MUCKRAKE EXCLUSIVE: It’s Hot As Fuck

HotAsFuckAMHERST, MA – A week long Muckrake investigation culminated in the discovery that it is, indeed, hot as fuck. Additionally, due to the truly breathtaking number of fans in the Moore windows, the building has moved nearly 4 inches off its foundation. The Muckrake predicts that it will take flight within the next 24 hours if just 2 more fans are added. Many members of the Amherst community are dismayed about the heat, for differing reasons. “The heat is really annoying,” said Bruntley Gantchee ‘21. “On the one hand, it’s sunny, and sunny equals outdoor beer pong. But on the other hand, it’s hot, so if I play, I’ll totally sweat through my vintage Vince Carter Raptors jersey.”

Josh Meyers ‘20, an environmental studies major, had some other thoughts: “This heat is incredibly dangerous! In fact, it’s actually the hottest it’s been in a geologically significant time span and it’s all because–” (This quote was all our reporter heard before they fell asleep with their eyes open, but we can report that Mr. Meyers was still talking about carbon footprints when they awoke 40 minutes later.)

Some Amherst College community members, however, were not so concerned with the heatwave. “It’s not even that hot! It was way hotter in Bangkok.” said Ellen Rutlege ‘19, who recently studied abroad in Thailand and has neglected to shut up about it. “It’s just a little heatwave, nothing we can’t manage,” said Professor Sarat, as he sat in one of his three heavily air-conditioned offices and breathed fresh air imported from his summertime chalet in the Slovenian Alps (provided for him by the College, of course.)

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