Deranged Caroline Hanna Holding e-Digest Hostage

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AMHERST, Ma. – An enraged college Director of Media Relations Caroline Hanna refused to distribute the Amherst College e-Digest Wednesday, plunging the liberal arts college into chaos as students, faculty, and staff struggled helplessly to determine the week’s announcements, meetings, and events.

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Amherst Thrifts Spring Concert from Williams

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AMHERST, Ma. — The Amherst College Program Board revealed the school’s spring-concert artist as Macklemore on Tuesday, reporting that concert chair Peter Crane ’15 had picked up the rapper for a “killer bargain” after he was dropped from Williams College’s spring concert.

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TLC’s ‘Dean of Mean’ James Larimore to Revamp Amherst this April

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AMHERST, Ma. – Discovery Communications announced Wednesday that James Larimore, the itinerant dean of students and celebrity host of the hit TLC show “Dean of Mean,” will shoot his next episode at Amherst College, “storming” the beleaguered school this April for a “top-to-bottom power-cleaning that takes this dry, sexist hellhole from worst to first.”

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Editorial: Relocate the Game Room for the MRC

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In its 192nd year, Amherst College faces a challenge unprecedented in its history. What once served as a religious training ground for the privileged elite now aspires to inform and educate a student body diverse in myriad forms. The college recognizes that the time has come to more forcefully and openly embrace such diversity. As the publication of record for Amherst College since 1908, The Amherst Muck-Rake agrees with that sentiment. For that reason, The Muck-Rake endorses the relocation of the Keefe Campus Center game room to make way for the MRC.

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College Charters Amherst Muck-Rake

COLE ASSEMBLY ROOM, Converse Hall — Following the closure of The Amherst Student on Tuesday, Amherst College President Carolyn “Biddy” Martin entertained a motion to officially charter The Amherst Muck-Rake as the College-sponsored student publication.  Despite an attempted filibuster by a spry Professor N. Gordon Levin and a “chastising” by Professor Austin Sarat, the motion passed on a vote of 271-3.

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College Disbands Amherst Student

MARTIN: ‘IT DID NOT OFFER THE COMPASSION WE NEED’

AMHERST, Ma. – Amherst College President Carolyn “Biddy” Martin declared the disbandment of The Amherst Student Monday, announcing that the college had closed the student newspaper in the wake of its controversial reporting on the resignation of American Studies and Sociology professor Carleen Basler.

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