THE MUCK-RAKE INVESTIGATES: Peter Uvin, Masturbator?

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(deputymetroeditor)– At 9:56pm on Thursday, February 20, I emailed Provost Peter Uvin a list of questions in hopes that his answers would help me write an article for an unfunded, highly controversial online student publication.

At 11:35pm, I received an email back. What was Uvin doing in the meantime?

Rather than jump to the obvious conclusion on my own, I decided to send the following email to several Amherst College administrators, including President Martin, the next afternoon:

“Dear [administrator],

Last night, I emailed Peter Uvin a list of questions related to a piece I am writing for a student publication. It took him nearly two hours to respond. I was hoping you could inform me as to whether or not he masturbated during that time period.

Thanks,

deputymetroeditor”

At the time of this writing, not one has responded. Why? Are they protecting the Provost?

Are they all masturbating at this very moment?

It’s quite possible. A 1993 study of the masturbatory habits of adult-aged Americans concluded “most… Americans over the age of 30… have… [masturbated].” Though their actions and decisions frequently suggest otherwise, the administrators of the College are indeed American adults. [ed. note: Peter Uvin is of unknown national/planetary origin]. Therefore, it is very likely that one or more College administrators is masturbating as you read this.

Neither are student leaders immune from this plague upon our institution. AAS President George Tepe ’14, whose association with masturbation was hotly debated during his campaign, also refused to comment on the matter at hand.

If you’re anything like me, the thought of all this is repulsive: leaders in our community, masturbating without approval of the student body while the College burns to the ground. There can be no justice while serial masturbators are allowed to run this institution and dominate the narrative; there can be no peace of mind while our emails remain unanswered.

Other Candidates for Dean of Students Included Dolores Umbridge, Severus Snape

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AMHERST, Ma. – After James Larimore became the fourth Dean of Students to leave Amherst College in as many years, President Caroline “Biddy” Martin considered offering the position to such candidates as Chemistry Professor Severus Snape and Interim Dean of Student Conduct Dolores Umbridge, according to sources inside the administration.

“Honestly, people are starting to think the position is cursed,” said Head Librarian Irma Pince. “And after what happened to Dean Boykin-East in the Forbidden Forest, I can’t say I blame them.”

Some students were shocked by the appointment of Suzanne Coffey, whom many considered under-qualified for her previous position as Title IX Coordinator. “I mean, I know she wrote Wanderings with Werewolves and Gadding with Ghouls, but she also wrote that atrocious op-ed for The Student last year,” recalled Lee Jordan ’14.

Other students were more sympathetic to President Martin’s position. “I guess they were getting kind of desperate,” suggested Colin Creevey ’15. “There’s not a lot of people who want that job these days.”

As of press time, Dean Coffey was last spotted in the gym parking lot handing out signed portraits of herself to students.

Professor Probably Posted Grades Since I Last Checked Five Minutes Ago, Reports Student’s Dumb Brain

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SCARSDALE, NY – After checking AC Data about five minutes ago and finding that none of his professors had posted grades yet, sophomore Geoff White’s dumb brain decided that there was a great chance that, since then, at least one of White’s professors had just finished and submitted them.

According to White, his brain—the same one that is hoping for an A in Democratic Theory and an A- in Linear Algebra—ran the numbers and decided it was definitely a good use of time to take a break from Christmas shopping and applying for internships to log into AC Data and check again—because, surely, when he last checked, one of White’s professors was just finishing up calculating his grades and only needed a few more minutes to double-check before posting them.

“I know they’re due January 2nd,” explained White’s confused brain, “but wouldn’t professors want to finish them up now before Christmas, so they’re not hanging over their heads? That’s what I would do, I think.”

Upon rechecking AC Data, White’s brain was reportedly “shocked” to discover that White’s “Grades” page was still blank, and was already planning what he might do to entertain himself for the next five minutes until it was worth it to check again.

Frost Closing Announcements Growing Increasingly Crazed

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FROST LIBRARY, Amherst, Ma. – Announcements given over the Frost PA system to remind students of the library’s closing time have, of late, begun containing stranger and more cryptic warnings. Students noted one recent closing announcement that urged anyone leaving to “take all your belongings with you and don’t look behind you as you go, no matter what you might think you hear,” while another is said to have warned that “students are advised not to attempt to enter D level.”

As of last night, reports indicate that the eerie voice that issues closing reminders had altogether abandoned its monotone English pronouncements, instead allowing the speaker to emit a prolonged hiss of microphonic feedback before uttering, “Bl’haggor el sothogl p’thaggosh ni hthawaenoor yill’krafoth tllac’cal thareem uggol,” a phrase that students say would have been impossible to remember had they not been hearing it constantly in their dreams and in between all their waking thoughts.

New Sarat Seminar to Research Which Sarat Office is Best

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CONVERSE HALL/CLARK HOUSE, Amherst, Ma. – Austin Sarat will be teaching a new Mellon Colloquium Seminar dedicated to determining which of his offices is best, the revered professor confirmed Thursday. Sarat, the William Nelson Cromwell Professor of Jurisprudence and Political Science, was promoted to Associate Dean of the Faculty this summer, and students were beginning to speculate whether the famed Professor’s teaching career was over. So it came as a pleasant surprise to many when Sarat announced yesterday that he would be teaching “Offices, Arrogance, and the Law” in the spring of 2014.

“My new course’s subject is both practical and deeply personal,” said Sarat, while tossing a baseball with one of his favorite students, who happened to be on the Men’s Baseball Team. “We will look into the very spaces in which the greatest mind of the 21st century operates, and determine what kinds of offices are best suited for a genius…such as myself.”

COLQ-235 will meet once a week on Wednesdays from 2-4:30, the location rotating between Dean Sarat’s new office in Converse Hall and his recently renovated office in Clark House. Students will conduct research on the pros and cons of each office, analyzing such qualities as how many of Sarat’s books each office can hold, whether or not the office has the space for a t-shirt production line, and how having two enormous offices definitely does not mean you’re compensating for something, according to the syllabus.

“Are you getting a ‘you-should-take-this-class’ tingle?” the world’s premier expert on the death penalty asked, imploringly. “Because the subject matter here is important. Not only will students benefit from learning first-hand how to research in an academic context, but they’ll also be helping me with a near-impossible life decision as to where I should spend more of my time.”

Students should be advised that space in the class is limited. Only sophomores and juniors may register for the course, and if overenrolled, preference will be given to LJST majors, baseball players, and girls who are willing to wear low-cut tops.

College Issues Guide to Family Weekend Safety

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AMHERST, Ma. – In an email sent to seven Amherst students last night, the Office of Residential Life offered the student body several tips for staying safe this family weekend. Warning students to “keep an eye out for unwanted sexual advances,” the email explained that “a lot of parents come to Family Weekend pretty jaded with monogamy and the domestic scene and are eager to take advantage of what they perceive to be an ‘easy’ hook-up scene at Amherst.”

The email also cautioned that “many parents tend to be pretty drunk all weekend long,” an “unfortunate combination” demanding extra vigilance from students—especially given that some parents are also alumni, whose threat to current students has been well-documented.

Although some students expressed offense at the email, characterizing it as “victim-blaming” and “dude, that’s my dad you’re talking about,” others were less hostile, calling the advice “good.” Asked for comment, Director of Public Affairs Peter Rooney replied, “Huh?” before continuing to watch football.

 

Exasperated Biddy Martin Offers Blanket Apology

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AMHERST, Ma — Following yet another controversy during her time as President of Amherst College, Caroline “Biddy” Martin offered her apologies fo nearly everything.

“I’m really, really sorry. Whatever’s happened is truly unacceptable,” she wrote in a schoolwide e-mail circulated to the press early this morning.

“I’m sorry you’re hurt, for whatever it was that was done wherever and whenever,” the e-mail, timestamped 2:43 A.M. EST, continued. “Imagine how I fucking feel. I can’t keep up. You know how many fucking times I’ve had to apologize for Res-Life? For Student Life???”

The e-mail devolved into Martin rapidly depleting reserves of sympathy. “So I’m super sorry about all this god damn mess, forever and always. I’m sorry for every inconvenience, insult, or abuse you have or (surely) will soon experience during your time at this college, before or after. I just can’t handle this anymore.”

“For Christ’s sake, I’m even sorry that your shitty goldfish died,” the message concluded.

At press time, President Martin was reportedly playing “the worid’s smallest violin for-motherfucking-ever.”

Socials Begin Final Walk of Shame

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AMHERST, Ma – Early this morning, social dormitories Coolidge, Crossett, Pond, and Stone began a hasty exit after a prolonged awkward silence with the administration. Although last night was “fun,” reported Biddy Martin, supine and smoking a cigarette, her former hook-ups have allegedly reached “the end of their useful lives.”

The four dormitories were last seen—wearing the same clothes they had been since the 1970s—sitting at the PVTA bus stop outside Converse Hall, officially ending their 14,600-night stand.

“God it’s so fucking bright,” remarked an extremely hungover Crossett. Coolidge, Pond, and Stone could not be reached for comment.

Sitze Falls, Injures Self After ‘Radicalizing’ and ‘Running At Top Speed’

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AMHERST, Ma — Amherst College Police have confirmed that Professor Adam Sitze suffered mild injuries yesterday on an evening jog while ‘running at top speed’. The police report states that Sitze, author of The Impossible Machine and currently up for tenure, was spotted leaving “The Crisis of Neoliberal Legal Theory” in a ‘bright, neon-colored jacket’.

“He seemed to be jogging, doing his normal thing,” reported Amanda Rodriguez ’15. “You know, muttering about how Kant would say the pain in his legs was a ‘merely empirical condition’. But then suddenly he began to radicalize and run at top speed.  Anyone who knows Professor Sitze would know that he was about to short-circuit. After he fell I was worried that he’d hit a tension, maybe even tapped a nerve-ending.”

Though he appeared to be running alone, Sitze was wearing a marathon number on his back at the time of the injury. When asked if he was participating in any kind of race or event, Sitze responded: “It wasn’t any particular event. It was, as Badiou would say, The Event.” When asked for clarification, the overbooked LJST professor responded that you would just “have to engage in a sustained re-reading of Agamben and Arendt on their own terms” to get the full picture.

Although Sitze admitted that he might have sprained his ankle in the accident, he was happy to report that his hermenuetic lens remains unharmed.