Last week, Amherst’s Dean of Interesting Happenstances Generally About Town, Patricia Allen, announced the nominees for senior speak off held last night. These would-be Commencement speakers included a collection of unimpressive, uninspiring seniors who’ve generally accomplished very little, all fighting for the right to impart wisdom they certainly don’t possess, and The Pride and Joy of Amherst College, Amir ‘Denzel’ Hall ’17.
More categorically, this list of speakers, a list with sixteen low lows and one extraordinary high, not only features Amir “The Loud One at Senior Spring Kickoff” Hall, but a bunch of other students who I don’t know, or who I don’t like, and also these two dudes who I thought were kinda cool, but now they’re running against Amir and how the fuck do they expect people to respond to that.
Here are just a few fun facts about the group of Amherst College’s senior speaker nominees!
- One of them, I hear, will be doing Peace Corp and currently volunteers as a seeing-eye-person for blind seeing-eye-dogs. Does that make him a better person than me? Absolutely. But does it make him a better person than Amir? Hard to say, but which one of them has his face on all the recycling bins in Greenway and which one of them will need to take a plane to his assignment in Rwanda even though a plane uses gas and he didn’t post #NO DAPL when that was socially relevant. Put Mother Earth first, like Amir.
- Several are varsity athletes. That’s bad. I know so because I have a lot of friends who live in Marsh or the Zu or some other artist colony, but the kind of artist colony that is exclusively reserved for those whose parents make 65K+ a year in disposable income, and those friends talk a lot about culture and dialectics and when they talk about sports they say the NCAA is modern slavery but that we should also be mad at the athletes because they eat off of trays and drink out of cups instead of eating off of banana leaf mats and drinking out of vases.
- Amir is First-Team-All Just a Crazy Number of Social Media Likes, but the content is pretty good so you can’t really get mad, unless you’re not a fan of crynting.
- One of them, I’ve heard, is Amir Hall.
Woah! Color me impressed! The Senior Speakoff is one of the most important moments of our Amherst College careers, and you certainly missed out if you didn’t show up to see Amir “The Belle of the Ball” Hall speak words so powerful that women cried and men swooned and the deans of admission said, “My, my, wouldn’t that boy look nice on the website and on every single page of all our brochures and on this 3×5 photo I’m going to keep in my wallet just for me.”
Step aside, Bobby Frost! Amir Hall’s Commencement Speech is about to go down as the greatest poetry in the history of the College. And if all this isn’t reason enough to convince you to vote for Amir, know that if anyone else wins, I will burn Johnson Chapel to the fucking ground. And that would be pretty darn historic, too!