Crack Team Assembles to Fix the Ice Cream Machine Once and For All

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Some things will never be understood. Who built the pyramids? Where do birds come from? Well, fear no more: one of history’s great mysteries is about to be solved. The Val Ice Cream Machine is about to be fixed, once and for all.

The cream of the crop is here to cream this crop and stop that cream from cropping up where we don’t want it. That’s right, the cream team has arrived. Bullshit you say? More like bull’s milk, of the same ilk, as cow’s milk (iced cream). It’s the crème de la crème, here to restart the clock on Big Ben, and by that I mean fix this damn machine.

Soon it’ll be all peaches and cream, or rather, pernil al horno and cream. Get in the queue because it’s time to suckle one by one at the teet of Mother Milk. And oh baby am I gonna milk it for all it’s worth.

I’m out of order? No, you’re out of order, ice cream machine. In fact, I do have an order and it’s “one ice cream please.” Can you make that happen? Didn’t think so.

Still not fixed? How is that possible? Isn’t this a brand new machine? The tease of Madagascar Vanilla is enough to make me cream my jeans, and believe me I would if I could if this machine were in order. But I can’t, so I shan’t. And that’s the Amherst way.

Good luck team. We’ll be rooting for you.

Top 5 Signs You Totally Missed Your Chance to Meet Richard Wilbur

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1You preregistered for “Reading Poetry” but decided to follow your heart toward a fulfilling career in medicine, necessitating an extra biology course. Dummy!

2. You didn’t think you’d have enough time to eat lunch if you took “Reading Poetry” with Richard Wilbur at 12:30. Hey fatso! Try grab n’ go next time the best poet of our goddamn generation is teaching a course. Idiot!

3. You thought you saw Richard Wilbur in Jenkins last weekend, but he was standing next to your ex, so you bolted. Stupid, stupid you!

4. Mistaking the Pulitzer prizewinner for the man who shot Alexander Hamilton, you challenged Richard Wilbur to a duel and won, without ever asking him what inspired his latest collection of poetry. You killed Richard Wilbur. You are an ignoramus!

5. You’re Zephaniah Swift Moore, first president of Amherst College, and you died before Wilbur was born. What a lack of foresight! Moron!

Better luck next time!

SHEs Offer New Val-based Sex Toy Workshop

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AMHERST, Ma. – The Amherst College Student Health Educators (SHEs) have announced their latest workshop, “Hot, Long-awaited, and Flavorless: Valentine Sex Toys.” The workshop, which only recently received approval to leave the trial stage, aims to serve the lower-income population of Amherst, who have in the past struggled to gather the necessary supplies for the SHEs’ original sex toy workshop.

The new sex toys make use of materials ranging from bagels to social mugs to a modification of a Val classic, the Apple Fork. The workshop itself will highlight uses of Val supplies to promote safe sex; notable additions include panini paper dental dams and hummus spermicide. BDSM practitioners will also learn tips for pleasing, or horrifying, their partners through Noodle Bar Intimidation.

Valentine staff have denounced the move, citing that stolen Val silverware and dishes have already cost the dining hall more than $50,000 this year alone. Their official complaint came in the form of a passive aggressive note bundled with candy placed in students’ mailboxes, which announced, “Your foreplay will cost Val over a hundred grand, money that could be better spent on sushi, fruit or a flat-screen for our break-room.”

Students have been mostly unsympathetic to Val’s complaints. Many have argued that offering better food would remedy the problem, as most end up overindulging their sexual appetite to satisfy their physical hunger

“I’d much rather have popped cherries than fresh berries!” said likely virgin Henry Thurst ’17 while stocking up on pineapple slices and disposable plastic spoons.

The SHEs’ new course is also struggling to gain traction with more ecological and health-minded students. Concerns over BPA presence in Val plastics have left some students worried for their sex health.

“All of our toys are completely compostable and safe for the environment,” said junior SHE Alicia Tarry ’16. “Likewise, fear of unnatural toxins can be a great motivator for safe sex— the mystery really sets the mood for the night. And remember, you can always get yourself tested for post-coital mercury poisoning in the Health Center!”

Val Enacts One-Plate Policy During Overcrowded Chinese Cuisine Night

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After months of speculation, Val officially decided Tuesday that it will introduce a one-plate policy to combat overeating and overcrowded lines during the busiest of cuisine dinners, sources within the Dining Services Committee confirmed.

“The one-plate policy will promote harmony and orderliness,” said Charlie Thompson, Director of Dining Services. “The society of Amherst endorses these virtues.”

Many students have expressed support for the move. “Given the way our eating habits can affect the environment, [restricting students to one plate of food] ensures sustainability,” noted Francisco Castilla ’18. “And the lines are way too fucking long,” he added.

Still, some students voiced serious concerns about the decision. “I don’t trust the administration to run this system fairly,” said Dennis Theoronite ’16.  “What if Val starts giving special ‘two-plate’ coupons, or preferential line treatment, in exchange for bribes?”

Nevertheless, some students have quickly learned to maximize the one-plate policy to full effect. “I used to get one plate of veggies and one plate of meat,” explained varsity Track member Charles Mezey ’16. “But now that I can only have one plate, I gotta go with just one plate of the sesame chicken wings. I need something robust for support through the night, when I may grow hungry and tired.”

Thompson was quick to deflect criticism of the new strategy. “The Dining Services Committee has only the interests of the students at heart,” he explained to press. “It is for this reason that there is no need for rival dining committees.”

Grab-N-Go to Offer Classes for the Busy Student

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AMHERST, Ma. – In an effort to make classes more convenient for busy students, Dining Services has announced plans to expand their Grab-N-Go program to include ready-made classes.

“Lifestyles are changing,” said Director of Dining Services Charlie Thompson. “And Amherst students don’t have always have time for class like they used to.”

The program, Thompson went on to explain, would follow the successful model of Grab-N-Go lunch services. “Students will be able to choose one main lecture of 15 minutes,” said Thompson. “Then they’ll also be able to choose three side lectures of 5 minutes each, plus one homework assignment.”  If students attend class on a given day, they will be locked out of the Grab-N-Go lecture services until the following day. “This just helps make sure people aren’t gaming the system by trying to get too much knowledge,” said Thompson.

Students have voiced near-unanimous approval for the move. “The classes at Grab-N-Go will be so much better than regular classes,” said Francis Teelon ’15. “In regular classes, you have to sit for hours. Grab-N-Go classes promote an active lifestyle, and I’m into that.”

Still, some have been critical of the decision. “What used to make Amherst so great was that we just had one place where you would see everyone, everyday. That place was class,” said Sasha Bagration-Mukhranskii ’17. “But now, people don’t always go to class like they used to, so I just feel like I never see them anymore.”

Professors have had mixed feelings about the Grab-N-Go lectures. Some argue that the structure may disrupt the learning process. “In a five minute course, it’s hard to explain some of the complicated concepts associated with Neoliberalism,” said Associate Professor of Law, Jurisprudence, and Social Thought Adam Sitze. “I just worry my students will leave with the wrong idea, especially if they attend Professor Kingston’s ‘Introduction to Economics’ as one of their sides. Or, god forbid, their main course.”

Still, some professors see the move in a more positive light. “This will help students learn to get the point and pick up material quickly,” said Austin Sarat. “I plan to cancel my regular classes, and to only teach Grab-N-Go lectures.”

But Dining Services is primarily concerned with giving more options to its students. “Students are Amherst are always busy,” said Charlie Thompson. “Between homework, classes, and extracurriculars, who has time for classes?”

Five Years Later: Remembering the Val Grilled Chicken Tragedy

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THE MUCK-RAKE CENTER, Amherst, MA — Today marks the fifth anniversary of the now infamous “Valentine Grilled Chicken Experiment.” The seemingly innocuous experiment, conducted by Amherst psychology major Wayne Meyers ’09, involved studying the effects on diners when grilled chicken was made unavailable.

The setup was simple: grilled chicken would remain posted on the menu, but the trough would be continuously empty. If asked, Val workers were told to assure diners that the chicken would be ready in “about ten minutes.” However, due to a horrendous series of coincidences, flaws, and overlooked factors, the experiment resulted in perhaps one of the greatest humanitarian tragedies in Valentine Dining Hall history. The Muck-Rake’s team has uncovered the original journal, with complete entries, from the experiment. We post them here today not only as an act of remembrance, but also as a warning to future psychology majors to never tamper with an athlete’s protein.

What follows are the original entries taken verbatim from Wayne Meyers’ journal:

4:30 – Gates open. Obviously, no students yet—not even the elderly dine this early.

4:55 – A couple dozens students have filtered in. A few mild complaints about chicken. Some students wait, but none more than five minutes. Most take deli meat instead.

5:15 – Increased diner flow and increased irritation. Several utterances of “classic Val” and “so fucking stupid,” but most diners don’t really seem to care.

5:34 – Freshman dropped his tray on his way to the front room. Three bean chili everywhere. Hilarious. Unrelated to experiment.

5:46 – Diner volume increasing steadily now. Many diners becoming more indignant. Longer line forming at lighter side. Val workers appear increasingly stressed.

5:58 – Deli meats running low. Val chefs tell me there’s little left in fridge.

6:07 – Sports teams beginning to arrive post-practice. Lighter side line swelling to record length. General unhappiness is palpable. Traditional side (Noodle Bar) is seeing some begrudging traffic.

6:12 – Noodle Bar out of all protein-based toppings. Pizza running low. Deli meats gone. Several patrons becoming enraged. One says loudly, “Are you serious?! This is fucking ridiculous!” Many in the line nod heads in agreement. More athletes are arriving post-practice.

6:18 – All meat-based protein is exhausted. No diced chicken in the salad line. No non-vegetarian toppings left at noodle bar. Line is disintegrating, becoming a crowd. One val worker is crying. Several altercations between members of different sports teams.

6:23 – General disruption and clamor. The entire serving area is packed. Only fragmented words and phrases are distinguishable: “Macros,” “fuck Val,” “protein,” “starving,” “fuck salads,” “out of everything,” “fuck this,” “I hate everything,” etc., alongside various guttural noises.

6:29 – Athletes have coalesced into team-mobs. Most non-athletes have fled. Fighting is breaking out among the teams. Unsure if it’s safe to remain.

6:30 – Val workers have fled. Chaos erupting in serving area. Campus police have been called.

6:31 – Val gates have been closed to contain the violence. Unintentionally creating thunderdome-like effect within serving area. Teams are attacking each other with cutlery and bowls. The track team is attempting to run away, but there is nowhere to run.

6:32 – The lax and tennis teams are in an all-out brawl near the cereal bar. Blood is spattered on the Lucky Charms.

6:33 – The football team is eating the soccer team.

6:34 – Campus police have arrived, but are unsure of what to do.

6:36 – Campus police have decided to let the rioters “wear themselves out.”

6:37 – The football team is eating the hockey team.

6:45 – Violence continues, though some appear to be tiring.

6:58 – Most rioters are either dead or no longer hungry. Bloodshed diminishing.

7:10 – Val gates opened by police. Survivors file out. Some grab dessert (zucchini spice cake).

7:30 – Val gates closed.

Dining Services Adds Exciting New Options: Bacon Avocado Sandwiches, Poison

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VALENTINE DINING HALL, Amherst, MA — In it’s efforts to increase student satisfaction with Valentine, Dining Services has announced two new options that will be available this week: the acclaimed bacon avocado sandwich, and cyanide, the poison most able to snuff out a human life.

In a brief press conference, Dining Services said they hoped that the Amherst student’s discerning taste buds will appreciate the crisp, flavorful bacon’s interaction with fresh-picked avocados—inspected for quality by dining services staff—just as much as they appreciate the cyanide, located adjacent to the balsamic vinaigrette, and its almost instant lethality.

The earliest students in line for the offerings reported great satisfaction with the rich, savory taste of the bacon avocado sandwich, while the final smiles of the cyanide-testers betrayed an infinitely simpler happiness at having finally shuffled off this mortal coil.

“We want to increase your options here at Valentine Dining Hall, especially since there aren’t many others on campus,” continued Charles G. Thompson, director of Dining Services, with a chuckle. “So we’ve decided to offer a sandwich with locally sourced bacon and avocados, lettuce from our very own Book and Plow, and all on a freshly baked bun; in addition to what could be considered the most radical freedom, the ultimate choice: the ability to deny being subject to the constant coercion of your own animal instincts of self-preservation.”

“Oh, the sweetness of the abyss! And bacon avocado!” he added.