Crack Team Assembles to Fix the Ice Cream Machine Once and For All


Some things will never be understood. Who built the pyramids? Where do birds come from? Well, fear no more: one of history’s great mysteries is about to be solved. The Val Ice Cream Machine is about to be fixed, once and for all.

The cream of the crop is here to cream this crop and stop that cream from cropping up where we don’t want it. That’s right, the cream team has arrived. Bullshit you say? More like bull’s milk, of the same ilk, as cow’s milk (iced cream). It’s the crème de la crème, here to restart the clock on Big Ben, and by that I mean fix this damn machine.

Soon it’ll be all peaches and cream, or rather, pernil al horno and cream. Get in the queue because it’s time to suckle one by one at the teet of Mother Milk. And oh baby am I gonna milk it for all it’s worth.

I’m out of order? No, you’re out of order, ice cream machine. In fact, I do have an order and it’s “one ice cream please.” Can you make that happen? Didn’t think so.

Still not fixed? How is that possible? Isn’t this a brand new machine? The tease of Madagascar Vanilla is enough to make me cream my jeans, and believe me I would if I could if this machine were in order. But I can’t, so I shan’t. And that’s the Amherst way.

Good luck team. We’ll be rooting for you.

The Muck-Rake’s Guide to the New Party Policy

umbridge coffey

The Chief Student Affairs Officer pictured here in front of her new policy. Yes, our reference pool comes exclusively from movie adaptations of children’s books.


The college has once again updated its party policy in an effort to further empower students to chug Rasberry Rubinoff at 10 PM, and ensure administrative job security. To save you time, The Muck-Rake has compiled the highlights.

  • You must meet with a Dean of residential life to register the party: the ResLife office will shorten its doorway by half to Encourage Student Choice to crawl on hands and knees.


  • Drinking  games may only occur at parties if Suzanne Coffey is allowed to #rollthru again.


  • Alcohol may only be served from the barrel of ACPD Chief John Carter’s gun.


  • You may possess up to six alcohol units at any given time. By possess, we mean hold, own, or conceive of it. One unit consists of:
    • Half a crushed can of keystone light
    • A mole of wine
  • For each guest over capacity, the Party Sponsor will receive ten lashes.


  • A Party Sponsor must submit for review at least 72 hours (3 business days) in advance, unless you are a member of Registration Prime, allowing you to register parties only 48 hours in advance.


  • The Party Sponsor must call the ACPD every fifteen minutes, and ask us how we’re doing for a change.
  • Complex parties may not be held until a committee search for a visiting professor of Crowd Management is completed.


  • No drinks in locations of increased safety risk, like on porches, balconies, stairwells, kitchens, bathrooms, floors, walled rooms.


  • No talking.


  • If floor is dirty an hour after the approved end time, it must be licked clean.


  • If any rules are violated, the sponsor must pay tuition for each student not invited.


  • Underage drinkers will be forcibly aged.


  • No Music,  unless it is on the approved song list:

Approved Songs

“Ride of the Valkyries” by Wagner

“I Got a Feeling” by The Black Eyed Peas

Seven Steps to Acing Those Last Few Finals


We’ve all been there: Finals are underway and now you’ve got to figure out how to prepare for finals.  Fear not, because the Muck-Rake has you covered. Here are seven easy tips for acing those terminal assessments!

1. Get Midnight Breakfast at Val

Studies show a full stomach makes for a full examination. Swing by Val for a few hours before you get cracking; the soothing aroma of three-day-old chicken soaking in dish soap will provide invigorating brain-fuel for your studies!

2. Slip into one of Keefe’s massage chairs

Let the sweat-encrusted leather of the Friedman Room massage chairs envelop your limp flesh prison in a night of rest and relaxation! The Office of Student Life has shipped three bonafide Lazy Boy PowerReclineXR’s to the Friedman room, and those greasy boys are fired up and ready to go. Work the knots out of your deteriorating back before your big test, you won’t regret it.

3. Take up Jogging

Everyone knows finals week is the best time to pick up jogging. You might think you’re too busy, but that’s just you tricking yourself into not jogging, like you always do. Jogging is a great way to relax and take your mind off work, especially because there are still two hours left in the day to go over your three review sheets!

4. Attend the Chipotle Burrito Drop at the Powerhouse

Watch as thousands of burritos darken the sky from the safety and comfort of the Powerhouse! Literally the only structure capable of withstanding this terrible display of power, the Powerhouse is the perfect place to watch in horror as two thousand dollars of Chipotle burrito fixings are dropped from a height of 4,000 feet.

5. Clean your dorm

Whether you live with a roomie or not, your dorm is probably a filthy, pestilent sty. Recent studies have proven that you’re a dirty, filthy, nasty bit of Jenkins shower scum, and taking the time to clean your workspace is the fifth step to becoming that baby genius you’ve always been told you are.

6. Don’t Panic

Things may seem bleak, but we promise, everyone’s been there. The sense of crushing defeat, like everything is falling and time is slipping through your fingers? That’s ok. What’s important is taking good care of your mental health. Take deep breaths, and research yoga classes to try out next semester. After you register for a couple, boil a cup of tea for yourself and check your socials. Remember: everyone earns a break now and again. Oh jesus, the sun’s really set. Oh god, oh man. That’s not good. We haven’t even begun giving you our study related tips!

7. Contact an Extraplanar Entity Capable of Taking Your Finals For You

deal with entity

Look, we know this is exactly how things went last semester. We’re sorry. Maybe you should have started studying sooner, but don’t worry! Klargon, your new class dean has you covered.

All you need to ace your exams this time around is to bind an eldritch being to your service and let them dominate your physical form. Lucky for you, this Tuesday, from 1-3pm, Klargon and Paul Gallegos will be handing them out for free in the Keefe atrium. These ghastly creatures use their access to higher dimensions of reality to acquire all the information necessary to slam dunk your finals for you! Sponsored by the Office of Student Life!

We hoped you enjoyed our seven easy steps for acing your finals. Be sure to take a nice bath after Ammutseba, Devourer of Stars, has been inside you – you earned it!

My Body Is Beautiful Week Participant Gives Up Carbs, Sugar, Dairy, Transfats, Gluten, Red Meat, Fish, For Lent


Amherst, MA — Born-again Christian and #MBIBW participant Andy Beller ’16 announced Wednesday that, in order to repent for his sins and return his life to Jesus Christ, he would be giving up all foods that contained carbohydrates, sugar, trans fats, gluten, red meat, and fish, for Lent.

“I’m doing this for my number one man, JC, and the whole dessert thing,” Beller commented this afternoon from an elliptical in the Alumni Gymnasium. “Yes, I happen to be going to Cancun in 23 days with my friends for Spring Break, but it’s My Body Is Beautiful Week AND it’s Lent, so I’m not worrying about how this bod might look on Facebook or Instagram—it’s not the body, it’s the soul, man. C’mon.”

Three and a half hours later, upon returning from the gym, Beller’s roommate asked him if he wanted to get ashes.

“Ashes?” Beller replied. “That’s a type of polyunsaturated fat, right? Listen, unless it’s a superfood, I’m giving it up for Lent. Sorry. But I think it’s really great that you’re not worrying about any of that. You’re perfect the way you are, bro!”

Did Val’s ‘Yogurt and Cereal Night’ Really Happen?

Chief Amherst Correspondent reporting from on the scene in the Scott House Counseling Center


It is a conversation that has played out many times across campus recently.

“Yeah dude, stress will do weird things to you,” begins one student, “it gets really bad for me near finals. I remember at the end of last semester, actually, I had the strangest  fucking stress-dream. They were serving cereal and yogurt in Val at like 10 o’clock. It was super dark and depressing, and everyone was just ambling around like zombies with cups full of raspberries.”

“Wait…” replies another student incredulously, “was there—was there a giant Trix rabbit there?”

“Yea, how did you know?”

“I…I had the exact same dream.”

And so too, it seems, have dozens of other students. Details of the event have been recalled with varying certainty in front of a variety of Amherst College counselors, therapists, and psychoanalysts; but there remains a solid consensus on a certain set of facts surrounding this supposed ‘Val Yogurt and Cereal Night’: there were lots of berries, there was granola, there were bags—bags—of yogurt, there were temporary tattoos of beloved cereal characters, there were students, aimlessly and sluggishly wandering about under dim lighting, and, of course, there was the rabbit.

A big Trix rabbit.

A goddamn man-sized Trix rabbit.

Why was it there? Nobody knows for sure. But, as the consensus grows, it becomes harder and harder to deny that it definitely was there and that this definitely happened.

The agreement between students on these specific details is surprising to a point past mere coincidence, leading some (this author included) to believe that Val’s Yogurt and Cereal Night may have actually been a real thing, and not the sugar-induced, fever-dream of a madman, as I once thought.

Student, counselors, and other experts have developed several theories to explain the mysterious, and mass-psychotic, night-terror event. The most popular involves a group dream-hypnosis scheme supposedly cooked up by inception psychologists at the General Mills Corporation. And though more outlandish theories have implicated or involved Suzanne Coffee, others have ranged from bad mushrooms trips, to black ice trips, to expired ancient grains, and to former dean Torin Moore.

Farmer Pete Tasked with Saving So-Cal Amherst Students from Chilly Weather


Amherst, MA – Explaining that the explosion in population of students hailing from California in recent years has brought unique challenges, Dean of Students Alex Vasquez unveiled a new initiative Thursday morning to address problems caused by the temperate climate of the college.

“While the college has welcomed the geographic diversity and new perspectives these students provide, last year we lost a significant portion of our Southern California students due to sub-freezing temperatures,” relayed Vasquez, “and we’d rather not see that happen again. So this year, I thought to myself, ‘who’s good at protecting things from frost?’ And of course, farmer Pete came to mind.”

“Oranges have the same problem,” explained Book & Plow “Farmer” Pete McLean. “At temperatures below freezing, they just can’t survive. This So-Cal crop, they’re not built for this environment—they’re an imported species. They have to be protected from the weather until they’re ready to be shipped back home for winter break.”

McLean went on to explain that in the citrus industry, farmers spray their crops with water to insulate them. “I’m doing the same thing, except, instead of using water, I’m spraying them with kombucha. So far, it’s been extremely effective.”

As for the students staying on campus over interterm, McLean has already started preparations. “For them,” McLean goes on, “we’ll have to take more long-term preservative measures. They’ll be wrapped in protective tarp for several days at a time, with plenty of human contact—I plan on talking to each of them for at least five minutes a day. In the dead of winter, I’ll remind them what the sun is like. Maybe I’ll sing Beach Boys songs to them. Anything to keep them from getting too depressed and withering.”

If proven effective over the entirety of the winter, McLean plans to expand the program next year to include Caribbean and Floridian students.

Five Years Later: Remembering the Val Grilled Chicken Tragedy


THE MUCK-RAKE CENTER, Amherst, MA — Today marks the fifth anniversary of the now infamous “Valentine Grilled Chicken Experiment.” The seemingly innocuous experiment, conducted by Amherst psychology major Wayne Meyers ’09, involved studying the effects on diners when grilled chicken was made unavailable.

The setup was simple: grilled chicken would remain posted on the menu, but the trough would be continuously empty. If asked, Val workers were told to assure diners that the chicken would be ready in “about ten minutes.” However, due to a horrendous series of coincidences, flaws, and overlooked factors, the experiment resulted in perhaps one of the greatest humanitarian tragedies in Valentine Dining Hall history. The Muck-Rake’s team has uncovered the original journal, with complete entries, from the experiment. We post them here today not only as an act of remembrance, but also as a warning to future psychology majors to never tamper with an athlete’s protein.

What follows are the original entries taken verbatim from Wayne Meyers’ journal:

4:30 – Gates open. Obviously, no students yet—not even the elderly dine this early.

4:55 – A couple dozens students have filtered in. A few mild complaints about chicken. Some students wait, but none more than five minutes. Most take deli meat instead.

5:15 – Increased diner flow and increased irritation. Several utterances of “classic Val” and “so fucking stupid,” but most diners don’t really seem to care.

5:34 – Freshman dropped his tray on his way to the front room. Three bean chili everywhere. Hilarious. Unrelated to experiment.

5:46 – Diner volume increasing steadily now. Many diners becoming more indignant. Longer line forming at lighter side. Val workers appear increasingly stressed.

5:58 – Deli meats running low. Val chefs tell me there’s little left in fridge.

6:07 – Sports teams beginning to arrive post-practice. Lighter side line swelling to record length. General unhappiness is palpable. Traditional side (Noodle Bar) is seeing some begrudging traffic.

6:12 – Noodle Bar out of all protein-based toppings. Pizza running low. Deli meats gone. Several patrons becoming enraged. One says loudly, “Are you serious?! This is fucking ridiculous!” Many in the line nod heads in agreement. More athletes are arriving post-practice.

6:18 – All meat-based protein is exhausted. No diced chicken in the salad line. No non-vegetarian toppings left at noodle bar. Line is disintegrating, becoming a crowd. One val worker is crying. Several altercations between members of different sports teams.

6:23 – General disruption and clamor. The entire serving area is packed. Only fragmented words and phrases are distinguishable: “Macros,” “fuck Val,” “protein,” “starving,” “fuck salads,” “out of everything,” “fuck this,” “I hate everything,” etc., alongside various guttural noises.

6:29 – Athletes have coalesced into team-mobs. Most non-athletes have fled. Fighting is breaking out among the teams. Unsure if it’s safe to remain.

6:30 – Val workers have fled. Chaos erupting in serving area. Campus police have been called.

6:31 – Val gates have been closed to contain the violence. Unintentionally creating thunderdome-like effect within serving area. Teams are attacking each other with cutlery and bowls. The track team is attempting to run away, but there is nowhere to run.

6:32 – The lax and tennis teams are in an all-out brawl near the cereal bar. Blood is spattered on the Lucky Charms.

6:33 – The football team is eating the soccer team.

6:34 – Campus police have arrived, but are unsure of what to do.

6:36 – Campus police have decided to let the rioters “wear themselves out.”

6:37 – The football team is eating the hockey team.

6:45 – Violence continues, though some appear to be tiring.

6:58 – Most rioters are either dead or no longer hungry. Bloodshed diminishing.

7:10 – Val gates opened by police. Survivors file out. Some grab dessert (zucchini spice cake).

7:30 – Val gates closed.

ResLife: New West African Theme House “NOT A Quarantine”


CONVERSE HALL, Amherst, MA — Representatives today responded to backlash coming in the wake of the recent creation of a West African Theme House, to take up the entirety of Seligman Dormitory.

“We felt that embracing the rich culture of the West African people was long overdue. Charles Drew House is a crucial part of residential life at Amherst, but it falls short of our goal of providing theme housing to students from ALL walks of life,” a Residential Life spokesperson told reporters.

The decision ends the 1-year run of the Chinese-Japanese Language House at Amherst’s most recently renovated dorm.

“There are numerous advantages to this change. Seligman’s security is unparalleled, and as the dorm most distant from campus, it offers unparalleled isolation. Not to mention it’s the closest to the UMass Health Center, making it perfect for establishing a tight-knit, closely monitored theme house community.”

ResLife added that creating the theme house shortly after growing Ebola cases exceeded 10,000 in West Africa, with disparate infections occurring in the U.S., was purely coincidental, and not a crass public health ploy, as student organizations have alleged.

“I want to stress that this is NOT some kind of racial quarantine. In fact, I encourage anyone who is interested in West Africa, or who has visited the region within the last 4-6 months, to apply.”

ResLife concluded by saying that plans are also in the works to open the second floor of Seligman to students from Atlanta, “particularly those who live near or around the CDC.”

[SPONSORED] Amherst College Laundry Expands Services to Dressing, Spoonfeeding

202191rkergb75 + 1002168_10151766142218618_929289322_n

Dear Amherst Students:

Any college-aged student comes to understand certain realities about student life; in particular, given your busy rotation of homework, exercise, and socializing, that dressing and feeding yourself can be the last things you want to worry about.

To help free up some of your time, All College Laundry offers two especially efficient and practical programs: Pamper’s Soft and Here Comes the Choo-Choo Train. Here’s how it works:

  1. Leave your dirty diapers on the floor.
    Choose from cloth or disposable!
  2. At-your-door pick up.
    Ride to Val in style in a custom-fit baby carriage.
  3. Spoonfeeding.
    All food comes pre-chewed!
  4. Who’s a big boy?
    You are.

All College Laundry has a proven record of top-quality service to Amherst College students. We hope that you will consider giving up any sense of shame and letting yourself be coddled into your twenties.

If you have any questions, please contact us at (888) GOO-GAGA or

Best Regards,

All College Laundry

Frost Café Barista Under Fire As Espresso Outage Hits Third Week


ROBERT FROST LIBRARY, Amherst, MA — Emotions reached a fever pitch at Frost Café Tuesday afternoon, following word that the campus coffee shop’s espresso machine was going on its third consecutive week of being broken.

In an impassioned press conference on Frost Balcony, sophomore and Frost Café regular Elizabeth Kirkpatrick ’17 relayed the toll the broken machine has taken on her and her peers:

“I honestly just can’t even,” lamented Kirkpatrick, joined in grieving at the podium by a coalition of fellow pearl-wearing sophomore girls.  “I need my daily decaf soy latte to survive psych class. I literally couldn’t even bring myself to check my Instagram this morning, much less to post a funny #transformationtuesday of my friend Tiffany, who was kind of fat in middle school.”

Frost Café barista Tony Esposito has refused to speak to the press since the espresso crisis began, but sources close to Esposito have told the Muck-Rake that the Café boss and honorary degree recipient is “just trying to stay low and keep moving.”