, I would give him Grab-N-Go’s Bacon Avocado Sandwich. The pain of the human condition is nothing compared to the joy of the sweet and savory flavor of this magnificent food, available every other Monday. Who can willingly move on into the next life when they know that they may only be assured of Bacon Avocado in this one?
I know what you’re thinking. “What do I do from Tuesday until Sunday, when the manifestations of God’s presence on earth are gone, and my lamentations echo from the mountaintops?” The answer: Memory and anticipation. Memory of the utter orgiastic combinations of flavor, intermingled with pleasure of this meaty, creamy manna, and burning anticipation of the following Monday, when the experience repeats, giving life meaning once more, providing psychic fuel for the week to come. Live, if only for another Bacon Avocado Sandwich. I know my purpose in life. Do you?
Bacon avocado, how great thou art! So sings my soul, oh bacon avocado, to thee! When every crunchy morsel of this sandwich that is masticated and metabolized, what more is there? What desires may one possess in life, that bacon avocado cannot fulfill? What could a man fear, with the bacchanalian experience of the cream and crunch combined fresh in his mind? Not death, certainly.
The cessation of the unbearable pleasure of this sandwich will make you long for the embrace of your god, for nothing else on earth may compare. After the last swallow, with the smoky bacon taste fresh in your mind, an emptiness will begin to seep in. The speed with which it passes through the digestive system to be flushed off into the possession of soulless treatment plant bureaucrats is indicative of the feeble, fickle flame which burns within us: a light which beats back the darkness of inexorable time, only to burn out, leaving no memory of it’s shine, gone into a place where no man may follow. The light burns strongest when the taste buds are invigorated by the breathtaking spread of tangy avocado across the tongue, and this point is the perfect end. Do not let the light fade. Burn brightly, embrace your end, bite into a Bacon Avocado sandwich, and charge headlong into oblivion!
RED ROOM, Converse Hall, Amherst MA — The AAS Judiciary Council met today to discuss the latest in a string of complaints regarding the election of the 2014-2015 AAS President.
“There weren’t enough posters,” asserted student activist Sarah Hjelm ’15.
Hjelm ’15, an Art and Art History major, decried the lack of posters and advertisements used by the candidates in the lastest campaign.
“They’re usually so pretty,” Hjelm testified before the council. “Remember that huge ol’ poster Amani [Ahmed ’15] had in Val? Wasn’t that really eye-catching? Doesn’t our campus deserve more of that?”
“I don’t think I saw even one poster of Amani,” added self-described “politico” David Douglas ’17 during the discussion. “Maybe someone ripped them all down?”
At press time, the Judiciary Council members were split between those who considered posters a valuable way of informing students about candidates’ positions, and those who just wanted to see Peter Crane elected.
“Oh, just because it’s ‘at night’ and ‘there’s no sun out,’ it wasn’t ‘kosher’ to have a TAP called Island in the Sun, huh? This has really gone too far. People needed to calm down and stop policing fun. It was fun, was what it was! God, this campus has gone to shit,” proclaimed seasoned TAP-goer Ryan Beller ’17.
FROST LIBRARY A-LEVEL MEN’S BATHROOM, Amherst, Ma. – The toilet paper shortage that shook the Amherst College community Tuesday continued into Wednesday, with no apparent end in sight.
Reports that the shortage had spread to restaurants in nearby Amherst Center, where hundreds of students have been seen making trips for the sole purpose of relieving themselves, began surfacing early Wednesday afternoon.
In a tearful evening press conference, Environmental Health & Safety Manager Richard Mears admitted, “I’d be lying if I said we knew how to contain this thing. It’s approaching epidemic levels.”
Students are advised to remain indoors, and to consume as little coffee as possible until a solution is found.
THE WHITE HOUSE, Washington, D.C. – In a Wednesday address to the nation, President Barack Obama outlined his plan for preventing the rise of extremist groups at Amherst College, endorsing a strategic airstrike campaign at the liberal arts college U.S. News and World Report recently ranked as the second best in the nation.
“As Commander-in-Chief, my highest priority is the security of Amherst College students and staff,” the President remarked, before adding that, “[combatting extremists] is a core principle of my presidency: if you threaten Amherst College, you will find no safe haven.”
The President’s pledge comes in light of former CIA Deputy Director and current Brookings Institution Senior Fellow John McLaughlin’s Sunday interview on Meet the Press, in which he warned that the AAS Judiciary Council’s decision to overturn its overturning of its decision to overturn the results of last spring’s AAS presidential election created a “power vacuum” that could allow extremist groups to seize the now-vacant role of AAS President:
“The JC comes in and says, ‘Look, we have to scrap the election. Ahmed’s got posters.’ And that becomes the party line. ‘Ahmed’s got posters, Ahmed’s got posters.’ You see it every time you turn around, every time you check your email. But the thing is, there’s never any evidence to support that claim. None at all.
“The emails about the situation start getting longer, more convoluted, and more frequent, so the new party line becomes ‘the surge [in emails] is working.’ So that’s all well and good, but what they don’t say is what they’re going to do after the result of that election is nullified.
“The JC gets its way and nullifies the election, so the question becomes, what happens next? Does it set up an emergency election before the semester ends? Does it just appoint Crane president? None of the above. They book their flights home for the summer, wipe their hands with it all, and say, ‘it’s your problem now.’
“So that’s where we are now. Ahmed and Crane aren’t running again, and what we’re left with is this huge vacuum in leadership. Naturally, the people or groups vying to fill that void are going to be extremists—people whose entire interest in campus politics stems from their contempt for the last six months of campus politics. Expect people to parlay the turmoil into a promise of ‘reworking the system,’ promising to ‘work for you,’ and praising the progress the College has made over the last three years before helpfully reminding the student body that there is ‘still work to be done.’ Expect people to run on platforms entirely based on ‘fixing’ campus dining—promising to establish a sort of ‘Valiphate.’
“We’ve seen this story unfold time and time again. These extremists come in and make all the promises in the world, pad their resumes, and leave nothing but wreckage behind. This nation and this President cannot stand idly by and watch it happen again.”