Amir Hall ’17 and a Dozen Not-Amir-Halls Speak at Senior Speak-Off

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Last week, Amherst’s Dean of Interesting Happenstances Generally About Town, Patricia Allen, announced the nominees for senior speak off held last night. These would-be Commencement speakers included a collection of unimpressive, uninspiring seniors who’ve generally accomplished very little, all fighting for the right to impart wisdom they certainly don’t possess, and The Pride and Joy of Amherst College, Amir ‘Denzel’ Hall ’17.

More categorically, this list of speakers, a list with sixteen low lows and one extraordinary high, not only features Amir “The Loud One at Senior Spring Kickoff” Hall, but a bunch of other students who I don’t know, or who I don’t like, and also these two dudes who I thought were kinda cool, but now they’re running against Amir and how the fuck do they expect people to respond to that.

Here are just a few fun facts about the group of Amherst College’s senior speaker nominees!

  • One of them, I hear, will be doing Peace Corp and currently volunteers as a seeing-eye-person for blind seeing-eye-dogs. Does that make him a better person than me? Absolutely. But does it make him a better person than Amir? Hard to say, but which one of them has his face on all the recycling bins in Greenway and which one of them will need to take a plane to his assignment in Rwanda even though a plane uses gas and he didn’t  post #NO DAPL when that was socially relevant. Put Mother Earth first, like Amir.
  • Several are varsity athletes. That’s bad. I know so because I have a lot of friends who live in Marsh or the Zu or some other artist colony, but the kind of artist colony that is exclusively reserved for those whose parents make 65K+ a year in disposable income, and those friends talk a lot about culture and dialectics and when they talk about sports they say the NCAA is modern slavery but that we should also be mad at the athletes because they eat off of trays and drink out of cups instead of eating off of banana leaf mats and drinking out of vases.
  • Amir is First-Team-All Just a Crazy Number of Social Media Likes, but the content is pretty good so you can’t really get mad, unless you’re not a fan of crynting.
  • One of them, I’ve heard, is Amir Hall.

Woah! Color me impressed!  The Senior Speakoff is one of the most important moments of our Amherst College careers, and you certainly missed out if you didn’t show up to see Amir “The Belle of the Ball” Hall speak words so powerful that women cried and men swooned and the deans of admission said, “My, my, wouldn’t that boy look nice  on the website and on every single page of all our brochures and on this 3×5 photo I’m going to keep in my wallet just for me.”

Step aside, Bobby Frost! Amir Hall’s Commencement Speech is about to go down as the greatest poetry in the history of the College. And if all this isn’t reason enough to convince you to vote for Amir, know that if anyone else wins, I will burn Johnson Chapel to the fucking ground. And that would be pretty darn historic, too!

The Muck-Rake’s Official Mascot Selection Guide!

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With the mascot decision upon us, the Amherst Muck-Rake has compiled some of the most compelling arguments for and against each of the five remaining options. 

Fighting Poets

PRO

  • Demolishes stereotype that mascots have to be good
  • Gives English majors hope they might be important enough to be vaguely recognized by school
  • Just imagine being the team that loses to the Fighting Poets
  • This mascot will probably  look exactly like Lord Jeff, so I guess everyone wins here
  • This mascot would represent no poet in particular. In fact, the mascot would  represent many different poets, not just one, especially not just that one that you’re thinking about that didn’t like women or gay people, or something. The mascot will represent multiple poets, a few of whom may have said some not great things about Jews…or Muslims…or what have you… but, still, as a whole,  totally a net positive.

CON

  • Poets are mostly known for fighting pneumonia, and losing
  • Oh, so they’re athletic and they’re deep? How am I supposed to get laid now?
  • The fighting consultants would be a much more honest representation of Amherst

Mammoths

PRO

  • The Amherst community will be relieved to finally see the word ‘mammoth’ without its usual pals ‘controversy’ or ‘scandal’.
  • We have a dead mammoth on display in Beneski, which would be a bitch for our rivals to steal.
  • A mammoth was played by Ray Romano in a series of successful children’s films
  • “Amherst Mammoths” would be fun to say. Examples include “Amherst Mammoths Go Home” or “Amherst Mammoths embroiled in controversial scandal.”

CON

  • Done in by climate change and dumb dumbs with sharp sticks
  • Tusk imagery pretty phallic, especially if your dick is curved

Purple & White

PRO

  • “White” is already widely used in sports reporting in reference to Amherst teams; this is the instantly recognizable color not only of our athletic uniforms but of most Amherst athletes. Plus having “White” right there in the name will undoubtedly soothe Lord Jeff supporters.

CON

  • Many well-meaning students are unable to see color
  • Purple and white are the colors of the blankets that Lord Jeff distributed
  • Super embarrasing if whole teams shows up wearing the same colors

Valley Hawks

PRO

  • Not one of those candy-ass Sparrowhawks.
  • Most of us spend more time in valleys than we do in peaks.
  • Only mascot you can see on the quad, murdering squirrels
  • A Valley Hawk stole my infant son from my arms, and now my son has the powers of a hawk
  • Brings back memories of that time I totally nailed Becky in the bird sanctuary

CON

  • Birds are objectively one of the worst of the seven animal categories, barely edging out moss.
  • Brings back terrifying memories of my acid trip in the bird sanctuary
  • Hawks continuously evade my attempts to capture, beer batter, and fry them

Wolves

PRO

  • Pack mentality heavily influences most ineractions at Amherst
  • A gray wolf was spotted in Western Mass in 2008 for the first time since 1840, and  I’m 90 % sure I hit it with my car a month ago
  • A.J. Hastings will unironically sell hipster shirts of wolves howling at the moon

CON

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UMass Amherst Students Mistake LitFest for Amherst College Version of Blarney Blowout

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Several dozen intoxicated UMass Amherst students arrived at LitFest events over the weekend after mistaking them for parties. The offending students disrupted numerous LitFest events when, after attempting to grind on Zadie Smith while she spoke in Johnson Chapel, they were apprehended by Campus Police.

“Bro bro bro, of course I go here. I’ve been to every LitFest,” Bart Stoolie, a UMass Sophomore, insisted. “My girlfriend’s ex – Andy, you know him? He’s got long hair that’s shaved on the sides, wears a cross necklace, 5’9”. Huge Pats fan. Huge. You don’t know Andy? Awwww man Andy’s the best. Anyway, he got really wasted at LitFest last year and yacked in your library… uh… I mean our library. Go Jeffs. Fuck Willison College.”

Campus Police reported several missing items following the incident, including President Biddy Martin’s prized handle of 2009 Rubinoff Cherry (a gift from outgoing President Tony Marx), an ice sculpture of a penguin, and Dorris Kearns Goodwin’s Canada Goose jacket.

As Tuition Increases, More Amherst Parents Forced to Refinance Vacation Homes

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AMHERST MA- To keep up with the liberal arts college’s comprehensive fee increases, 3.5% over last year’s, more Amherst College parents are being forced to refinance their vacation homes. “I’ve had to rent out my cozy Connecticut cabin just to make ends meet,” said Howard Beauregard, Amherst class of ’86. “The tuition goes up again and, god forbid, we might have to lease our cabana in Barbados.

“After the last fiasco, Lord knows I’m not going to summer in Florida,” he added.

Beauregard, whose son is currently attending the college, is one of many Amherst parents who have recently been forced to take out mortgages on Lake Cabins, Swiss chalets, and hunting lodges. “A buddy of mine whose kid goes there had to cut his employees’ sick days to afford to go to Cape Town,” he told Muck-Rake reporters. “Why not just fire one?”

Beauregard’s son, sailing team member Gregory Beauregard, says the money troubles have impacted his ability to  “get crispy with the rock.” “It’s just difficult to focus,” says Beauregard, “when you know that your backup synchilla Patagonia doesn’t vibe well with the season, and you can’t do anything about it. It just hurts.”

Beauregard’s dog’s half-birthday also had to come late this year.

First-Gen association President Brooke Porochek, whose name we have changed in order keep anonymous, explained to the Muck-Rake that low income students are also feeling the squeeze.

“I’ve felt more pressure to justify diversity than I ever have before,” Porochek whispered so as not to be overheard in the busy dining hall, choked with men carrying marbled cups of baby blue Powerade. “There are only so many dances I can teach, y’know? How many tear-stained tales of triumph over tragedy do I have to tell to get them off my back? ”

At press time, Porocheck was finishing a survey, the preliminary findings of which suggest that low income students have been experiencing a 3.5% decrease in eye contact.

Freshman Cracking Under Pressure of English Department’s Pro-Phallic Agenda

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Amherst, MA – One and a half months into a semester ripe with discussions of 19th-century literary symbolism, Craig Blandino ‘20 is having a serious predicament: literally everything represents a phallus. Ever since Professor Rabinowitz made that point about the letter opener in Anna Karenina, Val workers report seeing Blandino lost in tortured thought midway to picking up a hotdog with a pair of tongs and nervously avoiding eye contact with the tiny bin of carrots at the salad bar. One observer recently witnessed Blandino shriek, “What the fuck dude?!” before diving into a snow bank to avoid an old man with a cane crossing Route 9.

Sources close to Blandino, but not like close in a gay way, say that he’s recently changed his profile picture from a *timeless* cigar-puffing shot to a grainy zoom-in on one of his perfectly rectangular abs at a Toby Keith concert. “He’s had to take certain measures to combat the profusion of phallic symbols in daily life,” Blandino’s roommate Vince Brotein ’20 confirmed, “Everything in our sick man cave is now shaped like a cube, sphere, or triangular prism. I had to throw out all my lava lamps, but it was worth it to preserve psychological safety in our friendship.” An unconfirmed report also places Blandino in the WGC after hours last Friday, stealing duct tape, glue, and other supplies to help reinforce his fragile masculinity.

Though Blandino declined to comment on the rumors, phalluses, or cylindrical shapes in general, he did affirm his cutting-edge views on gender and sexuality to the Muck-Rake while wiggling into a tank top that said ‘No Homo.’ “My manliness has always been strong and will continue to thrive despite continued threats from forces that wish to do me harm. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have twelve steaks to grill.”