Grab-N-Go to Offer Classes for the Busy Student


AMHERST, Ma. – In an effort to make classes more convenient for busy students, Dining Services has announced plans to expand their Grab-N-Go program to include ready-made classes.

“Lifestyles are changing,” said Director of Dining Services Charlie Thompson. “And Amherst students don’t have always have time for class like they used to.”

The program, Thompson went on to explain, would follow the successful model of Grab-N-Go lunch services. “Students will be able to choose one main lecture of 15 minutes,” said Thompson. “Then they’ll also be able to choose three side lectures of 5 minutes each, plus one homework assignment.”  If students attend class on a given day, they will be locked out of the Grab-N-Go lecture services until the following day. “This just helps make sure people aren’t gaming the system by trying to get too much knowledge,” said Thompson.

Students have voiced near-unanimous approval for the move. “The classes at Grab-N-Go will be so much better than regular classes,” said Francis Teelon ’15. “In regular classes, you have to sit for hours. Grab-N-Go classes promote an active lifestyle, and I’m into that.”

Still, some have been critical of the decision. “What used to make Amherst so great was that we just had one place where you would see everyone, everyday. That place was class,” said Sasha Bagration-Mukhranskii ’17. “But now, people don’t always go to class like they used to, so I just feel like I never see them anymore.”

Professors have had mixed feelings about the Grab-N-Go lectures. Some argue that the structure may disrupt the learning process. “In a five minute course, it’s hard to explain some of the complicated concepts associated with Neoliberalism,” said Associate Professor of Law, Jurisprudence, and Social Thought Adam Sitze. “I just worry my students will leave with the wrong idea, especially if they attend Professor Kingston’s ‘Introduction to Economics’ as one of their sides. Or, god forbid, their main course.”

Still, some professors see the move in a more positive light. “This will help students learn to get the point and pick up material quickly,” said Austin Sarat. “I plan to cancel my regular classes, and to only teach Grab-N-Go lectures.”

But Dining Services is primarily concerned with giving more options to its students. “Students are Amherst are always busy,” said Charlie Thompson. “Between homework, classes, and extracurriculars, who has time for classes?”

BREAKING: Sophomore Who Knows What Professor Is Talking About Gesticulates Wildly, Suffers Mild Stroke


CONVERSE 108, Amherst, MA — While thrashing her limbs feverishly to the point of convulsion to indicate that she knew what Professor Hadley Arkes was talking about, sophomore Alyssa Johnstone’ 17 suffered a mild stroke during her Political Obligations class last Thursday, sources confirmed.

The attack was allegedly triggered when Professor Hadley Arkes asked whether anyone had read Aristotle’s Nicomachean Ethics.

“Johnstone raised her hand as always, but Arkes clearly was just gonna keep lecturing ,” said David Basso ’17. Johnstone then “did that annoying thing where you sort of say ‘umm-hum,’ while your hand is up really high so everyone notices” Basso added.

As Arkes summarized some of Aristotle’s arguments, Johnstone started to wave her extremities as though she was undergoing an exorcism, turning red in the face and sweating like an animal.

At press time, a representative for the Johnstone family released the following statement: “Alyssa is recovering well from her stroke last week. She thanks everyone for their kindness and compassion, and reminds everyone that she has read the Nicomachean Ethics several times and has serious opinions on the matter.”

Arkes Backs Buick Into Logic of Morals

THE OCTAGON, Amherst, Ma. –  Amherst College Police have confirmed that Professor Hadley Arkes’s 2009 Buick Enclave suffered minor damage last Tuesday when he inadvertently backed it into the logic of morals itself. According to the police report, Arkes was seen leaving The Octagon at 3:22 p.m., following his lecture for his signature course, “Political Obligations.” “His car was backing out just fine when, all of a sudden, its bumper smashed in and it stopped abruptly,” reported Steven Osman ’15. “Even though we’re only in the sixth week of the course, it was pretty clear to me that he must have accidentally come upon the necessary truth that all men are created equal.”

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