Heartwarming: Accepted Students Experience the Magic of Amherst for the First Time

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Do you remember where you were the first time you walked on the quad? Try to think back. You were on the quad.

Yes, oh yes. Remember how you felt when you first stepped foot onto this earthly paradise, this ice kingdom of the liberal arts? In that moment, you knew Pomona could never compare to the slick wonderland of Western Mass.

Admitted students weekend was more than just an opportunity to get your feet wet. It was an opportunity to get your shoes wet, your socks wet, your hair wet, your pants wet, and your awesome (free!) Amherst drawstring bag utterly drenched. You come from 49 states, 112 countries, and now you have all been submerged in the frigid, invigorating hailstorm of higher education.

As you walked around the bucolic, frozen quad, you saw your future peers: people from around the world to whom you already felt connected. Finally, you could see yourself reflected in others, and others reflected in the pool of melted slush collecting outside of Merrill.

Journeying past Merrill, the power of the Amherst education struck you, as did the sign for Keefe Campus Center untethered in the 35 miles-per-hour wind. While the torrential downpour washed away the ink on your program of events, you could feel the ignorance washing away from your entire being.

Finally, you saw students and professors alike running for shelter in the deluge. Knowledge! A refuge from the cold, hard tears of incomprehension! Students! On the same frozen field as their wise teachers! Amherst! Holding you close to its Frosty bosom!

Bundle up, nerds. It’s gonna be a cold four years. Whatever terras is being irradiented, it’s definitely not here.

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Fixed It: Jenkins Renovated to have 100 More Floors

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AMHERST, MA – The Amherst College Social Scene has been declared “fixed” after renovations were completed yesterday on Jenkins Hall. All other campus buildings will be turned into offices by the Fall semester.

Formatting Is Off: Where Do We Go From Here?

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Today, at 12:38pm, President Biddy Martin issued a statement summarizing the state of the college as her office prepares for one of the biggest capital campaigns in the history of the institution. It read:

Formatting is Off

Sent from my iPad

This abrupt change in policy sent shockwaves through the president’s administration and the wider world of higher education as her already loosely-formatted staff members rushed to control the possible damage.

Dean of the Faculty Catherine Epstein was quick to react, assuring anxious thesis writers in a hastily convened press conference that formatting will not remain permanently off and is expected to return by the end of the week. A full service report from Jennifer Fite, promised Epstein, is imminent.

The Board of Trustees likewise issued a statement soon after the all-campus blast reassuring potential donors that despite this abrupt change in formatting, “the margins of the capital campaign would remain as discussed.” Chief of Student Affairs and Dean of Evil Deeds, Susan Covfefe, offered no comments on the incident.

The international diplomatic community fears this latest outburst from an already chaotic administration is a further indication of Amherst’s intentions to build a Modern Times New Roman Empire, with this surprise move being the first in Martin’s 12-pt plan. Especially damning are the implications for Amherst’s nationally competitive soccer programs, with Coach Justin Serpone reportedly ceasing varsity recruitment in response to the cessation of all headers AND footers.

Meanwhile, Apple, Inc. has hailed President Martin’s decision, calling her use of the iPad a “decisive moment” and “a major win.”

On campus, however, the atmosphere remains extremely tense. Only hours after Martin issued her polarizing statement, Muck-Rake reporters observed a column of black smoke billowing from the chimneys of the Writing Center. While there is little direct evidence of Martin’s collusion with hostile rival colleges, today’s events, in tandem with the unexpected closure of the Writing Center’s satellite consulate in Grosvenor House, seem to suggest foreign influences at play.

Though it remains to be seen how today’s watershed moment will affect the capital campaign and last name pronunciation at commencement, one thing is certain, beyond all shadow of a doubt: fOrma t  ing ; iS? ofF

Crack Team Assembles to Fix the Ice Cream Machine Once and For All

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Some things will never be understood. Who built the pyramids? Where do birds come from? Well, fear no more: one of history’s great mysteries is about to be solved. The Val Ice Cream Machine is about to be fixed, once and for all.

The cream of the crop is here to cream this crop and stop that cream from cropping up where we don’t want it. That’s right, the cream team has arrived. Bullshit you say? More like bull’s milk, of the same ilk, as cow’s milk (iced cream). It’s the crème de la crème, here to restart the clock on Big Ben, and by that I mean fix this damn machine.

Soon it’ll be all peaches and cream, or rather, pernil al horno and cream. Get in the queue because it’s time to suckle one by one at the teet of Mother Milk. And oh baby am I gonna milk it for all it’s worth.

I’m out of order? No, you’re out of order, ice cream machine. In fact, I do have an order and it’s “one ice cream please.” Can you make that happen? Didn’t think so.

Still not fixed? How is that possible? Isn’t this a brand new machine? The tease of Madagascar Vanilla is enough to make me cream my jeans, and believe me I would if I could if this machine were in order. But I can’t, so I shan’t. And that’s the Amherst way.

Good luck team. We’ll be rooting for you.

Sophomore Writes Ultimate Cover Letter!

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The following is courtesy of The Loeb Center for Career Exploration and Planning.

January 21, 2018

Bob Hanson
Director of Operations
Conglomo Corporation
2486 4th Avenue

 

Effective immediately, my name is Smith Johnson. I hope this letter finds you well, effective immediately. I am reaching out to express my sincere and effective interest in your immediately posted opening for associate effectivity analyst. I am effective and immediately qualified to assume this position, which I will do with relish, zeal, and effective immediately. As an economics and Spanish double major, I have the sincere and immediate qualifications necessary to effectively fulfill the duties of this position, and to do so with immediate effectiveness. In addition to my sincerely immediate academic capabilities, I bring to the table upwards of one years of extracurricular experience, with effective immediacy, effective immediately.

Dear future employer: We have now reached the point in my cover letter in which I grant you three wishes. I hope this finds you well. Please note that given the way I work, the wishes will be granted effective immediately. When I was young, it was immediately apparent that my head was just too big. The boys in school used to taunt me, “Fatty fat head dummy dumb, fatty fat head effective immediately!” I have been effective immediately ever since. Now you might wonder: what is the moral of this tale? The moral of this tale is do not wish for more wishes.

Thanks again. My qualifications should be immediately apparent. Let me give you an example. I am allergic to nothing. But YOU are now allergic to wheat. It is permissible to use one of your wishes to reverse your gluten intolerance, and while I cannot guarantee effectiveness on this matter I can guarantee that if you eat bread your colon will be effective immediately.

Thanks again. I hope this point of my cover letter in particular finds you well. May you build a ladder to the stars and may you stay forever young, effective immediately.

Sincerely immediately, S.J.