Biddy Makes Executive Decision to Turn New Science Center into One Huge “Trap House”

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Amherst, MA – As the first academic year without the Socials comes to a close, President Biddy Martin has decided that the new Science Center will be better served as a raging party palace.

“TBH, the social scene has been pretty dry this year,” commented Martin in an exclusive Muck-Rake interview. “And with the construction finally taking shape, my decision seems clearer than ever. It’s time to put away those science books and get f*cking LIT.”

One specific consideration President Martin hopes to implement is the transformation of the building’s top floor into a “Biddy-themed fun factory,” characterized by German house music, non-gendered stripper performances, kegs of Pinot Noir, and intermittent explosions of confetti and excerpts from the Student Handbook. She believes these changes will better facilitate students’ transition into the Amherst community.

When asked how alumni, donors, and trustees might respond to this development, Biddy replied, “Who gives a fig about those nerds?” To supplement this new action Biddy also intends to start hosting a “pre-game” open-bar at Val on Friday nights, which will take place in lieu of the traditional salad bar. Again, when queried about concerns regarding the nutrition implications of this decision, Martin retorted, “Last I checked lettuce doesn’t get you f*cked up.”

Lastly, to prepare for the party atmosphere sure to come with the new construction, Biddy has taken it upon herself to “ice” people around campus (hiding Smirnoff Ices and requiring that they be drunk immediately upon sight). She hopes this will foster connectivity and inclusivity.

“For example, I hid an Ice in the women’s bathroom in Converse and walked in on our Registrar Kathleen Kilverton chugging it. Dean Epstein was all up in her face, calling her soft and screaming at her to finish every last drop. As I understand it, they are very good friends now.”

Mascot Announcement Causes Mammoth Overreaction from Amherst Community

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“We’re holding a sit-in at the Beneski Museum until this decision is reversed!” yelled one student holding a “NOT MY PACHYDERM” poster.

“This is just another example of anti-athlete culture at this school,” commented a weirdly-avid supporter of sports at Amherst. “Clearly, leftist alumni and students believe extinction is the best path for athletics, when ironically, athletes are the only people that really LIVE at this godforsaken school,” explained the jazzed-up non-athlete.

On the other end of the spectrum of completely excessive responses, one elated student has vowed to sacrifice the blood of 1,000 cows as a token of gratitude to the God of Mascot Decisions.

Meanwhile, The Indicator staff has been doing some hard-hitting journalism to uncover whether or not mammoths are truly representative of Amherst Athletics. After canvasing Facebook for anonymous sources, Jane Tribeck ’17, stated, “I ran the numbers and came up with some really great stats:

Of all the Mammoths on campus, 102% of them have never participated in varsity athletics.

On the entire football roster, only 34.6% of linemen could be described as ‘Mammoth-like’ based on their weight and amount of body hair.

Only 17.38% of all students who have been or are currently on the hockey team can identify the difference between a real life Mammoth and Ray Romano’s character ‘Manny’ from the Ice Age franchise.”

While the Muck-Rake vows to remain impartial on these issues, it seems as though the Mammoths will serve as an apt symbol of the Amherst community’s reaction to literally anything.