Not So Inclusive A Cappella: An op ed from the demon rejected by TI

DemonOpEd.jpgAMHERST, MA – With the addition of the first woman in the Zumbyes, you might be thinking that times are a-changin’, that Amherst a cappella is taking a turn for the more inclusive. I’m here to tell you that isn’t true.

Hi. I’m Adramelech, former Great Chancellor of the Underworld and President of the High Council of Demons, 8th archdemon in Beelzebub’s Order of the Fly, and royal wardrobe supervisor for the devil himself. I know I sound scary, but I’ve changed! What set me on the path to righteousness was listening to our very own Christian a cappella group, Terras Irradient. The first time I heard “Shackles”, I found myself grooving in my seat, and I even shed a tear at “Worthy is the Lamb”. I immediately stopped using my evil powers to make the J Chap pews even more uncomfortable, cut off ties with my old employer, and dedicated myself to a new goal: being a member of TI.

When they posted auditions, I was so excited I accidentally let loose a plague of lice! It was my time to shine. I used to sing in the fire showers down below, and all my torture victims told me I had a good set of pipes on me (that is, before I ripped their tongues out), so I was pretty sure I’d at least make it to callbacks. I mean, they said during the freshman showcase that I didn’t have to be Christian.

So much for getting my hopes up.

I’m used to people quivering in my presence, but I thought things would be different here, especially with the institutional commitment to diversity. But when I walked into the room, the only thing I was greeted with was screaming. I guess I’m not attractive enough for you, Terras Irradient! I guess my mule head and peacock body doesn’t fit into your Western, Judeo-Christian beauty standards! Once the screeching died down and I explained myself, they (trembling) told me to sing what I had prepared. Feeling shaken but not discouraged, I continued with the traditional version of Silent Night, sung in my native 7th Circle dialect. I must’ve made an impression, because blood began to drip from Meredith’s ears and Donna’s eyes rolled back into her head. Then, they asked me about my faith. Well, of course, I told them: I’ve been serving the devil ever since I was a little baby demon. Of course I believe in Lucifer’s right to rebel against God, the punishment of sinners for all eternity, and doing general evil. They told me they’d think about it.

Well, they certainly didn’t need much time, because when the callback list was posted, my name was suspiciously missing. I got worried. Maybe they made a mistake? I know I can sing. So I messaged them on Facebook, just politely checking in about my audition, and they had the audacity to say that I wasn’t the right fit for the group! That my voice reminded them of famine! That my mule head would be disconcerting to parents during Family Weekend! Well. I certainly did not expect that from a group that claims to be inclusive. I tried to go to Title IX, but Laurie said the law didn’t cover discrimination based on demon status, and there was nothing she could do for me.

I am disappointed in the Amherst community, which is why I want my story to be heard. It’s great that the Zumbyes feel like they can take this step forward into gender inclusivity, but we can’t call ourselves an inclusive community until all members are respected, loved, and appreciated for what they uniquely bring to campus. So what if what I bring is abject terror, plague, and Val noodle bar? I am a worthwhile member of this school and deserve to be treated as such. Hail Satan! Tusks up!

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Hero: Grab N’ Go Chris has Made the Ultimate Sacrifice to Defeat the Self Swipe Machine

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AMHERST, MA – When Chris from Grab N’ Go heard that an automatic card swiper was going to replace him and help decrease line congestion, he challenged it to a swipe off to the death. Talk about taking a stand!

“I’d never heard anything like it. I was in Converse when suddenly shouts of ‘Rock on, dude,’ and ‘Have an incredible lunch, bro,’ deafened everyone and shattered the windows. I had to go see what was going on” said Chuntley Hunt ‘20, star lacrosse player and inbound summer analyst at very cool investment bank according to his LinkedIn.

But he wasn’t all bark and no bite, according to other Muck-Rake sources. “He had two cards spinning in the air on his right, and was swiping a third one with his left hand. I’ve never seen anything like it. It’s like he was the Austin Sarat of swiping you in, but not an asshole” said Tom Gomez ‘21.

In order to determine if Chris really could beat the machine, President Martin encouraged students to get back in line as soon as they got their food, saying “There can only be one! Forget the slop that you shovel into your mouth every day! This is bigger than you, this is about HONOR, about POWER, about TRUTH,” as thunder crashed throughout the campus center.

After flipping and swiping 3000 cards and emitting several hundred cold, robotic variations of “Enjoy your lunch, dude,” the machine finally sputtered and died, resulting in an explosion that destroyed most of the new Schwemm’s pub.

Chris stood victorious amidst the rubble, his hands blistered from swiping an incredible 3001 cards. He couldn’t enjoy his victory for long however, because the second the relief of victory washed over him, he collapsed to the ground and his heart exploded. As he lay dying, he triumphantly lifted his arm and let out one last “Rock on, dude”.

Wow! Rock on to you too, Chris!

MUCKRAKE EXCLUSIVE: It’s Hot As Fuck

HotAsFuckAMHERST, MA – A week long Muckrake investigation culminated in the discovery that it is, indeed, hot as fuck. Additionally, due to the truly breathtaking number of fans in the Moore windows, the building has moved nearly 4 inches off its foundation. The Muckrake predicts that it will take flight within the next 24 hours if just 2 more fans are added. Many members of the Amherst community are dismayed about the heat, for differing reasons. “The heat is really annoying,” said Bruntley Gantchee ‘21. “On the one hand, it’s sunny, and sunny equals outdoor beer pong. But on the other hand, it’s hot, so if I play, I’ll totally sweat through my vintage Vince Carter Raptors jersey.”

Josh Meyers ‘20, an environmental studies major, had some other thoughts: “This heat is incredibly dangerous! In fact, it’s actually the hottest it’s been in a geologically significant time span and it’s all because–” (This quote was all our reporter heard before they fell asleep with their eyes open, but we can report that Mr. Meyers was still talking about carbon footprints when they awoke 40 minutes later.)

Some Amherst College community members, however, were not so concerned with the heatwave. “It’s not even that hot! It was way hotter in Bangkok.” said Ellen Rutlege ‘19, who recently studied abroad in Thailand and has neglected to shut up about it. “It’s just a little heatwave, nothing we can’t manage,” said Professor Sarat, as he sat in one of his three heavily air-conditioned offices and breathed fresh air imported from his summertime chalet in the Slovenian Alps (provided for him by the College, of course.)

Biddy Reassures Freshmen: “All of you belong here, except for the one idiot we let in as a joke.”

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AMHERST, MA – “You’ll know when we hand you your diploma, because it’ll have a big fucking smiley sticker where my signature should be,” said President Martin at the President’s Welcome for Students, Families & Guests on last Tuesday. According to the Office of Admissions, 491 students were enrolled to the Class of 2022 – 492 if you count the doofus that got by because they thought it’d be funny.

This revelation came as a shock to many students, especially those insecure enough to worry that they might be the dumb idiot. “I know I’m not a legacy kid, but it wouldn’t be me, right?” asked Ronald McCormack ’22 nervously. “When I studied clowning, I thought it would add to my portfolio,” he added. Others have taken the high road, including Jesse Steves ’22, saying, “Look, even if I’m the joke admission, at the end of the four years, they can’t take away the knowledge I’ve gained at the school. Especially the knowledge that one of my classmates only got in because their application was dumb enough to give the admissions team a big hoot.”

“We welcome all kinds of people to Amherst,” continues President Martin in her address, “but, again, I just want to give a huge, warm welcome to the jester who doesn’t belong.”

Theatre Kid Apparently Going to Talk This Loudly for the Rest of Class

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AMHERST, MA – Self-described “Theatre Kid” Huey Toastini (née Toastenschmitz—his agent suggested he change it) has been “discussing last night’s reading” at full blast since the professor made the fatal error of calling on him. Hardly had the students settled into their chairs before Toastini, chipper as a baby squirrel with facial hair, opened his big mouth and started jabbering away. “It was mesmerizing,” Melissa Harkness ’20 told us after the 8:30am lecture had come to a close. “It was like a jet taking off. I think I have tinnitus.”

Truly, Toastini has the gift of gab. Ever since playing Algernon in an adapted version of Wilde’s The Importance of Being Earnest in the seventh grade, Toastini has had a passion for the theatre. From that moment forward, his normal indoor speaking voice has rested consistently at or above 100 decibels, sometimes rising to a truly ear-shattering 130. During this particular lecture, it became apparent within the first five minutes that Toastini’s volume was not going to decrease, despite the obvious protestations of his professor and the very foundation of the building itself.

Toastini welcomed an interview, but unfortunately the recording device we usually use was unable to pick up any distinct words.

CAB Drops Last Minute Spring Concert Bomb

As you may have heard, this spring concert Amherst will be celebrating the return of some of its former members: join us in welcoming back college dropouts Chelsea Cutler and Corry Colonna (having just released his newest album, “Unplugged, Unemployed, and Unashamed”). You may be wondering why he’s playing an electric guitar on his album ‘Unplugged.’ Unplugged doesn’t mean he can’t plug in, it just means no WATTS.

And it’s not only the dynamic duo Corry and Chelsea that are stopping in for the concert! Other names we already know and love are also returning, like Those Students Returning from Abroad (aka the Chainsmokers), the Dan Brown Band, and the iconic trio of Stone, Crossett, and Pond (aka The Weeknd). Unfortunately, we were unable to book Logic, and thus will be featuring Suzanne Coffey (aka Absence of Logic). Representatives from the Campus Activities Board have said “We are so so sorry, we didn’t think we would get this desperate. Again, sorry”