AMHERST, MA – A week long Muckrake investigation culminated in the discovery that it is, indeed, hot as fuck. Additionally, due to the truly breathtaking number of fans in the Moore windows, the building has moved nearly 4 inches off its foundation. The Muckrake predicts that it will take flight within the next 24 hours if just 2 more fans are added. Many members of the Amherst community are dismayed about the heat, for differing reasons. “The heat is really annoying,” said Bruntley Gantchee ‘21. “On the one hand, it’s sunny, and sunny equals outdoor beer pong. But on the other hand, it’s hot, so if I play, I’ll totally sweat through my vintage Vince Carter Raptors jersey.”
Josh Meyers ‘20, an environmental studies major, had some other thoughts: “This heat is incredibly dangerous! In fact, it’s actually the hottest it’s been in a geologically significant time span and it’s all because–” (This quote was all our reporter heard before they fell asleep with their eyes open, but we can report that Mr. Meyers was still talking about carbon footprints when they awoke 40 minutes later.)
Some Amherst College community members, however, were not so concerned with the heatwave. “It’s not even that hot! It was way hotter in Bangkok.” said Ellen Rutlege ‘19, who recently studied abroad in Thailand and has neglected to shut up about it. “It’s just a little heatwave, nothing we can’t manage,” said Professor Sarat, as he sat in one of his three heavily air-conditioned offices and breathed fresh air imported from his summertime chalet in the Slovenian Alps (provided for him by the College, of course.)
AMHERST, MA – “You’ll know when we hand you your diploma, because it’ll have a big fucking smiley sticker where my signature should be,” said President Martin at the President’s Welcome for Students, Families & Guests on last Tuesday. According to the Office of Admissions, 491 students were enrolled to the Class of 2022 – 492 if you count the doofus that got by because they thought it’d be funny.
This revelation came as a shock to many students, especially those insecure enough to worry that they might be the dumb idiot. “I know I’m not a legacy kid, but it wouldn’t be me, right?” asked Ronald McCormack ’22 nervously. “When I studied clowning, I thought it would add to my portfolio,” he added. Others have taken the high road, including Jesse Steves ’22, saying, “Look, even if I’m the joke admission, at the end of the four years, they can’t take away the knowledge I’ve gained at the school. Especially the knowledge that one of my classmates only got in because their application was dumb enough to give the admissions team a big hoot.”
“We welcome all kinds of people to Amherst,” continues President Martin in her address, “but, again, I just want to give a huge, warm welcome to the jester who doesn’t belong.”
AMHERST, MA – Self-described “Theatre Kid” Huey Toastini (née Toastenschmitz—his agent suggested he change it) has been “discussing last night’s reading” at full blast since the professor made the fatal error of calling on him. Hardly had the students settled into their chairs before Toastini, chipper as a baby squirrel with facial hair, opened his big mouth and started jabbering away. “It was mesmerizing,” Melissa Harkness ’20 told us after the 8:30am lecture had come to a close. “It was like a jet taking off. I think I have tinnitus.”
Truly, Toastini has the gift of gab. Ever since playing Algernon in an adapted version of Wilde’s The Importance of Being Earnest in the seventh grade, Toastini has had a passion for the theatre. From that moment forward, his normal indoor speaking voice has rested consistently at or above 100 decibels, sometimes rising to a truly ear-shattering 130. During this particular lecture, it became apparent within the first five minutes that Toastini’s volume was not going to decrease, despite the obvious protestations of his professor and the very foundation of the building itself.
Toastini welcomed an interview, but unfortunately the recording device we usually use was unable to pick up any distinct words.
Cardi A, Cardi C, and Cardi D will remain without identity until Amherst has been suitably bribed.
As you may have heard, this spring concert Amherst will be celebrating the return of some of its former members: join us in welcoming back college dropouts Chelsea Cutler and Corry Colonna (having just released his newest album, “Unplugged, Unemployed, and Unashamed”). You may be wondering why he’s playing an electric guitar on his album ‘Unplugged.’ Unplugged doesn’t mean he can’t plug in, it just means no WATTS.
And it’s not only the dynamic duo Corry and Chelsea that are stopping in for the concert! Other names we already know and love are also returning, like Those Students Returning from Abroad (aka the Chainsmokers), the Dan Brown Band, and the iconic trio of Stone, Crossett, and Pond (aka The Weeknd). Unfortunately, we were unable to book Logic, and thus will be featuring Suzanne Coffey (aka Absence of Logic). Representatives from the Campus Activities Board have said “We are so so sorry, we didn’t think we would get this desperate. Again, sorry”
Well this is a little concerning. Reports from Valentine Dining Hall say that the salad bar and the sandwich fixings have vanished. The soup stations are open but they’re just scalding hot water with a bunch of little papers cut from hundreds of books and magazines with the word “vase” on them. “The pasta stations had a greater variety of pasta than I had ever seen, and it was practically overflowing with the stuff. But there were a bunch of two by fours nailed to it and a really nice little sign that said ‘not eat’ so I figured I should steer clear” said Drat Bortles ‘20.
But thankfully there’s a steaming hot unplucked bird sitting up on the counter of the “traditional” line. Better grab it quick though! There’s nothing else cooking and not a soul in sight, so it must be the tail end of the dinner rush! “Honestly, I just think they’re trying a little too hard to compete with all the new Grab n’ Go updates. I mean, have you seen the sushi bar on Thursdays? It’s world class!” said Jack O’Harrid ‘18, who wished to remain anonymous. Wow. First those quick new swipe machines and now a stylish new décor update complete with fancy birds for dinner! What extremely disconcerting updates will Val attempt next?!