Meet Klargon, Your New Class Dean.

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AMHERST, MA — In an exciting change of pace for her administration, President Carolyn “Biddy” Martin has announced the appointment of a new dean, following an extensive hiring search into the planets of the TRAPPIST-1 solar system and Omega Centauri star cluster. The New York-based consulting firm hired by the administration to make its decisions confirmed that this area of deep space contains biochemical environments conducive to life forms with experience in the residential college model.

“Our previous administrators have lacked sufficient prior exposure to the liberal arts, and many have felt alien to the student body,” lamented President Martin. “That’s why we picked Klargon, Harbinger of Dark Matter and Destroyer of the Seven Suns, to serve as our next freshman class dean.”

“My door is always open!” said Klargon, who plans to hold weekly office hours. “In this dimension, that is,” he added with a wink.

Klargon, as President Martin highlighted in her campus-wide email, has extensive academic and administrative experience. He has worked on numerous curricular revisions, overseen far-reaching academic programs, and, famously, spearheaded the unionization of the Neutrino mines in Galaxy Sector-B. Klargon also knows what all students are doing at all times because for him, time functions backwards and in a flat disk. It is advised that you not email him asking for extensions, because he literally will not understand!

Administrators report that Klargon has already started to engage with the student body in a way that feels very productive. “Tusks up!” said Klargon, raising his all twelve of his hands to his third face.

On Klargon’s arrival to campus, Dean Gendron remarked, “The guy is magnetic. Really, my computer exploded the moment he walked into Converse. As soon as I saw gravity reverse itself in his presence and all my documents fling themselves onto the ceiling, I thought, ‘this guy knows what he’s doing.’”

Last month, Klargon, who actually bleeds purple, was present at President Martin’s speech to a group of accepted students. Students reported Klargon’s incredible warmth at the reception, measuring 900 Kelvin and incinerating one of Val’s fruit and cookie platters.

“Terras Irradient!” President Martin told the students. “May you light up the world.”

“All of them,” added Klargon.

As students filed out, Klargon was heard muttering “Good luck lighting up Kepler-69c. There’s a black hole two light-years away. Not even David Foster Wlargon could shine a candle on that place.”

New Cryptocurrency Emerges: Stolen Coats

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AMHERST, MA – Last night so many coats were stolen from Jenkins that the stolen coat has become its own cryptocurrency. Stolen Jenkins Coats (SJC) is open-source, its design is public, and everyone can take part. Mining coats is easy. Simply show your Amherst ID to the strange bouncers nobody hired, enter the building, and then have at it. Economists project coats stolen from Jenkins last night will become more valuable than bitcoin by 2018, especially the ones that had wallets in the side pockets! Yahtzee! Get started with SJC today. There are no consequences.

Heidi Gilpin Announces New Course: COURSE

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Note: This is preliminary information about this course. Final course information will be published shortly before the start of the semester.

SPRING 2018

COURSE

Listed in: European Studies, as EUST-369, | Film and Media Studies, as FAMS-482 | German, as GERM-666 | Studies Studies, as STUD-111

Faculty
Heidi Gilpin (Section 01)

Description

Over an eclipsed period of geologic space-time, we will chronologically and epistemologically investigate the ontology of teleology, making full use of the Writing Center. From a distinctly interdisciplinary standpoint we will collaboratively inquire into the nature of COURSE: its sense of touch, sound, sight, smell, hearing, audio, video, taste, electromagnetism, geopolitics, and HDMI capability. Modeled on Richard Linklater’s groundbreaking cinematic achievement, “Boyhood,” students who choose to enroll in COURSE will commence a ten-year commitment to nonstop psychoanalysis of those students who have chosen to enroll in COURSE. Over the course of those ten years we hope to divine epistemically concrete answers to the following ancient questions: where does COURSE meet, and when? Should you be scared that this is cross listed as a 600-level German seminar? Yes, of course you should. Writing attentive. 

 

Limited to 15 students: Enrollment requires attendance at the first class meeting, which has been happening continuously since 1821. Spring Semester. Professor Gilpin.

If Overenrolled: preference given to seniors, then juniors, then flat-earthers, then sophomores.

Note: There is a laboratory section of this course, but you are already in it.

Keywords

Attention to writing, Attention to speaking, Attention to looking, Attention to listening, Attention to hearing, Attention to stealth, Attention to bio-mechanical equilibration, Attention to Heidi Gilpin, Attention to COURSE.

Cost: 0 ?

Location: THE CLASSROOM

Course Time: When you least expect it. 
Offerings: Fall 2018-Spring 2029, Omitted 2021-2025 for WWIII.

All of the Floors of Frost Ranked in Terms of How Close They are to the Sky

Frost Sky

1. C Level

  • Look up. What do you see? Whatever you see, it’s still way underground. In terms of being close to the sky, C Level is blowing it.

2. The Mariana Trench

  • The deepest part of the world’s oceans, and one floor above C level.  Accessible only by submersible and Dunstan McNutt.  Ask him for a tour, but be warned: you will be really far from the sky.

3. B Level

  • Fairly unremarkable and fairly far from the sky. Avoid.

4. A Level

  • It may be A level, but I can think of a level even closer to the sky! Spoiler alert – I can actually think of several. If you really crane your neck out of your cubicle and all the way up the stairs, you might be able to see some sweet, sweet sky.

5. 1st Floor

  • Hello my little cicadas. At long last you’ve reached ground level. Ready to forage? Look outside! On a good day, you can see the sun. On a bad day, you can see exactly who you don’t want to see.  Don’t you wish you were closer to the sky?

6. 2nd Floor

  • Feel the air getting thinner? Smell your ears clogging up? You’re at cruising altitude, baby! Look at all those little ants scurrying about on the quad. Oh wait, those are people down there. You can now use your approved portable electronic devices, but not too loudly – Zeus himself is studying for a bio exam up here!  

7. 3rd Floor

  • Watch out, Icarus! You are in the sky, where Amelia Earheart has been hiding all along. Think you can hear the pearly gates a-creakin’? That’s just Dunstan “God” McNutt guest-swiping deserving souls into eternal paradise. Once you’ve tasted the forbidden rice of heaven, there will be no doubt in your mind that 3rd Floor Frost is the closest floor in Frost to the sky. Say, is that Bird Pritchard?

The Search for a Mascot is On: The Muck-Rake Weighs In

The Amherst administration recently reached out to the student body for help in choosing a new mascot. While no official list of candidates has yet been fielded, we’ve come up with a few who we think are worth the student body’s consideration:

  1. Lord Jeff, Commander-in-Chief of British Army (~1756)

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A classic, and honestly, a no-brainer. I mean, the guy’s full name is Lord Jeffrey Amherst. You catch that last bit? ‘AMHERST’ How is this guy not crushing in the polls? Even better yet, the Lord Jeffy A. is an old white guy. Who doesn’t like old white guys? Remember that Clint Eastwood movie where Clint Eastwood plays an old white dude living in Detroit and he’s super racist and mean but at the end he becomes the hero? Pretty awesome.

Pros: No one has to buy new clothes for school spirit.

Cons: None come to mind.

2. Harambe, Western Lowland Gorilla

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One second a gorilla is getting tragically shot in a zoo for endangering a child, the next second his name is hilarious forever. I mean literally, forever. Every time I hear a joke about Harambe, it’s like the first time. Everyone PLEASE keep telling them. You can’t deny his potential; forget all the moose-huggers out there who might complain about animal abuse, respect, and similar mumbo-jumbo, this deceased gorilla is a keeper.

Pros: School spirit chants like “RIP Harambe!” “Dicks out for Harambe!” and “RIP Harambe!”

Cons: None come to mind.

 

3. Kevin James, Actor(?)

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To be honest, I ran out of ideas after the first two; I had to phone a friend for this one. I was in line at Grab-and-Go with a fellow Muck-Raker, so I asked him what he thought the mascot should be… this was his immediate response. Personally, I think “Grown-Ups” was bad to the point of being offensive, and “Paul Blart: Mall Cop” was a crime against humanity. But I’ve literally run out of ideas. Plus, the first two suggestions are no longer living, so maybe this is the best choice.

 

Pros: He is alive. (Right?)

Cons: It’s Kevin James.

 

4. Norm Pollard, Speaker from Hazing Meeting

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Now this is a guy who can keep a crowd going. After a stellar, sold-out debut at the required hazing meeting for Amherst athletes, Norm Pollard, the “wizard” of hazing, has seen his stock skyrocket here on campus. His speech on why hazing is bad was so compelling that not only did students in attendance learn that hazing is bad, but Norm even got a standing ovation before he finished talking. This guy would in no way be out of place walking around at a football game… mascot or not.

 

Pros: Everything.

Cons: Muck-Rake will probably have to end its initiation of tying new freshman writers to goal posts.

 

5. Androgynous Extraterrestrial Glob, Visitor from Outer Space

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I know what you’re thinking at this point: “Too many old white guys in the lineup!” Well, we found the perfect solution. This extra terrestrial amorphous blob is the ultimate 2016 mascot, being entirely devoid of any race, sexual orientation, religion, gender, age, or nationality. Boring? Yes. A non-offensive, conflict-free choice? God I hope so.

 

Pros: Political Correctness +500

Cons: The glob may or may not be harboring an ultra-contagious space disease, e.g. Jupiter-flu, comet-measles, Pluto-crabs .

No Longer Golden Child, Class of 2019 Mass Immolates

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Amherst, MA – With the third week of classes starting, members of the class of 2019 have begun self-immolating to escape the crushing realization that they are no longer Amherst’s Golden Child.

The class of 2019’s feelings of ineptitude began earlier this month with Dean of Admissions Katie Fretwell’s declaration that the Class of 2020 was the most accomplished class ever admitted to Amherst.

The class of 2020 boasts a wide range of victories come from a wide walk of backgrounds, including Firefighters, professional backgammon players and members of ISIS (the middle-eastern terrorist cell). In contrast, the Class of 2019 only had post office workers, a minor-league Mancala player  and ISIS (The ancient Egyptian goddess).

In a collective letter written to their professors, the Class of 2019 asked for forgiveness for their inadequacy.

“We simply cannot compete with the excellency of the Class of 2020, with their colorful collection of jet plane fighter pilots, Nobel laureates and  record shattering 5 Alabaman Students (all legacy spouse-siblings from the first two Alabamans last year). We relinquish ourselves to the cycle of life, in hopes of being reborn as someone who can play the harmonica or as a set of Siamese twins.”

In the soccer field, all that remained of the gruesome display were piles of ash and charred accolades that once held meaning. Facilities has announced the remains will be used for fireplace training, despite not quite being up to their usual standards.

“Although they are not the most prestigious class at Amherst, one thing is certain: they were the class that burned the brightest.” said Fretwell, as she attempted to shape the ashes into “Terras Irradient” for a brochure photo.

Black Student Barely Holds It Together As One More Person Asks Her About Ta-Nehisi Coates

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“It’s definitely about race,” Rita Johnson ’18 says to me during our conversation this past weekend. “That’s about all I’ve got.”

As a prominent member of ACSU and BSU, Johnson said she has felt the intense pressure by her peers to read this tiny, yet somehow daunting book. Over the past two weeks, several people have begun unnecessary and most definitely forced conversations with Rita about the arrival of the celebrated writer, journalist, and educator, Ta-Nehisi Coates, a man she had not heard of until last May, when President Biddy Martin announced the event. In anticipation, Amherst College has done its part to provide students with a free copy of Coates’ 150 page book, Between the World and Me.

“I was like, great, now I have to pretend I’ve read it,” Rita says. “I mean at least before I could say I wasn’t buying a glorified pamphlet for $17.95 at Amherst Books.”

Coates’ visit has caused Rita intense psychological strain. As more and more black classmates ask if she’s “excited” for Coates’ visit, Rita often breaks into a terse smile and then recites something from the book’s Wikipedia page. “I try to look deep into their eyes, and wonder if we’re all in on the same big joke.”

This weekend, Johnson is spiraling. “I don’t know who to trust,” she says, clutching her hair in her hands. “I mean, everyone’s totally lying about reading Ralph Ellison,too, right? Do people actually like Langston Hughes poems? I mean I tried reading Americanah but it was like, really, really long.”

Studies show that Johnson is certainly not alone. 73 percent of black students on campus have admitted in polls to not having opened the book until today. Of that 73 percent, 30 percent admitted to having lied about knowing who Coates was.

 “Have you read it?” Johnson asks me, grabbing my arm and speaking in a low whisper. “Please tell me you’ve read it.”

“A true masterpiece!” I say.

Two copies, untouched, lay in pristine condition between us.

At the time of print,  Johnson has said she’s “Making progress,” and that she thought the excerpt of the poem on the first page was “really something.” The writer of this article has given up entirely, but vows to nod vigorously throughout Coates’ talk tonight.

After Second Weekend of Parties, Jenkins Resident Declares Himself King

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“I knew my reign had officially begun when some blackout freshman asked me if my suite was ‘The Socials’,” remarked Jenkins resident Thatcher Sterling ’17 as he scooped up a crushed Natty can with his lacrosse stick.” Now that the four realms of Crossett, Coolidge, Pond, and Stone have been destroyed, it’s time for a new kingdom to rise.”

Roving bands of nomadic partiers have been frequenting the grasslands in front of Jenkins, while the dorm itself has allegedly contained over 30 people at a time in some of its suites. With the police resources focused on the Triangle, these numbers could rise exponentially. Predictions are that tens upon tens of students could soon flood the dormitory in the coming weeks, leaving the Kingdom of Jenkins’ infrastructure in ruins.

“This whole ‘king’ thing has kinda gone to Thatch’s head,”  says one of Sterling’s suitemates, Larsson Bosworth ’18. “He keeps telling me his life is ‘like Game of Thrones but with less midgets and more pussy.’ Somebody’s gotta get him to stop, it’s getting really out of hand.”

Sterling was most recently spotted in his Econometrics class with a plastic crown and scepter, demanding the professor kiss his NESCAC runners-up ring