Crack Team Assembles to Fix the Ice Cream Machine Once and For All


Some things will never be understood. Who built the pyramids? Where do birds come from? Well, fear no more: one of history’s great mysteries is about to be solved. The Val Ice Cream Machine is about to be fixed, once and for all.

The cream of the crop is here to cream this crop and stop that cream from cropping up where we don’t want it. That’s right, the cream team has arrived. Bullshit you say? More like bull’s milk, of the same ilk, as cow’s milk (iced cream). It’s the crème de la crème, here to restart the clock on Big Ben, and by that I mean fix this damn machine.

Soon it’ll be all peaches and cream, or rather, pernil al horno and cream. Get in the queue because it’s time to suckle one by one at the teet of Mother Milk. And oh baby am I gonna milk it for all it’s worth.

I’m out of order? No, you’re out of order, ice cream machine. In fact, I do have an order and it’s “one ice cream please.” Can you make that happen? Didn’t think so.

Still not fixed? How is that possible? Isn’t this a brand new machine? The tease of Madagascar Vanilla is enough to make me cream my jeans, and believe me I would if I could if this machine were in order. But I can’t, so I shan’t. And that’s the Amherst way.

Good luck team. We’ll be rooting for you.

Live Blog: BLACKOUT Frost Sit-in

sit in at frost

PC: Andrew Drinkwater

12:45 – Line is forming out the door as hundreds await their chance to voice their mind and concerns about racism in higher education.

12:53: Junior Erika Flambert begins to share her experience, and is promptly shushed, as it is not yet time.

12:56: People begin to file in, each getting their “Ally” stamp.

1:00: The Blackout event begins, and the students leading the event take attendance. Attendance is paltry.

1:02: Dean Epstein draws the short straw.

1:05: First-Year Cameron Campbell wonders if she will do the black dress, or the black leggings and blouse.

1:12: The fashionably late begin to file in.

1:17: First-Year Cameron Campbell wonders if black lipstick is a bit too much.

1:22: Students begin to share their experiences, and receive glares from people working in Frost Cafe.

1:34: Amherst College republicans arrive, carrying casket containing free speech, and offer to deliver eulogy.

1:47: Sophomore Alan Keezer walks in to print out a reading, cannot leave so as not to appear racist.

1:58: Amir Hall ’17 melts our hearts.

2:06: Paramedics arrive to resuscitate those whose hearts were melted by Amir Hall ’17.

2:13: Biddy Martin watches Season 2, Episode 7 of “Friends” on Netflix.

2:25: The profile pictures begin changing.

2:32: Racism is explained to the lacrosse team.

2:47: Conservative first year Jack Smith is trapped in A-Level after printing out more free speech fliers.

3:20: Librarian canned for shushing students having loud, enthusiastic conversation about race. “I wasn’t trying to make a statement or anything… it’s just second nature,” said the racist librarian.

3:36: Biddy Martin can’t decide between taking a nap or re-watching her favorite episode of “Friends”, “The One Where No-One’s Ready.”

3:42: Kid studying who isn’t on social media conveniently wears his black northface. He just goes with the flow as people start solemnly piling in next to him.

3:54: Many note that Frost is a low-key great place to mack right now.

4:10: Prospective students wanders into Frost. Put off by large class size.

4:13: Biddy Martin warms up some hot pockets she found in the freezer yesterday.

4:20: Stoners lament that racial tension is so high, but they are not.

4:34: The fashionably woke begin to file in.

4:44: Make a wish!

4:52: Two people with conflicting experiences settle it in the only way Amherst students can: single combat.

5:02: Lazy Junior Sam Fifer notes that this is the longest he’s ever spent in frost in one sitting.

5:13: Sophomore who deleted his facebook thinks he just walked into an emo pizza scavenger hunt.

5:22: All students of color approached to begin small group discussions, despite how able they are to lead small group discussions.

5:41: Muck-Rake liveblogger realizes that only people not at the event will be reading this, and should adjust journalistic lens to match that.

5:42: Why do people need to talk about race when a black president has been elected? #AC4FreeSpeech

5:48: I’ve never been racist, and my father’s hedge fund hires black people all the time! #AC4FreeSpeech

6:02: Why would we want to get rid of racism? Until 1865, it was the biggest job-creator in the nation! #AC4FreeSpeech

6:10: Muck-Rake liveblogger is physically disgusted with himself, and decides to change his journalistic lens again.

6:14: Student who missed class this morning due to “sickness” is trying to cough convincingly while speaking to professor about social justice.

6:21: Senior chooses apple pie at Val over solidarity with students of color. “I’m sure they’ll understand,” she said, pouring soft-serve over her dessert.

6:32: Lax team finally understands racism, never has to think about it ever again.

6:43: Pizza makes all the difficulty of race dialogue melt away in a mixture of cheese and tomato.

6:47: Back room Val “Sit in” enters record 9th slice of pie.

6:52: Black student struggles to come up with more experiences to share to a sea of expectant faces.

7:01: Student torn between desire to show solidarity by remaining seated and  standing up to relieve horrible, horrible pins and needles feeling in left leg.

7:12: Grab-n-Go shows racial solidarity in the only way it knows how: Bacon Avocado sandwiches.

7:25: The perfect time to finally make moves on that cute first-year that’s into social justice.

7:35: Student’s video makes it onto “Somber Discussions about race” snap story.

7:42: “Free food in Frost!” – Senior who was in C-level this whole time.

7:53: Biddy Martin shakes Japanese flight attendant to tell the pilot to “go faster,” then wakes up from her hot pocket-induced fever dream.

8:00: Racial solidarity raffle winners announced.

8:08: Campus Republican puts the final touches on mental rebuttal to the experiences of fellow students.

8:13: Guy walks away with jacket full of Bacon Avocado sandwiches, fancy chips, and apples.

8:22: First person ever takes notice of display case in lobby of Frost.

8:31: Front window of Frost covered in greasy fingerprints. Further evidence liberals don’t wash hands.

8:43: Student who stayed at protest for 20 minutes writes email to professor explaining why he can’t take his econ test tomorrow.

8:54: Biddy commences shaking in her boots.

9:02: Shruti Badri ’16 defends India’s war record, to critical acclaim.

9:11: Siena Eileen ’17 speaks to the issue of invisibility of Asian student issues; I just wish I could have seen her from my seat in the back corner.

9:23: Abbas Shah ’18 discusses the extra burdens placed on international students; is assured he does not need a visa to remain in our hearts and minds.

9:34: David Zhang ’17 explains the culture shock he experienced with the American sense of humor; with that in mind, this update will not feature a joke.

9:46: The list of demands is completed, and deliberations about who gets to read which demand begin.

9:54: Biddy Martin arrives, having woken up from her nap in the car.

10:03: The order of demand readers is finalized.

10:11: Athri Ranganathan ’16 revels in the ability to say “fuck” in front of Biddy Martin.

10:13: Lerato, Sanyu, and Katyana are honored at the attempt at a chant, but since none happened, agree to do one backstage amongst themselves.

10:22: The organizers begin to read their demands.

10:24: People learn about all types of racism and exclusion they never tried before, and start to get ideas.

10:32: Lord Jeff’s spirit cries out in pain of being officially exorcised from the Amherst College Student body.

10:42: The list of demands is completed, and President Martin appears disappointed that they did not request an immediate performance of an original song and dance, as she had been preparing one.

10:44:  Students get to learn about the cool organizations they attended once, and never again.

10:47: The Muck-Rake, though present for the entire afternoon, is excluded from the list of campus groups present. The exclusion stings just as it did in middle school gym class.

10:56: Biddy Martin wonders if she left the oven on.

11:02: Biddy agrees to look over the demands before signing it in front of a thousand angry students, preferring instead to consult a thousand angry alumni.

11:06: Three students agree to go on hunger strike, to end whenever.

11:07: The students have released the conditions under which they will end their strike, and they are as follows:

11:11: If everyone wishes for racial harmony, it might come true!

11:23: Everyone wonders which filter makes solidarity pop more.

11:36: The sit-in continues  while people go to their rooms and wonder what they’re going to do with all the time they have now that others have worked to get classes cancelled.

“Great AC Voice Article!” Comments AC Voice Writer


AMHERST, Ma. — Sitting on her bed, swinging her legs back and forth, AC Voice Junior Staff Member Taffeta Jones ’17 told reporters Tuesday that she knew exactly what she was going to comment on Martha Eppler’s latest AC Voice piece, “Why Kale is Racist and So Are You.”

“I’m probably going to describe it as a ‘great article’, or maybe a ‘real think piece,’” Jones said of the article.

Jones later admitted that she only kind of skimmed it, but that it “looked like something I could probably start an argument about.” Explaining that she generally held this opinion about most of the AC Voice articles she pretends to read, Jones went on to say that she really did mean it for this one.

“I think it’s really nice that there’s an entire website where AC Voice staff members can read and comment on articles written by other staff members.”

Hamsters Running Amherst’s Network Reportedly Tire


AMHERST, Ma — Deep in the recesses of Converse Hall lies the epicenter of Amherst’s communication network: where 17 purebred hamsters power all Internet activity by rapidly running on a wheel.

The hamsters have been employed by the college on terms of water & food pellets for generations now, but all signs point to the end of this happy bargain between the College and hamster representatives.

Speaking with Buttercup, the eighth generation in his family of Dwarf Winter White Russian hamsters to work for the school, he seemed upset about the hours demanded of the small animals. When asked about recent complaints from the student body about web speeds, Buttercup scrunched his nose and looked away.

Efforts by IT staff have been ineffective at encouraging the hamsters to work the longer hours and faster speeds necessary to maintain a robust network for all students, from those streaming videos to those posting to Moodle.

“We should get more hamsters” reported Amy Basser ’16. “This seems really, really easy, and also not that hard.”

“We just raised $500 million,” she added. “Shouldn’t we at least have the hamster capacity of most other colleges—even during peak hours?”

Hamster maintenance chief John Manly was adamant that such easy solutions were impossible, citing the cost of training the hamsters and the high risk of the hamsters eating their recently-trained young.

“We’re looking into guinea pigs as a possible solution, or attaching our web power to the crew team’s ‘ergs.’ Both have proven inconsistent” Manly explained to press.

‘Amherst Student’ Celebrates Release of ‘Very Funny’ Issue


AMHERST, Ma. – Supportive family and friends cheered the hard work and wonderful stories of the Amherst Student “staff” Wednesday after the roll-out of the “newspaper’s” April Fools edition.  “Great job,” numerous attendees told the publication’s writers over a celebratory “feast” of Chex Mix and Lorna Doones in the Student’s makeshift “newsroom” as educators urged the team to give itself “a big round of applause.”

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