AMHERST, MA – For Amherst Athletics, equestrian and crew are relatively small-time affairs; they don’t fill stadiums, drive the college’s notoriety, or win championships. That is why they are at the center of what was described as the broadest college admissions fraud the U.S. Justice Department has uncovered. In its investigation, codenamed “Junior Varsity Blues,” the government focused on nine different colleges and universities who held a similar athletic reputation as Amherst, including Salve Regina University, Cal State Dominguez Hills, and ITT Technical Institute. Unlike in football and basketball, there is little widespread knowledge of or general interest in who might be good at what are seen as minor sports, so admissions officials usually have to take coaches at their word when they tell them an applicant is worthy. Continue reading
1. You preregistered for “Reading Poetry” but decided to follow your heart toward a fulfilling career in medicine, necessitating an extra biology course. Dummy!
2. You didn’t think you’d have enough time to eat lunch if you took “Reading Poetry” with Richard Wilbur at 12:30. Hey fatso! Try grab n’ go next time the best poet of our goddamn generation is teaching a course. Idiot!
3. You thought you saw Richard Wilbur in Jenkins last weekend, but he was standing next to your ex, so you bolted. Stupid, stupid you!
4. Mistaking the Pulitzer prizewinner for the man who shot Alexander Hamilton, you challenged Richard Wilbur to a duel and won, without ever asking him what inspired his latest collection of poetry. You killed Richard Wilbur. You are an ignoramus!
5. You’re Zephaniah Swift Moore, first president of Amherst College, and you died before Wilbur was born. What a lack of foresight! Moron!
Better luck next time!
We’ve all been there: Finals are underway and now you’ve got to figure out how to prepare for finals. Fear not, because the Muck-Rake has you covered. Here are seven easy tips for acing those terminal assessments!
1. Get Midnight Breakfast at Val
Studies show a full stomach makes for a full examination. Swing by Val for a few hours before you get cracking; the soothing aroma of three-day-old chicken soaking in dish soap will provide invigorating brain-fuel for your studies!
2. Slip into one of Keefe’s massage chairs
Let the sweat-encrusted leather of the Friedman Room massage chairs envelop your limp flesh prison in a night of rest and relaxation! The Office of Student Life has shipped three bonafide Lazy Boy PowerReclineXR’s to the Friedman room, and those greasy boys are fired up and ready to go. Work the knots out of your deteriorating back before your big test, you won’t regret it.
3. Take up Jogging
Everyone knows finals week is the best time to pick up jogging. You might think you’re too busy, but that’s just you tricking yourself into not jogging, like you always do. Jogging is a great way to relax and take your mind off work, especially because there are still two hours left in the day to go over your three review sheets!
4. Attend the Chipotle Burrito Drop at the Powerhouse
Watch as thousands of burritos darken the sky from the safety and comfort of the Powerhouse! Literally the only structure capable of withstanding this terrible display of power, the Powerhouse is the perfect place to watch in horror as two thousand dollars of Chipotle burrito fixings are dropped from a height of 4,000 feet.
5. Clean your dorm
Whether you live with a roomie or not, your dorm is probably a filthy, pestilent sty. Recent studies have proven that you’re a dirty, filthy, nasty bit of Jenkins shower scum, and taking the time to clean your workspace is the fifth step to becoming that baby genius you’ve always been told you are.
6. Don’t Panic
Things may seem bleak, but we promise, everyone’s been there. The sense of crushing defeat, like everything is falling and time is slipping through your fingers? That’s ok. What’s important is taking good care of your mental health. Take deep breaths, and research yoga classes to try out next semester. After you register for a couple, boil a cup of tea for yourself and check your socials. Remember: everyone earns a break now and again. Oh jesus, the sun’s really set. Oh god, oh man. That’s not good. We haven’t even begun giving you our study related tips!
7. Contact an Extraplanar Entity Capable of Taking Your Finals For You
Look, we know this is exactly how things went last semester. We’re sorry. Maybe you should have started studying sooner, but don’t worry! Klargon, your new class dean has you covered.
All you need to ace your exams this time around is to bind an eldritch being to your service and let them dominate your physical form. Lucky for you, this Tuesday, from 1-3pm, Klargon and Paul Gallegos will be handing them out for free in the Keefe atrium. These ghastly creatures use their access to higher dimensions of reality to acquire all the information necessary to slam dunk your finals for you! Sponsored by the Office of Student Life!
We hoped you enjoyed our seven easy steps for acing your finals. Be sure to take a nice bath after Ammutseba, Devourer of Stars, has been inside you – you earned it!
Note: This is preliminary information about this course. Final course information will be published shortly before the start of the semester.
Listed in: European Studies, as EUST-369, | Film and Media Studies, as FAMS-482 | German, as GERM-666 | Studies Studies, as STUD-111
Heidi Gilpin (Section 01)
Over an eclipsed period of geologic space-time, we will chronologically and epistemologically investigate the ontology of teleology, making full use of the Writing Center. From a distinctly interdisciplinary standpoint we will collaboratively inquire into the nature of COURSE: its sense of touch, sound, sight, smell, hearing, audio, video, taste, electromagnetism, geopolitics, and HDMI capability. Modeled on Richard Linklater’s groundbreaking cinematic achievement, “Boyhood,” students who choose to enroll in COURSE will commence a ten-year commitment to nonstop psychoanalysis of those students who have chosen to enroll in COURSE. Over the course of those ten years we hope to divine epistemically concrete answers to the following ancient questions: where does COURSE meet, and when? Should you be scared that this is cross listed as a 600-level German seminar? Yes, of course you should. Writing attentive.
Limited to 15 students: Enrollment requires attendance at the first class meeting, which has been happening continuously since 1821. Spring Semester. Professor Gilpin.
If Overenrolled: preference given to seniors, then juniors, then flat-earthers, then sophomores.
Note: There is a laboratory section of this course, but you are already in it.
Attention to writing, Attention to speaking, Attention to looking, Attention to listening, Attention to hearing, Attention to stealth, Attention to bio-mechanical equilibration, Attention to Heidi Gilpin, Attention to COURSE.
Cost: 0 ?
Location: THE CLASSROOM
Course Time: When you least expect it.
Offerings: Fall 2018-Spring 2029, Omitted 2021-2025 for WWIII.
Amherst, MA — Confined to C Level, Ryan Strobl ’15 regretfully informed his advisor yesterday that he was “too busy” working on his thesis to attend his final thesis meeting with advisor Professor Sanderson. Strobl’s psychology thesis, “Love the One You’re With: An Examination of Amherst Dating Culture,” is due in just under a week.
Strobl reached out to Sanderson just before missing this last meeting, promising that the “thesis is going great, making a lot of progress, won’t be able to make it in today, though. Same time next week?”
However, little is known about either Strobl or his recent progress. Witnesses have reported muttering coming from the cubicle where Strobl was last seen, as well as an accumulation of coffee cups and foul odor in the general vicinity.
Tyler Ward ’15, a senior living on the second floor of King with Strobl, says that he has not seen his floor mate in three days, but he had received multiple e-mails begging him to take “Ryan’s stupid thesis survey about dating.”
Professor Sanderson has requested that any student who encounters Strobl to direct him to her office.
1. “Do we have to talk about your thesis right now?”
Thesis writers are drowning in pressure and deadlines! Can’t you just let your friend let off some steam?
2. “How is your thesis going? Are you managing OK?”
This is literally the worst. Just because you’re writing a thesis doesn’t mean you want to talk about it.
3. “Please check-out books. Don’t just take them from the library.”
If thesis writers had a page of their thesis for every time they heard this one, they’d have an enormously-sized thesis.
4. “Shouldn’t you be citing that 28-page passage you took from Marx’s Das Kapital?”
Is it impossible that two people have the same idea? Besides, Marx wrote in German.
5. “I value your friendship, but I just don’t think we should be seeing each other anymore. You cheated on me, and I just can’t forgive that.”
This drives thesis writers up the wall! It’s incredibly rude to say this when someone is trying to nail down that tricky second chapter.
6. “Dude, you shouldn’t have made PDFs of those books you stole and then uploaded them to the internet. That’s like, a problem.”
Thesis writers know how the internet works, brah.
7. “Things were going so well, and I just wish you hadn’t had to go and sleep with my best friend. And you haven’t even apologized…I just don’t understand.”
Apologize for what??? Trying to be a good student???
8. “Can you stay behind for a minute before your next class? I need to chat with you about something. There’s no easy way to say this…You need to change your clothes. You’ve been wearing them every class session this week, and the smell is disrespectful to your classmates. Frankly it makes it difficult to lecture.”
This one just makes thesis writers want to weep and then die.
9. “Oxford University Press hereby informs you that unauthorized copying and/or distribution of its books, including Lucy’s Secret Reindeer & The Law & Practice of International Banking, constitutes a violation of the U.S. Copyright Act, 17 U.S.C. 106. For this reason, request is hereby made that you immediately and permanently cease uploading these materials to your website, quickstudyhackz.com.”
Lucy’s Secret Reindeer? Seriously? What’s that got to do with my thesis?
10. “No. Absolutely Not.”
It’s ridiculous that you wouldn’t get back together with a thesis writer, just because he slept with your best friend.
11. “We’ve rescheduled three times. You need to come to your thesis meeting tomorrow, with a completed chapter.”
Cool it. Jesus.
12. “This chapter of your thesis is exactly the same as Marx’s Das Kapital. You didn’t even translate it. I can’t let you submit this to the department until you cite it properly. Jesus, what is that smell?”
Not even thesis advisers understand.
“He raced right by,” said Officer Bradley Dennison-VaTontsky. “I had to pull him him over.”
“As I approached the text,” said Poe, “I want to engage with it fully, and not let it dominate me. I think there’s a way in which this led to my misinterpretation.”
To compensate for his error, Poe has agreed to spend the weekend re-reading the text of the sign, to better understand its nuances.
AMHERST, Ma. – In an effort to make classes more convenient for busy students, Dining Services has announced plans to expand their Grab-N-Go program to include ready-made classes.
“Lifestyles are changing,” said Director of Dining Services Charlie Thompson. “And Amherst students don’t have always have time for class like they used to.”
The program, Thompson went on to explain, would follow the successful model of Grab-N-Go lunch services. “Students will be able to choose one main lecture of 15 minutes,” said Thompson. “Then they’ll also be able to choose three side lectures of 5 minutes each, plus one homework assignment.” If students attend class on a given day, they will be locked out of the Grab-N-Go lecture services until the following day. “This just helps make sure people aren’t gaming the system by trying to get too much knowledge,” said Thompson.
Students have voiced near-unanimous approval for the move. “The classes at Grab-N-Go will be so much better than regular classes,” said Francis Teelon ’15. “In regular classes, you have to sit for hours. Grab-N-Go classes promote an active lifestyle, and I’m into that.”
Still, some have been critical of the decision. “What used to make Amherst so great was that we just had one place where you would see everyone, everyday. That place was class,” said Sasha Bagration-Mukhranskii ’17. “But now, people don’t always go to class like they used to, so I just feel like I never see them anymore.”
Professors have had mixed feelings about the Grab-N-Go lectures. Some argue that the structure may disrupt the learning process. “In a five minute course, it’s hard to explain some of the complicated concepts associated with Neoliberalism,” said Associate Professor of Law, Jurisprudence, and Social Thought Adam Sitze. “I just worry my students will leave with the wrong idea, especially if they attend Professor Kingston’s ‘Introduction to Economics’ as one of their sides. Or, god forbid, their main course.”
Still, some professors see the move in a more positive light. “This will help students learn to get the point and pick up material quickly,” said Austin Sarat. “I plan to cancel my regular classes, and to only teach Grab-N-Go lectures.”
But Dining Services is primarily concerned with giving more options to its students. “Students are Amherst are always busy,” said Charlie Thompson. “Between homework, classes, and extracurriculars, who has time for classes?”
There’s nothing Amherst does better than talk about Amherst, so now we’re bringing it into the classroom: announcing Amherst’s newest major*, Amherst College Studies (ACST). Put all those Val #complainsessions to good use and enroll in an ACST course today! This rigorous major will require students to spend a minimum of 3 years on campus at Amherst College. Students may not count classes outside of the ACST department toward their major requirements, unless the course is taken at Amherst College. The following are just a sampling of the latest courses still available to students.
ACST 100: Introduction to Amherst College Studies
ACST 110: Examining Introduction to Amherst College Studies
ACST 125: Checking the Val Menu on the Website
ACST 135: Checking the Val Menu at Val
ACST 150: What the H*ck Is in This Jungle Juice? (Science for non-majors)
ACST 175: The Art of Scapegoating: How to Complain About Val Even When You Like the Food
ACST 200: (Re)examining Introduction to Amherst College Studies
ACST 210, LJST 117 & PHIL 212: Telling Cooper and Clark House Apart
ACST 310, PHIL 300 & LJST 217: Telling Clark and Cooper House Apart
ACST 235: Getting into Val When You Don’t Have Your ID: How to Complain about Val Even When You Got in Without Your ID
ACST 260: Memorial Hill or…? Investigating the Best Spots to Take Photos with Your Family
ACST 280: Coming to Terms: Free Food on Campus
ACST 310: 8 Is Enough: Backstabbing & the the Politics of Room Draw
ACST 315: Sleeping through Class: It Happens
ACST 320: “H” in “Amherst”: A Critical Investigation of the Pronunciation and Spelling of the Word “Amherst”
ACST 335: The Socials: Theory and Practice
ACST 345: What’s Wrong with Jocks? with Professor Dumm
ACST 410: What’s Wrong with Jocks? with Professor Sanborn
ACST 451: To Pee or Not to Pee? Critical Studies of Amherst’s Bathrooms and Trees
*Amherst College Studies is not yet an official major. Any student graduating with ACST major will receive a certificate in Liberal Arts.