A Little Unsettling: Val’s Only Entrée for the Past 3 Days Has Just Been “Birds”

Birds

AMHERST, MASS
Well this is a little concerning. Reports from Valentine Dining Hall say that the salad bar and the sandwich fixings have vanished. The soup stations are open but they’re just scalding hot water with a bunch of little papers cut from hundreds of books and magazines with the word “vase” on them. “The pasta stations had a greater variety of pasta than I had ever seen, and it was practically overflowing with the stuff. But there were a bunch of two by fours nailed to it and a really nice little sign that said ‘not eat’ so I figured I should steer clear” said Drat Bortles ‘20.

But thankfully there’s a steaming hot unplucked bird sitting up on the counter of the “traditional” line. Better grab it quick though! There’s nothing else cooking and not a soul in sight, so it must be the tail end of the dinner rush! “Honestly, I just think they’re trying a little too hard to compete with all the new Grab n’ Go updates. I mean, have you seen the sushi bar on Thursdays? It’s world class!” said Jack O’Harrid ‘18, who wished to remain anonymous. Wow. First those quick new swipe machines and now a stylish new décor update complete with fancy birds for dinner! What extremely disconcerting updates will Val attempt next?!

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“Stop Babysitting Amherst Students; We’re Responsible Adults,” says Bully Who Plastered Val with Stolen Suzanne Coffey Photoshop

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Clayton Bryant ’18, a former baseball player suspended for forcing a recruit to use his dong as a bat during batting practice, has taken credit for posting pictures of Suzanne Coffey as the Grinch all over Val.

“I’m so tired of this patronizing administration. Amherst students are responsible adults who don’t need to be chaperoned every weekend,” Bryant slurred through a haze of Juul smoke. “I mean, I drink 25 beers a night, introduce myself to women by grabbing their ass, and know how to reallocate my extremely limited cocaine budget to protest an administrator who I don’t like. Could a child have done that? NO! As a kid I could only drink 6, 7 beers, max. I am clearly an adult, and given that my step-father pays full tuition, I deserve to be treated like one.”

“There’s just no reason to hold our hand all the time,” Bryant continued. “The administration should only treat me like a helpless child when it comes to getting me a job at Goldman, dramatically inflating my grades, and cutting me slack in any of my several disciplinary hearings.”

EDITOR’S NOTE: The Muck-Rake would like to acknowledge that we were, in fact, responsible for creating the high-quality and hilarious Coffey ‘Shop. However, we would like to stress that its placement across Val was not our doing. First of all, we can not afford color printing. Second, under no circumstances do we ever leave our musty hovels to go outside. We affirm that criticism of school administrators should only come from Dr. Seuss parodies on collegiate humor websites, not Mean Girls-esque bullying.