Live Blog: BLACKOUT Frost Sit-in

sit in at frost

PC: Andrew Drinkwater

12:45 – Line is forming out the door as hundreds await their chance to voice their mind and concerns about racism in higher education.

12:53: Junior Erika Flambert begins to share her experience, and is promptly shushed, as it is not yet time.

12:56: People begin to file in, each getting their “Ally” stamp.

1:00: The Blackout event begins, and the students leading the event take attendance. Attendance is paltry.

1:02: Dean Epstein draws the short straw.

1:05: First-Year Cameron Campbell wonders if she will do the black dress, or the black leggings and blouse.

1:12: The fashionably late begin to file in.

1:17: First-Year Cameron Campbell wonders if black lipstick is a bit too much.

1:22: Students begin to share their experiences, and receive glares from people working in Frost Cafe.

1:34: Amherst College republicans arrive, carrying casket containing free speech, and offer to deliver eulogy.

1:47: Sophomore Alan Keezer walks in to print out a reading, cannot leave so as not to appear racist.

1:58: Amir Hall ’17 melts our hearts.

2:06: Paramedics arrive to resuscitate those whose hearts were melted by Amir Hall ’17.

2:13: Biddy Martin watches Season 2, Episode 7 of “Friends” on Netflix.

2:25: The profile pictures begin changing.

2:32: Racism is explained to the lacrosse team.

2:47: Conservative first year Jack Smith is trapped in A-Level after printing out more free speech fliers.

3:20: Librarian canned for shushing students having loud, enthusiastic conversation about race. “I wasn’t trying to make a statement or anything… it’s just second nature,” said the racist librarian.

3:36: Biddy Martin can’t decide between taking a nap or re-watching her favorite episode of “Friends”, “The One Where No-One’s Ready.”

3:42: Kid studying who isn’t on social media conveniently wears his black northface. He just goes with the flow as people start solemnly piling in next to him.

3:54: Many note that Frost is a low-key great place to mack right now.

4:10: Prospective students wanders into Frost. Put off by large class size.

4:13: Biddy Martin warms up some hot pockets she found in the freezer yesterday.

4:20: Stoners lament that racial tension is so high, but they are not.

4:34: The fashionably woke begin to file in.

4:44: Make a wish!

4:52: Two people with conflicting experiences settle it in the only way Amherst students can: single combat.

5:02: Lazy Junior Sam Fifer notes that this is the longest he’s ever spent in frost in one sitting.

5:13: Sophomore who deleted his facebook thinks he just walked into an emo pizza scavenger hunt.

5:22: All students of color approached to begin small group discussions, despite how able they are to lead small group discussions.

5:41: Muck-Rake liveblogger realizes that only people not at the event will be reading this, and should adjust journalistic lens to match that.

5:42: Why do people need to talk about race when a black president has been elected? #AC4FreeSpeech

5:48: I’ve never been racist, and my father’s hedge fund hires black people all the time! #AC4FreeSpeech

6:02: Why would we want to get rid of racism? Until 1865, it was the biggest job-creator in the nation! #AC4FreeSpeech

6:10: Muck-Rake liveblogger is physically disgusted with himself, and decides to change his journalistic lens again.

6:14: Student who missed class this morning due to “sickness” is trying to cough convincingly while speaking to professor about social justice.

6:21: Senior chooses apple pie at Val over solidarity with students of color. “I’m sure they’ll understand,” she said, pouring soft-serve over her dessert.

6:32: Lax team finally understands racism, never has to think about it ever again.

6:43: Pizza makes all the difficulty of race dialogue melt away in a mixture of cheese and tomato.

6:47: Back room Val “Sit in” enters record 9th slice of pie.

6:52: Black student struggles to come up with more experiences to share to a sea of expectant faces.

7:01: Student torn between desire to show solidarity by remaining seated and  standing up to relieve horrible, horrible pins and needles feeling in left leg.

7:12: Grab-n-Go shows racial solidarity in the only way it knows how: Bacon Avocado sandwiches.

7:25: The perfect time to finally make moves on that cute first-year that’s into social justice.

7:35: Student’s video makes it onto “Somber Discussions about race” snap story.

7:42: “Free food in Frost!” – Senior who was in C-level this whole time.

7:53: Biddy Martin shakes Japanese flight attendant to tell the pilot to “go faster,” then wakes up from her hot pocket-induced fever dream.

8:00: Racial solidarity raffle winners announced.

8:08: Campus Republican puts the final touches on mental rebuttal to the experiences of fellow students.

8:13: Guy walks away with jacket full of Bacon Avocado sandwiches, fancy chips, and apples.

8:22: First person ever takes notice of display case in lobby of Frost.

8:31: Front window of Frost covered in greasy fingerprints. Further evidence liberals don’t wash hands.

8:43: Student who stayed at protest for 20 minutes writes email to professor explaining why he can’t take his econ test tomorrow.

8:54: Biddy commences shaking in her boots.

9:02: Shruti Badri ’16 defends India’s war record, to critical acclaim.

9:11: Siena Eileen ’17 speaks to the issue of invisibility of Asian student issues; I just wish I could have seen her from my seat in the back corner.

9:23: Abbas Shah ’18 discusses the extra burdens placed on international students; is assured he does not need a visa to remain in our hearts and minds.

9:34: David Zhang ’17 explains the culture shock he experienced with the American sense of humor; with that in mind, this update will not feature a joke.

9:46: The list of demands is completed, and deliberations about who gets to read which demand begin.

9:54: Biddy Martin arrives, having woken up from her nap in the car.

10:03: The order of demand readers is finalized.

10:11: Athri Ranganathan ’16 revels in the ability to say “fuck” in front of Biddy Martin.

10:13: Lerato, Sanyu, and Katyana are honored at the attempt at a chant, but since none happened, agree to do one backstage amongst themselves.

10:22: The organizers begin to read their demands.

10:24: People learn about all types of racism and exclusion they never tried before, and start to get ideas.

10:32: Lord Jeff’s spirit cries out in pain of being officially exorcised from the Amherst College Student body.

10:42: The list of demands is completed, and President Martin appears disappointed that they did not request an immediate performance of an original song and dance, as she had been preparing one.

10:44:  Students get to learn about the cool organizations they attended once, and never again.

10:47: The Muck-Rake, though present for the entire afternoon, is excluded from the list of campus groups present. The exclusion stings just as it did in middle school gym class.

10:56: Biddy Martin wonders if she left the oven on.

11:02: Biddy agrees to look over the demands before signing it in front of a thousand angry students, preferring instead to consult a thousand angry alumni.

11:06: Three students agree to go on hunger strike, to end whenever.

11:07: The students have released the conditions under which they will end their strike, and they are as follows:

11:11: If everyone wishes for racial harmony, it might come true!

11:23: Everyone wonders which filter makes solidarity pop more.

11:36: The sit-in continues  while people go to their rooms and wonder what they’re going to do with all the time they have now that others have worked to get classes cancelled.

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Campus Republicans Lead Campaign for White Ice Awareness

allicematters

AMHERST, Ma. – Following warnings from administrators to be cautious of black ice, the Amherst College Republicans issued a press statement announcing their intention to start a white ice awareness campaign.

“We feel like white ice has been underrepresented in campus communications, publications, and general sentimentation. We demand a re-evaluation of this misrepresentation lest we suffer the devaluation of a large population of this fine campus nation,” read the statement released in the wake of rampant ice risks.

The campaign, the statement went on, “will encourage student awareness to the dangers of white ice, which also poses some risk of slipping.”

Whereas black ice typically poses far greater risks because of its limited visibility on pavement, white ice can provide its own unique challenges—namely, its tendency to be both cold and wet and the same time, and its capacity to make socks soggy.

“This is ridiculous,” junior ACVoice contributor Henrietta Greenwood declared in an email correspondence with the Muck-Rake. “Everyone sees white ice. Everyone knows about white ice. Heck, we usually just call it ‘ice.’ And that’s the problem right there.”

“To all the naysayers,” campus Republican representative Stephen Broadstott wrote in a 250-word Facebook status update, “I would just like to point out that white ice is actually the biggest cause of slips and falls. And no, this isn’t some kind of white-black race thing. That would be juvenile and dumb.”

Poll: Why Aren’t YOU at the Day of Dialogue Right Now

day of dialogue

Listen, I Totally Understand: an Op-Ed by Your Black Lives Matter Profile Picture

BLM

Your Black Lives Matter Profile Picture, Contributing Writer

Listen—I get it. No, really. I totally understand.

We’ve been together for three weeks now. Three weeks of awareness, of joy, of pain, and of, what, 67 likes? But I get it. We’ve had our ups and downs, and nothing lasts forever. You want to move on, and I totally understand that.

I’m not upset! So what if we took a powerful stand against racism and extrajudicial violence together? And so what if we got more likes than your last three profile pictures combined? When your friends see that you’ve moved on from me on their newsfeeds, I’m sure they won’t think your new picture is trivial and stupid in comparison. They probably know that this is just a part of life. These things come and go.

You took a picture with your friends during Homecoming Weekend. You don’t have to lie, I’ve seen it. You guys look super cute in it! With your hot chocolate and schnapps and Amherst sweaters. Really cool and original, seriously! I would completely understand if that’s what’s next for you. Definitely not a downgrade.

I’m happy for you! I really am. No, really. I’m not just saying that.

I mean, I’ll always be a part of your online presence. Any time somebody scrolls through your profile pictures, they’ll see me there. Our time together is crystallized. I’ll be there to remind you and your friends of the great times we shared, for the rest of your life. And that’s enough for me.

No, no, no, don’t be sorry! There’s nothing to be sorry about. I’m only crying because I’m so happy for you.

I love you.