1. You preregistered for “Reading Poetry” but decided to follow your heart toward a fulfilling career in medicine, necessitating an extra biology course. Dummy!
2. You didn’t think you’d have enough time to eat lunch if you took “Reading Poetry” with Richard Wilbur at 12:30. Hey fatso! Try grab n’ go next time the best poet of our goddamn generation is teaching a course. Idiot!
3. You thought you saw Richard Wilbur in Jenkins last weekend, but he was standing next to your ex, so you bolted. Stupid, stupid you!
4. Mistaking the Pulitzer prizewinner for the man who shot Alexander Hamilton, you challenged Richard Wilbur to a duel and won, without ever asking him what inspired his latest collection of poetry. You killed Richard Wilbur. You are an ignoramus!
5. You’re Zephaniah Swift Moore, first president of Amherst College, and you died before Wilbur was born. What a lack of foresight! Moron!
FROST LIBRARY, Amherst, MA — Students with pure, untainted hearts were ecstatic today when Frost Library unveiled its new collection of books that can only be seen through eyes unburdened by visions of sins long past.
“We polled hundreds of students before we introduced them to the main library, and they all said they could see the books,” said Michael Kelley, Head of Archives and Special Collections at Frost Library. “We have confidence that Amherst Students are free of unclean thoughts or inclinations toward wickedness.”
“Those who believe in the magic of reading will find it at their fingertips,” he added.
When asked of her opinion of the new collection, Sandra McGovernor ’18 had this to say: “Yeah, I like that one,” she said, gesturing to a book written in Chinese but perceptible only to those who sleep soundly, fearing no evil. When asked if she could read Chinese, she added: “Just kidding, but I can totally see them, if that’s what you’re asking. That’s what you’re asking, right?”
One student, Ronald Brown ’15, opposed the new collection. “I can’t see them,” he said, probably while looking around for something to steal, “I don’t think anyone else can either.”
At the time of this writing, he has been referred to the campus psychologist so that she may reveal what evil lays dormant in his soul.
ROBERT FROST LIBRARY, Amherst, MA — Emotions reached a fever pitch at Frost Café Tuesday afternoon, following word that the campus coffee shop’s espresso machine was going on its third consecutive week of being broken.
In an impassioned press conference on Frost Balcony, sophomore and Frost Café regular Elizabeth Kirkpatrick ’17 relayed the toll the broken machine has taken on her and her peers:
“I honestly just can’t even,” lamented Kirkpatrick, joined in grieving at the podium by a coalition of fellow pearl-wearing sophomore girls. “I need my daily decaf soy latte to survive psych class. I literally couldn’t even bring myself to check my Instagram this morning, much less to post a funny #transformationtuesday of my friend Tiffany, who was kind of fat in middle school.”
Frost Café barista Tony Esposito has refused to speak to the press since the espresso crisis began, but sources close to Esposito have told the Muck-Rake that the Café boss and honorary degree recipient is “just trying to stay low and keep moving.”