Hate Crimes This Early in Year “Unprecedented,” say Racial Climate Scientists

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AMHERST, MA – Following the discovery of a rope tied into a noose on Pratt Field, racial climate scientists have released a statement calling the amount of oppression this early in the year “unprecedented.” “Usually racism, sexism, and transphobia emerges in the later fall and early winter, when people are cold and have nothing better to do than post on the internet or write slurs on bathroom mirrors,” says Danielle Hall, a researcher with the NOAA (National Ombudsmen of Amherst Alienation). “Now people aren’t even waiting until add-drop ends to tear down posters denouncing the KKK.” To avoid the most extreme effects of Amherst’s racial climate, officials recommend students stay off Facebook, be a straight white man, or put your fingers in your ears whenever anybody discusses marginalization.

Report: Class of 2021 Is a Bunch of Fuckin’ Nerds


As the first day of classes comes to a close, sources have confirmed that this year’s freshman class contains the greatest number of try-hard freaks in Amherst College history. With an acceptance rate of just 13.0 percent and an average SAT score of 2232, Katherine “Katie” Fretwell, Dean of Admissions, declared last Tuesday that the class of 2021 is the biggest batch of losers she’s ever seen. She went on to say that these young men and women are tirelessly curious about think pieces, TED talks, fracking, kidney disease, and 18th century Japanese poetry, with a sizable number cult-ishly participating in games of Magic: The Gathering.

“I can say with confidence that this year is by far the smartest and most boring group of people that we’ve ever admitted,” Fretwell stated, noting that while 43 percent of the class say they are people of color, 14 percent of that group are really just white people claiming to be one eighth Cherokee. 75 percent of the young men have never seen a naked woman before, 66 percent have never tasted beer before, and, of that 66 percent, 90 percent will think that it tastes ‘yucky’ upon their first sips.

Alumni interviewers report that an overwhelming number of admitted students claimed that The Great Gatsby was their favorite book, and that their AP Language teacher “totally changed their lives for the better.” In an attempt to seem relatable, many of these robots joked that in their free time they loved volunteering for Habitat for Humanity and napping (“haha!”).

Upperclassmen will be happy to know that these admitted students have fully integrated into the party scene at Amherst College, with a cool 40 percent having woken up three days into orientation covered in their own jungle juice vomit.

As this tiny, geeky hoard explores the campus, avoid eye contact. It scares them. Approach with caution and stray from conversation about a certain school that rhymes with “Schmarvard.”

Career Center Shifts Location from College Hall to Table at New York City Club PHD

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Following an internal restructuring, the Loeb Center for Career Exploration and Planning has announced that it will permanently vacate its offices in College Hall and relocate to a table in the trendy New York City nightclub PHD.

“To properly deliver guidance to Amherst students, we need to be at the heart of their professional journeys,” explained Career Center director Emily Griffen. “It’s impossible to get anyone to come in to the Center, but if you tell these kids that you’ve got a table at a club, they’ll come like bees to honey.”

“And it doesn’t hurt,” Griffen added in a whisper, “that these students are super hopped up on Adderall and cocaine. Their information retention goes through the roof.”

Rising Senior Jessica Werther, who is currently a Summer Associate at J.P. Morgan, praised the Career Center’s rebranding.

“90% of Amherst students choose their careers just so they can afford to go to places that will be impressive Instagram locations,” Werther explained. “So why not make the Career Center an impressive Instagram location in its own right?” Werther quickly glanced down at some faded writing on her hand titled “Literally Any Elevator Pitch” and added, “It’s simply a comprehensive target-demographic synergistic viral marketing appeal that has upside-potential across all platforms. In summation, Career Center x PHD is just Uber for college career services.”

In an attempt to streamline its staff, the Loeb Center for Career Exploration and Planning  has also fired all profession-specific advisors. The Center will instead employ the fathers of the Men’s Squash team, who can send an email to Gary at Goldman explaining how your grades are not at all a reflection of your professional capabilities.

Biddy Makes Executive Decision to Turn New Science Center into One Huge “Trap House”


Amherst, MA – As the first academic year without the Socials comes to a close, President Biddy Martin has decided that the new Science Center will be better served as a raging party palace.

“TBH, the social scene has been pretty dry this year,” commented Martin in an exclusive Muck-Rake interview. “And with the construction finally taking shape, my decision seems clearer than ever. It’s time to put away those science books and get f*cking LIT.”

One specific consideration President Martin hopes to implement is the transformation of the building’s top floor into a “Biddy-themed fun factory,” characterized by German house music, non-gendered stripper performances, kegs of Pinot Noir, and intermittent explosions of confetti and excerpts from the Student Handbook. She believes these changes will better facilitate students’ transition into the Amherst community.

When asked how alumni, donors, and trustees might respond to this development, Biddy replied, “Who gives a fig about those nerds?” To supplement this new action Biddy also intends to start hosting a “pre-game” open-bar at Val on Friday nights, which will take place in lieu of the traditional salad bar. Again, when queried about concerns regarding the nutrition implications of this decision, Martin retorted, “Last I checked lettuce doesn’t get you f*cked up.”

Lastly, to prepare for the party atmosphere sure to come with the new construction, Biddy has taken it upon herself to “ice” people around campus (hiding Smirnoff Ices and requiring that they be drunk immediately upon sight). She hopes this will foster connectivity and inclusivity.

“For example, I hid an Ice in the women’s bathroom in Converse and walked in on our Registrar Kathleen Kilverton chugging it. Dean Epstein was all up in her face, calling her soft and screaming at her to finish every last drop. As I understand it, they are very good friends now.”

Mascot Announcement Causes Mammoth Overreaction from Amherst Community

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“We’re holding a sit-in at the Beneski Museum until this decision is reversed!” yelled one student holding a “NOT MY PACHYDERM” poster.

“This is just another example of anti-athlete culture at this school,” commented a weirdly-avid supporter of sports at Amherst. “Clearly, leftist alumni and students believe extinction is the best path for athletics, when ironically, athletes are the only people that really LIVE at this godforsaken school,” explained the jazzed-up non-athlete.

On the other end of the spectrum of completely excessive responses, one elated student has vowed to sacrifice the blood of 1,000 cows as a token of gratitude to the God of Mascot Decisions.

Meanwhile, The Indicator staff has been doing some hard-hitting journalism to uncover whether or not mammoths are truly representative of Amherst Athletics. After canvasing Facebook for anonymous sources, Jane Tribeck ’17, stated, “I ran the numbers and came up with some really great stats:

Of all the Mammoths on campus, 102% of them have never participated in varsity athletics.

On the entire football roster, only 34.6% of linemen could be described as ‘Mammoth-like’ based on their weight and amount of body hair.

Only 17.38% of all students who have been or are currently on the hockey team can identify the difference between a real life Mammoth and Ray Romano’s character ‘Manny’ from the Ice Age franchise.”

While the Muck-Rake vows to remain impartial on these issues, it seems as though the Mammoths will serve as an apt symbol of the Amherst community’s reaction to literally anything.