WITH GROUNDBREAKING NEW SONGS
Contributing writer Alicia Van Sant
By the time the curtains in Kirby theater rose to reveal senior Alex Ostering, the undressing sequence had already finished. Sitting, legs spread in front of the audience, Alex reached purposefully towards a nearby oil drum of Vaseline (one of 5 arranged on the stage) and began to slather up. As the lubricant was slapped rhythmically onto his thighs and toes, a 5 piece acoustic folk band appeared at stage right and began to play an original song entitled “Slip and Fall (Inside Me).” After the third banjo solo, the masturbation began in earnest. As the protagonist stared into the faces of the cringing audience members, some of them family members, Ostering masturbated furiously. After 20 minutes of merciless skin polishing, the seasoned performer launched into an uptempo ass slapping-number entitled “Ass Slap.” By this point, everybody in the audience had been brought to tears—each for a different reason.
As the curtains fell amidst a chorus of orgasmic screams, audience members were certain that this thesis deserved one thing: Summa Cum Laude.
Hollywood, CA — In what has been dubbed a dark horse win, AC Voice writer Jerald Attleburg ’17 has been awarded the 2015 Academy Award for Best Actor for his performance as a woman of color, online.
The Academy released an official statement on Monday, explaining why Attleburg beat out nominees such as Michael Keaton and Bradley Cooper saying, “Attleburg was clearly the best actor this year. His harrowing depiction of a minority female moved us all. Only a soon-to-be-declared SWAGS/BLST double-major such as himself could truly enlighten us on issues such as racism and sexism in modern America.”
Attleburg used his speech time to recognize his success as well as continue his fight for oppressed minorities.
“I’d like to thank myself for standing up for what is right. I give thanks to every woman who ever gave birth to a man who would later explain her social problems to her, to every communist non-taxpayer, to every minority whose back I stand upon in order to receive recognition. It’s our time to end the athlete-nonathlete wage gap!”
After receiving the Oscar, Attleburg posted to the AC Voice a 900-word blog post commenting on how trophy’s male form “victimizes female actors” and “pushes a pro-gold skinned agenda.”
In the blog post, he promised that his next performance will be far more subtle than his 2015 showing.
“I will be reprising an older role, the victim of a white savior complex, which affects hundreds of liberal arts students every year.”
“Listen, I wrote Cymbeline for drug money while I was strung out on coke in the 90s. That shit is NOT supposed to still be on stage. What about my hits? People love my good stuff. Even the early stuff was better. Titus Andronicus? I fucking loved that gory shit. Cymbeline is romcom, Jennifer Aniston crap I put together for a paycheck. Next question,” explained noted playwright William Shakespeare.
AMHERST, Ma. – Riffing off the chorus of Icona Pop’s hit song “I Love It”, self-proclaimed campus funnyman Arthur Lau ’16 expressed both apathy and passion in regards to all Spring Concert-related topics this afternoon.
“I don’t care,” Lau said to his friends in the front room of Valentine Dining Hall when Spring Concert was mentioned. “I love it,” he added after a slight pause.
The joke, which he credits himself with developing, has been told by him to most of his social group, his professors, and several campus police officers.
“I think Arthur can be really funny,” reported friend and Mr. Gad’s member Josh Pasco ’16. “And this is one instance where he is very funny, clever, and original. Thank you, Arthur.”
AMHERST, Ma. – “… welcoming Catherine as Amherst College’s new Dean of the Faculty. Sincerely, Biddy Martin,” concluded Carolyn A.B. Martin at a book signing Tuesday afternoon, where close to 200 excited fans had gathered to hear Martin read from the latest book in her wildly successful fantasy series, A Song of Sexual Misconduct and Firing People. A Dance With Deans is the most recent installment in the series, following the critically acclaimed A Feast for Bros. Bros caused quite a stir for its shocking finale now referred to by fans as “Crossett Christmas.”
Amherst College abounds with fans of Martin’s work. When asked to recall her favorite moment in the series, Amalie Harting ’15, self-proclaimed “#1 Martin Fangirl”, replied, “Oh, that’s easy. Definitely when she killed off Gretchen Krull. Who could’ve seen that coming? The greatest part of her stories is their unpredictability. Dean Epstein is a great new character—I can’t wait to see what Martin does with her.”
Harting’s only criticism was that Martin takes too long to write her novels. “We waited a month for A Dance With Deans, and now I hear it may take another two for the next one. What else does she have to do besides write these masterpieces?” Approached with such concerns, Martin only chuckled softly, a twinkle in her eye. “What can I say? Art is work. Hard, hard work.”
‘Nice Work, Adam,’ Martin Sneers at Public Hearing