Top 5 Signs You Totally Missed Your Chance to Meet Richard Wilbur

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1You preregistered for “Reading Poetry” but decided to follow your heart toward a fulfilling career in medicine, necessitating an extra biology course. Dummy!

2. You didn’t think you’d have enough time to eat lunch if you took “Reading Poetry” with Richard Wilbur at 12:30. Hey fatso! Try grab n’ go next time the best poet of our goddamn generation is teaching a course. Idiot!

3. You thought you saw Richard Wilbur in Jenkins last weekend, but he was standing next to your ex, so you bolted. Stupid, stupid you!

4. Mistaking the Pulitzer prizewinner for the man who shot Alexander Hamilton, you challenged Richard Wilbur to a duel and won, without ever asking him what inspired his latest collection of poetry. You killed Richard Wilbur. You are an ignoramus!

5. You’re Zephaniah Swift Moore, first president of Amherst College, and you died before Wilbur was born. What a lack of foresight! Moron!

Better luck next time!

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Seven Steps to Acing Those Last Few Finals

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We’ve all been there: Finals are underway and now you’ve got to figure out how to prepare for finals.  Fear not, because the Muck-Rake has you covered. Here are seven easy tips for acing those terminal assessments!

1. Get Midnight Breakfast at Val

Studies show a full stomach makes for a full examination. Swing by Val for a few hours before you get cracking; the soothing aroma of three-day-old chicken soaking in dish soap will provide invigorating brain-fuel for your studies!

2. Slip into one of Keefe’s massage chairs

Let the sweat-encrusted leather of the Friedman Room massage chairs envelop your limp flesh prison in a night of rest and relaxation! The Office of Student Life has shipped three bonafide Lazy Boy PowerReclineXR’s to the Friedman room, and those greasy boys are fired up and ready to go. Work the knots out of your deteriorating back before your big test, you won’t regret it.

3. Take up Jogging

Everyone knows finals week is the best time to pick up jogging. You might think you’re too busy, but that’s just you tricking yourself into not jogging, like you always do. Jogging is a great way to relax and take your mind off work, especially because there are still two hours left in the day to go over your three review sheets!

4. Attend the Chipotle Burrito Drop at the Powerhouse

Watch as thousands of burritos darken the sky from the safety and comfort of the Powerhouse! Literally the only structure capable of withstanding this terrible display of power, the Powerhouse is the perfect place to watch in horror as two thousand dollars of Chipotle burrito fixings are dropped from a height of 4,000 feet.

5. Clean your dorm

Whether you live with a roomie or not, your dorm is probably a filthy, pestilent sty. Recent studies have proven that you’re a dirty, filthy, nasty bit of Jenkins shower scum, and taking the time to clean your workspace is the fifth step to becoming that baby genius you’ve always been told you are.

6. Don’t Panic

Things may seem bleak, but we promise, everyone’s been there. The sense of crushing defeat, like everything is falling and time is slipping through your fingers? That’s ok. What’s important is taking good care of your mental health. Take deep breaths, and research yoga classes to try out next semester. After you register for a couple, boil a cup of tea for yourself and check your socials. Remember: everyone earns a break now and again. Oh jesus, the sun’s really set. Oh god, oh man. That’s not good. We haven’t even begun giving you our study related tips!

7. Contact an Extraplanar Entity Capable of Taking Your Finals For You

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Look, we know this is exactly how things went last semester. We’re sorry. Maybe you should have started studying sooner, but don’t worry! Klargon, your new class dean has you covered.

All you need to ace your exams this time around is to bind an eldritch being to your service and let them dominate your physical form. Lucky for you, this Tuesday, from 1-3pm, Klargon and Paul Gallegos will be handing them out for free in the Keefe atrium. These ghastly creatures use their access to higher dimensions of reality to acquire all the information necessary to slam dunk your finals for you! Sponsored by the Office of Student Life!

We hoped you enjoyed our seven easy steps for acing your finals. Be sure to take a nice bath after Ammutseba, Devourer of Stars, has been inside you – you earned it!

Beneski Adds DVD Box Set of TV Show Bones to Fossil Collection

 

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AMHERST, MA – Following an anonymous alumni donation, Beneski Museum of Natural History completed its collection of long dead fossils this week by adding a full DVD box set of Bones. “Booth and Bones had incredible sexual tension,” museum educator Alfred Venne explained to an eager boy in his tour group. “They’re the key to this whole thing. They had a real will-they-won’t-they relationship in the earlier seasons that drove people capital-W Wild. Not to spoil too much, but they totally bang. Forget this fossil junk kid,” he said, resting a Season 1 Disk on a Dryosaurus rib. “This stuff right here is the real deal.”

When asked how he felt about the new exhibit, Mr. Venne stated “All the old dinosaur skeletons never really did much for me. I mean, they’re dead, big whoop. But when we got this DVD box set, complete with deleted scenes and cast commentary, I knew my years of toil in this glorified mausoleum were worth it.”

Mr. Venne, slowly caressing his face with a Bones Season 3 DVD, also revealed his plan to remove each Beneski exhibit until only the Bones box set remains. “I’m still writing the petition, but once I get enough signatures the museum fat-cats will have to toss these creepy skeletons out of here.” When Muck-Rake correspondents pressed him to explain his reasoning, Venne became defensive. “Kids keep getting distracted by the mammoth skeleton and other fossils during my tours. They ignore my list of the top ten Bones Season 2 production mistakes and imagine live mammoth births instead. This is supposed to be a place of learning, and the fossils are getting in the way of that.”

Although many share Venne’s enthusiasm for the new exhibit, there do exist critics within the Amherst community, namely Professor Murphy of the Geology department. Professor Murphy voiced her concerns in an interview with the Muck-Rake earlier today in Beneski. Professor Murphy asked that she remain anonymous. To respect her wishes, we ask that you do not read her name when it appears in this article. “I’m worried that a huge attraction like the Bones DVD box set might overshadow the exhibit I curated: Rocks, An Evolving Technology?” said Professor Murphy, gesturing toward the pretty big geode she had on display. “See this? Well, I think it’s cool!”

Trembling as she spoke, Professor Murphy added: “When I voiced my concerns to Biddy, she talked me down by calling in another professor and firing her on the spot. ‘There there’ she said.”

Other critics have emerged as well. “To be honest, it’s a real missed opportunity,” lamented  Ricky Morrison ‘19 as he looked wistfully through Beneski’s glass panes. “With the money Beneski spent on this exhibit, they could have easily afforded to purchase the full box sets for both NUMB3RS and The Mentalist.”

Idiot Thinks Signing Up For 8:30 Class Will Make Him Wake Up Earlier

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AMHERST, MA – Sending in his schedule with a big idiot grin on his face, idiot sophomore Elliot Sizemore proudly told himself, “this oughta give me enough motivation to wake up at a reasonable hour,” as he ignored the wisdom of his friends, relatives, and personal experience. “This course looks so interesting, I’ll WANT to wake up early” Sizemore thought, despite having already slept through his ten o’ clock class twice this semester. “It takes me about ten minutes to walk from Tyler, five minutes to shower, three minutes to shave, two minutes and three quarters to brush my teeth, forty-five seconds to get dressed, and five minutes to do the reading before class,” the idiot said to himself as he went to sleep after emailing his advisor at three in the morning. “Which leaves me ten minutes to have breakfast at Val! Easy!” At press time, he was convincing himself he would be able to go to bed at four in the afternoon.

“I Was Cooped Up In JChap With My Mom For Ten Hours.” Amherst Shares Their Parent’s Weekend Stories

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Family weekend is always an exciting time to reconnect with your parents and meet those of last week’s hook-up. So we at the Muck-Rake asked Amherst Students and faculty to share their favorite stories about the weekend where we finallly reconnect with our parents after taking off on our own.

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Jack Blanchard ‘ 19

I got the “We’re here” text at about 4 AM on Friday. My parents are such early birds! But I hadn’t cleaned my room after our Thursday Narty (night party). I asked the RC where the vacuum was, then waited for the RC to contact their AC to tell them how to best answer the question, “Where is the vacuum,” then waited for the AC to hear back from the board of trustees about the vacuum location pending approval of the vacuum request form. Eventually the request went through, and I was able to vacuum my room, after a short vacuum registration process with ACPD.

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Austin Haley ‘18

My dad is always watching my nightlife like a hawk. Luckily, this year he seemed a little bit more relaxed about my partying with friends after dinner. After vomiting a worm into my mouth, he said, “Have fun in Jenkins tonight my little blue bell, it’s mating season!” He’s definitely becoming more laid-back.

 

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Alicia Charlap ‘21

My Mom is always in my business, but whenever I tell her something, it’s like she isn’t even listening. On Saturday night she’s like, “When are we going to meet your boyfriend?” and I’m like, “Ugh, Mom, don’t you remember the LJST parent’s brunch?? He gave the keynote speech!” I mean, she should’ve figured we were a thing when I started all my questions with “Daddy.” Luckily he’s my advisor too, so I don’t have to save two different numbers on my phone. He’s committed to making a lasting change in law, so he’s well known for his passionate Op-Eds fighting against the under-representation of tall blondes in the courtroom.

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Robbie Enticer ‘19

Every year I dread parents weekend because I just know my mom is going to make that same stupid joke about the bird sanctuary. This is the fourth year in a row where she has said “this sanctuary is for the birds!” Then she vomited a worm into my mouth.

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Franchezka Santos ‘20

My parents and I like to ask big questions, like “where should we brunch?” Mom’s powerpoint on Lone Wolf’s eggs hollandaise was convincing, but couldn’t beat Dad’s interdisciplinary song-and-dance about the Jeff’s superior patio seating. But like every year, we ended up going to the mixer for Lax Dads and Field Hockey Moms at Johnny’s Tavern. Dad got wasted from Mimosa Pong and tried to flirt with my suitemate’s Mom, so we left and ended up eating in the Map Room. I was really hungry, so I ordered Eurasia.

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Trent Grubsko ‘19

Family Weekend is humiliating because I am so embarrassed by my institution’s “bird sanctuary.” Luckily, my parents flew south for the winter this year. Crisis averted.

 

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Grant Yarboro ‘20

My big sister’s a real bird brain. She flew right into one of glass panes on the new science center. And, this was after I already petitioned the school not to use Windex! Classic Amherst.

 

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Felicia Poulet ‘20

I really got fucked in room draw this year. The bird sanctuary is so far from Val, it’s ridiculous. I mean it’s fine, because I can just fly there.  But there is just no shelf space in here! On the bright side, my parents were happy I vacuumed the place.

 

 

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Eli Wallford ‘19

“This was the first year my mom could come for parents weekend, so I knew I had to show her the timeless Amherst sights. As every student knows, the only sight more classic at Amherst than the walk of shame, sperrys and salmon shorts, or pink lemonade rubi is the view from Memorial Hill. We showed up early Saturday morning, AmCo coffees in hand, and arrived just in time to see a guy exposing himself to the mountains. You know what they say: memorials are meant for schwasted dudes making shadow puppets with their dongs in the emergency beacon light. I mean, who among us hasn’t seen a sublime view, a mark of God’s touch on the earth, and thought, ‘I should show my dick to it?’ So glad mom could make the trip.”

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Derrick Rose ‘19

Of course we went to the War Memorial, but this is the first time I rested my wings long enough to read the plaque. “Erected by an anonymous architect one night in 1932 , the war memorial baffled students at the time. Now it’s widely considered by historians to be the first eerily accurate prediction of World War 2. Though when first built it was a simple, blank stone, names and cities of our gold star students appeared at sunrise after battle in which they fell. It has become a vivid reminder of the sacrifices our students have made in this country’s service. The Stone desires more names. Terras Irradient.”

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Bird Pritchard ‘53

This is my 60th parents’ weekend here at the nest. What a hoot! I love it here. Can you believe that when I first started teaching the students were still dinosaurs? Now I’m teaching all of their descendants who have evolved into modern day birds. Oh, how time flies!

 

owl-looking-at-camera-jody-trappe-photography.jpgLillian Owler ‘21

Family weekend can be really stressful as a first year student, especially when you feel like you don’t really fit in at Amherst. My mom says I just need to spread my wings and learn to fly here, but it’s really hard when your room in North can barely fit a cage and your roommate orders Wings Over Amherst almost every night!