Administration Under Fire After Hazing Video Surfaces

“It’s hypocritical, is what it is,” said Delta Kappa Epsilon President Arthur Woolman ’15. “They can have their ALS but we can’t have our DKE? Ridiculous.”

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“Amherst Won’t See a Dime From Me,” Announces Brash, Penniless Student

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AMHERST, Ma. – Promising not to give “a dime” of his expected earnings, broke political science major Brendan Mann ’15 posted a Facebook status last evening in solidarity with fraternity protests.

Though he has no wealth or career at the moment, Mann guaranteed in no uncertain terms that he is an insufferable prick who will not give whatever money he does manage to come across to the College.

“I may be coasting off my parent’s wealth right now, but once I get my own money, oh boy—look out Amherst… for nothing, that is,” the presumptuous junior’s status continued. “You’ve pissed off the wrong person in the future, when I will have money, by pissing me off now.”

“Money is easy to get and I will have a lot of it,” the douchebag concluded.

At press time, financial scouts from Goldman Sachs were reportedly impressed by Mann’s “audacity”: “I think there’s a future for this overly confident asshole on Wall Street.”

Sanders Shines at Fraternity Refugee Scouting Combine

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COOLIDGE CAGE, Amherst, Ma. – Luke Sanders ’15, the “can’t-miss” friendship prospect and consensus number one overall pick in the upcoming Fraternity Refugee Draft, continued to wow representatives of the over 40 student social groups participating in the draft with his performance at Thursday morning’s Fraternity Refugee Scouting Combine in Coolidge Cage.

Among the general drills held in the Cage were assessments of each prospect’s ability to hang posters, throw a frisbee, sing/beatbox, create a Facebook event, and run a laser timed 40-yard dash. Amherst Political Union vice president and scout Carter Hayes described the scouting process in a post-Combine press conference: “We can all see the raw potential in most of these guys, but most of us have no idea what they’ve been up to behind closed fraternity doors. It’s our job as scouts to make sure they’re ready to adjust to the world of College-sanctioned fun. These are the big leagues.”

Other traits observed in the Cage included prospects’ ability to shotgun a beer quickly (“But not too quickly,” according to a scout from the Amherst Christian Fellowship), complain about the food at Valentine Dining Hall, and interact with members of the opposite sex. A group of scouts representing the “First-Year Girls Who Aren’t Varsity Athletes But Sit in the Back Room of Val Anyway,” or FYGWAVABSITBROVAs (first pick: round 1, pick 23), were “blown away” by how quickly Sanders was able to ask for and receive all five of their phone numbers, with one of the scouts noting that Sanders “didn’t even introduce himself” before handing the group an iPhone with the “New Contact” screen open. She added that the FYGWAVABSITBROVAs would not hesitate to trade “whatever it takes” to improve their draft position and chances at welcoming the social dynamo into their ranks.

Sources indicate that Sanders also impressed scouts in his one-on-one interviews with each group, most of which included an evaluation of each prospect’s ability to match the dominant sense of humor on the group’s email chain and his comfort level at the group’s preferred table in Valentine Dining Hall. An anonymous scout remarked that Sanders has “an impossibly high ceiling,” adding that the junior is “a natural social chair, but you can plug him into any E-board position on day one and be happy with his production.”

“I just wanted to come out here and show all of these groups that I’ve got what it takes to hang out with them next year,” said Sanders, who was the only ex-fraternity member that elected not to order a party pizza in front of scouts. “Now that DKE’s illegal, there’s going to be a lot of pressure on me as a senior next Fall to step into whichever one of these groups selects me and start being friends with them right away. I think I proved today that I’ve done it before, and I can do it again.”

Dean of Students Office Announces Fraternity Refugee Draft

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AMHERST, Ma. – Immediately following the release of the Board of Trustees’ decision to ban student membership in on- and off-campus “fraternities and sororities and fraternity-like and sorority-like organizations,” the Dean of Students Office and the Association of Amherst Students announced a Fraternity Refugee Draft, to be held in the Hitchcock ballroom from May 9-11. The draft, which seeks to redistribute first-year, sophomore, and junior fraternity members from their now-illegal groups of friends into different campus social groups, is believed to be the first event of its kind.

In her Tuesday evening announcement of the draft, Chief Student Affairs Officer Suzanne Coffey granted the number one overall pick to the Amherst College Fencing Club, for being what she called a “perennial social scene underperformer.” The Chinese Students Association, the Zumbyes, Humphries House, the women’s squash team, and the Amherst Muck-Rake round out the top six picks.

Fifteen of the most promising and newly friendless prospects at the College are expected to be in attendance for Friday night’s opening ceremony and first round, including highly-touted DKE president-elect and projected first overall pick Luke Sanders ’15. Sanders, a junior Religion major who took the Amherst College party scene by storm this March with his successful campaign to “bring back” Swedish DJ and producer Avicii’s 2011 smash hit “Levels,” officially announced his decision to enter the draft via Facebook on Wednesday morning:

“I’m going to miss my friends, the brotherhood, and the bonds we’ve built together over the past three years, but I know that leaving them behind and entering this draft is what’s best for me and my family.”

In an interview with Boston-area sports talk radio station WEEI (93.7FM), president, treasurer, and acting social chair of the fencing club Olivia Wu ’15 made no secret of her team’s intention to officially befriend the dynamic junior from Scarsdale, NY with its first selection:

“Prospects with friendship potential like Luke’s come around maybe once in a generation. We want to make it clear that we are no longer in rebuilding mode. Our team and our fans have waited long enough for us to make our entrance into the campus mainstream, and we believe he has what it takes to get us there on day one.”

Tickets to all three days of the draft are free for Amherst College students and $10 for Five College students with a valid student ID. The event will also be streamed live online via JeffCast.

Election Watch: Ahmed Fraternizing with “Back Room Undesirables”

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THE BACK ROOM OF VAL, Amherst, Ma. – Amani Ahmed ’15, candidate for AAS President, was reportedly “hanging out” in the back room of Valentine Dining Hall yesterday when varsity athlete Stephen Hardy ’17, a major donor to her campaign, went off on a now-controversial rant that has gone viral after being caught on video tape. The “fucking Melvins” video, as it is now known, has threatened Ahmed’s ability to maintain her voting base and left many wondering whether she will recover before polls close tonight.

Hardy, an Amherst baseball player and alleged Amherst student, railed against “NARPS, nerds, GDIs, Biddy Martin, Barista Tony, Egg McCharlies,” and several other subjects that Front-Roomers, a key demographic for Ahmed, hold dear. “It’s not ‘Terras Irradient,‘ it’s ‘Tear ass and make your lift,'” shouted Hardy at the conclusion of his rant, “Seriously, fuck these fucking Melvins. I hate this place. Hardy, out.” The Muck-Rake regrets that the rest of the tirade is not appropriate for our family friendly audience.

Stephen Yee ’15, spokesman for the Crane campaign, explained why Ahmed’s association with Hardy and undesirables like him is devastating for her campaign: “Amani was back there [in the back room] for four consecutive hours yesterday. Does she go to class? I don’t know. What was she doing back there? I don’t know. I usually just get my drinks and then speed walk out of there. Those people terrify me. But clearly they don’t scare Ms. Ahmed, and that makes me question her loyalty to the real students at this College.”

Ahmed’s connections to “the back room” allegedly extend back at least two years, with accounts of conversations between the candidate and fraternity members, varsity athletes, and other campus undesirables cropping up as early as her first-year orientation. Her persistent presence in “the back room” has led some to question whether Ahmed herself is in an all-male underground  fraternity.

“Concerns about Amani being in a frat are totally unsubstantiated and laughable,” said Jeremiah Wright ’16, an Ahmed for President campaign staffer. “She doesn’t drink. She’s never had a sip of [cool, refreshing Miller Genuine Draft] in her life. And she cares too much about this community to hide anything from it. She was outraged and saddened by Mr. Hardy’s words and has since cut all ties from that particular table.”

Why I Wrote “Peter Uvin: Masturbator?”

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(deputymetroeditor)– In the time since I posted “Peter Uvin, Masturbator?” on this website, I have had several conversations about the article and the controversy it provoked. I published the article because the incident it described was a newsworthy story. However, I should have taken a different approach in doing so. Making clear why I thought this story was important and highlighting the issues that it raised would have encouraged a more productive discussion about the issues behind the story instead of the wild speculation about my supposed anti-masturbation agenda that occurred in its place. Ironically, my attempt to leave my personal opinions out of the story probably created more controversy than if I had included them in the article.

I had chosen to write the article in (what I thought was) an “objective and unbiased” tone because I knew that masturbation is a controversial subject at the College. I wanted to separate the story from my personal views on jerkin’ the gherkin because I thought doing so would benefit discussion on the real issue behind the story—the regulative vacuum in which an administrator flogging the dolphin exists—rather than my own beliefs about the masturbation question, especially since I don’t have a particularly strong opinion on the matter. I purposefully attempted to include various administrators’ side of the story and emailed them a partial draft to ensure that they thought I was being accurate and fair, and I refrained from any editorializing in the article (in contrast to previous investigative pieces I have written for this site). Throughout the whole process, I made every effort to produce a balanced narrative that included a range of perspectives on the incident.

This strategy obviously failed. Judging by the comments, a significant number of students and alumni believe that I am either an anti-five knuckle shuffle fanatic with a large axe to grind or a sordid trader in salacious gossip. Neither description fits reality, but this ill-founded conjecture ultimately distracted people from my real purpose in writing this story. This was in some ways my fault—by not stating explicitly why I wrote this article, I left people guessing about what I really thought about charming the snake instead of debating the issues I hoped to raise.

To be explicit about my “agenda” in writing this article, I think that the lack of oversight of administrators roping the pony creates circumstances—such as the one discussed in the article—in which the College is unable to respond to potentially groundbreaking student inquiry in a timely fashion. Additionally, I think there has been an unjustified taboo on discussing the role of playing pocket pool in creating a campus culture in which waiting around for email responses occurs on a far too frequent basis; holding the sausage hostage obviously isn’t the root of all evil, but the regulative vacuum in which it exists necessarily begets inconvenient situations. The response to this doesn’t have to be the outright banning of going to the palm prom, but we have to figure out how to address this problem if we want to make real progress towards a better campus community.

I should also note that my purpose in writing this article was never to attack Peter Uvin or the other administrators involved. While I think that the decision to not respond to my email for almost two hours failed to account for the potential effects that it could have had, the administrators involved appear to have taken precautions to ensure that they check their inboxes before engaging in some hand to glans combat in the future. Their actions, however, highlighted the problem I discussed above—what if they hadn’t taken those precautions?

To make a long story short, I made one mistake by not being explicit about my reasons for writing the article, and I made another by not being upfront about the fact that I like applying the hand brake as much as the next guy. For those I apologize, but I do not in any way regret publishing the article. This incident highlighted a gap in the College’s ability to aid its students in criticizing its own decisions, and it showed that the unregulated nature of fiddling the flesh flute can create potentially dangerous situations in which the students cannot meet their deadlines. Those reasons alone made it worth publishing.

THE MUCK-RAKE INVESTIGATES: Peter Uvin, Masturbator?

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(deputymetroeditor)– At 9:56pm on Thursday, February 20, I emailed Provost Peter Uvin a list of questions in hopes that his answers would help me write an article for an unfunded, highly controversial online student publication.

At 11:35pm, I received an email back. What was Uvin doing in the meantime?

Rather than jump to the obvious conclusion on my own, I decided to send the following email to several Amherst College administrators, including President Martin, the next afternoon:

“Dear [administrator],

Last night, I emailed Peter Uvin a list of questions related to a piece I am writing for a student publication. It took him nearly two hours to respond. I was hoping you could inform me as to whether or not he masturbated during that time period.

Thanks,

deputymetroeditor”

At the time of this writing, not one has responded. Why? Are they protecting the Provost?

Are they all masturbating at this very moment?

It’s quite possible. A 1993 study of the masturbatory habits of adult-aged Americans concluded “most… Americans over the age of 30… have… [masturbated].” Though their actions and decisions frequently suggest otherwise, the administrators of the College are indeed American adults. [ed. note: Peter Uvin is of unknown national/planetary origin]. Therefore, it is very likely that one or more College administrators is masturbating as you read this.

Neither are student leaders immune from this plague upon our institution. AAS President George Tepe ’14, whose association with masturbation was hotly debated during his campaign, also refused to comment on the matter at hand.

If you’re anything like me, the thought of all this is repulsive: leaders in our community, masturbating without approval of the student body while the College burns to the ground. There can be no justice while serial masturbators are allowed to run this institution and dominate the narrative; there can be no peace of mind while our emails remain unanswered.