Keefe Masseuse Not Trained to Relieve this Much Tension

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Amherst, MA – As part of their pre-finals programming, the Office of Student Activities is hosting a team of massage therapists wholly unequipped to alleviate the months of crippling stress your body has experienced.

“This will be a great way to help students relax [though there’s no real possibility that a massage will undo the physical tolls of a semester’s worth of panic],” stated one administrative representative.

“I’m just happy I can help,” said one masseuse in Keefe who after feeling your back for one second laughed, “Oh god, I would actually need a power drill to get rid of some of these knots.”

Following tonight, this week’s de-stressing activities will include calling your mom while in fetal position and pouring water on an A-level computer out of frustration.

How Suzanne Coffey Stole Christmas


Gather ‘round children, for it’s time you all hear,
How one frightful dame stole our holiday cheer.

‘Twas the one time of year to forget all our woes,
To toast life before essays for Franks and for Poes.

There we stood laughing, a pure joyful sight,
Drinking responsibly to start our safe night.

Meanwhile in an office, not too far away,
Coffey worked out her plan to ruin our day.

To Hitchcock she drove with a smile most unpleasant,
Scheming ill schemes ‘gainst the joy of the present.

Coming closer with cronies who came right behind,
Coffey crept up the stairs with this one goal in mind:

“I must crush the fun, oh how it’s awful!
I don’t even care if their glee is lawful!”

She walked through the dorm, tearing down paper and light–
Yes, Coffey took pleasure in her one form of might!

She then plotted to upset the most innocent of souls,
For unjust targeting is one of her main goals.

There she appeared, eyes looking crazed-
We were all speechless; we were truly amazed.

We then uttered, “Isn’t it late? Shouldn’t you be resting?”
To which she cried, “Be quiet, there’s no use protesting!”

Everyone remained still; this was really weird.
Coffey stood her ground too, hoping she was feared.

At last we asked, “Can you please give us but one safe space?”
She replied, “I swear to you all, this is not about race!”

And so we laughed, “You’d rather us join the Jenkins crowd?”
To which she squealed, “Just leave now! This isn’t allowed!”

And so we left glum, though not quite surprised.
This is Amherst, for God’s sake, not one thing goes unsupervised.

But more than anything we pity poor Suzanne-
Did she think she was useful, executing this plan?

Coffey, please know, that no matter what you say or think,
Students will continue to dance, sometimes to drink.

If anything your intrusion made us a little bit mad-
I mean, come on, our social life is already pretty bad!

And so children I urge you to please remain wary,
For Suzanne might appear anytime you feel merry.

Yes, at the end of the night, Coffey’s heart remained small-
And that, my friends, is the most tragic Christmas story of all.



New Bonfire Resource Center on Track for 2017 Completion



AMHERST, MA – In an effort to spark conversation with alumni about what the school is doing to be “lit” in 2017, the Office of Student affairs has created a new Bonfire Resource Center. Provided at the center will be the remaining manuscripts from the Library of Alexandria, Matches, Public computers with FREE printing (in the bonfire), hot coffee and tea (very hot), and a space for students to set things on fire, together.

During  the opening ceremony, President Martin will preside over the traditional Bonfire Reaping to select the new Chief of Student Affairs following Suzanne Coffey’s demise in the arena.

ACPD: Noose Incident Resolved, Over, Donezo, No Further Action or Discussion Required



Dear Students, Faculty, and Staff,

Now that two juveniles have been identified as the perpetrators of this heinous act of racism, the Amherst College community has no need to think about, to act on, or to talk about the noose incident ever again. The campus is clearly devoid of any form of bigotry or discrimination, so let’s just all go to sleep and forget this ever happened. You’re in the clear, OK? Move on because it’s over, it’s done.

We appreciate the patience and support of the community while the matter was investigated. Now it’s time to quietly let this one go.

-The Amherst College Police Department