AMHERST, Ma. – Members of Amherst College’s Chi Psi, Delta Kappa Epsilon, and Fraternity Formerly Known as Theta Delta Chi fraternities ratified a proposal Wednesday to move all three organizations’ rising senior members into the Alpine Commons apartment complex. The proposal, introduced at last night’s meeting of the Society of Amherst Fraternity Conspirators, embraces Amherst Dean of Residential Life Torin Moore’s friendly invitation to members of the college’s Class of 2014 to live in the complex to alleviate a projected campus housing shortage next year.
AMHERST, Ma. – Unemployed politician and former United States senator Scott Brown (R-Ma.) delivered a rousing speech in Amherst College’s Johnson Chapel on Saturday, deriding the Association of Amherst Students for funding the honorarium for former United States senator Scott Brown (R-Ma.). Citing minutes from the AAS Budgetary Committee meeting on January 30, Brown noted that not a single member of the committee expressed concern about the long term financial impact of a $10,000 expenditure, and that calculations into the present discounted value of the transaction were done without attention to future interest rates and Amherst’s declining S&P credit rating. “Ultimately, it is you students and you alumni who are going to be picking up the tab for this,” the former Massachusetts state senator said. “And let’s be honest: This isn’t going to be cheap.”
MUCK-RAKE ELECTION CENTER – The Amherst Muck-Rake projects that Barack Obama has won re-election as president of the United States, defeating former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney to retain his office for four more years. The Muck-Rake bases its projection on preliminary vote totals and a variety of state and national exit polls. Obama’s victory marks the re-election of the first African American president and the culmination of a hard-fought, nearly-two-year contest. However, The Muck-Rake also projects that the Republican Party will retain control of the U.S. House of Representatives in the 113th Congress, presumably empowering the president’s opponents in critical year-end negotiations over the pending “fiscal cliff.”
LEWIS-SEBRING COMMONS – Several attendees at the Amherst College Hillel-sponsored HanukkahPalooza lavished the event with rave reviews, calling it better than Julie Wiener’s bat mitzvah in 2005. ”I can’t believe I’m saying this,” said Rachel Greenbaum ’15, “but ChannukahPalooza was better that Julie Wiener’s bat mitzvah.”
JOHNSON CHAPEL, Amherst College – Michael Steele is currently addressing the Amherst community, half an hour ago. This is breaking live then:
JOHNSON CHAPEL, Amherst College – Amherst Political Union speaker Michael Steele accidentally missed his flight, scraped his rental car, and set his tie on fire en route to his appearance in a series of fitting representations of his existence. Tripping on the final step to the dais of Johnson Chapel and colliding with his podium, the former Republican National Committee chairman also acknowledged choking on an airport muffin, drawing the hotel room next to the ice machine, and accidentally driving south down I-91 to New Haven before despondently turning around. Steele, who was not invited to this year’s Republican National Convention despite having chaired the party less than two years ago, made his remarks during a presentation cut short to thirty minutes due to a room-reservation conflict with the Amherst Outing Club.
EDITORIAL BOARD – This presidential campaign has been perhaps the most vigorous—and certainly the most expensive—in recent memory. The latest un-skewed polls present a narrow contest. Yet rarely has a presidential election presented such a stark choice to the American people. The Muck-Rake prides itself in its objective coverage of the election, yet we find ourselves driven to support the bolder vision: the vision of a hopeful America over that of an apologetic one; the vision of liberty over one of mandates and job-killing taxes; the vision of prosperity for the many over one of gifts for the few.
For these reasons, The Muck-Rake endorses Mitt Romney for president.
30 BOLTWOOD AVENUE, Amherst, Ma. – Students, professors, and administrators were enjoying what was described as an “otherwise quiet, peaceful” evening at the Lord Jeff Inn when former President Anthony “Tony” Marx stumbled into the multipurpose conference room.
“Hey, how’ya doing. You got a bathroom in this joint?”