AMHERST, MA – With only two days left of Grab n’ Go service, many seniors are dreading the withdrawal that will come when their supply gets cut off of yoghurt from SideHill Farm.
“I have a two-a-day habit,” said Timothy Carroll ’18. “Let’s just say it’s a situation.”
In a heart-wrenching interview, Muck-Rake staffers asked Carroll to recount his life story, and how he ended up in such a deep, dark pit. “I used to look down on Grab n’ Go. Only a loser would eat on the run! Be social! Go to Val, the social hub of campus! But then one day I was too afraid to go to Val and not have anyone to sit with, so I thought I would go see what everyone was raving about. That’s where I saw them, The SideHills, glistening under the refrigerator lights. So I took one. Of course, I didn’t realize at the time that the stuff is literal maple meth.”
“And now, here I am,” he added, as he tore the lid off a SideHill and inhaled it without a spoon.
We asked Chris from Grab n’ Go if he knew about Carroll’s condition. Chris said candidly, “I just want him to have a groovy day, every day. And if a sandwich and three yoghurts is what it’s gonna take, I’m swiping it.”
“Chris helps me out,” said Carroll. “But he doesn’t even know that I fill my backpack when no one’s looking with 12 extra yoghurts every day.”
Sadly it seems Timothy Carroll isn’t the only one to have fallen prey to the nightmarishly thin yoghurt of SideHill Farm. The epidemic has spread to Amherst’s youth.
“You can drink it like milk!” said Elisabeth Pender ‘21. “At first I was a little nervous that the yoghurt was made from whole milk. Now I’m nervous that I am made from whole milk. I haven’t had anything to eat except yoghurt since the start of the semester.”
In a statement released yesterday, President Martin offered the following:
“The Yoghurt Epidemic is at the forefront of my agenda. The Counseling Center will remain open this weekend to help students cope with the closing of Grab n’ Go. Please know that you are not alone, and please know that those yoghurts are in fact so goddamn good.”
Biddy’s promise that “you are not alone” proved ominous. Hours after her statement, Muck-Rake reporters spotted President Martin shotgunning a SideHill in Converse lobby.