Crack Team Assembles to Fix the Ice Cream Machine Once and For All


Some things will never be understood. Who built the pyramids? Where do birds come from? Well, fear no more: one of history’s great mysteries is about to be solved. The Val Ice Cream Machine is about to be fixed, once and for all.

The cream of the crop is here to cream this crop and stop that cream from cropping up where we don’t want it. That’s right, the cream team has arrived. Bullshit you say? More like bull’s milk, of the same ilk, as cow’s milk (iced cream). It’s the crème de la crème, here to restart the clock on Big Ben, and by that I mean fix this damn machine.

Soon it’ll be all peaches and cream, or rather, pernil al horno and cream. Get in the queue because it’s time to suckle one by one at the teet of Mother Milk. And oh baby am I gonna milk it for all it’s worth.

I’m out of order? No, you’re out of order, ice cream machine. In fact, I do have an order and it’s “one ice cream please.” Can you make that happen? Didn’t think so.

Still not fixed? How is that possible? Isn’t this a brand new machine? The tease of Madagascar Vanilla is enough to make me cream my jeans, and believe me I would if I could if this machine were in order. But I can’t, so I shan’t. And that’s the Amherst way.

Good luck team. We’ll be rooting for you.

Farmer Pete Tasked with Saving So-Cal Amherst Students from Chilly Weather


Amherst, MA – Explaining that the explosion in population of students hailing from California in recent years has brought unique challenges, Dean of Students Alex Vasquez unveiled a new initiative Thursday morning to address problems caused by the temperate climate of the college.

“While the college has welcomed the geographic diversity and new perspectives these students provide, last year we lost a significant portion of our Southern California students due to sub-freezing temperatures,” relayed Vasquez, “and we’d rather not see that happen again. So this year, I thought to myself, ‘who’s good at protecting things from frost?’ And of course, farmer Pete came to mind.”

“Oranges have the same problem,” explained Book & Plow “Farmer” Pete McLean. “At temperatures below freezing, they just can’t survive. This So-Cal crop, they’re not built for this environment—they’re an imported species. They have to be protected from the weather until they’re ready to be shipped back home for winter break.”

McLean went on to explain that in the citrus industry, farmers spray their crops with water to insulate them. “I’m doing the same thing, except, instead of using water, I’m spraying them with kombucha. So far, it’s been extremely effective.”

As for the students staying on campus over interterm, McLean has already started preparations. “For them,” McLean goes on, “we’ll have to take more long-term preservative measures. They’ll be wrapped in protective tarp for several days at a time, with plenty of human contact—I plan on talking to each of them for at least five minutes a day. In the dead of winter, I’ll remind them what the sun is like. Maybe I’ll sing Beach Boys songs to them. Anything to keep them from getting too depressed and withering.”

If proven effective over the entirety of the winter, McLean plans to expand the program next year to include Caribbean and Floridian students.