Muck-Rake Founders Ordered Off Campus

‘Nice Work, Adam,’ Martin Sneers at Public Hearing

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Half of The Muck-Rake Completely Perplexed Why Other Half of The Muck-Rake Put Up ‘Salsa Rancho’ Banner

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AMHERST, Ma. – Half of the editors of The Amherst Muck-Rake expressed confusion Sunday as to why the other half of the venerable news source’s editorial management chose to change its website’s banner to read “Salsa Rancho’s **Spicy** Muck-Rake; Cinco de Mayo Edition.”

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Fatemi, Itinerant Musician Indicted on Embezzlement Charges

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Mugshots courtesy of the Hampshire County Jail.

AMHERST, Ma. – The Northwestern District Attorney’s office unveiled felony embezzlement and conspiracy charges against Amherst College Assistant Dean of Students Hannah Fatemi and traveling performer Ben Haggerty on Sunday after Haggerty admitted to a plot to siphon funds from a College account.

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College Set to Begin Scaling Back ‘Power House’ Expectations Sometime this Week

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AMHERST, Ma. – Amherst College administrators were set to begin scaling back student expectations of the college’s proposed “Power House” renovation sometime this week, dispelling notions that the school’s planned remodeling of the old power-generation plant would in any way provide the welcoming social nexus their prior announcement had implied.

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‘Amherst Student’ Celebrates Release of ‘Very Funny’ Issue

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AMHERST, Ma. – Supportive family and friends cheered the hard work and wonderful stories of the Amherst Student “staff” Wednesday after the roll-out of the “newspaper’s” April Fools edition.  “Great job,” numerous attendees told the publication’s writers over a celebratory “feast” of Chex Mix and Lorna Doones in the Student’s makeshift “newsroom” as educators urged the team to give itself “a big round of applause.”

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Reports: HanukkaPalooza Better than Julie Wiener’s Bat Mitzvah

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LEWIS-SEBRING COMMONS – Several attendees at the Amherst College Hillel-sponsored HanukkahPalooza lavished the event with rave reviews, calling it better than Julie Wiener’s bat mitzvah in 2005.  ”I can’t believe I’m saying this,” said Rachel Greenbaum ’15, “but ChannukahPalooza was better that Julie Wiener’s bat mitzvah.”

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