AMHERST, MA – Self-described “Theatre Kid” Huey Toastini (née Toastenschmitz—his agent suggested he change it) has been “discussing last night’s reading” at full blast since the professor made the fatal error of calling on him. Hardly had the students settled into their chairs before Toastini, chipper as a baby squirrel with facial hair, opened his big mouth and started jabbering away. “It was mesmerizing,” Melissa Harkness ’20 told us after the 8:30am lecture had come to a close. “It was like a jet taking off. I think I have tinnitus.”
Truly, Toastini has the gift of gab. Ever since playing Algernon in an adapted version of Wilde’s The Importance of Being Earnest in the seventh grade, Toastini has had a passion for the theatre. From that moment forward, his normal indoor speaking voice has rested consistently at or above 100 decibels, sometimes rising to a truly ear-shattering 130. During this particular lecture, it became apparent within the first five minutes that Toastini’s volume was not going to decrease, despite the obvious protestations of his professor and the very foundation of the building itself.
Toastini welcomed an interview, but unfortunately the recording device we usually use was unable to pick up any distinct words.
Cardi A, Cardi C, and Cardi D will remain without identity until Amherst has been suitably bribed.
As you may have heard, this spring concert Amherst will be celebrating the return of some of its former members: join us in welcoming back college dropouts Chelsea Cutler and Corry Colonna (having just released his newest album, “Unplugged, Unemployed, and Unashamed”). You may be wondering why he’s playing an electric guitar on his album ‘Unplugged.’ Unplugged doesn’t mean he can’t plug in, it just means no WATTS.
And it’s not only the dynamic duo Corry and Chelsea that are stopping in for the concert! Other names we already know and love are also returning, like Those Students Returning from Abroad (aka the Chainsmokers), the Dan Brown Band, and the iconic trio of Stone, Crossett, and Pond (aka The Weeknd). Unfortunately, we were unable to book Logic, and thus will be featuring Suzanne Coffey (aka Absence of Logic). Representatives from the Campus Activities Board have said “We are so so sorry, we didn’t think we would get this desperate. Again, sorry”
Well this is a little concerning. Reports from Valentine Dining Hall say that the salad bar and the sandwich fixings have vanished. The soup stations are open but they’re just scalding hot water with a bunch of little papers cut from hundreds of books and magazines with the word “vase” on them. “The pasta stations had a greater variety of pasta than I had ever seen, and it was practically overflowing with the stuff. But there were a bunch of two by fours nailed to it and a really nice little sign that said ‘not eat’ so I figured I should steer clear” said Drat Bortles ‘20.
But thankfully there’s a steaming hot unplucked bird sitting up on the counter of the “traditional” line. Better grab it quick though! There’s nothing else cooking and not a soul in sight, so it must be the tail end of the dinner rush! “Honestly, I just think they’re trying a little too hard to compete with all the new Grab n’ Go updates. I mean, have you seen the sushi bar on Thursdays? It’s world class!” said Jack O’Harrid ‘18, who wished to remain anonymous. Wow. First those quick new swipe machines and now a stylish new décor update complete with fancy birds for dinner! What extremely disconcerting updates will Val attempt next?!
“Come unleash your deepest desires with a moist chicken breast strewn across a steaming bed of carbs” advertised Joe Flueckiger, Director of Dining Services. “We’ll be sure to satisfy all of your basic needs tonight,” Flueckiger winked, while seductively dipping his finger in some left over chicken-pan juice.