Professor Poe Fined $125 for Dominating Text of Stop Sign

Amherst, MA — Political Science Professor Andrew Poe received a $125 Fine for dominating the text of the stop sign at the intersection of Main Street and Pleasant Street, sources confirm.

“He raced right by,” said Officer Bradley Dennison-VaTontsky. “I had to pull him him over.”

“As I approached the text,” said Poe, “I want to engage with it fully, and not let it dominate me. I think there’s a way in which this led to my misinterpretation.”

To compensate for his error, Poe has agreed to spend the weekend re-reading the text of the sign, to better understand its nuances.

Grab-N-Go to Offer Classes for the Busy Student


AMHERST, Ma. – In an effort to make classes more convenient for busy students, Dining Services has announced plans to expand their Grab-N-Go program to include ready-made classes.

“Lifestyles are changing,” said Director of Dining Services Charlie Thompson. “And Amherst students don’t have always have time for class like they used to.”

The program, Thompson went on to explain, would follow the successful model of Grab-N-Go lunch services. “Students will be able to choose one main lecture of 15 minutes,” said Thompson. “Then they’ll also be able to choose three side lectures of 5 minutes each, plus one homework assignment.”  If students attend class on a given day, they will be locked out of the Grab-N-Go lecture services until the following day. “This just helps make sure people aren’t gaming the system by trying to get too much knowledge,” said Thompson.

Students have voiced near-unanimous approval for the move. “The classes at Grab-N-Go will be so much better than regular classes,” said Francis Teelon ’15. “In regular classes, you have to sit for hours. Grab-N-Go classes promote an active lifestyle, and I’m into that.”

Still, some have been critical of the decision. “What used to make Amherst so great was that we just had one place where you would see everyone, everyday. That place was class,” said Sasha Bagration-Mukhranskii ’17. “But now, people don’t always go to class like they used to, so I just feel like I never see them anymore.”

Professors have had mixed feelings about the Grab-N-Go lectures. Some argue that the structure may disrupt the learning process. “In a five minute course, it’s hard to explain some of the complicated concepts associated with Neoliberalism,” said Associate Professor of Law, Jurisprudence, and Social Thought Adam Sitze. “I just worry my students will leave with the wrong idea, especially if they attend Professor Kingston’s ‘Introduction to Economics’ as one of their sides. Or, god forbid, their main course.”

Still, some professors see the move in a more positive light. “This will help students learn to get the point and pick up material quickly,” said Austin Sarat. “I plan to cancel my regular classes, and to only teach Grab-N-Go lectures.”

But Dining Services is primarily concerned with giving more options to its students. “Students are Amherst are always busy,” said Charlie Thompson. “Between homework, classes, and extracurriculars, who has time for classes?”

[SPON] It’s Not Too Late, Register for Amherst College Studies Classes Today!


There’s nothing Amherst does better than talk about Amherst, so now we’re bringing it into the classroom: announcing Amherst’s newest major*, Amherst College Studies (ACST). Put all those Val #complainsessions to good use and enroll in an ACST course today! This rigorous major will require students to spend a minimum of 3 years on campus at Amherst College. Students may not count classes outside of the ACST department toward their major requirements, unless the course is taken at Amherst College. The following are just a sampling of the latest courses still available to students.

ACST 100: Introduction to Amherst College Studies
ACST 110: Examining Introduction to Amherst College Studies
ACST 125: Checking the Val Menu on the Website
ACST 135: Checking the Val Menu at Val
ACST 150: What the H*ck Is in This Jungle Juice? (Science for non-majors)
ACST 175: The Art of Scapegoating: How to Complain About Val Even When You Like the Food

ACST 200: (Re)examining Introduction to Amherst College Studies
ACST 210, LJST 117 & PHIL 212: Telling Cooper and Clark House Apart
ACST 310, PHIL 300 & LJST 217: Telling Clark and Cooper House Apart
ACST 235: Getting into Val When You Don’t Have Your ID: How to Complain about Val Even When You Got in Without Your ID
ACST 260: Memorial Hill or…? Investigating the Best Spots to Take Photos with Your Family
ACST 280: Coming to Terms: Free Food on Campus

ACST 310: 8 Is Enough: Backstabbing & the the Politics of Room Draw
ACST 315: Sleeping through Class: It Happens
ACST 320: “H” in “Amherst”: A Critical Investigation of the Pronunciation and Spelling of the Word “Amherst”
ACST 335: The Socials: Theory and Practice
ACST 345: What’s Wrong with Jocks? with Professor Dumm

ACST 410: What’s Wrong with Jocks? with Professor Sanborn
ACST 451: To Pee or Not to Pee? Critical Studies of Amherst’s Bathrooms and Trees

*Amherst College Studies is not yet an official major. Any student graduating with ACST major will receive a certificate in Liberal Arts.

BREAKING: Sophomore Who Knows What Professor Is Talking About Gesticulates Wildly, Suffers Mild Stroke


CONVERSE 108, Amherst, MA — While thrashing her limbs feverishly to the point of convulsion to indicate that she knew what Professor Hadley Arkes was talking about, sophomore Alyssa Johnstone’ 17 suffered a mild stroke during her Political Obligations class last Thursday, sources confirmed.

The attack was allegedly triggered when Professor Hadley Arkes asked whether anyone had read Aristotle’s Nicomachean Ethics.

“Johnstone raised her hand as always, but Arkes clearly was just gonna keep lecturing ,” said David Basso ’17. Johnstone then “did that annoying thing where you sort of say ‘umm-hum,’ while your hand is up really high so everyone notices” Basso added.

As Arkes summarized some of Aristotle’s arguments, Johnstone started to wave her extremities as though she was undergoing an exorcism, turning red in the face and sweating like an animal.

At press time, a representative for the Johnstone family released the following statement: “Alyssa is recovering well from her stroke last week. She thanks everyone for their kindness and compassion, and reminds everyone that she has read the Nicomachean Ethics several times and has serious opinions on the matter.”

Sophomore “Just [Goes] off of That…” for Record Thirteen Straight Hours

Screen shot 2014-02-18 at 9.22.27 PM
AMHERST, Ma. – Dave Gelman ’16, a Political Science major from Hackensack, NJ, made history early this morning by holding the floor of ANTH-226 (“African Cultures and Societies”) for a record thirteen consecutive hours.

“Just going off of that, it seems like we’re not really considering the big picture here,” began Gelman’s record-breaking contribution to the class discussion, which included references to Karl Marx, postmodernism, and Operation Iraqi Freedom, as well as five mentions of courses he has taken or is currently enrolled in at Amherst College. Gelman concluded his comment at 2:16 AM by declaring “but I could be wrong” before making expectant eye contact with Professor Elliot Fratkin.

Gelman, who stopped speaking only to take occasional sips from his Nalgene and to twice search through a notebook of his from a previous semester, started the now-historic train of thought after a classmate, Anthropology major Jordan Pemberton ’15, commented on the references to psychoanalytic theory in the day’s assigned reading.

“I heard her mention Freud and I was like, ‘Boom, it’s go-time,'” said Gelman, who spent the hours following his achievement celebrating with friends and family. “I hadn’t participated in the class yet and I took Intro Psych last fall, so it just felt like the stars had aligned or something.”

Though Amherst College’s previous discussion monopolization record of two hours stood for 136 years and was considered “unbreakable” by most experts, not every student in Gelman’s class was excited to be a part of history. Math major Max Sanders ’14 expressed discomfort with the duration of Gelman’s piggybacking spree, stating, “Fuck that dude. Seriously. I missed an interview because of his bullshit. I pissed myself twice. Don’t print that. I must have cleared my throat like 200 different times to get that guy to shut up but he just kept talking about nothing.”

At press time, Gelman had yet to confirm whether he had actually done the assigned reading.