AMHERST, MA – Following an anonymous alumni donation, Beneski Museum of Natural History completed its collection of long dead fossils this week by adding a full DVD box set of Bones. “Booth and Bones had incredible sexual tension,” museum educator Alfred Venne explained to an eager boy in his tour group. “They’re the key to this whole thing. They had a real will-they-won’t-they relationship in the earlier seasons that drove people capital-W Wild. Not to spoil too much, but they totally bang. Forget this fossil junk kid,” he said, resting a Season 1 Disk on a Dryosaurus rib. “This stuff right here is the real deal.”
When asked how he felt about the new exhibit, Mr. Venne stated “All the old dinosaur skeletons never really did much for me. I mean, they’re dead, big whoop. But when we got this DVD box set, complete with deleted scenes and cast commentary, I knew my years of toil in this glorified mausoleum were worth it.”
Mr. Venne, slowly caressing his face with a Bones Season 3 DVD, also revealed his plan to remove each Beneski exhibit until only the Bones box set remains. “I’m still writing the petition, but once I get enough signatures the museum fat-cats will have to toss these creepy skeletons out of here.” When Muck-Rake correspondents pressed him to explain his reasoning, Venne became defensive. “Kids keep getting distracted by the mammoth skeleton and other fossils during my tours. They ignore my list of the top ten Bones Season 2 production mistakes and imagine live mammoth births instead. This is supposed to be a place of learning, and the fossils are getting in the way of that.”
Although many share Venne’s enthusiasm for the new exhibit, there do exist critics within the Amherst community, namely Professor Murphy of the Geology department. Professor Murphy voiced her concerns in an interview with the Muck-Rake earlier today in Beneski. Professor Murphy asked that she remain anonymous. To respect her wishes, we ask that you do not read her name when it appears in this article. “I’m worried that a huge attraction like the Bones DVD box set might overshadow the exhibit I curated: Rocks, An Evolving Technology?” said Professor Murphy, gesturing toward the pretty big geode she had on display. “See this? Well, I think it’s cool!”
Trembling as she spoke, Professor Murphy added: “When I voiced my concerns to Biddy, she talked me down by calling in another professor and firing her on the spot. ‘There there’ she said.”
Other critics have emerged as well. “To be honest, it’s a real missed opportunity,” lamented Ricky Morrison ‘19 as he looked wistfully through Beneski’s glass panes. “With the money Beneski spent on this exhibit, they could have easily afforded to purchase the full box sets for both NUMB3RS and The Mentalist.”
AMHERST, MA – Sending in his schedule with a big idiot grin on his face, idiot sophomore Elliot Sizemore proudly told himself, “this oughta give me enough motivation to wake up at a reasonable hour,” as he ignored the wisdom of his friends, relatives, and personal experience. “This course looks so interesting, I’ll WANT to wake up early” Sizemore thought, despite having already slept through his ten o’ clock class twice this semester. “It takes me about ten minutes to walk from Tyler, five minutes to shower, three minutes to shave, two minutes and three quarters to brush my teeth, forty-five seconds to get dressed, and five minutes to do the reading before class,” the idiot said to himself as he went to sleep after emailing his advisor at three in the morning. “Which leaves me ten minutes to have breakfast at Val! Easy!” At press time, he was convincing himself he would be able to go to bed at four in the afternoon.
Family weekend is always an exciting time to reconnect with your parents and meet those of last week’s hook-up. So we at the Muck-Rake asked Amherst Students and faculty to share their favorite stories about the weekend where we finallly reconnect with our parents after taking off on our own.
Jack Blanchard ‘ 19
I got the “We’re here” text at about 4 AM on Friday. My parents are such early birds! But I hadn’t cleaned my room after our Thursday Narty (night party). I asked the RC where the vacuum was, then waited for the RC to contact their AC to tell them how to best answer the question, “Where is the vacuum,” then waited for the AC to hear back from the board of trustees about the vacuum location pending approval of the vacuum request form. Eventually the request went through, and I was able to vacuum my room, after a short vacuum registration process with ACPD.
Austin Haley ‘18
My dad is always watching my nightlife like a hawk. Luckily, this year he seemed a little bit more relaxed about my partying with friends after dinner. After vomiting a worm into my mouth, he said, “Have fun in Jenkins tonight my little blue bell, it’s mating season!” He’s definitely becoming more laid-back.
Alicia Charlap ‘21
My Mom is always in my business, but whenever I tell her something, it’s like she isn’t even listening. On Saturday night she’s like, “When are we going to meet your boyfriend?” and I’m like, “Ugh, Mom, don’t you remember the LJST parent’s brunch?? He gave the keynote speech!” I mean, she should’ve figured we were a thing when I started all my questions with “Daddy.” Luckily he’s my advisor too, so I don’t have to save two different numbers on my phone. He’s committed to making a lasting change in law, so he’s well known for his passionate Op-Eds fighting against the under-representation of tall blondes in the courtroom.
Robbie Enticer ‘19
Every year I dread parents weekend because I just know my mom is going to make that same stupid joke about the bird sanctuary. This is the fourth year in a row where she has said “this sanctuary is for the birds!” Then she vomited a worm into my mouth.
Franchezka Santos ‘20
My parents and I like to ask big questions, like “where should we brunch?” Mom’s powerpoint on Lone Wolf’s eggs hollandaise was convincing, but couldn’t beat Dad’s interdisciplinary song-and-dance about the Jeff’s superior patio seating. But like every year, we ended up going to the mixer for Lax Dads and Field Hockey Moms at Johnny’s Tavern. Dad got wasted from Mimosa Pong and tried to flirt with my suitemate’s Mom, so we left and ended up eating in the Map Room. I was really hungry, so I ordered Eurasia.
Trent Grubsko ‘19
Family Weekend is humiliating because I am so embarrassed by my institution’s “bird sanctuary.” Luckily, my parents flew south for the winter this year. Crisis averted.
Grant Yarboro ‘20
My big sister’s a real bird brain. She flew right into one of glass panes on the new science center. And, this was after I already petitioned the school not to use Windex! Classic Amherst.
Felicia Poulet ‘20
I really got fucked in room draw this year. The bird sanctuary is so far from Val, it’s ridiculous. I mean it’s fine, because I can just fly there. But there is just no shelf space in here! On the bright side, my parents were happy I vacuumed the place.
Eli Wallford ‘19
“This was the first year my mom could come for parents weekend, so I knew I had to show her the timeless Amherst sights. As every student knows, the only sight more classic at Amherst than the walk of shame, sperrys and salmon shorts, or pink lemonade rubi is the view from Memorial Hill. We showed up early Saturday morning, AmCo coffees in hand, and arrived just in time to see a guy exposing himself to the mountains. You know what they say: memorials are meant for schwasted dudes making shadow puppets with their dongs in the emergency beacon light. I mean, who among us hasn’t seen a sublime view, a mark of God’s touch on the earth, and thought, ‘I should show my dick to it?’ So glad mom could make the trip.”
Derrick Rose ‘19
Of course we went to the War Memorial, but this is the first time I rested my wings long enough to read the plaque. “Erected by an anonymous architect one night in 1932 , the war memorial baffled students at the time. Now it’s widely considered by historians to be the first eerily accurate prediction of World War 2. Though when first built it was a simple, blank stone, names and cities of our gold star students appeared at sunrise after battle in which they fell. It has become a vivid reminder of the sacrifices our students have made in this country’s service. The Stone desires more names. Terras Irradient.”
Bird Pritchard ‘53
This is my 60th parents’ weekend here at the nest. What a hoot! I love it here. Can you believe that when I first started teaching the students were still dinosaurs? Now I’m teaching all of their descendants who have evolved into modern day birds. Oh, how time flies!
Lillian Owler ‘21
Family weekend can be really stressful as a first year student, especially when you feel like you don’t really fit in at Amherst. My mom says I just need to spread my wings and learn to fly here, but it’s really hard when your room in North can barely fit a cage and your roommate orders Wings Over Amherst almost every night!
With the sudden stroke of a tennis racket on Saturday afternoon, representatives of sixteen suites reached a landmark party accord that will commit nearly every varsity team to making the final Crossett Christmas as dope as possible.
As the clock ticked down to the annual Christmas blowout, mixer negotiations took on the intensity of four elderly Cuban men slapping down dominoes in the park.
“There was some disappointment, as we hoped that the Rubinoff funding wouldn’t have to fall on the residents of 303,” Women’s Lax representative Carmen Bouval said. “But we made important inroads regarding playlist domain rights, so we’re satisfied.”
A deal between between Men’s Soccer and Women’s Field Hockey fell through in the 11th hour when Soccer refused to budge on their proposed theme of “Natty Champs and Natty Lights”. The teams pushed through a stop-gap measure which would allow them to enter each other’s suites, but not with intent to rage.
In an obstructionist move, the Track Team has demanded to see the full form birth certificates of all the members of the Men’s Hockey Team to ensure they weren’t UMass students seeking to sabotage the party from the inside. Ronald McArthy, Track captain and known demagogue, claimed that UMass mutineers were seeking to destroy Amherst’s party from the inside, and planned to exclude the entire population based on their choice of school.
Women’s Crew has circulated a rider memorandum stating emphatically that they will only consider mixing if: “1) once they arrive, no boy will be allowed in the bathroom; 2) haircuts will only be taken in the northeast corner of the suite; 3) nobody else wears my fucking dress.”
This all came after the extended negotiations with a third party, the Amherst administration, which went unrecognized under the Socials compact of 1974, led to the creation of alternate events for overflow of refugees from bad pregames. They hoped to limit the police activity on campus, with memories of the Yuletide Shakedown of 2014 fresh in their minds.
Despite the strained tone of the deliberations, the teams’ bivarsity agreement will stand as a testament to the will of those who are willing to put aside their myriad differences for the common purpose of getting super fucked up.
A a buxom young Muckrake reporter has been found passed out in a pool of minty vomit near the train tracks. Foul play is suspected.
“Wow,” remarked Gordita Rotini ’18. “Here I was, thinking that four football players would add up to far more unnecessary waste.”
Amherst, MA – In what can only be described as the crowning achievement in Amherst athletics’ history, our intramural soccer team has captured our first ever Pioneer Valley Regional Tournament title, but nobody showed up to the game. What gives, Amherst? In a true underdog story, our team defied all odds after our relatively low seed in the bracket behind last year’s final four teams, whose games are always well-attended: The University of Massachusetts “Crossett Crashers,” The Home Depot “Hammer Heads,” The Glazed “Creampies,” and the Lord Jeffery Inn “Traditionalists.”
After progressing through the Round-Robin style tournament, we found ourselves in the championship game against the “Crossett Crashers”, as the other teams were constricted by regular working hours. We struggled at first, but the game hit a huge turning point when my buddies Nicky Packer-Loon and Jackie Longhard got out of lab early and were able to play in the second half of the game. But not everyone has lab; at least some of you should have been able to make it to our Saturday game.
If anyone had bothered to come, it would’ve been amazing to watch: the game was neck and neck with a score of 0-0 going into the last five minutes of play, which are determined when it gets too dark out to really see the ball that good. Despite the lack of any support from our own school, dog walkers and children on the playground alike were in awe as the “Crossett Crashers” scored a goal on itself, securing the victory for us, Amherst’s finest soccer players.
I even had to conduct the post-game interviews myself, because for some reason all the commentators were busy. When I asked who contributed most to the game winning goal, Brianna Ciambueno, our center winger, said that Tommy Bowl, our shortstop, should get the credit, but Tommy said that Brianna did most of the work. I’m pretty sure that this dialogue occurred because Tommy and Brianna most definitely have a thing.
In lieu of preparing for classes on Sunday night, we had a post-game pizza party to celebrate the momentous occasion, in our primary practice facility, the Freshman Quad. Alas, it was completely empty. Amherst, it’s time we stepped up our school spirit.
Ryan Cementarzy ’16 is a regular contributor to The Amherst Muck-Rake, and his kick is said to shake mountains.
Amherst, MA –As Winter formal season comes into full swing, romances blossom, alcohol flows freely, seasonal sports victories are celebrated and sisterly good will is fostered in the Panda East bathroom. This year, the restaurant’s staff celebrated the time honored tradition by organizing the first annual Panda Bathroom Sisterhood Summit.
On December 5th hundreds of current and former dates to men’s formals flocked to Panda to catch up on all the drama that acquaintances and strangers had slurred to them in their last group bathroom trip. In the spirit of the trades and handouts that happen organically in the line to pee, lip gloss, tissues, and condoms were provided by Amy- the matriarch of the Panda franchise and former honorary member of the now disbanded DKE fraternity. A dialogue focusing on the moral and social repercussions of sleeping with your date was facilitated by the wait staff, and counseling was provided for the 38 % of girls who reported having ruined their mascara drunk crying at the last function they attended.
Months of scientific observation preceded the summit. “A lot of these girls come from really different backgrounds, and sometimes there’s some hostility among girls from different schools in the pioneer valley,” says waiter Jim Sung. “But we find that on average, by the 43rd minute in the restaurant, girls from every walk of life required a trip to the bathroom, and as cliques converged, many realized that the common ground of intoxication and an overall dissatisfaction with the level of testosterone in the room was enough to form bonds that could last a lifetime”
The Summit received high praise from attendees, who were pleased to be reunited with girls who may otherwise have never crossed paths again. University of Massachusetts Junior Lizzie Healy was thrilled when she found fellow Football formal 2013 guest and Holyoke Sophomore Kendall Foreman.
“I forgot to get her number before we left the bathroom, but we totally bonded over how gross our drinks were, and she fixed the broken strap on my dress,” she enthusiastically told reporters.
Staff looks forward to another event next winter, and are proud of the strides they’ve helped make towards intercollegiate sisterhood under alcohol.
Resident “cool professor” Adam Zabranksi (COSC-283 Introduction to Underwater Welding) shares the top 7 habits of profs that are totally “lit”:
I reply to students’ painstakingly crafted emails in a funky font with questionable grammar to let them know they can relax around me. I keep my kids on their toes by signing off with an ambiguous series of emojis – lately I’ve been partial to the moon face, the knife, and the monkey covering its eyes.
2. You drop the F-bomb.
I try to use inappropriate language at least once per lecture – it lets my pupils know that they can talk to me as they would their “bros”. After all, I consider all my students to be just bros without tenure.
3. Every day is casual day.
I’ve been told more than zero times that I rock the open-toed sandals with no socks look . Your attire should scream ‘I have a Ph.D. in molecular physics but I still can still hang with the boys’.
4. You reference technology.
According to Buzzfeed, the number one thing youths relate to is iPhones. Earn street cred by referencing Snapchat, texting, sexting, and/or dick pics. Also make sure to find and “friend” your students on Facebook.
5. Students call you by your first name.
On the first day, I tell everyone to call me Adam – none of this ‘Professor Zabranski’ nonsense! Your students should feel as comfortable as they do when addressing their new stepdad, Glen.
6. You sit in a backward-turned chair.
Every time I have something serious to discuss, I grab a chair and swivel it around backwards so I can sit with my legs at an angle far wider than normally acceptable. The informal posture is a cue for my students to relax while I let the boys get some air.
7. You hold class outside.
Confining your students within the institutional walls of the classroom boxes in their spirit AND their ability to learn – that’s why I like to shift my 8:30 a.m. class to the damp, tree-root-riddled ground of the quad. Plus, the occasional inclement weather keeps kids from falling asleep at least 40% of the time. Tight!