CULTURE SHOCK: Senior Desperately Trying to Kick Grab n’ Go Yoghurt Addiction Before Graduation

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AMHERST, MA – With only two days left of Grab n’ Go service, many seniors are dreading the withdrawal that will come when their supply gets cut off of yoghurt from SideHill Farm.

“I have a two-a-day habit,” said Timothy Carroll ’18. “Let’s just say it’s a situation.”

In a heart-wrenching interview, Muck-Rake staffers asked Carroll to recount his life story, and how he ended up in such a deep, dark pit. “I used to look down on Grab n’ Go. Only a loser would eat on the run! Be social! Go to Val, the social hub of campus! But then one day I was too afraid to go to Val and not have anyone to sit with, so I thought I would go see what everyone was raving about. That’s where I saw them, The SideHills, glistening under the refrigerator lights. So I took one. Of course, I didn’t realize at the time that the stuff is literal maple meth.”  

“And now, here I am,” he added, as he tore the lid off a SideHill and inhaled it without a spoon.  

We asked Chris from Grab n’ Go if he knew about Carroll’s condition. Chris said candidly, “I just want him to have a groovy day, every day. And if a sandwich and three yoghurts is what it’s gonna take, I’m swiping it.”

“Chris helps me out,” said Carroll. “But he doesn’t even know that I fill my backpack when no one’s looking with 12 extra yoghurts every day.”

Sadly it seems Timothy Carroll isn’t the only one to have fallen prey to the nightmarishly thin yoghurt of SideHill Farm. The epidemic has spread to Amherst’s youth.

“You can drink it like milk!” said Elisabeth Pender ‘21. “At first I was a little nervous that the yoghurt was made from whole milk. Now I’m nervous that I am made from whole milk. I haven’t had anything to eat except yoghurt since the start of the semester.”

In a statement released yesterday, President Martin offered the following:

“The Yoghurt Epidemic is at the forefront of my agenda. The Counseling Center will remain open this weekend to help students cope with the closing of Grab n’ Go. Please know that you are not alone, and please know that those yoghurts are in fact so goddamn good.”

Biddy’s promise that “you are not alone” proved ominous. Hours after her statement, Muck-Rake reporters spotted President Martin shotgunning a SideHill in Converse lobby.

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Sign Outside Val Confirms: There is a Concert Tonight

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AMHERST, MA – Live music lovers rejoice! There is a concert tonight, now and forever. All you need to know are the Five W’s: what when what when and when. What? A concert. When? Tonight.

As physics professor Jonathan Friedman excitedly explained, because of Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle we may know if a concert is happening, and the time of said concert, but never both at once. “This is what makes The Concert Tonight so unusual,” said Professor Friedman. “I’ll be there.”

The Concert Tonight, strategically advertised just outside the dining hall, has been a useful talking point for tour guides broaching the subject of the social scene at Amherst. “Amherst students do still like to party,” said head tour guide Albert Plackard ’18 with a wink as he led his tour group past Valentine. “As you can see, there’s a concert tonight.” Asked by a prospective student who would be performing, Plackard responded, “it’s tonight.”

Dean of Concerts Tonight Hannah Fatemi eagerly handed out Mardi Gras beads and Concert Tonight-themed sunglasses in advance of the much-anticipated and much- tonight concert. “Concerts can heal the social divides that plague this campus,” she remarked, “especially the one tonight.”

Others are less enthused. “It’s not for me,” lamented a wistful Bill Pritchard. “I remember when the concert was still yesterday.”

Pop Star Offers Inspirational Words to Friends Back Home

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AMHERST, MA – During her most recent performance, Chelsea Cutler had the opportunity to speak to the crowd of her former classmates. In this moment, Chelsea did something incredible. She told a satirical newspaper at a small liberal arts college to go fuck itself. “She had the floor to talk about truly anything,” says Natasha Mendez ‘19. “My friends and I stood in anticipation of a Cardi B-esque call out, you know, something like: ‘Amherst College is the littest.’ But in an act of sheer bravery she paused for a brief moment towards the beginning of her set, took a swig from her Poland Spring, and was daring enough to call out the Muck-Rake, Biddy, and something about her leg.”

Cutler’s escape from Amherst into semi-superstardom has provided a source of inspiration and hope for a student body trapped in a grey fantasy world. Others, however, remain unfazed. “We’re just happy to be here,” said The Main Squeeze.

Heartwarming: Accepted Students Experience the Magic of Amherst for the First Time

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Do you remember where you were the first time you walked on the quad? Try to think back. You were on the quad.

Yes, oh yes. Remember how you felt when you first stepped foot onto this earthly paradise, this ice kingdom of the liberal arts? In that moment, you knew Pomona could never compare to the slick wonderland of Western Mass.

Admitted students weekend was more than just an opportunity to get your feet wet. It was an opportunity to get your shoes wet, your socks wet, your hair wet, your pants wet, and your awesome (free!) Amherst drawstring bag utterly drenched. You come from 49 states, 112 countries, and now you have all been submerged in the frigid, invigorating hailstorm of higher education.

As you walked around the bucolic, frozen quad, you saw your future peers: people from around the world to whom you already felt connected. Finally, you could see yourself reflected in others, and others reflected in the pool of melted slush collecting outside of Merrill.

Journeying past Merrill, the power of the Amherst education struck you, as did the sign for Keefe Campus Center untethered in the 35 miles-per-hour wind. While the torrential downpour washed away the ink on your program of events, you could feel the ignorance washing away from your entire being.

Finally, you saw students and professors alike running for shelter in the deluge. Knowledge! A refuge from the cold, hard tears of incomprehension! Students! On the same frozen field as their wise teachers! Amherst! Holding you close to its Frosty bosom!

Bundle up, nerds. It’s gonna be a cold four years. Whatever terras is being irradiented, it’s definitely not here.

Formatting Is Off: Where Do We Go From Here?

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Today, at 12:38pm, President Biddy Martin issued a statement summarizing the state of the college as her office prepares for one of the biggest capital campaigns in the history of the institution. It read:

Formatting is Off

Sent from my iPad

This abrupt change in policy sent shockwaves through the president’s administration and the wider world of higher education as her already loosely-formatted staff members rushed to control the possible damage.

Dean of the Faculty Catherine Epstein was quick to react, assuring anxious thesis writers in a hastily convened press conference that formatting will not remain permanently off and is expected to return by the end of the week. A full service report from Jennifer Fite, promised Epstein, is imminent.

The Board of Trustees likewise issued a statement soon after the all-campus blast reassuring potential donors that despite this abrupt change in formatting, “the margins of the capital campaign would remain as discussed.” Chief of Student Affairs and Dean of Evil Deeds, Susan Covfefe, offered no comments on the incident.

The international diplomatic community fears this latest outburst from an already chaotic administration is a further indication of Amherst’s intentions to build a Modern Times New Roman Empire, with this surprise move being the first in Martin’s 12-pt plan. Especially damning are the implications for Amherst’s nationally competitive soccer programs, with Coach Justin Serpone reportedly ceasing varsity recruitment in response to the cessation of all headers AND footers.

Meanwhile, Apple, Inc. has hailed President Martin’s decision, calling her use of the iPad a “decisive moment” and “a major win.”

On campus, however, the atmosphere remains extremely tense. Only hours after Martin issued her polarizing statement, Muck-Rake reporters observed a column of black smoke billowing from the chimneys of the Writing Center. While there is little direct evidence of Martin’s collusion with hostile rival colleges, today’s events, in tandem with the unexpected closure of the Writing Center’s satellite consulate in Grosvenor House, seem to suggest foreign influences at play.

Though it remains to be seen how today’s watershed moment will affect the capital campaign and last name pronunciation at commencement, one thing is certain, beyond all shadow of a doubt: fOrma t  ing ; iS? ofF

Crack Team Assembles to Fix the Ice Cream Machine Once and For All

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Some things will never be understood. Who built the pyramids? Where do birds come from? Well, fear no more: one of history’s great mysteries is about to be solved. The Val Ice Cream Machine is about to be fixed, once and for all.

The cream of the crop is here to cream this crop and stop that cream from cropping up where we don’t want it. That’s right, the cream team has arrived. Bullshit you say? More like bull’s milk, of the same ilk, as cow’s milk (iced cream). It’s the crème de la crème, here to restart the clock on Big Ben, and by that I mean fix this damn machine.

Soon it’ll be all peaches and cream, or rather, pernil al horno and cream. Get in the queue because it’s time to suckle one by one at the teet of Mother Milk. And oh baby am I gonna milk it for all it’s worth.

I’m out of order? No, you’re out of order, ice cream machine. In fact, I do have an order and it’s “one ice cream please.” Can you make that happen? Didn’t think so.

Still not fixed? How is that possible? Isn’t this a brand new machine? The tease of Madagascar Vanilla is enough to make me cream my jeans, and believe me I would if I could if this machine were in order. But I can’t, so I shan’t. And that’s the Amherst way.

Good luck team. We’ll be rooting for you.