Crack Team Assembles to Fix the Ice Cream Machine Once and For All

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Some things will never be understood. Who built the pyramids? Where do birds come from? Well, fear no more: one of history’s great mysteries is about to be solved. The Val Ice Cream Machine is about to be fixed, once and for all.

The cream of the crop is here to cream this crop and stop that cream from cropping up where we don’t want it. That’s right, the cream team has arrived. Bullshit you say? More like bull’s milk, of the same ilk, as cow’s milk (iced cream). It’s the crème de la crème, here to restart the clock on Big Ben, and by that I mean fix this damn machine.

Soon it’ll be all peaches and cream, or rather, pernil al horno and cream. Get in the queue because it’s time to suckle one by one at the teet of Mother Milk. And oh baby am I gonna milk it for all it’s worth.

I’m out of order? No, you’re out of order, ice cream machine. In fact, I do have an order and it’s “one ice cream please.” Can you make that happen? Didn’t think so.

Still not fixed? How is that possible? Isn’t this a brand new machine? The tease of Madagascar Vanilla is enough to make me cream my jeans, and believe me I would if I could if this machine were in order. But I can’t, so I shan’t. And that’s the Amherst way.

Good luck team. We’ll be rooting for you.

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Top 5 Signs You Totally Missed Your Chance to Meet Richard Wilbur

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1You preregistered for “Reading Poetry” but decided to follow your heart toward a fulfilling career in medicine, necessitating an extra biology course. Dummy!

2. You didn’t think you’d have enough time to eat lunch if you took “Reading Poetry” with Richard Wilbur at 12:30. Hey fatso! Try grab n’ go next time the best poet of our goddamn generation is teaching a course. Idiot!

3. You thought you saw Richard Wilbur in Jenkins last weekend, but he was standing next to your ex, so you bolted. Stupid, stupid you!

4. Mistaking the Pulitzer prizewinner for the man who shot Alexander Hamilton, you challenged Richard Wilbur to a duel and won, without ever asking him what inspired his latest collection of poetry. You killed Richard Wilbur. You are an ignoramus!

5. You’re Zephaniah Swift Moore, first president of Amherst College, and you died before Wilbur was born. What a lack of foresight! Moron!

Better luck next time!

[SPONSORED] Is All College Study Abroad Right For You?

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For many Amherst College students, the decision to study abroad is the most important one they will make during their entire college career. For others, the decision to not study abroad is their single biggest regret. Are you considering studying abroad, but nervous at the prospect of having to fill out an application, or navigate life in a foreign country,  or “study” while abroad? If so, All College Study Abroad may be the right fit for you.

All College Study Abroad is a cutting edge study abroad program tailored to fit the needs of the modern Amherst College student. To apply, just download the official All College Study Abroad App from the App Store (Android not yet supported) and install it on your iOS device.

That’s it. You’re in.

From there, the app will take care of everything, letting you experience foreign cultures without any of the stress.  Booking your trip to Munich for Oktoberfest? Finding the best place to stand for a picture of you propping up the Leaning Tower of Pisa? How to say “turn down for what” in French? All taken care of. Just pop in your headphones first thing every morning, and the app will give you a perfect guided audio tour of all of the European landmarks you just have to see. And if you’re nervous about what to do when you get to those landmarks, our All College Social Media Helpline is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, ready to provide the perfect Instagram caption at a moment’s notice.

The app also features integrated Yelp© Nightlife reviews, for when it’s time to unwind after all of that sightseeing.

And your course load? Well, don’t worry about that. Seriously. You’ll be fine.

As of now, All College Study Abroad is only available in Prague, with plans to expand to Rome and Barcelona by the end of 2016.

[SPONSORED] Amherst College Laundry Expands Services to Dressing, Spoonfeeding

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Dear Amherst Students:

Any college-aged student comes to understand certain realities about student life; in particular, given your busy rotation of homework, exercise, and socializing, that dressing and feeding yourself can be the last things you want to worry about.

To help free up some of your time, All College Laundry offers two especially efficient and practical programs: Pamper’s Soft and Here Comes the Choo-Choo Train. Here’s how it works:

  1. Leave your dirty diapers on the floor.
    Choose from cloth or disposable!
  2. At-your-door pick up.
    Ride to Val in style in a custom-fit baby carriage.
  3. Spoonfeeding.
    All food comes pre-chewed!
  4. Who’s a big boy?
    You are.

All College Laundry has a proven record of top-quality service to Amherst College students. We hope that you will consider giving up any sense of shame and letting yourself be coddled into your twenties.

If you have any questions, please contact us at (888) GOO-GAGA or tmoore@allcollegelaundry.com.

Best Regards,

All College Laundry

Election Watch: Ahmed Fraternizing with “Back Room Undesirables”

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THE BACK ROOM OF VAL, Amherst, Ma. – Amani Ahmed ’15, candidate for AAS President, was reportedly “hanging out” in the back room of Valentine Dining Hall yesterday when varsity athlete Stephen Hardy ’17, a major donor to her campaign, went off on a now-controversial rant that has gone viral after being caught on video tape. The “fucking Melvins” video, as it is now known, has threatened Ahmed’s ability to maintain her voting base and left many wondering whether she will recover before polls close tonight.

Hardy, an Amherst baseball player and alleged Amherst student, railed against “NARPS, nerds, GDIs, Biddy Martin, Barista Tony, Egg McCharlies,” and several other subjects that Front-Roomers, a key demographic for Ahmed, hold dear. “It’s not ‘Terras Irradient,‘ it’s ‘Tear ass and make your lift,'” shouted Hardy at the conclusion of his rant, “Seriously, fuck these fucking Melvins. I hate this place. Hardy, out.” The Muck-Rake regrets that the rest of the tirade is not appropriate for our family friendly audience.

Stephen Yee ’15, spokesman for the Crane campaign, explained why Ahmed’s association with Hardy and undesirables like him is devastating for her campaign: “Amani was back there [in the back room] for four consecutive hours yesterday. Does she go to class? I don’t know. What was she doing back there? I don’t know. I usually just get my drinks and then speed walk out of there. Those people terrify me. But clearly they don’t scare Ms. Ahmed, and that makes me question her loyalty to the real students at this College.”

Ahmed’s connections to “the back room” allegedly extend back at least two years, with accounts of conversations between the candidate and fraternity members, varsity athletes, and other campus undesirables cropping up as early as her first-year orientation. Her persistent presence in “the back room” has led some to question whether Ahmed herself is in an all-male underground  fraternity.

“Concerns about Amani being in a frat are totally unsubstantiated and laughable,” said Jeremiah Wright ’16, an Ahmed for President campaign staffer. “She doesn’t drink. She’s never had a sip of [cool, refreshing Miller Genuine Draft] in her life. And she cares too much about this community to hide anything from it. She was outraged and saddened by Mr. Hardy’s words and has since cut all ties from that particular table.”

The Muck-Rake Appreciates: The Cool, Refreshing Taste of Miller Genuine Draft

Screen shot 2014-04-01 at 8.48.49 PMAMHERST, Ma. – Delivering hard-hitting journalism specific to the Amherst area is tough work, and nothing feels as good after a day of tough work as the thirst-quenching flavor of cold-filtered Miller Genuine Draft™. An evening in our news offices just isn’t complete without an ice-cold six-pack of America’s draft beer in a bottleand we can’t imagine trying to write a story without a bottle of Miller Genuine Draft at our side.

That’s why we appreciate Miller Genuine Draft, and why you should appreciate it too. Its crisp, smooth taste has set an American standard for generations, and it’s now available with all the convenience that comes with a bottle or can. So next time you’re looking for the fresh flavor experience of draft beer in your own home or place of work, look no further than Miller Genuine Draft—a beer Amherst can believe in.