Graduating Senior Asks God for Extension on Being an Adult, Taking Care of Self


“Hi Professor God,” Brendan Franklin ’17 said in an email to “I know you told us in advance that adulthood would be happening after graduating, but I just completely spaced on it… Would it possible for me to start taking care of myself sometime around 2024? Thanks, Brendan”

New Temporary Access Road to Go Through Mt. Holyoke College and Back

NSC Road Closure Summer 2017_Map

Only the ACEMS Volt and Jeeps with Vineyard Vines stickers will be allowed access to parking, roads, gas stations, garages, mechanics and DMVs within a 400 mile radius of the campus.

Students who would like to leave their dorm rooms will have to repel down the sides of their buildings with tied up bed sheets.

Varsity Athletics Point/Counterpoint: Marginalized Groups Suffer from Amherst’s Toxic Athlete Culture, Says My Black Friend, Who Is Real


Counterpoint: Marginalized Groups Suffer from Amherst’s Toxic Athlete Culture, Says My Black Friend, Who Is Real

Matt Chooler ’17

Let’s face it: athletics are a huge part of campus, deciding where you can sit at Val to where you can party on Saturday. Unfortunately, these athletes are overwhelmingly white, which makes entering these athlete dominated spaces uncomfortable for people of color – or at least that’s what my black friend tells me, when we hang out.

We hang out all the time, and he thinks I’m really cool.

During any given dinner at Val, the backroom might host a few hundred athletes, nearly all of whom are white, and majority male. They form an implicit “in group” which excludes the diverse communities about which Amherst claims to care; all this I hear from Marshawn Lynch (no relation), my black friend, who lets me know what they’re saying “in the streets.”

According to my super cool black friend, with whom I converse almost weekly, this social segregation extends to housing, too. “If you think I’m trippin’,” says my non-imaginary friend who just bursts at the seams with melanin, “peep the dorms where the honkies be chillin’, Jenky and The Cock.” (sic) This stands in direct contrast to dorms like Marsh, which would totally accept a black person, were one to ever apply.

If we wish to break down the social barriers on this campus we must interrogate the structures that create those barriers, the most prominent of which is athletics. If we rid this campus of athletics, perhaps people will be more socially open, and I might have two or three black friends, rather than just the one, which is totally fine.

And who knows? If the stars align, I might befriend an Asian student someday.

Varsity Athletics Point/Counterpoint: Am I Wrong Just Because I’m White?


Point: Am I wrong, just because I’m white?

Gregory Beauregard ’18

It was a day like any other: I showed up to class, ready to learn about how racism is over. But when I came in and saw the topic of that day’s discussion, a chill went down my spine. The board read, “Privilege.” Before thirty minutes had passed, the unthinkable happened. I had been called White. I had been called Male. I had been called an Athlete. I excused myself from the room,  and chugged my whole nalgene in anger. I felt I must respond.

Between the Indicator and ACVoice, all dissing athletics, someone’s gotta take a stand for the little guy, who just so happens to be big, physically. And in the majority, racially.

AC Voice is accusing us by using buzzwords that have been used so much they’ve lost all meaning, like “toxic masculinity” or “de-facto racial segregation.” How can we be part of toxic masculinity when we shower together, which is like, super gay?

How is our housing situation not diverse? If it were not for the diversity in my dorm, I wouldn’t have learned of so many different ways of lifting. Where else could you find a lacrosse player from Connecticut live right next to a football player from Vermont who’s right next to a soccer player from New Hampshire?

Athletes and regular people just lead different sorts of lives. Some might be engaging in  critical discourses about racial or class inequalities, others attempting to make breakthroughs in quantum computing research. Who’s to say smashing into people with my gigantic, bulbous skull is not just as, if not more valuable than that stuff?

I didn’t choose to have a body built for inflicting concussions. I was born this way.

And how do you expect me to sleep at night, knowing that my mother can see my Facebook statuses get only angry reacts? Is crushing ‘stones and smashing chicks really such a crime? White people, heed my call. We don’t need to be part of the persecuted majority anymore.

Corry Colonna’s Spring Concert Review: “The Only Thing Worse Than Vincent Staples is a Sensical Housing Policy”

corry and vince

Hey gang! It’s me, Corry Colonna, Czar of Residential Life Mishaps and Whoopsies!

How about that concert, huh? I gotta say, during the 4 hours I stood outside and gloomily checked tickets, I got a pretty strong taste of what you Amherst students are listening to. And just like sensical housing policies, I think you guys like this stuff way more than I do.

Call me a traditionalist, but I like my EDM music duos like I like my Freshman roommates: antagonistically different and without any friendship. So you can imagine how turned off I was by that buddy-buddy act those two TriTonal jabronis put on! Quit it with the smiling and dancing guys. We all know distrust and miscommunication are the bedrock of any successful partnership – just look at me and student body!

And I know what everyone is probably thinking – old Corry Colonna probably hates all that Rap n Roll music the kids listen to nowadays. Sorry to burst your bubble, folks, but that’s wrong: I just like good Rap. That’s right, Corry here is a bona fide Hip Hop Hippopotamus!

So believe me when I say this: unlike modern Rap Music icons such as Iggy Azalea, Little Dicky, Garrison Keeler and Martin Shkreli, Vincent Staples just really isn’t all that great. I’m no fan of anybody who trashes the brave men, women, and ratcops in blue who protect us every day. And gee whiz, why does he have call women “bitches” all the time? We should respect everybody’s gender, whether that be by refusing to let transgender students live in 75% of rooms or never letting women win Lip Sync.

One thing I did like was the diversity of volume preferences at the concert. Personally, I don’t like loud noises. So when I went to the bathroom, I asked that Vincent fella if maybe he could knock it down a few decibels. He told me to fuck off. If two people with completely opposing preferences about noise weren’t adjacent to each other, that vibrant and productive exchange would have never happened. This was truly reflective of the value of volume diversity, which I am proud to say has been a hallmark of the past year’s residential life experience.

Senator Peter Gramsci ’17 Caught Laundering Senior Gift Funds to Pay Off Gambling Debts


Muck Rake sources have revealed that Senator Peter Gramsci ‘17, consider by Red Room insiders to be the “Paul Ryan, Al Franken, Steve Bannon, and Meryl Streep of AAS all at the same time,” has been syphoning senior gift funds to pay off his increasing gambling debts. A hard figure on his theft is currently unavailable, but several sources suggested that it may be “5 dollars, 50 dollars, 500 dollars… Just whatever you feel comfortable giving.”

The AAS has refused to comment at this time.

Senator Gramsci, who holds significant sway in the Senate and has been called “The Rasputin of the Red Room” by President Biddy Martin, reportedly developed a gambling addiction as a stress relief earlier this year.

“He told me he was just going to Poker Club to make sure they weren’t wasting AAS funds,” a fellow Senator was overheard saying online at Schwemms late last night. “I should have seen the signs,” the Senator continued. “One week he’s buying every student Insomnia, the next he’s telling clubs that we don’t have enough money to let them print table tents.”

The Board of Trustees has put a hold on all AAS and Senior Gift funds until further notice. Cullen Murphy ’74, Chairman of the Board, only offered this about Mr. Gramsci’s transgressions: “He knows what he owes me, he knows when I expect it, and he knows what will happen if he doesn’t pay.”

Opinion: Actually, Snapping Me Nudes Is Empowering


An Op-Ed by Tyler Bradley

I get it: Feminism may be difficult sometimes. The patriarchy makes it difficult to know what kind of concrete, day-to-day decisions we can make to effect change. Progress means stepping out of your comfort zone and engaging your beliefs at all levels; and it is my firm belief that you cannot “Be the Change You Want to See in the World” if you don’t send me nudes.

You may find it uncomfortable, but progress is uncomfortable. If people of all stripes – women, men, etc. – truly wish to move towards equality, we must be ready to do that which we would consider untenable in more backwards eras, like 2016.  You aren’t a feminist if you don’t fully embrace your curves, and you aren’t embracing your curves if you aren’t sending pictures of them to my DMs.

Are you really a feminist if you believe the female form – specifically yours – should be covered? Or worse, unphotographed in the nude and sent to my phone through Snapchat, Instagram, Facebook Messenger, Messenger, or LinkedIn?

Overcoming your fears about sending me nudes is a win for women everywhere. Whenever I receive a picture of the female form in its unclothed glory, I throb with feminist joy. Your body is beautiful, and deserves to be kept in a special folder in my phone.

Of course I believe in intersectional feminism as well. If you need extra empowerment because of race or class discrimination, feel free to send more pictures: my DMs are accepting. And if you’re worried about what your body looks like, don’t worry. I have a few bros who would smash pretty much anyone; we accept all types.

And hey, feminism is about equality, and I would never ask a woman to do what I would not do myself. It takes a lot to make such a sacrifice, but I’m willing to make it for all the Mothers, Sisters, and Wives out there. Therefore, in solidarity, I have been sending dick pics to every woman I know.

How are you #resisting?

Apply to be a Worksite Tour Guide for Prospective Construction Workers!

construction site tour

Are you comfortable talking to crowds? Is your favorite part of Amherst whatever is coming 2 years from now? Have you always wondered what it’s like to stand on top of the giant dirt pile? If you answered “yes” to any of those questions, consider applying to be a Worksite Tour Guide for prospective construction workers!

With Amherst’s current rate of construction hovering somewhere between “until we spend all the goddamn money there is” and “if North Korea hosted the Olympics,” now is the perfect time to leave your mark on Amherst. While the buildings we erect today will likely not last more than 15 years at this pace, the impact you have on young construction workers will live on forever.

Compensation is $11/hour, one permitted cat-call per shift, and your very own “Gagliarducci Construction” helmet.

Contact for further information.

AC Republicans: We Could Solve All Our Disputes If Val Had Pepsi In The Drink Machines


The AC Republicans released a statement yesterday regarding recent unrest on campus:

As the conservative voice on campus, Amherst College Republicans has been involved in its fair share of controversy. So take it from us as relative experts on the topic – when the tensions are running high, the “problematic” comments are flying, and students are emailing professors that they can’t come to class because they need to “self-care,” there’s only one thing to do: crack open an ice-cold Pepsi.