New Sarat Seminar to Research Which Sarat Office is Best


CONVERSE HALL/CLARK HOUSE, Amherst, Ma. – Austin Sarat will be teaching a new Mellon Colloquium Seminar dedicated to determining which of his offices is best, the revered professor confirmed Thursday. Sarat, the William Nelson Cromwell Professor of Jurisprudence and Political Science, was promoted to Associate Dean of the Faculty this summer, and students were beginning to speculate whether the famed Professor’s teaching career was over. So it came as a pleasant surprise to many when Sarat announced yesterday that he would be teaching “Offices, Arrogance, and the Law” in the spring of 2014.

“My new course’s subject is both practical and deeply personal,” said Sarat, while tossing a baseball with one of his favorite students, who happened to be on the Men’s Baseball Team. “We will look into the very spaces in which the greatest mind of the 21st century operates, and determine what kinds of offices are best suited for a genius…such as myself.”

COLQ-235 will meet once a week on Wednesdays from 2-4:30, the location rotating between Dean Sarat’s new office in Converse Hall and his recently renovated office in Clark House. Students will conduct research on the pros and cons of each office, analyzing such qualities as how many of Sarat’s books each office can hold, whether or not the office has the space for a t-shirt production line, and how having two enormous offices definitely does not mean you’re compensating for something, according to the syllabus.

“Are you getting a ‘you-should-take-this-class’ tingle?” the world’s premier expert on the death penalty asked, imploringly. “Because the subject matter here is important. Not only will students benefit from learning first-hand how to research in an academic context, but they’ll also be helping me with a near-impossible life decision as to where I should spend more of my time.”

Students should be advised that space in the class is limited. Only sophomores and juniors may register for the course, and if overenrolled, preference will be given to LJST majors, baseball players, and girls who are willing to wear low-cut tops.

College Issues Guide to Family Weekend Safety

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AMHERST, Ma. – In an email sent to seven Amherst students last night, the Office of Residential Life offered the student body several tips for staying safe this family weekend. Warning students to “keep an eye out for unwanted sexual advances,” the email explained that “a lot of parents come to Family Weekend pretty jaded with monogamy and the domestic scene and are eager to take advantage of what they perceive to be an ‘easy’ hook-up scene at Amherst.”

The email also cautioned that “many parents tend to be pretty drunk all weekend long,” an “unfortunate combination” demanding extra vigilance from students—especially given that some parents are also alumni, whose threat to current students has been well-documented.

Although some students expressed offense at the email, characterizing it as “victim-blaming” and “dude, that’s my dad you’re talking about,” others were less hostile, calling the advice “good.” Asked for comment, Director of Public Affairs Peter Rooney replied, “Huh?” before continuing to watch football.


Exasperated Biddy Martin Offers Blanket Apology


AMHERST, Ma — Following yet another controversy during her time as President of Amherst College, Caroline “Biddy” Martin offered her apologies fo nearly everything.

“I’m really, really sorry. Whatever’s happened is truly unacceptable,” she wrote in a schoolwide e-mail circulated to the press early this morning.

“I’m sorry you’re hurt, for whatever it was that was done wherever and whenever,” the e-mail, timestamped 2:43 A.M. EST, continued. “Imagine how I fucking feel. I can’t keep up. You know how many fucking times I’ve had to apologize for Res-Life? For Student Life???”

The e-mail devolved into Martin rapidly depleting reserves of sympathy. “So I’m super sorry about all this god damn mess, forever and always. I’m sorry for every inconvenience, insult, or abuse you have or (surely) will soon experience during your time at this college, before or after. I just can’t handle this anymore.”

“For Christ’s sake, I’m even sorry that your shitty goldfish died,” the message concluded.

At press time, President Martin was reportedly playing “the worid’s smallest violin for-motherfucking-ever.”

Socials Begin Final Walk of Shame

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AMHERST, Ma – Early this morning, social dormitories Coolidge, Crossett, Pond, and Stone began a hasty exit after a prolonged awkward silence with the administration. Although last night was “fun,” reported Biddy Martin, supine and smoking a cigarette, her former hook-ups have allegedly reached “the end of their useful lives.”

The four dormitories were last seen—wearing the same clothes they had been since the 1970s—sitting at the PVTA bus stop outside Converse Hall, officially ending their 14,600-night stand.

“God it’s so fucking bright,” remarked an extremely hungover Crossett. Coolidge, Pond, and Stone could not be reached for comment.

Sitze Falls, Injures Self After ‘Radicalizing’ and ‘Running At Top Speed’


AMHERST, Ma — Amherst College Police have confirmed that Professor Adam Sitze suffered mild injuries yesterday on an evening jog while ‘running at top speed’. The police report states that Sitze, author of The Impossible Machine and currently up for tenure, was spotted leaving “The Crisis of Neoliberal Legal Theory” in a ‘bright, neon-colored jacket’.

“He seemed to be jogging, doing his normal thing,” reported Amanda Rodriguez ’15. “You know, muttering about how Kant would say the pain in his legs was a ‘merely empirical condition’. But then suddenly he began to radicalize and run at top speed.  Anyone who knows Professor Sitze would know that he was about to short-circuit. After he fell I was worried that he’d hit a tension, maybe even tapped a nerve-ending.”

Though he appeared to be running alone, Sitze was wearing a marathon number on his back at the time of the injury. When asked if he was participating in any kind of race or event, Sitze responded: “It wasn’t any particular event. It was, as Badiou would say, The Event.” When asked for clarification, the overbooked LJST professor responded that you would just “have to engage in a sustained re-reading of Agamben and Arendt on their own terms” to get the full picture.

Although Sitze admitted that he might have sprained his ankle in the accident, he was happy to report that his hermenuetic lens remains unharmed.

Fundraising Campaign Event to Celebrate Equinox, Reincarnate PsiU

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AMHERST, Ma. – Wrapping up what President Biddy Martin called a “campaign aimed at ensuring socioeconomic, racial, ethnic, and occult diversity” in Amherst’s  unrecognized, yet fundamentally important fraternal organizations, the  “You Did It!” planetary alignment and Fall Equinox fundraiser celebration will take place this weekend to consecrate the reincarnation of Psi Upsilon.

A $500 million campaign started in 2008, the fundraiser to help bring back a fraternity abolished for “serious violations” including hazing and witchcraft will be center stage on campus this weekend. Programs include a masked ritual sacrifice of a lamb, several distinguished speakers on a diverse range of occult practices, and a telescope viewing of the Harvest Moon.

“The planets have aligned and the Omens have been masterfully arranged around campus. It’s finally back, and we’re excited to be back,” Leonard “Brother” Northservant ’15 said with regards to the fraternity’s new beginning. “With this hooded cult meeting our vision of Psi Upsilon can really take off.”

Added Northservant, “And it’s really great too that we can finally ring in the vernal season with a celebration as a community. Where else can you really enjoy cider donut with an esteemed alumnus whilst watching human blood shed and rightfully consumed?”

Amherst Computer Science Professor Scott Kaplan, a Psi U alumnus and current chaplain to the fraternal organization predicated on devouring live human flesh, is spearheading the rituals this coming weekend.

“Professor Kaplan has what it takes to lead such a motivated group” Martin said. “His knowledge of ancient Yachi ceremonies and his skill with a knife will really help him to succeed at such an undertaking. Plus, he’s really adamant about setting the clocks back an hour when Daylight Savings Time comes in a few weeks. Saturday will be one of only two days during the calendar year where the amount of daylight equals the amount of nighttime.”

Concluded Martin, “Kaplan, as well as Psi Upsilon, has the College’s full backing. Who doesn’t love  the diversity offered by a little dark magic these days?”

The rituals are set to begin today at 4 PM with a private initiation for new members in Leland Dormitory, followed by a massive, public ritual in Valentine Quad. Light refreshments and human flesh will be served.