Opinion: Clone-Fucking

Here at The Muck-Rake, we take journalism seriously. But no good newspaper is without an opinion section, so we decided to share some of our own thoughts about one of the hottest topics around: clone-fucking. At a recent meeting, editors pitched this question to the staff: “Would you fuck your own clone? Why or why not?” The answers were so enlightening that we decided to share them with the greater Amherst community. All answers are anonymous (of course) but are real and do reflect staff members’ opinions on the subject.

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I wouldn’t fuck my clone. One thing I like in a sexual partner is spontaneity, and I would be too predictable in bed. Why would it be any more fun than just jackin’ off if I can’t surprise myself?

 

I’m grossed out by penises. That’s my only reason.

 

Definite no from me, too gay for my taste! Nothing wrong with being gay of course, I just don’t swing that way. Girls are too… wet. Yuck. Also, don’t pull the ‘it’s just masturbation’ card, there’s another person involved. #clonesarepeopletoo

 

Read my lips: “SELF” “LOVE” Also, Freud. He wrote about this kind of thing, right? It’s a natural human tendency, right? Or was that about fucking your mom? Maybe I’m turned around…

 

Firm yes. I think it would be the safest way to explore my sexuality and answer any questions I might have. My clone wouldn’t care that it’s my first time with a dude because as far as I know it would be his, too. Also one time a girl dressed up as me for Halloween and I was immediately turned on.

 

He would also be a selfish lover, so I don’t know if he’s worth my time.

 

Absolutely. First of all, I think that anyone who has ever masturbated should at least be of two minds about this. If you’re already getting intimate with yourself, this is kind of just an extension of that. Furthermore, my desperate, unceasing need to know for sure that I’m good at sex (and therefore worthy of love) can only truly be quenched by having sex with my clone. I alone can be a truly impartial judge of my own sexual prowess, because I have no incentive to lie to myself about it. Did this answer visibly frighten my therapist when I told him my reasoning? Yes. But only because I’m so obviously right.

 

I’m not gay. But even if I was gay the answer would still be no, because he probably hasn’t shaved his pubes in a while.

 

Yes. This is irresistible. Depending on which of the two perfectly binary states of my self-esteem was prevailing (self-hating or cocky as shit), I could choose to either humiliate and abuse myself both verbally and physically, or to lovingly worship every inch of my body and aspect of my being. Either way the clone would be exactly what I need. Plus, I love looking at myself in the mirror during sex (think Patrick Bateman flexing and winking at himself), so if I were already fucking my clone I could probably do away with the folding, portable, full-length mirror I keep on my person at all times for this reason.

 

If I came across my clone I would take it to the middle of the woods and kill it immediately. I can’t get into one of those situations where a friend is choosing which of us is real and which of us to shoot, and we’re both saying “I’m the real REDACTED.” No time for that in my life.

 

The scientific literature consistently suggests that if confronted with an exact clone of ourselves, we would be unable to recognize it. Numerous studies have indicated that something about our brains just isn’t programmed to recognize our own features in another human being. Even in an intimate moment, there’s no way of knowing if I was interacting with my clone. So would I do it? Sure. For all I know, I may have already had sex with my clone.

 

I recently learned from a friend that cloning does not exactly work the way one might think (at least not the way I had believed it to work all my life); as in, it is not an exact replica of ours (at least not at our actual developmental stage) – that is immediately cast into reality; rather, it is our cells that are taken from us and processed through complex scientific processes and the clone – an entity sharing the exact same genetic code as the cloned subject – is given life through surrogate motherhood, which means that ultimately, it is given birth and does not share the age of the cloned subject, which means that my clone would basically be a baby. My answer then: yes, but I would wait a couple of years.

 

Absolutely. Having sex with yourself is the most natural human desire.

 

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