Crack Team Assembles to Fix the Ice Cream Machine Once and For All


Some things will never be understood. Who built the pyramids? Where do birds come from? Well, fear no more: one of history’s great mysteries is about to be solved. The Val Ice Cream Machine is about to be fixed, once and for all.

The cream of the crop is here to cream this crop and stop that cream from cropping up where we don’t want it. That’s right, the cream team has arrived. Bullshit you say? More like bull’s milk, of the same ilk, as cow’s milk (iced cream). It’s the crème de la crème, here to restart the clock on Big Ben, and by that I mean fix this damn machine.

Soon it’ll be all peaches and cream, or rather, pernil al horno and cream. Get in the queue because it’s time to suckle one by one at the teet of Mother Milk. And oh baby am I gonna milk it for all it’s worth.

I’m out of order? No, you’re out of order, ice cream machine. In fact, I do have an order and it’s “one ice cream please.” Can you make that happen? Didn’t think so.

Still not fixed? How is that possible? Isn’t this a brand new machine? The tease of Madagascar Vanilla is enough to make me cream my jeans, and believe me I would if I could if this machine were in order. But I can’t, so I shan’t. And that’s the Amherst way.

Good luck team. We’ll be rooting for you.

Top 5 Signs You Totally Missed Your Chance to Meet Richard Wilbur


1You preregistered for “Reading Poetry” but decided to follow your heart toward a fulfilling career in medicine, necessitating an extra biology course. Dummy!

2. You didn’t think you’d have enough time to eat lunch if you took “Reading Poetry” with Richard Wilbur at 12:30. Hey fatso! Try grab n’ go next time the best poet of our goddamn generation is teaching a course. Idiot!

3. You thought you saw Richard Wilbur in Jenkins last weekend, but he was standing next to your ex, so you bolted. Stupid, stupid you!

4. Mistaking the Pulitzer prizewinner for the man who shot Alexander Hamilton, you challenged Richard Wilbur to a duel and won, without ever asking him what inspired his latest collection of poetry. You killed Richard Wilbur. You are an ignoramus!

5. You’re Zephaniah Swift Moore, first president of Amherst College, and you died before Wilbur was born. What a lack of foresight! Moron!

Better luck next time!

Seven Steps to Acing Those Last Few Finals


We’ve all been there: Finals are underway and now you’ve got to figure out how to prepare for finals.  Fear not, because the Muck-Rake has you covered. Here are seven easy tips for acing those terminal assessments!

1. Get Midnight Breakfast at Val

Studies show a full stomach makes for a full examination. Swing by Val for a few hours before you get cracking; the soothing aroma of three-day-old chicken soaking in dish soap will provide invigorating brain-fuel for your studies!

2. Slip into one of Keefe’s massage chairs

Let the sweat-encrusted leather of the Friedman Room massage chairs envelop your limp flesh prison in a night of rest and relaxation! The Office of Student Life has shipped three bonafide Lazy Boy PowerReclineXR’s to the Friedman room, and those greasy boys are fired up and ready to go. Work the knots out of your deteriorating back before your big test, you won’t regret it.

3. Take up Jogging

Everyone knows finals week is the best time to pick up jogging. You might think you’re too busy, but that’s just you tricking yourself into not jogging, like you always do. Jogging is a great way to relax and take your mind off work, especially because there are still two hours left in the day to go over your three review sheets!

4. Attend the Chipotle Burrito Drop at the Powerhouse

Watch as thousands of burritos darken the sky from the safety and comfort of the Powerhouse! Literally the only structure capable of withstanding this terrible display of power, the Powerhouse is the perfect place to watch in horror as two thousand dollars of Chipotle burrito fixings are dropped from a height of 4,000 feet.

5. Clean your dorm

Whether you live with a roomie or not, your dorm is probably a filthy, pestilent sty. Recent studies have proven that you’re a dirty, filthy, nasty bit of Jenkins shower scum, and taking the time to clean your workspace is the fifth step to becoming that baby genius you’ve always been told you are.

6. Don’t Panic

Things may seem bleak, but we promise, everyone’s been there. The sense of crushing defeat, like everything is falling and time is slipping through your fingers? That’s ok. What’s important is taking good care of your mental health. Take deep breaths, and research yoga classes to try out next semester. After you register for a couple, boil a cup of tea for yourself and check your socials. Remember: everyone earns a break now and again. Oh jesus, the sun’s really set. Oh god, oh man. That’s not good. We haven’t even begun giving you our study related tips!

7. Contact an Extraplanar Entity Capable of Taking Your Finals For You

deal with entity

Look, we know this is exactly how things went last semester. We’re sorry. Maybe you should have started studying sooner, but don’t worry! Klargon, your new class dean has you covered.

All you need to ace your exams this time around is to bind an eldritch being to your service and let them dominate your physical form. Lucky for you, this Tuesday, from 1-3pm, Klargon and Paul Gallegos will be handing them out for free in the Keefe atrium. These ghastly creatures use their access to higher dimensions of reality to acquire all the information necessary to slam dunk your finals for you! Sponsored by the Office of Student Life!

We hoped you enjoyed our seven easy steps for acing your finals. Be sure to take a nice bath after Ammutseba, Devourer of Stars, has been inside you – you earned it!

Heidi Gilpin Announces New Course: COURSE


Note: This is preliminary information about this course. Final course information will be published shortly before the start of the semester.



Listed in: European Studies, as EUST-369, | Film and Media Studies, as FAMS-482 | German, as GERM-666 | Studies Studies, as STUD-111

Heidi Gilpin (Section 01)


Over an eclipsed period of geologic space-time, we will chronologically and epistemologically investigate the ontology of teleology, making full use of the Writing Center. From a distinctly interdisciplinary standpoint we will collaboratively inquire into the nature of COURSE: its sense of touch, sound, sight, smell, hearing, audio, video, taste, electromagnetism, geopolitics, and HDMI capability. Modeled on Richard Linklater’s groundbreaking cinematic achievement, “Boyhood,” students who choose to enroll in COURSE will commence a ten-year commitment to nonstop psychoanalysis of those students who have chosen to enroll in COURSE. Over the course of those ten years we hope to divine epistemically concrete answers to the following ancient questions: where does COURSE meet, and when? Should you be scared that this is cross listed as a 600-level German seminar? Yes, of course you should. Writing attentive. 


Limited to 15 students: Enrollment requires attendance at the first class meeting, which has been happening continuously since 1821. Spring Semester. Professor Gilpin.

If Overenrolled: preference given to seniors, then juniors, then flat-earthers, then sophomores.

Note: There is a laboratory section of this course, but you are already in it.


Attention to writing, Attention to speaking, Attention to looking, Attention to listening, Attention to hearing, Attention to stealth, Attention to bio-mechanical equilibration, Attention to Heidi Gilpin, Attention to COURSE.

Cost: 0 ?


Course Time: When you least expect it. 
Offerings: Fall 2018-Spring 2029, Omitted 2021-2025 for WWIII.

Live Blog: BLACKOUT Frost Sit-in

sit in at frost

PC: Andrew Drinkwater

12:45 – Line is forming out the door as hundreds await their chance to voice their mind and concerns about racism in higher education.

12:53: Junior Erika Flambert begins to share her experience, and is promptly shushed, as it is not yet time.

12:56: People begin to file in, each getting their “Ally” stamp.

1:00: The Blackout event begins, and the students leading the event take attendance. Attendance is paltry.

1:02: Dean Epstein draws the short straw.

1:05: First-Year Cameron Campbell wonders if she will do the black dress, or the black leggings and blouse.

1:12: The fashionably late begin to file in.

1:17: First-Year Cameron Campbell wonders if black lipstick is a bit too much.

1:22: Students begin to share their experiences, and receive glares from people working in Frost Cafe.

1:34: Amherst College republicans arrive, carrying casket containing free speech, and offer to deliver eulogy.

1:47: Sophomore Alan Keezer walks in to print out a reading, cannot leave so as not to appear racist.

1:58: Amir Hall ’17 melts our hearts.

2:06: Paramedics arrive to resuscitate those whose hearts were melted by Amir Hall ’17.

2:13: Biddy Martin watches Season 2, Episode 7 of “Friends” on Netflix.

2:25: The profile pictures begin changing.

2:32: Racism is explained to the lacrosse team.

2:47: Conservative first year Jack Smith is trapped in A-Level after printing out more free speech fliers.

3:20: Librarian canned for shushing students having loud, enthusiastic conversation about race. “I wasn’t trying to make a statement or anything… it’s just second nature,” said the racist librarian.

3:36: Biddy Martin can’t decide between taking a nap or re-watching her favorite episode of “Friends”, “The One Where No-One’s Ready.”

3:42: Kid studying who isn’t on social media conveniently wears his black northface. He just goes with the flow as people start solemnly piling in next to him.

3:54: Many note that Frost is a low-key great place to mack right now.

4:10: Prospective students wanders into Frost. Put off by large class size.

4:13: Biddy Martin warms up some hot pockets she found in the freezer yesterday.

4:20: Stoners lament that racial tension is so high, but they are not.

4:34: The fashionably woke begin to file in.

4:44: Make a wish!

4:52: Two people with conflicting experiences settle it in the only way Amherst students can: single combat.

5:02: Lazy Junior Sam Fifer notes that this is the longest he’s ever spent in frost in one sitting.

5:13: Sophomore who deleted his facebook thinks he just walked into an emo pizza scavenger hunt.

5:22: All students of color approached to begin small group discussions, despite how able they are to lead small group discussions.

5:41: Muck-Rake liveblogger realizes that only people not at the event will be reading this, and should adjust journalistic lens to match that.

5:42: Why do people need to talk about race when a black president has been elected? #AC4FreeSpeech

5:48: I’ve never been racist, and my father’s hedge fund hires black people all the time! #AC4FreeSpeech

6:02: Why would we want to get rid of racism? Until 1865, it was the biggest job-creator in the nation! #AC4FreeSpeech

6:10: Muck-Rake liveblogger is physically disgusted with himself, and decides to change his journalistic lens again.

6:14: Student who missed class this morning due to “sickness” is trying to cough convincingly while speaking to professor about social justice.

6:21: Senior chooses apple pie at Val over solidarity with students of color. “I’m sure they’ll understand,” she said, pouring soft-serve over her dessert.

6:32: Lax team finally understands racism, never has to think about it ever again.

6:43: Pizza makes all the difficulty of race dialogue melt away in a mixture of cheese and tomato.

6:47: Back room Val “Sit in” enters record 9th slice of pie.

6:52: Black student struggles to come up with more experiences to share to a sea of expectant faces.

7:01: Student torn between desire to show solidarity by remaining seated and  standing up to relieve horrible, horrible pins and needles feeling in left leg.

7:12: Grab-n-Go shows racial solidarity in the only way it knows how: Bacon Avocado sandwiches.

7:25: The perfect time to finally make moves on that cute first-year that’s into social justice.

7:35: Student’s video makes it onto “Somber Discussions about race” snap story.

7:42: “Free food in Frost!” – Senior who was in C-level this whole time.

7:53: Biddy Martin shakes Japanese flight attendant to tell the pilot to “go faster,” then wakes up from her hot pocket-induced fever dream.

8:00: Racial solidarity raffle winners announced.

8:08: Campus Republican puts the final touches on mental rebuttal to the experiences of fellow students.

8:13: Guy walks away with jacket full of Bacon Avocado sandwiches, fancy chips, and apples.

8:22: First person ever takes notice of display case in lobby of Frost.

8:31: Front window of Frost covered in greasy fingerprints. Further evidence liberals don’t wash hands.

8:43: Student who stayed at protest for 20 minutes writes email to professor explaining why he can’t take his econ test tomorrow.

8:54: Biddy commences shaking in her boots.

9:02: Shruti Badri ’16 defends India’s war record, to critical acclaim.

9:11: Siena Eileen ’17 speaks to the issue of invisibility of Asian student issues; I just wish I could have seen her from my seat in the back corner.

9:23: Abbas Shah ’18 discusses the extra burdens placed on international students; is assured he does not need a visa to remain in our hearts and minds.

9:34: David Zhang ’17 explains the culture shock he experienced with the American sense of humor; with that in mind, this update will not feature a joke.

9:46: The list of demands is completed, and deliberations about who gets to read which demand begin.

9:54: Biddy Martin arrives, having woken up from her nap in the car.

10:03: The order of demand readers is finalized.

10:11: Athri Ranganathan ’16 revels in the ability to say “fuck” in front of Biddy Martin.

10:13: Lerato, Sanyu, and Katyana are honored at the attempt at a chant, but since none happened, agree to do one backstage amongst themselves.

10:22: The organizers begin to read their demands.

10:24: People learn about all types of racism and exclusion they never tried before, and start to get ideas.

10:32: Lord Jeff’s spirit cries out in pain of being officially exorcised from the Amherst College Student body.

10:42: The list of demands is completed, and President Martin appears disappointed that they did not request an immediate performance of an original song and dance, as she had been preparing one.

10:44:  Students get to learn about the cool organizations they attended once, and never again.

10:47: The Muck-Rake, though present for the entire afternoon, is excluded from the list of campus groups present. The exclusion stings just as it did in middle school gym class.

10:56: Biddy Martin wonders if she left the oven on.

11:02: Biddy agrees to look over the demands before signing it in front of a thousand angry students, preferring instead to consult a thousand angry alumni.

11:06: Three students agree to go on hunger strike, to end whenever.

11:07: The students have released the conditions under which they will end their strike, and they are as follows:

11:11: If everyone wishes for racial harmony, it might come true!

11:23: Everyone wonders which filter makes solidarity pop more.

11:36: The sit-in continues  while people go to their rooms and wonder what they’re going to do with all the time they have now that others have worked to get classes cancelled.

Professor Can’t Believe Students Are Writing This Shit Down


PRUYNE LECTURE HALL, Amherst, MA—During the halfway point of his ninety minute lecture, Professor Joseph Rieke watched his students scribble in their notebooks while in complete and utter disbelief that they continued to write this shit down.

Rieke’s incredulity that students would even think about listening to this shit began when he learned that his class, “The Science of Gazing”, a 300 level Art History/English/Neuroscience/LJST course, had over fifty people pre-registered for it in the spring.

“All of you actually wanted to sign up for this? I didn’t expect anyone to show up,” he explained to everyone on the first day of class. “I mean, did any of you even look at the syllabus? There’s only one reading: the soul. Wait, did you just write that down? Are you writing this down right now? Ooga-booga. Wobbledee wobbledee wop. Still writing? Holy shit.”

Rieke has taught the course for over a decade, and he observes that as they get further in the semester, students are even more willing to accept absolutely anything he says as undisputed law. He reportedly remarked to his students: “You gaze in, and suddenly you’re in touch with that thing that puts you in through with everything else.”

“They ate that shit up,” he scoffed.

According to Rieke, he can talk about anything and everything that comes to mind. His most recent lecture focused on the ontology of Monet, the space race, and being controlled by the illuminati. It culminated in a request that students go home and gaze at the Mona Lisa from the insides of their soul, then to imagine seeing it from the perspective of someone having sex for the last time before they’re sent to battle on the Eastern Front; a request that each student fulfilled dutifully.

“The class is amazingly illuminating, fundamentally life-changing in every way,” says Jill Edelweiss. “All my other classes are about stuff like Math, or History, or Learning. It’s good to make a change, and really envelop myself in the ooze of understanding, gyrating in the epiphanic experience of the ‘wisdom-injections’: Professor Rieke’s word for ‘lecture’. He’s really opened my eyes.”

“All three of them,” she added.

His office hours are unorthodox as well. When asking for a letter of recommendation, a student forgoes the usual process and must express their request in the form of a thirty minute interpretive dance. The letter is generally stuffed into the student’s waistband during the performance.

He hopes to continue to address what he considers to be the fundamental crisis of the condition of our lives: namely, “estrangement from our high-school sweethearts, Malia Obama, and whether or not to wear pants.”

“Any questions?”

There were none.

Professor Poe Fined $125 for Dominating Text of Stop Sign

Amherst, MA — Political Science Professor Andrew Poe received a $125 Fine for dominating the text of the stop sign at the intersection of Main Street and Pleasant Street, sources confirm.

“He raced right by,” said Officer Bradley Dennison-VaTontsky. “I had to pull him him over.”

“As I approached the text,” said Poe, “I want to engage with it fully, and not let it dominate me. I think there’s a way in which this led to my misinterpretation.”

To compensate for his error, Poe has agreed to spend the weekend re-reading the text of the sign, to better understand its nuances.

Why I Wrote “Peter Uvin: Masturbator?”

Screen shot 2014-02-24 at 8.03.49 PM

(deputymetroeditor)– In the time since I posted “Peter Uvin, Masturbator?” on this website, I have had several conversations about the article and the controversy it provoked. I published the article because the incident it described was a newsworthy story. However, I should have taken a different approach in doing so. Making clear why I thought this story was important and highlighting the issues that it raised would have encouraged a more productive discussion about the issues behind the story instead of the wild speculation about my supposed anti-masturbation agenda that occurred in its place. Ironically, my attempt to leave my personal opinions out of the story probably created more controversy than if I had included them in the article.

I had chosen to write the article in (what I thought was) an “objective and unbiased” tone because I knew that masturbation is a controversial subject at the College. I wanted to separate the story from my personal views on jerkin’ the gherkin because I thought doing so would benefit discussion on the real issue behind the story—the regulative vacuum in which an administrator flogging the dolphin exists—rather than my own beliefs about the masturbation question, especially since I don’t have a particularly strong opinion on the matter. I purposefully attempted to include various administrators’ side of the story and emailed them a partial draft to ensure that they thought I was being accurate and fair, and I refrained from any editorializing in the article (in contrast to previous investigative pieces I have written for this site). Throughout the whole process, I made every effort to produce a balanced narrative that included a range of perspectives on the incident.

This strategy obviously failed. Judging by the comments, a significant number of students and alumni believe that I am either an anti-five knuckle shuffle fanatic with a large axe to grind or a sordid trader in salacious gossip. Neither description fits reality, but this ill-founded conjecture ultimately distracted people from my real purpose in writing this story. This was in some ways my fault—by not stating explicitly why I wrote this article, I left people guessing about what I really thought about charming the snake instead of debating the issues I hoped to raise.

To be explicit about my “agenda” in writing this article, I think that the lack of oversight of administrators roping the pony creates circumstances—such as the one discussed in the article—in which the College is unable to respond to potentially groundbreaking student inquiry in a timely fashion. Additionally, I think there has been an unjustified taboo on discussing the role of playing pocket pool in creating a campus culture in which waiting around for email responses occurs on a far too frequent basis; holding the sausage hostage obviously isn’t the root of all evil, but the regulative vacuum in which it exists necessarily begets inconvenient situations. The response to this doesn’t have to be the outright banning of going to the palm prom, but we have to figure out how to address this problem if we want to make real progress towards a better campus community.

I should also note that my purpose in writing this article was never to attack Peter Uvin or the other administrators involved. While I think that the decision to not respond to my email for almost two hours failed to account for the potential effects that it could have had, the administrators involved appear to have taken precautions to ensure that they check their inboxes before engaging in some hand to glans combat in the future. Their actions, however, highlighted the problem I discussed above—what if they hadn’t taken those precautions?

To make a long story short, I made one mistake by not being explicit about my reasons for writing the article, and I made another by not being upfront about the fact that I like applying the hand brake as much as the next guy. For those I apologize, but I do not in any way regret publishing the article. This incident highlighted a gap in the College’s ability to aid its students in criticizing its own decisions, and it showed that the unregulated nature of fiddling the flesh flute can create potentially dangerous situations in which the students cannot meet their deadlines. Those reasons alone made it worth publishing.