Amherst, MA – As the first academic year without the Socials comes to a close, President Biddy Martin has decided that the new Science Center will be better served as a raging party palace.
“TBH, the social scene has been pretty dry this year,” commented Martin in an exclusive Muck-Rake interview. “And with the construction finally taking shape, my decision seems clearer than ever. It’s time to put away those science books and get f*cking LIT.”
One specific consideration President Martin hopes to implement is the transformation of the building’s top floor into a “Biddy-themed fun factory,” characterized by German house music, non-gendered stripper performances, kegs of Pinot Noir, and intermittent explosions of confetti and excerpts from the Student Handbook. She believes these changes will better facilitate students’ transition into the Amherst community.
When asked how alumni, donors, and trustees might respond to this development, Biddy replied, “Who gives a fig about those nerds?” To supplement this new action Biddy also intends to start hosting a “pre-game” open-bar at Val on Friday nights, which will take place in lieu of the traditional salad bar. Again, when queried about concerns regarding the nutrition implications of this decision, Martin retorted, “Last I checked lettuce doesn’t get you f*cked up.”
Lastly, to prepare for the party atmosphere sure to come with the new construction, Biddy has taken it upon herself to “ice” people around campus (hiding Smirnoff Ices and requiring that they be drunk immediately upon sight). She hopes this will foster connectivity and inclusivity.
“For example, I hid an Ice in the women’s bathroom in Converse and walked in on our Registrar Kathleen Kilverton chugging it. Dean Epstein was all up in her face, calling her soft and screaming at her to finish every last drop. As I understand it, they are very good friends now.”