Converse Elevator Drama Canceled After 5 Episodes

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Amherst executives denied Fite the chance to give her elevator pitch for a second season, even after the thing was fixed.

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The Search for a Mascot is On: The Muck-Rake Weighs In

The Amherst administration recently reached out to the student body for help in choosing a new mascot. While no official list of candidates has yet been fielded, we’ve come up with a few who we think are worth the student body’s consideration:

  1. Lord Jeff, Commander-in-Chief of British Army (~1756)

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A classic, and honestly, a no-brainer. I mean, the guy’s full name is Lord Jeffrey Amherst. You catch that last bit? ‘AMHERST’ How is this guy not crushing in the polls? Even better yet, the Lord Jeffy A. is an old white guy. Who doesn’t like old white guys? Remember that Clint Eastwood movie where Clint Eastwood plays an old white dude living in Detroit and he’s super racist and mean but at the end he becomes the hero? Pretty awesome.

Pros: No one has to buy new clothes for school spirit.

Cons: None come to mind.

2. Harambe, Western Lowland Gorilla

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One second a gorilla is getting tragically shot in a zoo for endangering a child, the next second his name is hilarious forever. I mean literally, forever. Every time I hear a joke about Harambe, it’s like the first time. Everyone PLEASE keep telling them. You can’t deny his potential; forget all the moose-huggers out there who might complain about animal abuse, respect, and similar mumbo-jumbo, this deceased gorilla is a keeper.

Pros: School spirit chants like “RIP Harambe!” “Dicks out for Harambe!” and “RIP Harambe!”

Cons: None come to mind.

 

3. Kevin James, Actor(?)

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To be honest, I ran out of ideas after the first two; I had to phone a friend for this one. I was in line at Grab-and-Go with a fellow Muck-Raker, so I asked him what he thought the mascot should be… this was his immediate response. Personally, I think “Grown-Ups” was bad to the point of being offensive, and “Paul Blart: Mall Cop” was a crime against humanity. But I’ve literally run out of ideas. Plus, the first two suggestions are no longer living, so maybe this is the best choice.

 

Pros: He is alive. (Right?)

Cons: It’s Kevin James.

 

4. Norm Pollard, Speaker from Hazing Meeting

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Now this is a guy who can keep a crowd going. After a stellar, sold-out debut at the required hazing meeting for Amherst athletes, Norm Pollard, the “wizard” of hazing, has seen his stock skyrocket here on campus. His speech on why hazing is bad was so compelling that not only did students in attendance learn that hazing is bad, but Norm even got a standing ovation before he finished talking. This guy would in no way be out of place walking around at a football game… mascot or not.

 

Pros: Everything.

Cons: Muck-Rake will probably have to end its initiation of tying new freshman writers to goal posts.

 

5. Androgynous Extraterrestrial Glob, Visitor from Outer Space

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I know what you’re thinking at this point: “Too many old white guys in the lineup!” Well, we found the perfect solution. This extra terrestrial amorphous blob is the ultimate 2016 mascot, being entirely devoid of any race, sexual orientation, religion, gender, age, or nationality. Boring? Yes. A non-offensive, conflict-free choice? God I hope so.

 

Pros: Political Correctness +500

Cons: The glob may or may not be harboring an ultra-contagious space disease, e.g. Jupiter-flu, comet-measles, Pluto-crabs .

No Longer Golden Child, Class of 2019 Mass Immolates

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Amherst, MA – With the third week of classes starting, members of the class of 2019 have begun self-immolating to escape the crushing realization that they are no longer Amherst’s Golden Child.

The class of 2019’s feelings of ineptitude began earlier this month with Dean of Admissions Katie Fretwell’s declaration that the Class of 2020 was the most accomplished class ever admitted to Amherst.

The class of 2020 boasts a wide range of victories come from a wide walk of backgrounds, including Firefighters, professional backgammon players and members of ISIS (the middle-eastern terrorist cell). In contrast, the Class of 2019 only had post office workers, a minor-league Mancala player  and ISIS (The ancient Egyptian goddess).

In a collective letter written to their professors, the Class of 2019 asked for forgiveness for their inadequacy.

“We simply cannot compete with the excellency of the Class of 2020, with their colorful collection of jet plane fighter pilots, Nobel laureates and  record shattering 5 Alabaman Students (all legacy spouse-siblings from the first two Alabamans last year). We relinquish ourselves to the cycle of life, in hopes of being reborn as someone who can play the harmonica or as a set of Siamese twins.”

In the soccer field, all that remained of the gruesome display were piles of ash and charred accolades that once held meaning. Facilities has announced the remains will be used for fireplace training, despite not quite being up to their usual standards.

“Although they are not the most prestigious class at Amherst, one thing is certain: they were the class that burned the brightest.” said Fretwell, as she attempted to shape the ashes into “Terras Irradient” for a brochure photo.

Black Student Barely Holds It Together As One More Person Asks Her About Ta-Nehisi Coates

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“It’s definitely about race,” Rita Johnson ’18 says to me during our conversation this past weekend. “That’s about all I’ve got.”

As a prominent member of ACSU and BSU, Johnson said she has felt the intense pressure by her peers to read this tiny, yet somehow daunting book. Over the past two weeks, several people have begun unnecessary and most definitely forced conversations with Rita about the arrival of the celebrated writer, journalist, and educator, Ta-Nehisi Coates, a man she had not heard of until last May, when President Biddy Martin announced the event. In anticipation, Amherst College has done its part to provide students with a free copy of Coates’ 150 page book, Between the World and Me.

“I was like, great, now I have to pretend I’ve read it,” Rita says. “I mean at least before I could say I wasn’t buying a glorified pamphlet for $17.95 at Amherst Books.”

Coates’ visit has caused Rita intense psychological strain. As more and more black classmates ask if she’s “excited” for Coates’ visit, Rita often breaks into a terse smile and then recites something from the book’s Wikipedia page. “I try to look deep into their eyes, and wonder if we’re all in on the same big joke.”

This weekend, Johnson is spiraling. “I don’t know who to trust,” she says, clutching her hair in her hands. “I mean, everyone’s totally lying about reading Ralph Ellison,too, right? Do people actually like Langston Hughes poems? I mean I tried reading Americanah but it was like, really, really long.”

Studies show that Johnson is certainly not alone. 73 percent of black students on campus have admitted in polls to not having opened the book until today. Of that 73 percent, 30 percent admitted to having lied about knowing who Coates was.

 “Have you read it?” Johnson asks me, grabbing my arm and speaking in a low whisper. “Please tell me you’ve read it.”

“A true masterpiece!” I say.

Two copies, untouched, lay in pristine condition between us.

At the time of print,  Johnson has said she’s “Making progress,” and that she thought the excerpt of the poem on the first page was “really something.” The writer of this article has given up entirely, but vows to nod vigorously throughout Coates’ talk tonight.

After Second Weekend of Parties, Jenkins Resident Declares Himself King

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“I knew my reign had officially begun when some blackout freshman asked me if my suite was ‘The Socials’,” remarked Jenkins resident Thatcher Sterling ’17 as he scooped up a crushed Natty can with his lacrosse stick.” Now that the four realms of Crossett, Coolidge, Pond, and Stone have been destroyed, it’s time for a new kingdom to rise.”

Roving bands of nomadic partiers have been frequenting the grasslands in front of Jenkins, while the dorm itself has allegedly contained over 30 people at a time in some of its suites. With the police resources focused on the Triangle, these numbers could rise exponentially. Predictions are that tens upon tens of students could soon flood the dormitory in the coming weeks, leaving the Kingdom of Jenkins’ infrastructure in ruins.

“This whole ‘king’ thing has kinda gone to Thatch’s head,”  says one of Sterling’s suitemates, Larsson Bosworth ’18. “He keeps telling me his life is ‘like Game of Thrones but with less midgets and more pussy.’ Somebody’s gotta get him to stop, it’s getting really out of hand.”

Sterling was most recently spotted in his Econometrics class with a plastic crown and scepter, demanding the professor kiss his NESCAC runners-up ring