Fundraising Campaign Event to Celebrate Equinox, Reincarnate PsiU

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AMHERST, Ma. – Wrapping up what President Biddy Martin called a “campaign aimed at ensuring socioeconomic, racial, ethnic, and occult diversity” in Amherst’s  unrecognized, yet fundamentally important fraternal organizations, the  “You Did It!” planetary alignment and Fall Equinox fundraiser celebration will take place this weekend to consecrate the reincarnation of Psi Upsilon.

A $500 million campaign started in 2008, the fundraiser to help bring back a fraternity abolished for “serious violations” including hazing and witchcraft will be center stage on campus this weekend. Programs include a masked ritual sacrifice of a lamb, several distinguished speakers on a diverse range of occult practices, and a telescope viewing of the Harvest Moon.

“The planets have aligned and the Omens have been masterfully arranged around campus. It’s finally back, and we’re excited to be back,” Leonard “Brother” Northservant ’15 said with regards to the fraternity’s new beginning. “With this hooded cult meeting our vision of Psi Upsilon can really take off.”

Added Northservant, “And it’s really great too that we can finally ring in the vernal season with a celebration as a community. Where else can you really enjoy cider donut with an esteemed alumnus whilst watching human blood shed and rightfully consumed?”

Amherst Computer Science Professor Scott Kaplan, a Psi U alumnus and current chaplain to the fraternal organization predicated on devouring live human flesh, is spearheading the rituals this coming weekend.

“Professor Kaplan has what it takes to lead such a motivated group” Martin said. “His knowledge of ancient Yachi ceremonies and his skill with a knife will really help him to succeed at such an undertaking. Plus, he’s really adamant about setting the clocks back an hour when Daylight Savings Time comes in a few weeks. Saturday will be one of only two days during the calendar year where the amount of daylight equals the amount of nighttime.”

Concluded Martin, “Kaplan, as well as Psi Upsilon, has the College’s full backing. Who doesn’t love  the diversity offered by a little dark magic these days?”

The rituals are set to begin today at 4 PM with a private initiation for new members in Leland Dormitory, followed by a massive, public ritual in Valentine Quad. Light refreshments and human flesh will be served.

Students Not Surprised, Just Disappointed by Police Raid on Chipotle

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AMHERST, Ma. — A gathering at the local Chipotle restaurant was broken up by an Amherst College Police Officer last Thursday due to a noise complaint. The officer’s arrival at the new and popular fast food restaurant at 7 p.m. was disappointing  but not surprising, according to some local customers. “It was too good to be true,” said Morgan Rubino ’15. “Everyone was just starting to have a really great time, lots of conversation, so you knew the police would be there soon.”

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TLC’s ‘Dean of Mean’ James Larimore to Revamp Amherst this April

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AMHERST, Ma. – Discovery Communications announced Wednesday that James Larimore, the itinerant dean of students and celebrity host of the hit TLC show “Dean of Mean,” will shoot his next episode at Amherst College, “storming” the beleaguered school this April for a “top-to-bottom power-cleaning that takes this dry, sexist hellhole from worst to first.”

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Fraternities Set to Convert Alpine Commons into ‘Frat Castle’

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AMHERST, Ma. – Members of Amherst College’s Chi Psi, Delta Kappa Epsilon, and Fraternity Formerly Known as Theta Delta Chi fraternities ratified a proposal Wednesday to move all three organizations’ rising senior members into the Alpine Commons apartment complex.  The proposal, introduced at last night’s meeting of the Society of Amherst Fraternity Conspirators, embraces Amherst Dean of Residential Life Torin Moore’s friendly invitation to members of the college’s Class of 2014 to live in the complex to alleviate a projected campus housing shortage next year.

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