BREAKING: Sophomore Who Knows What Professor Is Talking About Gesticulates Wildly, Suffers Mild Stroke


CONVERSE 108, Amherst, MA — While thrashing her limbs feverishly to the point of convulsion to indicate that she knew what Professor Hadley Arkes was talking about, sophomore Alyssa Johnstone’ 17 suffered a mild stroke during her Political Obligations class last Thursday, sources confirmed.

The attack was allegedly triggered when Professor Hadley Arkes asked whether anyone had read Aristotle’s Nicomachean Ethics.

“Johnstone raised her hand as always, but Arkes clearly was just gonna keep lecturing ,” said David Basso ’17. Johnstone then “did that annoying thing where you sort of say ‘umm-hum,’ while your hand is up really high so everyone notices” Basso added.

As Arkes summarized some of Aristotle’s arguments, Johnstone started to wave her extremities as though she was undergoing an exorcism, turning red in the face and sweating like an animal.

At press time, a representative for the Johnstone family released the following statement: “Alyssa is recovering well from her stroke last week. She thanks everyone for their kindness and compassion, and reminds everyone that she has read the Nicomachean Ethics several times and has serious opinions on the matter.”

Sophomore “Just [Goes] off of That…” for Record Thirteen Straight Hours

Screen shot 2014-02-18 at 9.22.27 PM
AMHERST, Ma. – Dave Gelman ’16, a Political Science major from Hackensack, NJ, made history early this morning by holding the floor of ANTH-226 (“African Cultures and Societies”) for a record thirteen consecutive hours.

“Just going off of that, it seems like we’re not really considering the big picture here,” began Gelman’s record-breaking contribution to the class discussion, which included references to Karl Marx, postmodernism, and Operation Iraqi Freedom, as well as five mentions of courses he has taken or is currently enrolled in at Amherst College. Gelman concluded his comment at 2:16 AM by declaring “but I could be wrong” before making expectant eye contact with Professor Elliot Fratkin.

Gelman, who stopped speaking only to take occasional sips from his Nalgene and to twice search through a notebook of his from a previous semester, started the now-historic train of thought after a classmate, Anthropology major Jordan Pemberton ’15, commented on the references to psychoanalytic theory in the day’s assigned reading.

“I heard her mention Freud and I was like, ‘Boom, it’s go-time,'” said Gelman, who spent the hours following his achievement celebrating with friends and family. “I hadn’t participated in the class yet and I took Intro Psych last fall, so it just felt like the stars had aligned or something.”

Though Amherst College’s previous discussion monopolization record of two hours stood for 136 years and was considered “unbreakable” by most experts, not every student in Gelman’s class was excited to be a part of history. Math major Max Sanders ’14 expressed discomfort with the duration of Gelman’s piggybacking spree, stating, “Fuck that dude. Seriously. I missed an interview because of his bullshit. I pissed myself twice. Don’t print that. I must have cleared my throat like 200 different times to get that guy to shut up but he just kept talking about nothing.”

At press time, Gelman had yet to confirm whether he had actually done the assigned reading.