VALENTINE HALL, Amherst, Ma. – In the wake of recent administrative scandals, student activist Amy Graham ’14 announced a hunger strike immediately upon entering Val this evening.
“I saw a line for jambalaya and just hit my breaking point. I’ve had it up to here with this bullshit!” she told reporters. “How long will I go? Who knows. Maybe until Chicken Wing Bar. Maybe all the way until Kielbasa night. Maybe until this administration shapes the fuck up!”
Some have questioned Graham’s commitment to her hunger strike. Predicted Mindy Baxter ’14, self-identified “friend” of Graham’s, “she’ll totally be at Scwhemm’s later.”
“All I know,” concluded Graham to an astonished front-room audience, “is that we don’t know the real reason for Larimore’s resignation, and that nothing tastes as good as not eating blackened catfish feels.”
AMHERST, Ma. – In the wake of the expanding scandal now known as “Valgate,” President Martin has defended her decision to fire staffer James “Jim” Larimore over his alleged involvement in a deliberate effort to create a traffic bottleneck in Val earlier today by closing all lines except the Lighter Side serving station.
An email thread released this afternoon shows Larimore writing to fellow staffer Patricia O’Hara, “Time for a traffic jam in Val.” O’Hara responded, “Got it.”
O’Hara later wrote to Larimore expressing concern that students were unable to both eat and get to class on time after waiting in lines that stretched to Keefe Campus Center: “I feel bad for the kids.” Larimore replied, “They are the children of Williams alumni.”
President Martin, although acknowledging this lunch hour’s extreme line lengths, denied knowledge of a deliberate effort to disrupt service in Val.
When questioned about the impact that “Valgate” might have on her reputation as a bully and her possible bid for the college presidency of Harvard, Martin called the reporter an “idiot” and told him to “mind [his] own fucking business and keep [his] nose out of other people’s shit.”
While the controversy has some student leaders up in arms, a few eye-witness reports indicate that today’s unusually long lines may be due to nothing more than a shortage of Egg McCharlies.
AMHERST, Ma. – Following on the heels of Valentine Dining Hall’s much-beloved “Thanksgiving Dinner” night, Dining Services has announced a festive new option for students on the move this Thanksgiving. “We know that the busy students of today might not have time in their schedules to go home and have a traditional Thanksgiving dinner with their families,” explained Director of Dining Services Charlie Thompson in a Muck-Rake exclusive interview, “so we created ‘All You Can Grab-N-Go’ with all of you in mind.”
The new dining option, which students may choose instead of the usual turkey dinner in the warmth and comfort of their own homes, will allow students to grab as many of the ordinary Grab-N-Go offerings as they like, so long as they remain “physically capable of going” in the process. “You want eight yogurt cups? 14 bags of Harvest Cheddar Sun Chips? All the Coastal Road coffee you can drink?” a visibly excited Thompson asked the Muck-Rake staff rhetorically. “If you can go with it, you can grab it.”
Torin Moore, Director of Residential Life, was similarly excited for the new offering. According to Moore, “through a not-at-all-questionable partnership with All College, Inc., the College has procured hundreds of storage boxes and laundry bags to help students make the most of their Thanksgiving Grab-N-Go experience. Fill up a bag or box with food, and remember All College, Inc. next time you’re doing laundry or moving out!”
Dining Services has confirmed that the Grab-N-Go sandwich staple Roast Turkey with Aged White Cheddar on a Multigrain Roll will not be served.
AMHERST, Ma. – Likely due to a shortage of cups, Dining Services has released more cups. The new cup design, hailed as “blue” and “different, I guess,” was apparently introduced during the lunch hour this past Tuesday. Asked to comment on the new cups, English major Alison Vey ’15 responded, “Are they?” before confirming, “Oh, they are,” while Tony Ortega ’14, member of the Outing Club, praised them as “cleaner.”
Dean Larimore expressed high hopes for the cups, citing the success of similar measures at Dartmouth. True to Larimore’s predictions, cup supplies have been at an all time high since the release of the new batch of cups. And while some students have noted that the new cups “make milk look kind of weird” and “might not stack the same,” they seem to serve their purpose about as well as the old ones.
The new cups appear to be unrelated to reports of increased numbers of white mugs in Val, which most sources agree were “probably always there” and “obviously for tea.”