Cockroach Sleeps in Puddle of Jizz in Between Cushions of a MoPratt Couch, Football Player/Cockroach Centaurs Emerge

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They prefer to eat food scraps from the back room only.

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Trio of Hopeful Freshmen Embark on Quest to Find the Missing Social Scene of Amherst

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The brave band of visionaries reportedly sought to save Amherst from the Swarthmore-like Spell that had fallen over campus after the Social Scene vanished mysteriously over the summer. Winston Kimberly, a third-generation legacy with a lovable lisp, claimed that “the Social Scene is in, like, another dimension and no one believes us but we’ll totally be heroes when we prove everyone wrong and get it back!” By press time, all three had transferred to Dartmouth.

An Old Science Center, Avocados Among Possible Items to be Bought with $100,000 Cable Savings

US100000dollarsbillobverseTo help put the savings of a new cable policy into perspective for students, the Amherst IT department has released a list of potential purchases that could be made with the savings. The list, which many experts are heralding as “accurate,” “redundant,” and “I know how much $100,000 costs,” is as follows:

  • Giant clothespins in every dorm
  • An old science center
  • The avocados Val promises us if we would stop stealing plates
  • Another office for professor Sarat
  • An actual mammoth
  • Only Brazzers on every TV on campus
  • A Robocop suit for a certain Amherst College police officer
  • Less than half the monetary value of an Amherst education
  • Infinitely more than the real value of an Amherst education
  • 100,000 $1 bills
  • 60 channel-cable for every student on campus

Choose wisely, Amherst!

“I just don’t want to sign my soul away to a bank,” says Senior with Worthless Soul

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Steadying his elbow with his offhand during a game of beer pong, Theodore Piedros ’18 told the Muck-Rake that he doesn’t want to sign his undesirable soul away to a bank. “I just think it would be so spirit-crushing and oppressive” Piedros explained as he stomped on an empty Keystone and threw it at a Freshman on his team. At press time, Piedros’ soul was mansplaining Communism to his superego.

#NotMySmoothieStation – Oppressive Val Policy Denies that Smoothie Recipes are a Spectrum

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Many returning Amherst students have high hopes for the upcoming year. Some students, though, have already had those hopes dashed by a cruel, regressive new policy at Valentine Dining Hall. The once-customizable smoothie station has been replaced with a narrow range of pre-made smoothies. Students with non-conforming and atypical smoothie recipes will be forced into this pre-made dichotomy.

Jessica Wetherby ’21, whose smoothie includes spinach, mango and lighter side chicken, expressed fear that her needs wouldn’t be met by the new system. “I’ve always been marginalized for my food choices,” Wetherby confessed. “I thought Amherst would be a safe smoothie space for me. But now I fear that Amherst’s smoothie fascism will be biased towards protein-rich ingredients in deference to athletes.”

As a protest of the regressive policy, students have placed a large mural of 4 empty glass cups over the drink station in the Back Room. On the bottom of the mural, there is a message written in blended yogurt and blueberries: “These Four Cups Symbolize All The Unrecognized and Uncelebrated Smoothie Recipes of Amherst College.”