“Come unleash your deepest desires with a moist chicken breast strewn across a steaming bed of carbs” advertised Joe Flueckiger, Director of Dining Services. “We’ll be sure to satisfy all of your basic needs tonight,” Flueckiger winked, while seductively dipping his finger in some left over chicken-pan juice.
According to official party registration records, men’s lacrosse captain Hunter “Bean Boot” Frye just had his fifth birthday since the party policy banning team mixers came into effect. In conjunction with the several post-graduate years Frye spent “finding himself” at various second-tier boarding schools, that brings his age to 28.
Clayton Bryant ’18, a former baseball player suspended for forcing a recruit to use his dong as a bat during batting practice, has taken credit for posting pictures of Suzanne Coffey as the Grinch all over Val.
“I’m so tired of this patronizing administration. Amherst students are responsible adults who don’t need to be chaperoned every weekend,” Bryant slurred through a haze of Juul smoke. “I mean, I drink 25 beers a night, introduce myself to women by grabbing their ass, and know how to reallocate my extremely limited cocaine budget to protest an administrator who I don’t like. Could a child have done that? NO! As a kid I could only drink 6, 7 beers, max. I am clearly an adult, and given that my step-father pays full tuition, I deserve to be treated like one.”
“There’s just no reason to hold our hand all the time,” Bryant continued. “The administration should only treat me like a helpless child when it comes to getting me a job at Goldman, dramatically inflating my grades, and cutting me slack in any of my several disciplinary hearings.”
EDITOR’S NOTE: The Muck-Rake would like to acknowledge that we were, in fact, responsible for creating the high-quality and hilarious Coffey ‘Shop. However, we would like to stress that its placement across Val was not our doing. First of all, we can not afford color printing. Second, under no circumstances do we ever leave our musty hovels to go outside. We affirm that criticism of school administrators should only come from Dr. Seuss parodies on collegiate humor websites, not Mean Girls-esque bullying.
The AC Press has announced a 5-year compilation of the Amherst Daily Mail, which chronicles the unanswered messages of a college administrator descending into madness as she attempts to commune with a religious figure and student body who may not even exist.
The brave band of visionaries reportedly sought to save Amherst from the Swarthmore-like Spell that had fallen over campus after the Social Scene vanished mysteriously over the summer. Winston Kimberly, a third-generation legacy with a lovable lisp, claimed that “the Social Scene is in, like, another dimension and no one believes us but we’ll totally be heroes when we prove everyone wrong and get it back!” By press time, all three had transferred to Dartmouth.
To help put the savings of a new cable policy into perspective for students, the Amherst IT department has released a list of potential purchases that could be made with the savings. The list, which many experts are heralding as “accurate,” “redundant,” and “I know how much $100,000 costs,” is as follows:
- Giant clothespins in every dorm
- An old science center
- The avocados Val promises us if we would stop stealing plates
- Another office for professor Sarat
- An actual mammoth
- Only Brazzers on every TV on campus
- A Robocop suit for a certain Amherst College police officer
- Less than half the monetary value of an Amherst education
- Infinitely more than the real value of an Amherst education
- 100,000 $1 bills
- 60 channel-cable for every student on campus
Choose wisely, Amherst!
Steadying his elbow with his offhand during a game of beer pong, Theodore Piedros ’18 told the Muck-Rake that he doesn’t want to sign his undesirable soul away to a bank. “I just think it would be so spirit-crushing and oppressive” Piedros explained as he stomped on an empty Keystone and threw it at a Freshman on his team. At press time, Piedros’ soul was mansplaining Communism to his superego.
Students may reserve Fleshlights via the Hub. They are also advised to use the ~ Hub ~ while enjoying Jizz @ Schwemms.
Many returning Amherst students have high hopes for the upcoming year. Some students, though, have already had those hopes dashed by a cruel, regressive new policy at Valentine Dining Hall. The once-customizable smoothie station has been replaced with a narrow range of pre-made smoothies. Students with non-conforming and atypical smoothie recipes will be forced into this pre-made dichotomy.
Jessica Wetherby ’21, whose smoothie includes spinach, mango and lighter side chicken, expressed fear that her needs wouldn’t be met by the new system. “I’ve always been marginalized for my food choices,” Wetherby confessed. “I thought Amherst would be a safe smoothie space for me. But now I fear that Amherst’s smoothie fascism will be biased towards protein-rich ingredients in deference to athletes.”
As a protest of the regressive policy, students have placed a large mural of 4 empty glass cups over the drink station in the Back Room. On the bottom of the mural, there is a message written in blended yogurt and blueberries: “These Four Cups Symbolize All The Unrecognized and Uncelebrated Smoothie Recipes of Amherst College.”
“These Muck-Raker trophies will make a fine addition to the new exhibit I’m opening at the Mead,” said President Martin as she sipped from her scotch tumbler. “I think it will be titled, ‘Don’t Ever Fucking Cross Biddy Martin’, or something tasteful like that.”