“I would have gotten dates the normal way, by saying my name and waiting for chicks to Google my father, but I figured this would be more direct. I’m really happy to be helping out with Cystic Tonsillitis Efforts in Guatelamala by smashing smokes, it’s pretty much a win-win for everyone. And if I get stood up by anyone, either the ladies or the dudes I also bought so they could watch the dates from outside, those kids are fucked.”
AMHERST, MA – In order to prove that Amherst students can take care of themselves without a stricter party policy, the Amherst Football team made a solemn vow to promote regular hydration, encourage members to count their drinks, and to beat any freshman stupid enough to get wasted within an inch of their pathetic life. “We just want to make it clear that we as a team, and really in a way as an entire school, aren’t going to stand for this anymore,” said Brock “The Walking Talking Sack Machine” Mckenzee ‘18.
Since they’ve begun their campaign, not a single Freshmen has been sent to the hospital for alcohol poisoning, but dozens have been sent for broken limbs and non functioning faces. “It feels good to make such a huge difference,” yelled Rick ‘19 into our reporter’s delicate ears as he grabbed his collar and held him against a wall. “We’re just trying to build a better world where you can safely throw a keg through your window and not have to worry about hitting some stupid passed out Freshman,” he continued to scream.
Although the administration refuses to comment on the situation at this time, several students have claimed to have seen Biddy Martin and Suzanne Coffey watch and cheer on several of the beatdowns.
“Yeah it was definitely them, there’s no mistaking those two,” insisted a source who asked to remain anonymous in fear of retribution from Biddy. “Out of everyone there, they looked the most excited. Biddy kept yelling out ‘Worldstar’ but it wasn’t clear she knew what it meant. Suzanne just couldn’t stop laughing. When they noticed me staring, Biddy whispered something to Suzanne and then made a quick throat slitting gesture. I’m honestly in real fear for my life here.”
Amherst, MA – Amid a chorus of yawns, sighs, and rolling eyes, Director of Studies Lisa Brooks proudly announced that the second annual English Capstone Symposium successfully modeled what it means to be a writer in the modern day, in that pretty much nobody gives a shit.
“For six decades, each senior English major had to pass a written exam, and nobody gave a flying fuck about that,” Brooks told the Muck-Rake in the back of the CHI classroom during some dumb presentation about the human condition or whatever. “But it’s much more effective to culminate the English experience by allowing students to watch classmates’ eyes gloss over in real time while they struggle to come up with a question about your short story you couldn’t convince them to skim.”
“It couldn’t capture the life of the mind more accurately,” Professor Sanchez-Eppler added, looking up from the scarf she was knitting.
During the day-long symposium held in Frost Library on February 9th, students presented the best critical or creative work they could manage to vomit out on February 8th to an audience of overcaffeinated seniors, each of whom had done the same.
Each senior English major gave a ten minute presentation that felt like twenty, followed by a Q&A session during which the professors nobly attempted to get the ball rolling by discussing their own thoughts, pausing for questions, receiving none, and rolling the ball further until the Q&A time had elapsed.
An astonishing diversity of ideas was presented during this year’s symposium: Martin Perkins ‘18 failed to get anyone to pretend they cared about “Totalities of Guilt in Ulysses”, while Katelyn Moon ’18 presented on “Kate Chopin’s Intersectional Becomings,” about which the audience couldn’t muster a single solitary fuck.
Blinking herself awake after nodding off for a while, Janet Malcolm ‘18 eagerly compared her doodles of Professor Sanborn as a whale to another student’s drawing of Professor Parham as a terminator. When asked for comment, she gazed into her open notebook and assumed an expression of deep contemplation.
“… the way in which…problematize…,” said Sanborn to the Muck-Rake’s correspondents, who had been lost in their own train of thought. “For students, you graduated without knowing how little people cared about your writing if they weren’t employed by a liberal arts college. For faculty, we felt we couldn’t honestly let the students go out into the quote unquote [sic] ‘real world’ with untarnished hope for a viable writing career. It’s more truthful for all of us to watch the light drain from their eyes right then and there.”
During the closing celebration, the English majors were provided champagne to drown out the knowledge that it would be the last time they could afford it.
Remember Greg from your Freshman Seminar, Intro to Bees? He was always really quiet and hardly ever wanted to touch the bees. Well a lot has changed around Amherst since Freshman year and Greg is no exception! Scroll down to see the what he looks like now!
Wow! What a transformation. We almost didn’t recognize Greg for a second there. Seems like everything about a person can change completely in just a few short years. Remember this, reader: time is fleeting and all of us, even Greg, will one day return to dust. Don’t you wish you took him to a formal?
The college has once again updated its party policy in an effort to further empower students to chug Rasberry Rubinoff at 10 PM, and ensure administrative job security. To save you time, The Muck-Rake has compiled the highlights.
- You must meet with a Dean of residential life to register the party: the ResLife office will shorten its doorway by half to Encourage Student Choice to crawl on hands and knees.
- Drinking games may only occur at parties if Suzanne Coffey is allowed to #rollthru again.
- Alcohol may only be served from the barrel of ACPD Chief John Carter’s gun.
- You may possess up to six alcohol units at any given time. By possess, we mean hold, own, or conceive of it. One unit consists of:
- Half a crushed can of keystone light
- A mole of wine
- For each guest over capacity, the Party Sponsor will receive ten lashes.
- A Party Sponsor must submit for review at least 72 hours (3 business days) in advance, unless you are a member of Registration Prime™, allowing you to register parties only 48 hours in advance.
- The Party Sponsor must call the ACPD every fifteen minutes, and ask us how we’re doing for a change.
- Complex parties may not be held until a committee search for a visiting professor of Crowd Management is completed.
- No drinks in locations of increased safety risk, like on porches, balconies, stairwells, kitchens, bathrooms, floors, walled rooms.
- No talking.
- If floor is dirty an hour after the approved end time, it must be licked clean.
- If any rules are violated, the sponsor must pay tuition for each student not invited.
- Underage drinkers will be forcibly aged.
- No Music, unless it is on the approved song list:
“Ride of the Valkyries” by Wagner
“I Got a Feeling” by The Black Eyed Peas