Fatemi, Itinerant Musician Indicted on Embezzlement Charges

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Mugshots courtesy of the Hampshire County Jail.

AMHERST, Ma. – The Northwestern District Attorney’s office unveiled felony embezzlement and conspiracy charges against Amherst College Assistant Dean of Students Hannah Fatemi and traveling performer Ben Haggerty on Sunday after Haggerty admitted to a plot to siphon funds from a College account.

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College Set to Begin Scaling Back ‘Power House’ Expectations Sometime this Week

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AMHERST, Ma. – Amherst College administrators were set to begin scaling back student expectations of the college’s proposed “Power House” renovation sometime this week, dispelling notions that the school’s planned remodeling of the old power-generation plant would in any way provide the welcoming social nexus their prior announcement had implied.

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‘Amherst Student’ Celebrates Release of ‘Very Funny’ Issue

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AMHERST, Ma. – Supportive family and friends cheered the hard work and wonderful stories of the Amherst Student “staff” Wednesday after the roll-out of the “newspaper’s” April Fools edition.  “Great job,” numerous attendees told the publication’s writers over a celebratory “feast” of Chex Mix and Lorna Doones in the Student’s makeshift “newsroom” as educators urged the team to give itself “a big round of applause.”

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Reports: HanukkaPalooza Better than Julie Wiener’s Bat Mitzvah

Better than Julie's

LEWIS-SEBRING COMMONS – Several attendees at the Amherst College Hillel-sponsored HanukkahPalooza lavished the event with rave reviews, calling it better than Julie Wiener’s bat mitzvah in 2005.  ”I can’t believe I’m saying this,” said Rachel Greenbaum ’15, “but ChannukahPalooza was better that Julie Wiener’s bat mitzvah.”

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On the Grounds: Amherst Coffee

RE-PRINTED WITH PERMISSION FROM THE NEW YORKER, JUNE 6, 2012

Ignatius spends his down time trying to reconcile the early with the late Wittgenstein.

AMHERST, Ma. – I walk up to the barista, a troubled man of ambiguous age.  A perfectly groomed muffle of facial hair hides his muted expressions as he rubs the stainless steel milk frother.  I don’t see a menu anywhere in sight.  A wayward professor peers suspiciously in my direction: I haven’t seen her before.  From the vinyl stereo in the corner, anguished minor chords rumble gently; an unknown tune from an unknown psychotic.

Amherst Coffee is jostling with young anxiety.

And I’m not leaving.

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