“I would have gotten dates the normal way, by saying my name and waiting for chicks to Google my father, but I figured this would be more direct. I’m really happy to be helping out with Cystic Tonsillitis Efforts in Guatelamala by smashing smokes, it’s pretty much a win-win for everyone. And if I get stood up by anyone, either the ladies or the dudes I also bought so they could watch the dates from outside, those kids are fucked.”
AMHERST, MA – In order to prove that Amherst students can take care of themselves without a stricter party policy, the Amherst Football team made a solemn vow to promote regular hydration, encourage members to count their drinks, and to beat any freshman stupid enough to get wasted within an inch of their pathetic life. “We just want to make it clear that we as a team, and really in a way as an entire school, aren’t going to stand for this anymore,” said Brock “The Walking Talking Sack Machine” Mckenzee ‘18.
Since they’ve begun their campaign, not a single Freshmen has been sent to the hospital for alcohol poisoning, but dozens have been sent for broken limbs and non functioning faces. “It feels good to make such a huge difference,” yelled Rick ‘19 into our reporter’s delicate ears as he grabbed his collar and held him against a wall. “We’re just trying to build a better world where you can safely throw a keg through your window and not have to worry about hitting some stupid passed out Freshman,” he continued to scream.
Although the administration refuses to comment on the situation at this time, several students have claimed to have seen Biddy Martin and Suzanne Coffey watch and cheer on several of the beatdowns.
“Yeah it was definitely them, there’s no mistaking those two,” insisted a source who asked to remain anonymous in fear of retribution from Biddy. “Out of everyone there, they looked the most excited. Biddy kept yelling out ‘Worldstar’ but it wasn’t clear she knew what it meant. Suzanne just couldn’t stop laughing. When they noticed me staring, Biddy whispered something to Suzanne and then made a quick throat slitting gesture. I’m honestly in real fear for my life here.”
Amherst, MA – Amid a chorus of yawns, sighs, and rolling eyes, Director of Studies Lisa Brooks proudly announced that the second annual English Capstone Symposium successfully modeled what it means to be a writer in the modern day, in that pretty much nobody gives a shit.
“For six decades, each senior English major had to pass a written exam, and nobody gave a flying fuck about that,” Brooks told the Muck-Rake in the back of the CHI classroom during some dumb presentation about the human condition or whatever. “But it’s much more effective to culminate the English experience by allowing students to watch classmates’ eyes gloss over in real time while they struggle to come up with a question about your short story you couldn’t convince them to skim.”
“It couldn’t capture the life of the mind more accurately,” Professor Sanchez-Eppler added, looking up from the scarf she was knitting.
During the day-long symposium held in Frost Library on February 9th, students presented the best critical or creative work they could manage to vomit out on February 8th to an audience of overcaffeinated seniors, each of whom had done the same.
Each senior English major gave a ten minute presentation that felt like twenty, followed by a Q&A session during which the professors nobly attempted to get the ball rolling by discussing their own thoughts, pausing for questions, receiving none, and rolling the ball further until the Q&A time had elapsed.
An astonishing diversity of ideas was presented during this year’s symposium: Martin Perkins ‘18 failed to get anyone to pretend they cared about “Totalities of Guilt in Ulysses”, while Katelyn Moon ’18 presented on “Kate Chopin’s Intersectional Becomings,” about which the audience couldn’t muster a single solitary fuck.
Blinking herself awake after nodding off for a while, Janet Malcolm ‘18 eagerly compared her doodles of Professor Sanborn as a whale to another student’s drawing of Professor Parham as a terminator. When asked for comment, she gazed into her open notebook and assumed an expression of deep contemplation.
“… the way in which…problematize…,” said Sanborn to the Muck-Rake’s correspondents, who had been lost in their own train of thought. “For students, you graduated without knowing how little people cared about your writing if they weren’t employed by a liberal arts college. For faculty, we felt we couldn’t honestly let the students go out into the quote unquote [sic] ‘real world’ with untarnished hope for a viable writing career. It’s more truthful for all of us to watch the light drain from their eyes right then and there.”
During the closing celebration, the English majors were provided champagne to drown out the knowledge that it would be the last time they could afford it.
Remember Greg from your Freshman Seminar, Intro to Bees? He was always really quiet and hardly ever wanted to touch the bees. Well a lot has changed around Amherst since Freshman year and Greg is no exception! Scroll down to see the what he looks like now!
Wow! What a transformation. We almost didn’t recognize Greg for a second there. Seems like everything about a person can change completely in just a few short years. Remember this, reader: time is fleeting and all of us, even Greg, will one day return to dust. Don’t you wish you took him to a formal?
The college has once again updated its party policy in an effort to further empower students to chug Rasberry Rubinoff at 10 PM, and ensure administrative job security. To save you time, The Muck-Rake has compiled the highlights.
- You must meet with a Dean of residential life to register the party: the ResLife office will shorten its doorway by half to Encourage Student Choice to crawl on hands and knees.
- Drinking games may only occur at parties if Suzanne Coffey is allowed to #rollthru again.
- Alcohol may only be served from the barrel of ACPD Chief John Carter’s gun.
- You may possess up to six alcohol units at any given time. By possess, we mean hold, own, or conceive of it. One unit consists of:
- Half a crushed can of keystone light
- A mole of wine
- For each guest over capacity, the Party Sponsor will receive ten lashes.
- A Party Sponsor must submit for review at least 72 hours (3 business days) in advance, unless you are a member of Registration Prime™, allowing you to register parties only 48 hours in advance.
- The Party Sponsor must call the ACPD every fifteen minutes, and ask us how we’re doing for a change.
- Complex parties may not be held until a committee search for a visiting professor of Crowd Management is completed.
- No drinks in locations of increased safety risk, like on porches, balconies, stairwells, kitchens, bathrooms, floors, walled rooms.
- No talking.
- If floor is dirty an hour after the approved end time, it must be licked clean.
- If any rules are violated, the sponsor must pay tuition for each student not invited.
- Underage drinkers will be forcibly aged.
- No Music, unless it is on the approved song list:
“Ride of the Valkyries” by Wagner
“I Got a Feeling” by The Black Eyed Peas
1. You preregistered for “Reading Poetry” but decided to follow your heart toward a fulfilling career in medicine, necessitating an extra biology course. Dummy!
2. You didn’t think you’d have enough time to eat lunch if you took “Reading Poetry” with Richard Wilbur at 12:30. Hey fatso! Try grab n’ go next time the best poet of our goddamn generation is teaching a course. Idiot!
3. You thought you saw Richard Wilbur in Jenkins last weekend, but he was standing next to your ex, so you bolted. Stupid, stupid you!
4. Mistaking the Pulitzer prizewinner for the man who shot Alexander Hamilton, you challenged Richard Wilbur to a duel and won, without ever asking him what inspired his latest collection of poetry. You killed Richard Wilbur. You are an ignoramus!
5. You’re Zephaniah Swift Moore, first president of Amherst College, and you died before Wilbur was born. What a lack of foresight! Moron!
Better luck next time!
We’ve all been there: Finals are underway and now you’ve got to figure out how to prepare for finals. Fear not, because the Muck-Rake has you covered. Here are seven easy tips for acing those terminal assessments!
1. Get Midnight Breakfast at Val
Studies show a full stomach makes for a full examination. Swing by Val for a few hours before you get cracking; the soothing aroma of three-day-old chicken soaking in dish soap will provide invigorating brain-fuel for your studies!
2. Slip into one of Keefe’s massage chairs
Let the sweat-encrusted leather of the Friedman Room massage chairs envelop your limp flesh prison in a night of rest and relaxation! The Office of Student Life has shipped three bonafide Lazy Boy PowerReclineXR’s to the Friedman room, and those greasy boys are fired up and ready to go. Work the knots out of your deteriorating back before your big test, you won’t regret it.
3. Take up Jogging
Everyone knows finals week is the best time to pick up jogging. You might think you’re too busy, but that’s just you tricking yourself into not jogging, like you always do. Jogging is a great way to relax and take your mind off work, especially because there are still two hours left in the day to go over your three review sheets!
4. Attend the Chipotle Burrito Drop at the Powerhouse
Watch as thousands of burritos darken the sky from the safety and comfort of the Powerhouse! Literally the only structure capable of withstanding this terrible display of power, the Powerhouse is the perfect place to watch in horror as two thousand dollars of Chipotle burrito fixings are dropped from a height of 4,000 feet.
5. Clean your dorm
Whether you live with a roomie or not, your dorm is probably a filthy, pestilent sty. Recent studies have proven that you’re a dirty, filthy, nasty bit of Jenkins shower scum, and taking the time to clean your workspace is the fifth step to becoming that baby genius you’ve always been told you are.
6. Don’t Panic
Things may seem bleak, but we promise, everyone’s been there. The sense of crushing defeat, like everything is falling and time is slipping through your fingers? That’s ok. What’s important is taking good care of your mental health. Take deep breaths, and research yoga classes to try out next semester. After you register for a couple, boil a cup of tea for yourself and check your socials. Remember: everyone earns a break now and again. Oh jesus, the sun’s really set. Oh god, oh man. That’s not good. We haven’t even begun giving you our study related tips!
7. Contact an Extraplanar Entity Capable of Taking Your Finals For You
Look, we know this is exactly how things went last semester. We’re sorry. Maybe you should have started studying sooner, but don’t worry! Klargon, your new class dean has you covered.
All you need to ace your exams this time around is to bind an eldritch being to your service and let them dominate your physical form. Lucky for you, this Tuesday, from 1-3pm, Klargon and Paul Gallegos will be handing them out for free in the Keefe atrium. These ghastly creatures use their access to higher dimensions of reality to acquire all the information necessary to slam dunk your finals for you! Sponsored by the Office of Student Life!
We hoped you enjoyed our seven easy steps for acing your finals. Be sure to take a nice bath after Ammutseba, Devourer of Stars, has been inside you – you earned it!
“We’re excited to respond to 5-College students’ demands for faster transit,” PVTA spokesperson Josephine Michelangelonopolis told the Muck-Rake. “Next we’ll reduce travel time from Amherst to Mount Holyoke to a fortnight or less.”