AMHERST, MA – In an effort to spark conversation with alumni about what the school is doing to be “lit” in 2017, the Office of Student affairs has created a new Bonfire Resource Center. Provided at the center will be the remaining manuscripts from the Library of Alexandria, Matches, Public computers with FREE printing (in the bonfire), hot coffee and tea (very hot), and a space for students to set things on fire, together.
During the opening ceremony, President Martin will preside over the traditional Bonfire Reaping to select the new Chief of Student Affairs following Suzanne Coffey’s demise in the arena.
Thank you for inspiring our general laziness and incompetence, Suzanne. On behalf of the Muck-Rake staff, you will be missed.
The shrub coverage and fresh, cushy grass are ideal for sweet, sweet lovin’ on this warm September night.
This Monday, the one student unlucky enough to guess the total number of candy corns in this container will win everyone’s least favorite candy. Nothing says fall quite like wishing you had any other treat.
“Shit! They’re going to come after me with a sit-in, protest and statement of demands in no time. This is URGENT,” squealed President Martin before chugging a glass of whiskey. Sources confirm that Martin was last seen nervously hovering her mouse over the “send” button on her last email while constantly refreshing weather.com’s natural disaster page.
“So where is this happening???” asked several eager event coordinators as they put the final touches on their costumes and confirmed with their dates one more time.
Dear Students, Faculty, and Staff,
Now that two juveniles have been identified as the perpetrators of this heinous act of racism, the Amherst College community has no need to think about, to act on, or to talk about the noose incident ever again. The campus is clearly devoid of any form of bigotry or discrimination, so let’s just all go to sleep and forget this ever happened. You’re in the clear, OK? Move on because it’s over, it’s done.
We appreciate the patience and support of the community while the matter was investigated. Now it’s time to quietly let this one go.
-The Amherst College Police Department