Obama Draws Red Line on Color War

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – In an emergency press briefing, US President Barack Obama issued a stern warning, declaring that he would not tolerate the use of chemical warfare—including, but not limited to the use of Yellow No. 5, Blue No. 1, or Red No. 40—in GlobeMed’s escalating Color Wars.

“Let me be clear,” Obama instructed the press, “This advertised use of chemicals changes the calculus. The United States, as a world leader, cannot tolerate this kind of warfare on our own soil. We are closely monitoring the situation.”

This press briefing came after Isreali Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu took to the floor of the UN General Assembly to explain the impending threat.
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“We will not—I repeat—will not hesitate to use force to control this situation,” Obama added. “Drones are on standby.”

GlobeMed insists that any use of chemicals is a matter of internal affairs—not a war crime. Spokespeople for the regime also mentioned that “the event will have Sugar Jones cookies, as well as pizza.”

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Fatemi, Itinerant Musician Indicted on Embezzlement Charges

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Mugshots courtesy of the Hampshire County Jail.

AMHERST, Ma. – The Northwestern District Attorney’s office unveiled felony embezzlement and conspiracy charges against Amherst College Assistant Dean of Students Hannah Fatemi and traveling performer Ben Haggerty on Sunday after Haggerty admitted to a plot to siphon funds from a College account.

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Fraternities Set to Convert Alpine Commons into ‘Frat Castle’

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AMHERST, Ma. – Members of Amherst College’s Chi Psi, Delta Kappa Epsilon, and Fraternity Formerly Known as Theta Delta Chi fraternities ratified a proposal Wednesday to move all three organizations’ rising senior members into the Alpine Commons apartment complex.  The proposal, introduced at last night’s meeting of the Society of Amherst Fraternity Conspirators, embraces Amherst Dean of Residential Life Torin Moore’s friendly invitation to members of the college’s Class of 2014 to live in the complex to alleviate a projected campus housing shortage next year.

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