Crack Team Assembles to Fix the Ice Cream Machine Once and For All

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Some things will never be understood. Who built the pyramids? Where do birds come from? Well, fear no more: one of history’s great mysteries is about to be solved. The Val Ice Cream Machine is about to be fixed, once and for all.

The cream of the crop is here to cream this crop and stop that cream from cropping up where we don’t want it. That’s right, the cream team has arrived. Bullshit you say? More like bull’s milk, of the same ilk, as cow’s milk (iced cream). It’s the crème de la crème, here to restart the clock on Big Ben, and by that I mean fix this damn machine.

Soon it’ll be all peaches and cream, or rather, pernil al horno and cream. Get in the queue because it’s time to suckle one by one at the teet of Mother Milk. And oh baby am I gonna milk it for all it’s worth.

I’m out of order? No, you’re out of order, ice cream machine. In fact, I do have an order and it’s “one ice cream please.” Can you make that happen? Didn’t think so.

Still not fixed? How is that possible? Isn’t this a brand new machine? The tease of Madagascar Vanilla is enough to make me cream my jeans, and believe me I would if I could if this machine were in order. But I can’t, so I shan’t. And that’s the Amherst way.

Good luck team. We’ll be rooting for you.

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Sophomore Writes Ultimate Cover Letter!

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The following is courtesy of The Loeb Center for Career Exploration and Planning.

January 21, 2018

Bob Hanson
Director of Operations
Conglomo Corporation
2486 4th Avenue

 

Effective immediately, my name is Smith Johnson. I hope this letter finds you well, effective immediately. I am reaching out to express my sincere and effective interest in your immediately posted opening for associate effectivity analyst. I am effective and immediately qualified to assume this position, which I will do with relish, zeal, and effective immediately. As an economics and Spanish double major, I have the sincere and immediate qualifications necessary to effectively fulfill the duties of this position, and to do so with immediate effectiveness. In addition to my sincerely immediate academic capabilities, I bring to the table upwards of one years of extracurricular experience, with effective immediacy, effective immediately.

Dear future employer: We have now reached the point in my cover letter in which I grant you three wishes. I hope this finds you well. Please note that given the way I work, the wishes will be granted effective immediately. When I was young, it was immediately apparent that my head was just too big. The boys in school used to taunt me, “Fatty fat head dummy dumb, fatty fat head effective immediately!” I have been effective immediately ever since. Now you might wonder: what is the moral of this tale? The moral of this tale is do not wish for more wishes.

Thanks again. My qualifications should be immediately apparent. Let me give you an example. I am allergic to nothing. But YOU are now allergic to wheat. It is permissible to use one of your wishes to reverse your gluten intolerance, and while I cannot guarantee effectiveness on this matter I can guarantee that if you eat bread your colon will be effective immediately.

Thanks again. I hope this point of my cover letter in particular finds you well. May you build a ladder to the stars and may you stay forever young, effective immediately.

Sincerely immediately, S.J.

Meet Klargon, Your New Class Dean.

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AMHERST, MA — In an exciting change of pace for her administration, President Carolyn “Biddy” Martin has announced the appointment of a new dean, following an extensive hiring search into the planets of the TRAPPIST-1 solar system and Omega Centauri star cluster. The New York-based consulting firm hired by the administration to make its decisions confirmed that this area of deep space contains biochemical environments conducive to life forms with experience in the residential college model.

“Our previous administrators have lacked sufficient prior exposure to the liberal arts, and many have felt alien to the student body,” lamented President Martin. “That’s why we picked Klargon, Harbinger of Dark Matter and Destroyer of the Seven Suns, to serve as our next freshman class dean.”

“My door is always open!” said Klargon, who plans to hold weekly office hours. “In this dimension, that is,” he added with a wink.

Klargon, as President Martin highlighted in her campus-wide email, has extensive academic and administrative experience. He has worked on numerous curricular revisions, overseen far-reaching academic programs, and, famously, spearheaded the unionization of the Neutrino mines in Galaxy Sector-B. Klargon also knows what all students are doing at all times because for him, time functions backwards and in a flat disk. It is advised that you not email him asking for extensions, because he literally will not understand!

Administrators report that Klargon has already started to engage with the student body in a way that feels very productive. “Tusks up!” said Klargon, raising his all twelve of his hands to his third face.

On Klargon’s arrival to campus, Dean Gendron remarked, “The guy is magnetic. Really, my computer exploded the moment he walked into Converse. As soon as I saw gravity reverse itself in his presence and all my documents fling themselves onto the ceiling, I thought, ‘this guy knows what he’s doing.’”

Last month, Klargon, who actually bleeds purple, was present at President Martin’s speech to a group of accepted students. Students reported Klargon’s incredible warmth at the reception, measuring 900 Kelvin and incinerating one of Val’s fruit and cookie platters.

“Terras Irradient!” President Martin told the students. “May you light up the world.”

“All of them,” added Klargon.

As students filed out, Klargon was heard muttering “Good luck lighting up Kepler-69c. There’s a black hole two light-years away. Not even David Foster Wlargon could shine a candle on that place.”

New Cryptocurrency Emerges: Stolen Coats

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AMHERST, MA – Last night so many coats were stolen from Jenkins that the stolen coat has become its own cryptocurrency. Stolen Jenkins Coats (SJC) is open-source, its design is public, and everyone can take part. Mining coats is easy. Simply show your Amherst ID to the strange bouncers nobody hired, enter the building, and then have at it. Economists project coats stolen from Jenkins last night will become more valuable than bitcoin by 2018, especially the ones that had wallets in the side pockets! Yahtzee! Get started with SJC today. There are no consequences.

Heidi Gilpin Announces New Course: COURSE

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Note: This is preliminary information about this course. Final course information will be published shortly before the start of the semester.

SPRING 2018

COURSE

Listed in: European Studies, as EUST-369, | Film and Media Studies, as FAMS-482 | German, as GERM-666 | Studies Studies, as STUD-111

Faculty
Heidi Gilpin (Section 01)

Description

Over an eclipsed period of geologic space-time, we will chronologically and epistemologically investigate the ontology of teleology, making full use of the Writing Center. From a distinctly interdisciplinary standpoint we will collaboratively inquire into the nature of COURSE: its sense of touch, sound, sight, smell, hearing, audio, video, taste, electromagnetism, geopolitics, and HDMI capability. Modeled on Richard Linklater’s groundbreaking cinematic achievement, “Boyhood,” students who choose to enroll in COURSE will commence a ten-year commitment to nonstop psychoanalysis of those students who have chosen to enroll in COURSE. Over the course of those ten years we hope to divine epistemically concrete answers to the following ancient questions: where does COURSE meet, and when? Should you be scared that this is cross listed as a 600-level German seminar? Yes, of course you should. Writing attentive. 

 

Limited to 15 students: Enrollment requires attendance at the first class meeting, which has been happening continuously since 1821. Spring Semester. Professor Gilpin.

If Overenrolled: preference given to seniors, then juniors, then flat-earthers, then sophomores.

Note: There is a laboratory section of this course, but you are already in it.

Keywords

Attention to writing, Attention to speaking, Attention to looking, Attention to listening, Attention to hearing, Attention to stealth, Attention to bio-mechanical equilibration, Attention to Heidi Gilpin, Attention to COURSE.

Cost: 0 ?

Location: THE CLASSROOM

Course Time: When you least expect it. 
Offerings: Fall 2018-Spring 2029, Omitted 2021-2025 for WWIII.