Hero: Grab N’ Go Chris has Made the Ultimate Sacrifice to Defeat the Self Swipe Machine


AMHERST, MA – When Chris from Grab N’ Go heard that an automatic card swiper was going to replace him and help decrease line congestion, he challenged it to a swipe off to the death. Talk about taking a stand!

“I’d never heard anything like it. I was in Converse when suddenly shouts of ‘Rock on, dude,’ and ‘Have an incredible lunch, bro,’ deafened everyone and shattered the windows. I had to go see what was going on” said Chuntley Hunt ‘20, star lacrosse player and inbound summer analyst at very cool investment bank according to his LinkedIn.

But he wasn’t all bark and no bite, according to other Muck-Rake sources. “He had two cards spinning in the air on his right, and was swiping a third one with his left hand. I’ve never seen anything like it. It’s like he was the Austin Sarat of swiping you in, but not an asshole” said Tom Gomez ‘21.

In order to determine if Chris really could beat the machine, President Martin encouraged students to get back in line as soon as they got their food, saying “There can only be one! Forget the slop that you shovel into your mouth every day! This is bigger than you, this is about HONOR, about POWER, about TRUTH,” as thunder crashed throughout the campus center.

After flipping and swiping 3000 cards and emitting several hundred cold, robotic variations of “Enjoy your lunch, dude,” the machine finally sputtered and died, resulting in an explosion that destroyed most of the new Schwemm’s pub.

Chris stood victorious amidst the rubble, his hands blistered from swiping an incredible 3001 cards. He couldn’t enjoy his victory for long however, because the second the relief of victory washed over him, he collapsed to the ground and his heart exploded. As he lay dying, he triumphantly lifted his arm and let out one last “Rock on, dude”.

Wow! Rock on to you too, Chris!